The Vine: January 12, 2006
Dear Sars —
I’ve tried to write this question a gazillion times to make it sound less stupid than it does, but I can’t. So, here goes. I work in a small office — a few Bosses, and a small group of Non-Bosses. Because it’s a small place, people tend to know each other’s business — personal, and work-wise, particularly regarding what people are working on. I am rather new, and I generally try to do a good job, and to work and play well with others, and I think that I am generally well-regarded, or not hated. I’ve never found a “kick me” sign on my back, so far.
Recently, I was asked to take on a significantly increased workload while a colleague was away, and I managed that well enough to be somewhat sought after by a couple of the Bosses to work on certain complicated matters after the colleague returned. Since then, a couple of my colleagues have acted strangely, and have subtly (and not-so-subtly) indicated that they are unhappy that I am being asked to work on certain matters. One went so far as to repeatedly take calls intended for me, which resulted in her taking over an item assigned to me. Another has gone around complaining that I am working on another matter and implied that I had messed something up, when I didn’t. Is this sort of jealousy normal?
This bothers me on two levels. First, it hurts my feelings — we’re a friendly place, and these people are people I consider friends and socialize with outside the office. Second, it annoys me — why the jealousy over work? There’s always more work to come.
Other than that, the job is good — decent pay, decent hours (for the most part), and nice people, and it’s a place I’d like to stay. That said, putting up with this sort of jealousy over the rest of my career isn’t something I would want to do. I have worked at other places, where I had other issues (pay, interesting work), but never anything like this.
So, my questions are — is this normal? What can I do to make things easier? And do you think it will last?
Thanks,
The Office Fridge Isn’t The Only Thing That Scares Me
Dear Fridge,
It’s almost inevitable that, when you do a good job at work — the kind that gets you favorable attention from your higher-ups — it will cause competitiveness and friction and other people will find a way to take it personally. This is why the phrase “office politics” exists, and it’s something you need to figure out a plan for dealing with now, because unfortunately, it’s not going away. You will almost always have one person in the workplace who sees your successes as actively taking away from him or her. So, yes, alas, it’s normal.
What can you do to make things easier? Simple: Start fucking up so the people who are giving you problems can feel good about themselves. …No? All right, seriously: Mostly, you just ignore it, unless it’s something overt, in which case you confront it calmly, either with the co-worker responsible or with your boss. The guy who’s going around saying you screwed up should be spoken to about that; pull him aside and say, “I’ve heard that you said this about me, which isn’t what happened. Is there a problem or some confusion I can help to clear up for you?” When he stammeringly denies doing anything of the kind, which he probably will, smile and say you’re relieved to hear that, but if he does have an issue with your work in the future, you sure hope he’ll come talk to you about it, to your face — thanks, take care, et cetera.
There’s a certain amount of pettiness, like people leaping over you to get to the phone first, that you just kind of have to let go, but if colleagues are shit-talking you in a manner that could be detrimental to your standing at the office, you should address that.
Having to manage the insecurities of others, which they think they’re masking but they totally aren’t, is irritating when you just want to do your work and not have it be a whole soap opera. But that’s not the world we live in, sad to say, so confront the little jealousies that might affect your performance review and consider the rest of it beneath your notice. Which it kind of is.
Hiya, Sars.
I have a bit of a dilemma and I’m hoping you can help
me.
A few weeks ago my boyfriend’s great-grandmother died.
She was in her nineties and quite sick, so it wasn’t
shocking or unexpected or anything. Boyfriend was not
particularly close to Great-Grandma, but she lived
nearby and was a part of his life. She was also the
first member of his (rather small) family to pass
away. Now Boyfriend is going through that terrible
period where he looks around at his other relatives
and realize that they are all going to die one day,
and suddenly there is all this death looming over him
that was never there before.
All four of Boyfriend’s grandparents live within 20
minutes of his house, and are a pretty big part of his
life. They’re in their seventies and in amazingly good
health, considering. He claims that he is not close
to any of them, but we see them several times a week
and go out to dinner every Sunday, and I know that
time means a lot to him.
My family, on the other hand, is much larger than
Boyfriend’s. My grandparents have all passed away, as
have several of my aunts and cousins. Such is the
nature of a large family. Because I’ve been dealing
with death much longer than he has, Boyfriend is
turning to me now for support. But I don’t know what
to say to him.
Part of my wants to shake him and point out that his
grandparents are not going to be dying soon — they’re
healthy, they’re active, and there’s no reason to be
moping about their death now. But I know that that
won’t help him. Right now he needs ways to cope with
the idea that they will die, and platitudes and denial
aren’t going to help him. I don’t remember what I did
to get through this stage (which I went through after
my grandpa’s death when I was twelve), and regardless
I don’t think the same things would work for
Boyfriend.
