I’m hoping you can shed some light on a subject that I’ve always been a bit uncertain about. When I’m looking for a new job while still employed at my current one, what’s the etiquette there? Am I obliged to tell my current employer I’m looking, even if I haven’t given notice and I’m not sure that I will end up leaving?

I’m always afraid that I’ll get punished for daring to look (my place of employment is big on corporate loyalty), but when I need day(s) off for interviewing, I’m afraid to lie about being sick or something like that. I’m in my first job and I know this is going to continue to be an issue, so any advice you can give me would be great.

Thanks,
Looking in Secret

I’m
consulting about actions involving a second person…and perhaps
an occasional third.

That spectral third sidled into the room when my exquisitely
sensitive sweetheart, whom we’ll just call “K.,” divulged a couple
of months into our relationship that she was bi. (I’m a dude.)
Now, I don’t believe that bisexuality implies promiscuity — in
fact, I know it doesn’t, by multiple examples. But in K.’s case,
the revelation was accompanied by hints that she wasn’t ready to
neglect her interest in…parts I don’t have. And the people who
have them. A not unreasonable position, especially considering
that we’re both essentially in first bloom.

Now, I happen to feel quite monogamous, utterly by instinct. It
goes against everything you’ve ever heard about men seeking a
harem and women wanting stability. I’m glad it goes against that
— deflate those myths! When K. and I had our first talk about the
subject, I told her that I ultimately wanted a faithful (and
definitely not open) relationship, but that a little exploratory
fooling around (on her part; I had no desire to do it) would not
necessarily be a fatal infidelity…a little hurtful, probably,
but not a dealbreaker. All right, so the qualification sounds a
little scary and passive-aggressive. Entirely accurate, though —
opening one’s mind involves a certain amount of anguish, and I
wasn’t about to conceal it.

Fortunately, K. is every bit as disinclined to conceal her
feelings (all of them) as I am. So when she did take a golden
opportunity to stray from the nest, she didn’t waste any time in
telling me all about it, and I didn’t need all that much time to
forgive her. Pretty much every aspect of the event was a relief —
that what was likely to happen had become definite, was the
biggest relief of all, but it was also nice to see that the third
person (incidentally, another dude) was neither my best bud nor in
any way despicable. Hell, he’s even leaving the state at the end
of the summer into the bargain (only a matter of interest to me
because he’s currently living in the big private dorm that K. and
I also occupy during the year, and I do feel a little awkward in
relation to him). In the course of one night, I ran the gauntlet
of jealousy in its thousand faces, and came out feeling…not
betrayed.

So where’s the question already? Have patience, I’m getting there.

The night I have alluded to — not the night of the messing
around, but the night K. and I talked about it — happened to be
the night of a house party. A big drunk house party. We have a lot
of those. And K. began the conversation by asking, “Suppose
something comes up at the party tonight, something like a game of
‘Spin the Bottle’…” Which was her way of easing into the real
topic of the evening, but it raises an interesting question.

K. shouldn’t have to guess what’s okay with me and what’s going to
require a Big Talk Later. I mean, what’s okay in the end is anything
I can recognize as consistent with our love for each other, but
that’s like saying that what’s okay is the Good and the Pure;
there’s a kind of trust in it, but it could stand to be a lot more
communicative.

Case study: as far as our big drunk house parties go, the most
edifying to consider is probably the semiannual, ahem, food orgy.
The last time it came around, K. and I stayed upstairs and had our
own little private food orgy. But it will come again, and I expect
K. will want to go, and hell, so do I. I had plenty of fun the
time I went (before I met K.), even if I didn’t “do much.”
(Believe me, what I did was enough.) But I’m thinking that K. and
I could stand to have some ground rules for the night, when it
comes. Am I wrong to believe that the right set of rules can be
empowering (as a formal approval of some wishes), and not
offensive?

