The Vine: January 16, 2004
Dear Lora,
I completed my Master’s degree in Library Science in August of this year. Since that time I’ve been trying (admittedly, sometimes it’s been a little half-hearted) to find a job in my field. My problem mostly seems to be that I’ve limited myself geographically. I ultimately want to move back to the Pacific Northwest, but I have looked in other places.
I interviewed for a position in Rhode Island, and I hated it. I had never been to that part of the country before, and I was shocked by what it was like. I’ve lived in the Western half of the U.S. since I was 13, and I think I’m just used to a little more…space. I was offered the Rhode Island position and I did almost take it, because I’m not a huge fan of my current (southwestern) locale, either, but I would up turning it down because I was getting the runaround on any questions I asked. I couldn’t get them to commit to a salary, and no one could answer any of my questions on benefits.
Right now, I’m confining my search pretty much to Colorado, Oregon, and Washington. I’m actually not having trouble finding places to apply to, but I am not getting a lot of calls for interviews. Part of this, I have chalked up to being a new graduate with some experience, but not a lot of “professional” experience. So, I have a lot of questions.
First — if they give you the option of submitting via fax/internet/regular mail — which is the best one to take? Second — once a resume has been submitted, I’ve always been told that it was a good idea to place a follow-up call to make sure it was received and let them know you’re interested, and to keep calling on a regular basis. Is that really a good idea? How soon after sending your resume should you call? How often is too often/not often enough? Benefits are (obviously) a big issue for me. I do have some health problems that mean I have to have good benefits, because I can’t afford not to. Is it appropriate to ask about benefits during the interview, or should those be reserved for later? When is it appropriate to ask about salary, and if they ask you what you think would be a fair salary (my least favorite question), what is a good response — should you have a number ready, or what?
Also, because I live out of state for all of the places I’m applying, it is expensive for me to just fly all over the place for interviews. Is it okay to request a preliminary phone interview? Is there anything you can do in a phone interview to make an especially good impression? It is difficult to compete with all the people they can interview in person when you are just a voice on the phone and some text on the screen. What can I do to stand out?
I’m currently employed, and I have a great salary and terrific benefits, but I hate my job. There is no intellectual stimulation, and in fact, by the end of the day, I often feel like screaming because I have to deal with idiots all day long! I want out, but I can’t afford to leave unless my current benefits and salary are matched. My current location kind of bites too. I have no family in this state, and no friends either. The town I live in doesn’t really have a lot of folks my age. Basically, it’s not an ideal situation, but I don’t want to go from bad to worse.
Thanks,
Longing to Relocate
Dear Longing Librarian,
I love working with librarians — we always want to know every detail! However, that isn’t always the case in the real world, so if you ask this many questions during an interview, it might turn off the hiring person. Just be careful to divvy them up throughout the discussion. And, especially early on, you don’t want many of your questions to be about yourself, but instead about the company. Research them (ahh, the advantage of being a librarian!) and create a list of questions about the organization and its culture. It will do a lot to show your interest in and excitement about them.
That said, let me start with your questions in order.
1) If given the option on how to apply for a job, start by applying on their web site, or by sending email with your résumé attached and using the email to reiterate why you would be a good hire. Within a couple of days, follow up with a paper copy, making sure to note in the cover letter that you already applied online (or through email) and that you are following up with a paper copy so that they have that as well. It’s an opportunity to remind them of who you are, and a chance to restate why they should contact you.
2) Yes, you should follow up, but you don’t want to be a pest. A follow-up after two weeks is appropriate, unless they have indicated that they don’t want phone calls. Keep in mind that follow-up doesn’t have to be over the phone; you can also use email. After the first follow-up, you can continue to contact them — especially if you have made contact with them already. Again, to avoid being a pest I wouldn’t contact more than once every other week, unless it’s a “rush hire” or the contact is a personal acquaintance of yours.
3) You shouldn’t discuss benefits early on in the interview process. But needing good benefits is important, so I would do some detective work. Ask around, try to connect with someone in the organization, and ask him or her. Or, check out the corporate web site. So many of them now list the benefits right there. If it’s a public institution, check out the home page of the county/city/state. They will usually list the benefits offered.