I guess I just want to have some idea of what to say
to Boyfriend to help hiim through this time. He is
more upset than I have seen him in a long time, and I
want something more than “Death is a part of life” or
“You should be grateful for the time you have with
them.” Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Trying
Dear Trying,
I just watched the Sopranos episode “Proshai, Livushka” yesterday, in which Tony’s mother Livia dies, and one of the main motifs of the episode is the way people react to a death by going back to the terra firma of meaningless platitudes — “what’re you gonna do,” “at least she didn’t suffer,” that kind of thing.
The episode makes great, deft hay with that tendency, and the thing is, when a friend or a loved one is grieving a death, you feel like you should be able to come up with something, something better than “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “she had a good, long life.” But…there isn’t anything better than that stuff. You can’t really salve someone’s grief, or dread, by talking. Because they know these things, intellectually, that everyone dies, that it was his time, that death is a part of life. Emotionally, if they could put hands to a monkey’s paw…
You help by listening, by showing up, by being patient with this anxiety of his over his grandparents’ inevitable end. You make him sandwiches, you suggest visiting them more, you help him make a scrapbook or a photo album. There is nothing you can say, really. There is no one pithy, wise sentence that will give him that light bulb moment where he’s like, “You’re right,” and adopts a Zen attitude. Listen and be compassionate, and if the “moping” is making you impatient — which is fine, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it — just leave him to deal with it and go read a book or something.
He’ll find a way to live with these feelings, but he has to do that; you can’t really tell him how.
Hi Sars,
I need an objective opinion from someone who doesn’t know me or any of the parties involved.
I have a neighbor/friend who has very young kids the same age as mine. As a result we have done a lot of things together over the past few years –- play dates, sports, school events, etc. This friend, “A,” has a bit of a difficult personality: kind of negative, sour demeanor, critical, and possessive, to name a few. When she’s in a good mood she can be fun, and I sense the negative stuff may be a result of insecurity or social anxiety.
But every so often she will suddenly not speak to me, whether she’s mad at me or at something else I never know. Others I know who know her don’t particularly like her, though they are polite and civil, I have been asked by more than one person how I can be friends with her. She also comes across as jealous of anyone who becomes close friends with me because it seems like she doesn’t have any close friends herself.
Last year she asked a favor of my husband who couldn’t comply. Because of that she didn’t talk to me for three or four days. We would be at the same places and she would literally turn her back to me. After a few days she emailed an apology and said after stewing for a few days she realized it wasn’t worth it. Since then I’ve feel like I’m walking on eggshells and, as I mentioned, every not and again she suddenly stops talking to me for a few days and I’m never sure if it’s something I did or if she was just in a bad mood, or what. But, as our kids are friends and together a lot, we are thrown together a lot too, and so to keep the peace (and because when she’s nice, she’s very nice) I have cautiously remained friends.
Recently my family and I decided to plan a little weekend trip to a place I know she is interested in going. We asked another family, who is in the same social circle as us and A’s family, to go with us. They said yes and suggested we ask a third family, also in the same social circle. I was feeling a little guilty, as though we should ask A and her family too, even though at least one of the other families outwardly doesn’t like A. But then one night last week at a sporting event A and my husband got into an argument over A’s usual criticisms, which were, in this case, directed at him. A wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night (even though I wasn’t even aware what had happened at the time, she just was suddenly not talking to me…again), and once we got home A’s husband called to continue the argument with him on A’s behalf.
I didn’t see A for the next couple of days, but then when I did she was clearly not mad or giving me the cold shoulder and, it seems, trying to be friendly even though it felt like it was awkward for both of us and there were some things unsaid.
My husband and the families we are going to go away with have said that after that little fight they don’t feel in any way guilty about not inviting A and her family with us. My husband said after the argument (they haven’t spoken since) he doesn’t feel comfortable with her, and he doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable on what is supposed to be a fun trip. My other friend who is going said she is tired of never knowing from day to day whether A is going to be talking to us or not, and it’s too stressful being with her.
I agree with both of them, but still feel very guilty about not inviting them. I put myself in her position — if three families in my social circle made plans to go away someplace I had expressed interest in going and didn’t invite me, I’d be hurt. If she found out (which she will) I’m sure she would never confront me with it, so I’m not worried about what to say to her, I’m just trying to reconcile this in my mind.
What do you think? Is it wrong to not invite them if others don’t want them to go, I don’t particularly want them to go, but it would be hurtful to them not to be asked?
Signed,
I Thought I Had Matured Beyond High School, But I Guess Not
Dear Mature,
No, it’s not wrong, because you know who’s to blame for their exclusion? They are. A is a volatile, childish attention whore; her husband appears to have difficulty minding his own beeswax. They aren’t pleasant people to be around, and if it means that much to them to get invited places, they might put some effort into not picking fights or giving other voting adults the damn silent treatment. They haven’t done that, clearly, so: tough shit. They can stay home.