Basically, these are the rules I want to run by K. That we go as a
couple, meaning: we hook up only with people who respect us both
as individuals and as a pair in love, i.e., who “get” that we’re
sharing each other as well as ourselves (sorry if that sounds too
new age, I really don’t know how else to put it, but it’s a trait
that I believe we can both recognize by instinct and by our
knowledge of the people in the house); we spend some of the time
together (which really doesn’t need to be said, because we’ll both
want to); we leave together; and no secrets. And those last two
are, without shame, very much related — swapping notes is SUCH a
turn-on.

Well, Sars, I want your gut reaction. Suppose you were presented
with those rules. How would you react? Offended? Relieved? In
agreement? In fury? Anticipation? Apprehension? “What IS that new
age shit?”

I realize that this doesn’t address the issue of goings-on outside
of big drunk parties, which may be a more likely source of
relationship complications, but, like I said, I’m not worrying
about infidelity; I’m explicitly concerned with the perhaps
simpler problem of our having a good time at parties. Which is a
little difficult if we’re both constantly taking wildly
discretionary readings on our Transgress-o-Meters.

Sign me,
Negotiating Pleasure

I’ve been in a relationship for five and a half years now. He’s a good guy — a little
high maintenance, but he generally makes up for it in other ways. He isn’t
the problem. I think I am.

Every time we get into a fight, I try to leave. I can’t see past the fight.
I seem to feel like if we fight, it means it’s all over. I moved out for a
few months at one point. I’m tracking good days so I have a number to hold
onto, and that’s helping a little. My parents didn’t fight until they were
getting divorced — my mom stood up to my dad once, he hit her, she left. I
never saw them fight until that point. My only other long-term relationship
was with a guy with very little backbone, so we didn’t fight until the very
end, either.

Do you have any books I might read? People who might have the same problem?
I’ve been to therapy and I’m thinking about going again, but so far the
therapists I have talked to have said, “Focus on the good things…” and
other terribly useful Zen gems. If I could keep the good things in sight, I
would. I need some way to break this cycle.

I love this guy. He’s smart, funny, interesting, active, and he loves me. We
have a lot in common. I know he is getting frustrated. He says I’m playing
games with his head. I’m not; I just get so depressed I can’t see past the
fight unless it’s to run away somewhere peaceful.

Any suggestions?

Blind to the future (at least when I’m mad)

I have two unrelated questions. So in order of importance, greatest to least, here goes.
–I have been divorced for almost two years. My ex departed suddenly, saying he wanted a separation, then emailed me two weeks later with a “notice of intent to divorce.” I called him to ask what in the world he was doing, and his reply was he wouldn’t talk to me without a third party present, as I was “toxic” to him. I didn’t know what to do, and was advised to not press him, as he was reacting like “a wild animal backed into a corner.”

So over the next few months, I occasionally sent him cards or little gifts, just to say I still loved him and wanted to work it out. He completely cut himself off from all our friends, and told his family not to talk to me, as I found out when I tried to call them. We communicated by email a few times, and he was scorchingly angry. I came to see some of his points about me as valid, and told him so. I held back my anger, partly out of shock, and then because I really hoped we could still reconcile, so I was trying to be conciliatory.

After the divorce, which was fairly quick, his tone changed in our occasional communications. He started to sound kind of new-agey weird, prompting one of my friends to remark, “He sounds like he’s ready to start his own church.” All of the sudden, I was a “remarkable woman,” and he hoped my life would be wonderful. He signed his emails “take care,” which for some reason infuriated me. It seemed so bland, so indifferent — I would rather hear the anger. Each time we would get into a round of email (he always initiated it), I ended up pissed off and hurt, so I would tell him I was done. This cycle repeated itself a few times, and each time, he would ask for an increased level of contact (like having coffee together). Whenever I asked him why he wanted back into my life, he had no answer. I finally told him I couldn’t accept that, and not to contact me any more.

So — over the past two years, I have cried a lot, searched my own soul, and came to some good decisions. I left my job as a church secretary (that might explain a few things in my story), sold my home, and moved across the country to pursue my dream of going to graduate school. Right before I left, I mailed him a card that said something like, “Thanks for the good times, hope there are many more in your life ahead.” I did not mention my move, and in fact I mailed the card the day I left so he couldn’t contact me. It was symbolic in my mind of the fact that I felt done with him. I was ready for a new life, but wanted to thank him for what had been good in our past. You can’t ever forget totally someone you were married to for 15 years.