4) Salary discussions are a little more difficult. Some say that the first party to bring up money in a negotiation loses. It’s best to wait until later in the process, but you also don’t want to waste your time. Hopefully the web site or the job ad will list a range, but what if you aren’t contacting them that way? You can always ask the HR representative if the position has a range before you apply. But if they ask you early on (which does happen), there are a few answers you can try. One, give them your range. You can try
5) As far phone interviewing goes, if you are out of town and would have to pay for your own transportation, it is acceptable to discuss the possibility of a phone interview early on. Many organizations offer that as a matter of course, but you can also suggest it. However, you can’t force it. They might require that you come to the site for your interview. In that case, it would be wise to ensure that you are on the same wavelength regarding salary and benefits early on.
6) Standing out in a phone interview is only marginally more difficult than face-to-face. You have the advantage of not having to wear a suit, but you need to work on the animation in your voice. I know some people that do far better over the phone than in person, and work to have all early communication through the phone. You do need to treat it just like a regular interview. No noises in the background, no distractions, and no one else in the room. You need to be alone and focused. Also, prepare for a phone interview as you would for any interview, developing questions about the organization and knowing whatever you can before the interview starts. A kickboxing psych-up like John Cusack’s in Say Anything is optional.
Finally, check out my answers from Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, which will help you to make an effective library résumé (even without experience) and to develop contacts in companies where you don’t know anyone.
Good luck — and welcome to what I like to think is the coolest profession on the planet.
Finally, for those of you who still have questions, my company has an area on their web site called “Ask the Experts,” where anyone can ask questions. Questions that are chosen usually get answered within a couple of weeks on the web site.
I am a 35-year-old single mother of three children, ages 17 (son), 14 (daughter), and 12 (son). My oldest son was convicted at 14 for sexually assaulting his brother and sister. We had gone to see a psychologist when we learned of the abuse, and he was arrested shortly thereafter. The oldest son is now completing his therapy in prison and will be released within the next year.
My younger children are healing, and we have managed to restore ourselves to a very happy environment that is safe. Both, however, feel guilty for “ruining” their brother’s life. I see it differently, and even with therapy, they continue to have some issues with what we do after their brother is released.
My question is what you think an appropriate role for me would be after my son is released. I cannot expose the other children to him emotionally or physically. But can a person rehabilitate from a crime committed when he was 14? The prison psychiatrist says yes. I am fearful, though.
Thanks for any advice you may have.
Melinda
Dear Melinda,
I have no idea what to tell you. Your first priority is the safety and emotional well-being of your younger children; it might seem unfair to the eldest, or like you’ve abandoned him, but what he did is going to have consequences for quite some time, and he’ll have to deal with that.
Support your oldest son in his rehabilitation and re-entry into society, but make it clear that, while you love him and want the best for him, you hate what he did to the other kids and you want him to understand how complicated the situation is for you — and make that same thing clear to the younger kids, too. Make sure they continue with their therapy, and take a few sessions with a therapist yourself if you haven’t already, if only to get advice on how to manage.
You might also consider finding a support group for folks who’ve had family members in prison, or people with sexual abuse in the family; talking to others who have dealt with the same conflicts you’re dealing with now might help.
Dear Sars,
You’re the best. I love the site, I love your essays, and I love The Vine.
I hope you’ll have an idea that might help me. My wife and I have been
married for six years, and we have a two-year-old son. The problem is that
we rarely have sex. I know I sound like just another guy who’s complaining
that he doesn’t get enough, but we have sex maybe twice a month, sometimes
just once, and it’s usually not very satisfying. This has been going on
since long before we had our son, so that’s not the cause.
I assumed that this was my fault, that guys are just hornier than women, and
that I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. I wanted to try flowers, nice
dinners, a candlelit bath, that sort of thing, but I didn’t even get to try.
We both work from home, so I can’t plan something special in the house
without her finding out. If she saw me trying to put candles in the
bathroom, she just said, “I don’t want to have sex tonight,” and that would
be the end of the plan. I tried the other things advice columnists say to
do, like doing the housework to free up her evening, and generally being
attentive, but that didn’t work either. We normally split the chores 50-50,
so if I tried to do her share, she wanted to know why. I feel like I can’t
even give her a casual kiss now without her telling me she doesn’t want to
have sex.
Being spontaneous doesn’t work either. We have a kid, so sex requires some
discretion and planning, but there’s a very narrow window of opportunity.
