The Vine: January 14, 2015
I recently broke up with someone I am now pretty sure is depressed. My question is: do I reach out and tell him this and if so, what do I say?
Take me at my word that I have no agenda here. Reconciliation isn’t an option. But following some post-breakup reflection and therapy of my own, I do think he was exhibiting signs of depression over the last few months (of 1+ years) we were together and I think I’m the only one in his life who would see them (he has no local family or close friends) even though I didn’t recognize them as symptoms of depression in the moment.
He has indicated a willingness to be in touch but left that up to me; I generally have a firmly “no contact post-breakup” policy but I am tempted to reach out because this is really nagging at me and I do care about him. I know pointing it out doesn’t mean he will do anything about it, and I know even if he does it will have no effect on me. Should I put these thoughts in my standard “not your boyfriend, not your problem anymore” file? Or is there value in reaching out, and if so, what does that look like?
Depressed Ex
Dear Ex,
Unless you think he’s going to harm himself: not your boyfriend, not your problem anymore.
The thing is — and this might sound like an accusation, but take me at my word that it isn’t; it’s just something I’ve seen happen a bunch of times — we break up with people, and we talk it through with friends and counselors and rando new acquaintances at parties, and we scribble down harsh sweaty dreams we have about it at 2:30 in the morning, and with a bit of distance and emotional study, we have The Epiphany. Sometimes it’s information we had all along that we’ve just reconfigured so it makes sense; other times it comes from one of those “yannooooo I didn’t want to say anything because you seemed happy BUT NOW I have to tell you” convos with your siblings; whatever the source, now we understand this or have the right angle on that, and part of us feels like sharing that understanding with the ex would provide closure.
This is not to say that your concern about him is not genuine, or that he’s not truly depressed. My point is, you have to look at what you want and expect to happen here, and why. I can’t really tell you what reaching out “looks like”; that’s for you to envision, and if what you really want is for him to agree with your theory, hey, I get that. We all want to know our insights make sense. But that’s not his job anymore, you know what I’m saying? And what happens if he does agree that he’s depressed? Because if one of you sighs, “Okay…good talk,” I don’t know if that’s a good use of time for either of you.
Again, this isn’t a judgment — but even if your motivation is 100% purely to improve his life, 1) this is no longer your department, and 2) it will not read that way to him, no matter how carefully it’s phrased. Kindness is usually more important than honesty in relationships, even the ones that have ended; unless he’s a danger to himself, the kinder thing here is to let him do what he’s going to do without your input.
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I second Sars. Not your business or problem any more. He’ll eventually figure it out for himself, I’m sure. You are an ex, you can’t help him even if he wanted you to, which he doesn’t.
I say this as someone who’s finally getting around to disposing of all of the “When Someone You Love Is Depressed” books she bought back when the ex that broke up with her was probably having depression issues.
“I know pointing it out doesn’t mean he will do anything about it, and I know even if he does it will have no effect on me.”
Exactly. It will only make you feel worse if you talk to him at this point and it won’t improve the situation. Stick to no contact.
Agree with Sars. Unless you think the depression is severe enough that he might consider suicide (or other bodily harm) don’t do it.
You said in your letter that you broke up with someone. Presumably that means this was not mutual and that his preference is that you were still together. I think that nearly guarantees that no matter how much you go to the “I’m just concerned” about you place, it’s probably going to give him false hope. Then when he realizes that getting back together is not going to happen, it’s going to hurt like getting dumped all over again. I think it’s better to leave well enough alone. However good your intentions, I think you are likely to do more harm than good here.
It’s hard to leave it. Especially when the “thing that bugged” finally clicks into place, but–yeah. Leave it. If, God forbid, my husband ever left me, and then came back into my life with truly well meaning, well thought out thoughts of how something might be wrong with me? My first reaction–would not be mature. I might want it to be, but it wouldn’t. And then I’d have even more painful memories to have to deal with.
Yeah, you have permission to leave this one alone. It sounds like you initiated the breakup, and have kept to your no-contact rule since then. Getting back in touch to essentially say, “Hey, I finally figured out what is wrong with you!” is not a kind thing to do no matter your intentions. Since it took you nearly a year to realize he was depressed, I’ll go out on a limb and assume he was/is not on the brink of taking his own life, behaving in violent, reckless ways, or tordpedoing relationships left and right.
He was someone with issues (and don’t we all have a stack), and he’s been your ex for a year. It’s OK to move on.
Quick preface: My comment is in response to one of Sarah’s statements and is not meant to be read as a reaction to the letter-writer, who sounds like a caring and considerate person trying to do the right thing.
“Kindness is usually more important than honesty in relationships…”
Thank you, Sars! I am so glad to learn that I am not the only person who believes this. Lately I feel as though the world has moved just a little too close to the “honesty above all else” end of the spectrum, putting values like kindness and manners in the rear-view. “I’m not rude, I’m honest.” No, you’re rude and selfish and too lazy and/or immature to learn how to maneuver through the world with a generosity of spirit and a consideration for the feelings of others. There are absolutely times when honesty is called for; however, honesty for its own sake when it isn’t a necessity is just you using honesty as an excuse to say what you want without regard for how it might affect others. Despite the old idiom, words CAN hurt, and you need to consider the damage your “honesty” may cause.
(This topic has been a real source of frustration for me lately – I apologize for the rant.)
I just wanted to say that if you are in a relationship where you FREQUENTLY have to choose between honesty and kindness, then that is a sign that the relationship may not be good for you. Sometimes, kindness should win; sometimes, honesty should win. And in a good relationship, you should be able to be both kind and honest, at the same time, most of the time. If you can’t, then it’s worth taking a look at the reason(s) why not.
(Sorry, just my riff on GracieGirl’s excellent point.)
@GracieGirl: Ugh. I know this is not directly relevant to the letter, but YES. I used to see this all the time on dating websites, where people in their profiles would bill themselves as “brutually honest” or “honest to a fault.” That is NOT something to brag about, because what you are saying is that you are actually an ass who has no idea how to be honest while still being kind. There is such a thing as diplomacy, and if you are intelligent and well-spoken, you should be able to communicate your “honest” message while still being diplomatic. Being honest doesn’t give you free license to be a dick. Being honest and being nice are not mutually exclusive. Grrrrrrrr.
The old “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?” test is a good guideline.
Slightly related: How about a friend? Not a close friend, but one of many years, who some years ago was severely depressed, but got better. Lately he’s been both aggressive and petty towards me and others in a way that doesn’t seem like him. (I’m not the only one who have reacted at it.) I’m debating whether I should contact his partner, that I know slightly, to ask about medication and stuff, or if it would be intrusive. Or should I even try to speak to him directly, even though he right now seems to be very angry at me and probably would take it as “I’m not the problem, you are”.
I guess I disagree here. The letter-writer clearly still cares about her ex, and that ex has little in the way of other people who are close to him. Even if it might not be received well initially, if your saying something might plant the seed in his mind that he should seek out professional help, I think it is worth it. Maybe not in a face-to-face or phone call, but maybe a written letter, saying that as you’ve had more distance from the relationship, you have increasingly come to feel that he may be showing signs of clinical depression, and that you encourage him to at least think about seeking out help.
The slide into clinical depression is easy to miss when you are the one doing the sliding, and honestly it can be easy to miss if you are living with someone and therefore too close to see how much they’ve changed over time. If there is any chance that that kind of reach-out could plant a seed of awareness in someone in need, I think it is important to do so.