You know the rest — he found out from someone where I had gone, and emailed me wanting to know more about it. Coming here was a dream he and I had shared, so I knew he was curious. I replied with a very short note, giving no details. He started again with the wanting to call me, so again I asked the “why” question. His response was “call me and find out.” So once again, I told him I didn’t have time for the games, and not to contact me again unless he had something real to say.

Again — you know the rest. Two months goes by, and he emails again, asking me to call him. For some reason (curiosity, loneliness of a new city, who knows), I did. I asked him why he contacted me, and he proceeded to tap-dance around until I got mad. He then said there was a real reason, and it was this — he wanted me to consider reconciliation. We talked more than we had in two years, and I agreed to think about the possibility. By the next day, I knew I didn’t want to. I am here to do something for me, and I don’t want to think about him. So I emailed him that answer.

My question, finally: Since he left, I haven’t let him see much of my anger towards him. Part of me wants to tell him exactly why I don’t want to be with him, to hurt him like he hurt me. But I know that engaging him would just keep the cycle going, and it really isn’t a cycle I want to continue, in spite of my obvious ambivalence. What do I do with that anger? I don’t want to hate him, I just want him to leave me alone. I think I know what you’re going to say — use some of that anger to make your boundaries clear, instead of murky.

Question #2: I have noticed some expressions in your writings that I have not heard elsewhere, such as “asshat” and “whatever-whatever-cakes”; I noticed that some of the other writers in the Damn Hell Ass Kings group use them as well. So are these expressions that someone within your group has started, or are they in use in the wider culture, and I just haven’t heard them? (See “church secretary,” above.)

Certainly Older, But Still Working On the Wiser

I have another wonderful relationship question for you. I am the outside
observer in this case, and I realize that it is of course none of my
business, but one of the “insiders,” we’ll call him “Bobby,” is asking me for
advice. I tried my best, then decided to turn to you, as I have little
experience in relationship issues. He asks me for advice in this case only
because he must be desperate.

So, Bobby went off to college last year, and he and his longtime girlfriend
broke things off amicably for practical reasons. Bobby enjoyed himself
gaining new experiences and meeting new people, not really on the lookout
for a new girlfriend, but not opposed to the idea either. He became good
friends with a few girls through a common weekly activity that we’ll call
“lawn darts.”

Bobby went out for coffee with these girls, did “friend”
things, but one of the girls, we’ll call her “Helga,” started to shamelessly
and unambiguously let Bobby know that she wanted to date him. Bobby is
exceedingly polite, and rather unambiguously (in my opinion) shut her down,
and they continued to be friends. Bobby gradually grew irritated with her
advances, but got himself into several situations that may have led her on
(i.e. she got drunk one night and he took care of her so that she didn’t
die, et cetera). Several uncomfortable conversations later, he still alluding
forcelessly that he didn’t want to date her, the semester was done and he
returned to his hometown for the summer, putting distance and time between
he and Helga.

He returned to school the following fall to find that Helga had not yet
given up, and had become quite clingy and jealous. Since he believed them
to be nothing more than friends, he was extremely irritated and told Helga
in no uncertain terms that they were not going to date, and that he was not
interested. She didn’t get the hint. Bobby comes from a no-hugs family,
and this girl will spot Bobby across the room, race over and throw her arms
around him, asking him sweetly how his day went. Outside observers have
been heard to comment on this — “Wow, she really likes you, and is she EVER
subtle!” and so forth.

Bobby has now descended into direct rudeness toward
Helga, ignoring her where possible, talking about other girls in front of
her…she makes polite replies and seems oblivious, while she continues with
what Bobby and others perceive as unwanted advances. What’s a guy to do
when he has to see this girl every week at lawn darts?

What should I tell him?

Lawn darts girls don’t DO clingy