If I wait until after 9:30, she’s too tired. If I try before 9:00, she
doesn’t like that, because we’re done before she wants to go to sleep, and
she doesn’t want to stay in bed, but she thinks that getting up and reading
or watching TV after sex is anti-climactic. Our son is in daycare a couple
of days a week, and you’d think that would provide some opportunities, but
she won’t have sex during the day; she says she likes it dark. Sometimes we
have a chance first thing in the morning, but then it’s hurried before we
start our day. Sometimes I’d just like to linger in bed with her, but she
doesn’t seem to enjoy that.
I’ve tried just talking to her, which isn’t easy, because she doesn’t like
to talk about sex. She says it’s not my fault; it’s hers. She says she
just has a naturally low sex drive; she thinks it’s a hormone deficiency.
I’ve asked her to talk to her doctor about it several times over the years,
if she thinks it’s a physical problem, and she always says she will, but she
doesn’t. She doesn’t like her OB/GYN very much, and I don’t think she feels
comfortable talking about it. I wish she’d get a different OB/GYN, but as a
guy, I don’t really want to intrude on that part of her life. I bought
books, which she said was a good idea, but she won’t look at them. I
suggested therapy, but she said she didn’t think we’d be comfortable talking
about our sex life to a stranger (I wouldn’t, but I don’t know what else to
do), and we can’t afford it anyway.
Now, I just try to wait until she takes the initiative, but that doesn’t
seem to work. I wait for weeks, and eventually I end up asking my own wife
for sympathy sex. She seems to enjoy sex when we do have it. If I ask her,
she always says it was good, but she doesn’t like to talk about it. I’ve
asked her what I should do differently, but she just repeats that it’s not
my fault. If I suggest a different position, or anything, she refuses.
Bottom line: I’ve tried everything I can think of, and I still feel like my
wife doesn’t enjoy having sex with me. I hate myself for not being able to
just leave her alone, if that’s what she wants. It’s not something to end
the marriage over; I’m still crazy for her, and I love the life we have
together. Lots of couples have sexless marriages, I’m told. Some even like
it better that way. Should I just put up with it?
Regards,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
I don’t want to judge her without all the information, but some of your wife’s avoidance tactics verge on the ridiculous. She won’t have sex before 9 PM because she doesn’t want to go to sleep, but she doesn’t want to watch TV after sex either? Everyone has different preferences and neuroses, but…dude. She’s completely inflexible, and she’s not making any effort, at all. And that’s the real issue here, to my mind. It’s not that she’s never interested in sex; it’s that you’ve tried everything you can think of to accommodate her and/or solve the problem, and she’s done nothing. And if the communication and compromise in your marriage are this one-sided in this area…I don’t know.
It’s not up to me to tell you whether you should “just put up with it.” I wouldn’t, myself — under certain circumstances, okay, but if my partner refused to talk about it, to talk to his doctor about it, to just let me kiss him without immediately telling me, “No sex”? No. There’s nothing wrong with having a low sex drive, but when it’s obviously causing your partner emotional anguish and you won’t even discuss it?
I think you need to express to your wife how much this bothers you — and how much it bothers you that it doesn’t bother her. Yes, “lots” of couples have sexless marriages, but for it to work, both partners have to feel satisfied with the low frequency of sex. That’s not the case here, and she needs to hear that — and then you both need to decide what you’re going to do about it.
Sars —
Here’s the drama of my life. It all started when I went down to Florida for an internship at a major theme park, which we can call MisneyMorld. I was assigned a roommate from Texas. We’ll call her “Lisa.” Lisa and I bonded quickly, since we’re both fairly cool girls, if I do say so myself. Since neither of us had a man at that point, she and I went out on Valentine’s Day to have some fun. On the bus back, we met this guy. His girlfriend, who was down in Florida with him, wasn’t on the bus with him, since she had told him she didn’t want to see him that day (yeah, that what we both said).
So we took him back to our apartment, and the three of us stayed up late talking. In a strange way, he never really left, since he was there every night from then on. I’m not exaggerating or anything…from the day we met him to the day we flew out of Texas, there was not a single day he was not around at least one of us.
Anyway. As is typical in cases like this, the drama entered. He and I would stay up talking for hours after she went to bed, one night staying up all night. What were we talking about, you ask? Lisa. The night he told me how he felt about her, we were sitting in the other bedroom talking about her (this was the night we were up the whole night), and all I could think about was what it would be like to kiss him. The only thing that entered my mind at this point was, “This is not good. He likes her. Bad!”
