The Vine: January 15, 2002
Dear Sarah,
My problem is one that seems like it should be so obvious to solve. I get clingy and needy when I am with a guy. It frustrates the hell out of me. I am a smart woman. My looks are fine. I have a good job. I love to read, and have a sharp sense of humor. I have a lot of friends, including some truly amazing core girl and guy friends. I love my family. And the thing is, when I am not with a guy, I have a great time. I enjoy sitting at home reading as much as going out with a group of people.
But inevitably, when I am with a guy, I get all anxious and clingy and worried that he is going to leave, is losing interest, blah blah blah. From an intellectual standpoint, it is the most obnoxious problem, because a) I can’t stand girls who need guys to be happy, and b) I know that totally drives guys away ANYway. But it seems to always happen, and I want to stop it already.
I’m sure that there is stuff I can do to help alleviate the anxiety, but I am not sure what that stuff is. I am with someone now, and really am trying to fight old habits. He is awesome, and really nice. I’d really like to not sabotage us with fear. Any advice you can give me is thoroughly appreciated.
Wanting to be cling-free
Dear Aspiring Sheet Of Bounce Fabric Softener,
You haven’t said why you think you get all clingy. I mean, yeah, you fear that the guy in question will leave or drop you or whatever — but what’s the “why” behind that? What about a potential break-up fills you with such dread? Because that dread suggests to me that you don’t think as well of yourself as you say you do — that maybe you think, when they leave, that they’re right to do it. Why does the possibility that it might not work out lead you to behave in ways that guarantee that very result?
You keep doing it, so part of you must get something out of it, consciously or not, and you have to identify that something. Does some part of you believe that it’s easier to act suspicious and fearful, to expect the worst so that you aren’t disappointed? Does some part of you want to ruin these relationships before the guys can ruin them first? Maybe, on an unconscious level, you do it not in spite of the fact that men hate it, but because they do. It’s about control. Why do you need that control? Where do your trust issues come from?
Think about why you do it — what you get out of it emotionally, when it started, that kind of thing — so that you can short-circuit the behavior. The next time you hear yourself whining at your boy to stay in or having a hissy about the fact that he forgot to call you or snitting about a girl you saw him talking to or whatever, stop. Take a deep breath. Acknowledge to yourself that it’s the neediness kicking in. Tell him calmly that you’ve got something bothering you, and you know it’s not necessarily rational, but you feel insecure at the moment and you need a few minutes to get a grip. Let him reassure you. Accept his reassurance; mean it. Then grit your teeth and let it go. Eventually, that’ll get easier, but at first, you just have to override your instinct to cling until you start to understand it better.
Start giving the reasons some thought, and the rest will follow. But you have to trust people. It’s hard, but you have to let yourself, because assuming that everyone’s out to dick you over is no way to live.
Sars —
The issue: Basically, my mom is psycho, or at least it feels that way to me. I’m twenty, living three hours from home and going to college, and she still feels like she can tell me what I can and can’t do. She doesn’t control my daily life, and I can and do make the majority of my own decisions, but when it comes to things like my desire to travel, she always puts her foot down, even if it’s something that I really want to do.
I guess the problem started about a year ago. My roommates were all taking a trip to Moscow over fall break, and I was not permitted to go. I didn’t think it was a HUGE deal at the time, but I was upset. Whatever. Fast forward about a month, when I start dating a guy, my first real boyfriend. She met him, seemed to like him, and then started getting pissy when I would talk about him. Ummm…okay. Finally, we sort of discussed the issue, and she informed me that she had “mixed emotions” on the topic of my boyfriend, “Jim,” because I’d stopped going to church after he and I started dating (not because of him), and because I went back on the pill (which she found out about and was pissed).
So now, not long after she informed me that I would not be permitted to do the study abroad that I REALLY wanted to do (oh, and she thinks I decided to study abroad next fall instead of this spring because of him, too, which is also not the case), Jim invited me to go to Rome with him and his cousin over break. I’ve wanted to go to Rome for quite some time; Jim’s cousin found us a really cheap flight, and he’s been to Rome before and knows some cheap places to stay. I, of course, want to jump at this opportunity. However, as soon as I told my mother that Jim’s cousin (I didn’t want to say Jim, because then she’d be even more upset) had invited me to go with them, she said no. I didn’t even ask! She just said no, flat out. She thinks it would “look badly” if I traveled with my boyfriend and another guy, and that she just doesn’t want me to go. I basically told her that I feel that I have been making responsible decisions, and that I’m old enough to decide what I can and can’t do. She told me she’d stop paying my tuition if I wanted to be so independent. We spent two hours on the phone, and I don’t think she ever really listened to what I have to say. I feel like no matter what I say, I can’t win. She ended the conversation with, “I have to go, because it’s late [it was 11:30 pm], and I have to get up for work tomorrow, and I can’t afford to make mistakes because I could kill someone [she’s a pharmacist], and I’ve been making mistakes lately because I’ve been worrying about children making bad decisions.” What the fuck?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to see a counselor about it, because my friends and I are all just at a loss about how to deal with her. Do you have any advice about what I can do to try to get her to realize that I AM responsible, and that I can make my own decisions about when and with whom I want to do things? It’s getting to the point where I want to completely cut off my relationship with her.
Thanks,
Fleeing from the nest
Dear Fleeing,
She doesn’t see that you can make your own decisions because…you don’t. You let her make them for you, at least the ones that matter. You let her manipulate you and give you the guilt and all the rest of it. She says “no,” and you accept it. She lays her “I could kill someone because of you” bullshit at your feet, you just stare down at it like it belongs to you. She’s trying to control you, for reasons that have almost nothing to do with you in the end, but regardless, it’s working.
“But she’s paying my tuition.” Okay, yeah, that’s an issue — because you let it be. Only you can decide if it’s more important that she pay your way through school or that she get off your back about travel and Jim and whatever else (and with a mother like that, there’s always a “whatever else”). But if you want to show her that you can take care of yourself, you’ll just have to start doing it and stop waiting for her to “come to her senses,” because that ain’t gonna happen.
It’s either that or bend over, grab your ankles, and finish your education as quickly as possible in order to free yourself from her influence. Again, that’s your choice, and if you choose to suck it up and let her pay for your credits, I wouldn’t judge you for that. You’ll do what you have to do. But she acts like that because you permit it, and she’ll continue to act like that as long as you permit it.
You can’t “make her realize” anything. You can only decide not to play the game anymore. If you really want to “prove” to her that you can make your own decisions, start by deciding not to let her tell you what to do.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
