The Vine: January 17, 2003
Sars,
I am at the end of my creative abilities here, and I turn to you for help.
I’m a children’s librarian. We run a program that gives kids prizes for completing a certain amount of reading. The more you read, the more stuff you get. If that sounds like we’re bribing kids to read, well, you’re absolutely right.
My library is in the middle of a five-year partnership with our local Major League Baseball franchise, who acts as a sponsor for the summer reading program. Their logo is splashed all over everything, they provide some of the prizes, and the grand prize for finishing the program is a ticket to one of the team’s games.
Here is my problem: the majority of girls aren’t interested in baseball. I find this to be especially true of 8-15-year-old girls, who are a big block of our patrons. I’ve tried marshalling them to the cry of equal rights (“You’re not gonna let the boys have all the fun, are you?”), I’ve tried appealing to their hormones (“There are a lot of cute guys at the ballpark!”), I’ve tried pointing out the value of new experiences (“C’mon! How do you know you don’t like baseball if you’ve never been to a game?). But all for naught. Participation by girls in the program has dropped steadily.
So, seeing that you are a female who likes baseball, do you have any ideas on how I can make this whole baseball-themed program more appealing to the ladies? I’ve got three more years of this theme, and I’m all out of ideas.
Thanks for your help.
The Frustrated Librarian
Dear Frustrated,
The only way that I can think of is to get the team to sponsor an outing for program kids before or during the program, instead of after it, and to lean on the parents to make the girls go to the game. I didn’t fall for baseball by reading about it; I fell for it by seeing it, specifically a gigantic home run that had the whole stadium dancing on the seats.
And that still won’t work on a lot of the girls, because it doesn’t work on a lot of people, period. A lot of people think baseball is too slow or too much about stats, or just don’t care for or about sports, and I don’t really understand those foolish people (heh…just kidding), but it’s not a girl thing. It’s a matter of what in baseball appeals to certain personalities. Your best bet is probably to spot the girl with the poetic nature who affects a certain toughness — she’s not a tomboy, and she stands around all “everything within my sight sucks and bores me, so don’t even try it,” but you’ve seen her feed bits of bagel to that one-legged bird out front when she’s waiting for her dad to pick her up. Baseball’s going to get that girl by the front of the shirt and not let go.
Another strategy is to recommend biographies about baseball figures, like Creamer’s Babe Ruth book, or Baseball Babylon, which is about baseball but also kind of gossipy. Or invite them to watch part of Ken Burns’s Baseball miniseries, which is beautifully done. Screen the section about the forties. Stand in the back and wait for the title card reading “April 15, 1947” to come up. Most of the room, sadly, won’t give a shit, but a couple of kids will stiffen up and furrow their brows, which means that, up in heaven, Jackie Robinson has just added two more asses to his “Lifetime Kicked” list. You just have to hope one of those kids is a girl.
But I don’t think you can tailor your appeals to their femaleness. You have to find the ones that would like baseball anyway, and position them so that baseball can grab them.
Dear Sars,
I’m obsessing about a guy friend of mine. I’ve known him for a pretty long
time (about seven years) and I’ve been attracted to him for much of that
time, but for most of the time he had a girlfriend who was also also a good
friend of mine, and after they broke up he got together with another girl I
don’t know, and we were losing touch for various practical reasons as well.
Anyhow, he called last night to say that he would be in my town soon (he
lives a few hundred miles away) and said we should get together, and he asked if
he could stay at my apartment (I love having houseguests and pretty much
keep an open house, so it’s not an imposition or anything). I was just
happy to hear from him when we were on the phone (I probably hadn’t seen him
in a year), but all last night, and to a lesser extent, today, I’ve been
thinking about him and how much I would like to get romantically involved
with him. I don’t even know that he’s single right now; if I knew that he
was in a relationship with someone else, this wouldn’t bother me so much.
The rational part of my brain points out that even if I did know he was
single, there are plenty of other reasons to not get involved with this guy:
He lives six states away. He’s about to start a medical residency. In the
military. I’m friends with his ex-long-term-girlfriend. As cheesy as it
sounds, I wouldn’t want to damage the friendship we do have. And, again, he
may have a current girlfriend.
But another semi-rational part of me says that we’re well-suited; we have
similar personalities, we share interests, we like each other’s friends, we
have similar (non-)religious beliefs (and believe me, finding a nice atheist
boy is not as easy as it sounds). This all sounds kind of lame when I type
it out, but really, I feel like we could be very compatible, and I would
like a chance with him before he goes and marries someone else. And I think
the attraction may be mutual.
So, I can take care of some of the advice on my own: don’t worry about it
too much until you know he’s available, but what then?
Too indecisive to come up with a clever nickname
Dear Indecisive,
Ah, the “what then.” The “what then” is frustrating, but in many ways, it’s easier to handle than the “that’s that, then.” The “what then” lets you wonder, keeps it in the realm of possibility, but with the “that’s that, then,” you know for sure — good or bad.
Of course, the “what then” can turn into the “what if” really easily. If he’s available, make your move. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — it’s better to regret doing something than to regret doing nothing.
Dear Sars,
An old friend of mine (we went to grade school
together) just got engaged. When she announced the
engagement, I responded with the usual
congratulations. Unfortunately, they were totally
fake, because I don’t think much of the guy she’s
engaged to and I think it’s unlikely that their
marriage will be successful. To complicate things, I
have some issues with her as a friend that I have been
meaning to discuss with her for a while, but now it
seems like the timing is weird.
My dilemma is, how do I handle things with her? I
don’t really feel like it’s my place to tell her all
the things I think are wrong with her fiancé — at worst,
it would put an end to the friendship, and at best it
would be pretty cruel. On the other hand, I can’t see
myself enthusiastically participating in all of the
wedding activities, particularly if she asks me to be
a bridesmaid (which is likely, since she was a
bridesmaid in my wedding), when I think the whole thing
is a huge mistake and I’m not really feeling that
friendly toward her in the first place. So, what would
you recommend?
Should I Speak Now Or Forever Hold My Peace?
Dear Speak Now,
I don’t think you need to screen The Home Truths About Our Friendship Hour for her — at least, not yet — but I do think you need to find a way to decline if she asks you to serve as a bridesmaid. To stand up as an attendant when you feel the way you do, about her and about the match she’s made, is unwise at best, and you will wind up resenting it, and her.
If she asks why you don’t want to do it, which she probably will, you can offer an excuse about the time commitment or plans that weekend or whatever, or you can tell her the truth, namely that you’d feel like a hypocrite when you don’t feel all that close with her anymore and you think her fiancé is a bad choice. I understand that you don’t want to cause a big blow-up or inflict any unnecessary unhappiness on her, but it’s probably past time for both of you to acknowledge that the center of the friendship isn’t holding.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships popcult