Time passed, he broke up with the wretch who had been his girlfriend, and got together with Lisa, thanks to my help. Having had issues with repressed emotions before, I figured that telling him how I felt would be the best route. Normally, yay for me. But I wasn’t really expecting him to tell me that he had similar feelings for me.
But they were already together by this point, so there was pretty much nothing I could do, except sacrifice my morals and try to break them up (I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t) or just suffer in silence. They both knew how I felt, but we didn’t really discuss it as a group (obviously). One night, he and I were up and I was teasing him. Finally, he gave in (kinda) and said, “Okay, ten seconds. Do whatever you want.” I laughed, told him to go to bed, and turned to walk out of the room. He then told me that he had known I wouldn’t do anything. As you can guess, I hate when people do that and am always inspired to prove them wrong. I kissed him, he kissed back, very bad thing.
The next day, everything was usual, life went on like nothing happened. Until Easter. The week of Easter, his parents and Lisa’s mom were in town. Lisa declared that she was spending the week with her mom. Since her mom is a psycho, he figured he would have to move back into his apartment. Here I put down my foot. I was not staying alone in the apartment. Period. Lisa agreed, and so there is the start of even more badness.
The second night we were there, we watched an action movie and he rubbed my shoulders, since I had spent a good deal of time giving him back rubs since Lisa would say she would and then never do it. Afterwards, he and I were talking in his room and one thing led to another and that led to a game of “Truth or Dare,” which resulted in our making out and some groping.
Lisa doesn’t know about this, nothing else ever happened, and yes, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I wound up with psychosomatic mouth problems because of this. But they are now engaged and living with his family, but they won’t be getting married for at least another four years, while they have only been dating less than a year. And he is already getting cold feet, while she has the bridesmaids’ dresses picked out. Did I neglect to mention that I’m supposed to be the maid of honor and the godmother of their first child?
And I know I’m better than my actions may seem, but I really am having issues with the whole deal. Maybe you have some advice, or something?
Asking for help,
Alone in Indiana
Dear Alone,
Advice…about what? You know you shouldn’t hook up with him anymore, because it’ll hurt Lisa, and because he’s a weakling who can’t stay faithful and can’t make hard choices about his life. So, stop. And I presume you know that there’s nothing you can do if he and Lisa want to have an absurdly long engagement, or if he won’t tell her the truth about he feels, or whatever — that it’s their life to screw up. So, don’t do anything.
I would start spending a lot less time with these people, and I would let Lisa know that you aren’t signing on for godmother duty; you’ve gotten way too involved in the situation, it isn’t going to end well, and I think you’d better reduce your exposure to those two and make some new friends who aren’t quite so immature.
Dear Sars,
I’m 23, and a graduate student in Boston. My ex-boyfriend is 24, and a law student at the same university.
Last month, I flew to Detroit for ten days to visit my family. When I got back to Boston, my boyfriend of seven years (best friend for nine) walked into my apartment and told me, “I’m not in love with you anymore. I’ve been having doubts for over a year, and while you were gone, I realized that, while you’re my best friend and I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore. There have been several times in the past year I thought about ending it that you never even knew about. I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want to hurt you. Oh, and I cheated on you while you were gone, too. I’m sorry for any pain this is causing you. It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I hope you’ll find someone else someday who’s even better than I am.” And then he blamed me for the breakup, saying he was ending it because some of my habits frustrated him, but he’d never brought them up, and that he’s felt for a year like we’ve grown apart, because he never tried to communicate what he was thinking. I guess he just expected me to divine his thoughts with my psychic powers or something.
I was dumbfounded. For the past year he’s been having these doubts? And he never said anything? He just let them fester until he’d convinced himself the issues couldn’t be overcome, and then he cheated and ran away without trying to work things out? He made this colossal decision about our relationship without consulting me, taking all the control for himself? I felt heartbroken, betrayed, hurt, used, cheap, ashamed, angry, miserable, afraid…you name it, the feelings were there.
So, now I’m faced with the daunting task of grieving for this relationship, for the future I thought I would have (just before I left, we had been planning on getting married within the next three years and having children five or six after that) but now know I won’t. I miss the companionship I had with him, I miss the intimacy, I miss knowing what he does with his day and telling him what I’m doing with mine. I miss his voice and his smile.