A and her husband did this to themselves. If they want to go on weekend trips with the group, they can quit acting like dicks. Don’t feel guilty — and even if you can’t help feeling guilty, don’t invite them. They’ll ruin the weekend.
I write for a living. Specifically, I write newsletters and policy analysis for a state port’s association. Upon reading a recently completed newsletter, our office manager chastised me that one is never to divide a proper name at the end of a line. (The word in question is a city name.) I was miffed — I don’t take kindly to being chastised — but refrained from righteous indignation in case she’s right. I don’t recall that rule, but I’ve certainly been wrong before. I checked Strunk and White, the NY Times Manual of Style and Usage, and the AP Stylebook, and none of them say anything about dividing proper names. Unfortunately, I don’t have a copy of Garner, an indefensible oversight on my part, to be remedied shortly.
So. Is the egg on my face, or hers?
C
Dear C,
I’ve never heard that rule before; I suppose it’s part of the “widow” rule, where you’re not supposed to leave a single word or line at the top of a page or whatever, but that sounds more like a printer’s rule, and my references probably aren’t going to have any wisdom on the subject. But let’s see…
Nothing in Garner, but the Chicago Manual (14th ed.) had this to say in section 6.53, “Spelling and Distinctive Treatment of Words: Personal Names”: “Personal names ought not to be divided if there is any way to avoid it. Since this is often a counsel of perfection, however, some guidelines are in order[.]”
…In other words, don’t over-correct on that point for the sake of it. The section goes on to advise trying to break after a middle initial, not before it; try not to break initials used in place of given names at all (i.e. A.E. Housman); don’t break before a “numeral adjective” (i.e. Henry VIII or Robert Downey, Jr.). There isn’t any specific edict re: breaking at the end of a line, but it appears that your office manager is right.
With that said, again, I feel like that correction is one of those “if I had to learn it, everyone else has to abide by it” hypercorrection rules that we should start relaxing on now that typesetting is almost all done by computer (and your word processing program should have a “widow/orphan control” feature in the “tools” menu, so make sure that’s on from now on). The New Yorker leaves orphans all the time, and yes, I notice it, but I don’t really care. A lot of the “physical plant” rules in the Chicago Manual, and books like it, are a bit dated now that we don’t all use typewriters for our bibliographies.
Short form: The office manager is correct, but should not be such a pill about it.
O Sars,
Hi. Guy problems. Yes. Moving right along…
So we’ll call the guy Blackjack. I first met Blackjack some time ago when he invited me to dinner. It wasn’t a date, per se, and I didn’t know him, but he’d heard about me and was interested in getting to know me. I talk to my friends who did know him and they all freaked out and practically started bashing me with signs screaming, “DON’T DATE HIM! DON’T DO IT!” despite my protests that it wasn’t a date.
Their reasons? First of all, supposedly he’s a real badass and has gotten into trouble before in his life. Secondly, he has a girlfriend.
I went to dinner, we talked, we hung out, we shared cigarettes outside, and ever since then we’ve been great friends. He’s a really sweet guy, and though he does have a complicated past, it hasn’t affected his sense of morality. However, we both became deeply infatuated with each other.
I mentioned before that Blackjack already has a girlfriend, Hearts. Now, their relationship has been on the rocks for a while. They dated before and had tons of problems, and she split up with him on his birthday, and they only reunited sometime later because she wanted to. Blackjack admits that their relationship is strained, and tells me that everyone knows it, but people don’t see the good side of their relationship. Neither do I. They fight daily, they’re on completely different wavelengths, and miscommunication abounds. It’s awful and it makes him unhappy, and yet he stays with her.
So. Blackjack and I had a brief affair. However, he soon called it off, saying that it was against his morals and driving him crazy with guilt. He says his calling it off has nothing to do with me, and he’s still attracted to me, but he just can’t cheat on Hearts. Which is good, I suppose — shows how good a person he is. But now I’m not so sure if he’s ever going to leave her.
My question is this. Blackjack and I have great chemistry, think exactly alike, have tons in common, and are attracted to each other. Do I wait for him to someday leave his disintegrating relationship with Hearts or should I just give up on him? It was difficult to drop the affair, and I’m not sure if I could stand it if he doesn’t end up leaving Hearts.
Thanks a lot,
See, Raise, or Fold?
Dear Fold, And Go Straight To A Gamblers Anonymous Meeting,
Oh yeah, he’s a really good person. He thought better of cheating after he’d actually gone ahead and done it. Repeatedly. And he’s apparently a really decisive personality, too, what with how he stays in a relationship that makes him unhappy and allows his girlfriend to yank his chain for months on end.
“But –” No. He’s a dink. He’s not going to leave Hearts, because if he does, he won’t have a backup plan, and honey, if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you too.
I’m with your friends. He’s not going to be with you the way you want; this is, believe it or not, a good thing. Drop him like a hot potato.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar the fam workplace
