The Vine: January 15, 2003
I surely hope that the “friend” that wrote that lovely piece actually heard
from the possibly pregnant friend that they had unprotected sex, because,
well, I just turned around and looked at my four-year-old that was
conceived while a condom was used. Birth control DOES fail from time to
time, after all, and I never once heard the statement “I asked her if she
used anything, and she said ‘no'” in that letter, so it raises my eyebrow.
Which leads me to my next question — what business is it really what choice
her friend makes about dealing with a pregnancy? I know that if I had a
“friend” that told me that I should consider abortion when I was first
figuring out what to do about my conception, I would have smacked them six
ways to Sunday, since hey, I am a grown-up, and I just wanted support for
my choice, no matter what it might be. “Hoping” should step back from the
judging, and just be there for her friend.
Shfree
Dear Shfree,
Thanks for the response — I couldn’t really tell if “Hoping” knew for sure that her friend and her friend’s boyfriend hadn’t used birth control, or if the birth control just failed, or what.
And so what if they didn’t use birth control? Not the smartest choice, no, but very few of us have not thrown common sense to the winds at least once in matters of sex — fudged the birth control a little, not followed the directions exactly right, failed to observe hazmat protocols during oral sex. We should know better. We do know better. Situations get away from us anyway at times.
Let she who has always checked the condom’s expiration date cast the first stone, because God knows I ain’t getting in line to do it.
Dear Sars,
I graduated from high school with something like a 0.8
GPA, partially because I was a difficult teenager going through a difficult
time, and partially because I couldn’t be arsed to attend 80 percent of the classes
— I was too busy looking sullen and hanging around with my sullen friends.
When the time came to begin looking at colleges, I explained to my parents
that I wasn’t even slightly interested in going, not least because it would
be a huge waste of money. And it would have been, I think — I was supremely
directionless, and I probably would have majored in pot brownies or
something.
My parents reluctantly agreed to not make me go to school, and I set out on
my own. I eventually left the country and moved to the Czech Republic, where
I got my certificate for teaching English as a foreign language, started my
own business, learned to speak Czech, and assisted in starting a nonprofit
organization. By the time I moved to New York, I amassed a certain amount of
life experience that I’m proud of.
Now I’m 28, I work a steady job, I’m responsible, and I think I would like
to go to college and learn to become a physical therapist. The only problem
is I have literally no idea whatsoever how to begin. My grades were hideous
in high school, I’ll bet my SATs were hideous as well, and I don’t even know
where to begin in terms of financial aid or how I will support myself while
attending school, or how I will pay my New York rent while I do it. My folks
aren’t in any position to help me, and I make a really average proofreader’s
salary. The math of the whole thing just seems insurmountable.
My question is: How on earth does one live in New York and go to school and
support oneself at the same time? Is this a thing that is possible?
Many thanks,
JN in Brooklyn
Dear JN,
It is eminently possible. Thousands of students pull it off every day. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.
The trick is not to let the difficulty rating intimidate you. Take it one step at a time. Start by researching schools that offer physical therapy training programs in the area. Don’t worry about your grades or qualifications just yet; get information about schools first and see where you might like to study. Focus on ones that 1) give good financial aid packages and 2) cater to adult students returning to school. Reassure yourself that surely a physical therapy department doesn’t really care what you got on the TSWE or whether you turfed high school French.
Once you’ve narrowed down the field, gather your application materials. One step at a time, remember. Submit your strongest c.v. and don’t worry about how you’ll pay for it before you get in. Once you get in, start chasing down funding that will let you, ideally, quit your job and do the program full-time — or, failing that, cover enough of your expenses that you can burn through it quickly and not work yourself to death for years.
But begin by getting the lay of the land. Look at the programs. Talk to people who have done it. Gather data and assess it, and don’t get ahead of yourself.
Hey Sars!
My fiancé hardly ever comes with me to my family events. That’s the
bottom line, most simply. Because his parents live about 20 minutes
away, we’re over there often for dinner, birthdays, holidays, etc.
However, since my famliy lives closer to an hour away, he hardly ever
comes with me when I go to see them (even if I offer to drive). I think
that bites.