He wanted to go to couples’ counseling, not to work out our romantic relationship, but to resolve my (understandable) lack of trust in him, so that we could still be best friends while he pursues a relationship with the woman with whom he cheated, who lives on the West Coast. I found out that, four days after walking out on our seven-year relationship, he flew 3000 miles to see her for the weekend, and had sex with her. I decided that counseling was out of the question, since I didn’t want to get back together or be his friend, because then I’d be vulnerable to him again. I don’t ever want to be in a position again where he could hurt me, especially now that I know he’s capable of it.
My ex lives in the apartment right across the hall from mine, so I’m scheduling a meeting with my landlord to see what I have to do to break my lease, so I don’t have to see him coming and going for the next year. I’m hunting around for houses and apartments that need one more roommate, so I don’t have to live alone. I’ve taken advantage of the university’s free counseling services to help me get through this, and my therapist and I really click. I’ve made a list of all the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because I was with him: get a tattoo (he finds them disgusting), eat olives (ditto), move to Rome for a summer (he has to stay in one place, because he’s going into law), and I’m making plans to do them. I’m relishing the prospect of never having to watch Bill O’Reilly (his favorite commentator) again. I’m throwing myself into my graduate studies, and also working hard on my career, and in the past three weeks, I’ve been offered amazing opportunities in my field, including a possible teaching position for next year. I’m doing my best to keep busy and not wallow in sadness, and my friends have told me, “You’re doing so well! You’re so much more together than we would be if we were in your place!” but I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like I want to fly apart in a hundred different directions, and only sheer willpower is keeping me together.
Last night, a friend of mine ran into him, and he told her that he’d made a big, stupid mistake in something to do with his job interviews for next summer. It’s the type of mistake that could put his future career significantly off track. She said that he looked really upset, and she told me this because I think she believed I’d be glad that he’d messed up so badly, but I felt terrible. All I wanted was to go across the hall and knock on his door and give him a hug and a pep talk and tell him that it would be okay, that he’d work it out and come out on top. It took all I had to not do that (and the three beers I’d had earlier that evening probably weren’t helping my willpower), because I knew it would be stupid. He would’ve let me in, taken the support I had to offer, and then thrown me out.
He’s hurt me so, so badly, but still, when I knew that he was hurting, all I wanted was to find some way to help him through it. I know he’s chosen someone else over me, that he has significant communication problems, a remarkable lack of courage when it comes to dealing with problems and emotions, and has demonstrated that he’s completely unworthy of my respect and trust, but still, I wanted to be there for him last night. For some reason, even though he’s proven himself to be a complete shit, part of me still loves him.
And this is why I’m writing to you. I’ve spent the last few days scrolling through Vine archives, looking for something that matched my problem, but while you had several references to getting over exes and grieving for relationships, you never explained how that happens. None of my friends can tell me. None of them has ever been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than eight months; I was with this guy for a third of my entire life. When I’m being logical, I know that I’m better off without him; if he has these character flaws when he’s 24 –- the cheating, the communication failure, the complete abdication of responsibility for maintaining his half of a long-standing, committed relationship -– then how much worse will he be when he’s 45 with 2.5 kids and a mortgage? But I’m often not logical, Sars, and even though my head says I’ve probably dodged a bullet, I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over him.
How does one go about falling out of love? It can’t be that hard; he apparently did it easily enough. I hadn’t even used him or lied to him, or done anything but love him and support him unconditionally in everything he ever undertook. He is a liar and a user and a coward for not telling me earlier, for not speaking up when he first began to have doubts, for not telling me a long time ago, when we could’ve done something about it. It must be infinitely easier to stop loving someone who has acted as he has towards me than with someone who acted as I did towards him.
So…how?
Regards,
Ex-Girlfriend
Dear Ex,
I don’t know exactly how it happens. It just does. It seems like it never will, but you get through each day, and you string a bunch of days together, and it gets better. It takes time.
Until enough time passes to give you some perspective on the fact that the guy you loved and trusted is a dink, don’t be so hard on yourself. Of course you miss him; of course you still love him, and of course you can’t stop thinking of the good times and seeing him in everything. The break-up is still new, and it’s going to make you irrational about him for a while. Bitching at yourself not to long for him just makes you feel even shittier, and distracting yourself with other things is the best plan, but it doesn’t work every minute, and it’s okay if it doesn’t. Nobody expects you to move on without a second thought, so don’t expect it of yourself, not yet.
Eventually, you will move on. The day will come when you see him and the situation more clearly. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you’ll get there. Let the time pass; fill it however you need to.
Tags: boys (and girls) sex the fam workplace