I asked him to come with me to my mom’s for a party, but he said
I didn’t ask him early enough and he was too tired to go. Thinking
ahead, I asked him today (a Tuesday) if he’d come with me on Sunday to my
nephew’s birthday party. Now, I know that doesn’t sound exciting, but my
nephew is only turning three so the party is going to be like most
gatherings at Mom’s — a backyard BBQ, beer, and the added bonus of
watching the kid eat cake. His reply? He hemmed and hawed about how he
has to work seven days a week and he’s so tired. I told him that I
understand he works a lot (his family just opened a second business, so
he’s overworked at the moment), but I didn’t want to be punished for his
work schedule (that might sound insensitive in print, but it sounded
better in person). He asked how I was being punished, and I informed him
that almost every time I ask him to go somewhere, he says no. Or he’ll
give me a reason for not going (“You didn’t ask me early enough”) and
when I work around those reasons in the future, like now, he gives me a
new reason (“I work so much…”). Frankly, I’m tired of it.
We’ve been together for three years, spend most of our holiday time at
his family’s house, and I often go solo to the casual get-togethers at
my family’s (all this prior to his current overworked status). Some
people might not think it’s a big deal if a significant other misses a
family BBQ or two, but it bothers me on several levels — for instance,
the principle of it. I go with him when he asks, but he doesn’t go when
I ask, or, if he’s part of my life, then how come he doesn’t show up in
my life? (And he’s not just missing one or two BBQs, he’s missing just
about everything I ever go to my family’s for.)
What’s your call, Sars? I’m not asking that we be joined at the hip —
we’re not like that at all and both believe in having “alone” time when
we got out with our own friends separately, et cetera. But I’m asking that he
be more open to accompanying me to my family’s every now and then for
some burgers and beer. Should I dump this anti-social groom-to-be
before I’m stuck with him legally? Or do you think there’s a way to
make him come around (short of guilting him into it, because then he
acts like a tight-lipped, mopey jerk the whole night)?
Sign me,
The Girl With The Invisible Fiancé
Dear Invisible,
You can dump him, or you can learn to live with the fact that he can’t shift himself to spend time with your family. I’d dump him. Here’s why.
Showing up for unfun in-law activities and smiling through it is part of every adult relationship. You don’t have to like it or look forward to it, but most of the time, you have to do it anyway, and your significant other has to do it too. Yes, “after a long week.” Yes, “on two days’ notice.” But he “doesn’t want to!” Tough shit. It’s called “give-and-take.” Start giving.
So, he’s immature, and on top of that, he won’t acknowledge your feelings. You’ve explained to him how it makes you feel that he’s always ditching out on your family, and he still won’t go — or he’ll go, but he’ll punish you with a bunch of passive-aggressive sulking for the so-called privilege of his company. Do you want to tie yourself to that selfish, bratty crap for life? Because I would bet American money that this isn’t the only point on which he refuses to compromise because he “doesn’t feel like it.”
Lay down the law. If he can’t suck it up and start making time for your family the way you have always done for his, you will interpret that as an unequivocal lack of interest in your feelings and in contributing to the relationship, and you will leave. You would stay and try to work things out, but you work long hours and you’re just TOO TIRED TO BOTHER WITH HIM.
Dear wise-woman Sars,
This isn’t going to be the most dire
problem you ever saw, but it’s still driving me batty.
I had a thing going on with a guy, Fork, for the past
four months or so. Last week, he broke it off. This
wasn’t entirely unexpected, and I even agree with him
that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. We had
significant age differences and weren’t clicking on
more than a sexual level. Meanwhile, of course, I
still like him.
The trouble is: I have a tendency to mull over exes
unless I can avoid them. This wouldn’t seem to be such
an issue with Fork, since we live in different cities
and don’t share social circles. However, he’s all over
the internet. He has a web site and an online journal.
Fork’s picture is there for me to stare at if I click.
His clever essays, mini-rants, and little jokes are
all instantaneously available for me to moon over. I
spend a lot of time online, and it’s all I can do to
not to compulsively “walk down his street” more than
half a dozen times a day. And every time I click, I
buy myself another twenty minutes of useless brooding.
I want to get over him and keep my net connection,
too. Suggestions very welcome.
Merci,
Rubberneck
Dear Neck,
I would tell you just to stop checking out his sites, but I assume you don’t view that as an option, so here’s what you do.
Set strict limits for the obsessing, and stay within them. Decide that, for the next week (or whatever, but I wouldn’t go longer than that), you will allow yourself a block of time each day to sigh over his site. When the urge strikes, hit your bookmarks. Use every minute of the fifteen to rip the scab off and pour salt into the wound, even if you feel done after five minutes, but once you’ve brooded for the day, don’t do it again. The week after that, cut your brooding time down to ten minutes, or five.
See what I mean? Acknowledge that you have a compulsion to “run into” him on the internet, but manage it, and try to wean yourself off the need to visit his sites and see what he’s up to. It’s a normal instinct, but not for long.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships the fam
