I have a question for you. It’s not about a boy, but it is, in its own way, about negotiating relationships.

First a little background: I am a Ph.D. student at a large university. I’ve never really been happy in the program, for a variety of reasons. Still, once I finished my coursework, began studying for my comprehensive exams, and minimized my interaction with the profoundly dysfunctional department members, I felt much happier and more grounded.

But I recently received formal feedback on my exams from my dissertation committee, and, well, I’m not very happy about it. In the first place, I had to ask for the feedback (and the official “You passed” letter) after months of not hearing anything. In the second place, the feedback is so fragmented and contradictory that I’m really not sure what I’m supposed to get out of it. I realize that the three readers are looking for different things, and will respond differently to the rhetorical moves and content choices I made, but the overwhelming impression I got from the responses is that the committee didn’t talk to each other at all to discuss or compare or debate their different readings. (Which left me wondering if they are even supposed to do that, or if I am just expecting too much.)

I’m especially frustrated because I was asked to revise my second exam (something that is, quite literally, unheard of). What bothers me most that my committee members were still not happy with the revised version, and specifically felt that I was still just “listing” stuff. I spent quite a long time on those revisions trying to pose problems and to address the more holistic concerns of the questions, so that just irks. And it sort of makes me wonder if the problem was really me, or whether it was the questions themselves. Two of the three committee members mention in their feedback that they know that I’m capable of doing what they say they wanted from the exam answers. So, if I’m capable of it, as demonstrated by past endeavors, why wouldn’t I have performed up to my usual standard unless their expectations weren’t clearly conveyed by the questions? Which may just be me getting defensive, and I’ve frankly lost all sense of perspective on that…

I asked for advice from a friend who knows both the major players and the exigencies of this particular program, and she suggested that I wait six months before doing anything. In six months, the theory is, I might not care about this anymore (not likely), and if I do still care, and choose to talk to my committee, I’m much less likely to come across as defensive. That was great advice, and I’m going to take it.

That’s really all just background to the question I have: Is there any way of communicating my sense of frustration to my committee without coming across as bitchy or defensive? I feel like they need to know that this feels like a total waste of a learning experience because I have no idea what I’m supposed to have learned. (Or, maybe more accurately, it feels like yet another learning experience of how much I hate the department and the program.) I also feel like I want to tell somebody (the grad director? the department chair? I dunno.) that a) they need a better system for making sure people get results in a timely fashion and b) the whole process might be more constructive if grad students were given a single cohesive response to prevent serious contradiction among committee members (or to at least acknowledge the existence of said contradiction, as in, “We couldn’t all agree about [x],” which at least signals that there was communication among the members). But I’m really afraid of having my concerns outright dismissed because they are seen as simply complaining or defensive. So, I don’t know what to do.

Any ideas? Thanks!

Signed,
Note to self: Here’s how not to be a professor

She seems to be taking it in stride, but I know she
must be bored out of her skull. I’d like to send her
something (books? DVDs?), but I’m not sure what. I figured maybe someone
out there has been in this position (literally) and
might have some original ideas.

Also, she’s kind of body-conscious and trapped on a
couch, so food is kind of out of the question. And
something I could mail or have shipped would be ideal,
as she lives eight hours away.

Any help you could give me would be greatly
appreciated!

Signed,
Saving the champagne until spring

I thought I’d throw a problem your way and hope someone can help me. Recently, after six years in very rainy climate, I moved back to my hometown on the desert side of the mountains. As soon as the weather changed and we started turning on our heat, the skin on my face freaked out. In the past few weeks my skin has gone from healthy, soft, and glowing to rough and dry. I feel disgusting and my skin just doesn’t look as good.

Nothing in my routine has changed and I don’t wear makeup or use harsh cleansers. The problem is completely confined to my face and ears and is driving me nuts. I’ve tried a couple different moisturizers, a facial mask designed to “nourish dry, thirsty skin,” and have even tried making natural masks at home (my best friend makes fabulous natural beauty products, so I tried her recommendations first). Nothing is working. I realize dry heat inside combined with cold dry air outside is making the problem worse, but there must be something out there I can use to keep my skin looking good even when those factors are working against me. Do you know of a particularly good way of combatting dry skin that won’t clog pores? I’m open to any suggestions, although cost is somewhat of an object.

Thanks for any help,
Jo

I have an issue that I would really like some outside perspective on, but this isn’t something I am going to bring up to friends or family, so here it goes…

I have been with my boyfriend for a two years, and have been co-habitating for over half of this time. We transitioned from spending every evening together to spending 24 hours together quite smoothly, and easily fell into a routine that worked for us. Sars, this is a man I love to death and I have no doubt we will get married and have children sometime in the future. Our sex life is great, we both like to try new things, so even two years later things still aren’t boring. The problem is some information that came out during one of our sex sessions that has made me a little wary.

For background, my boyfriend was in a long-term relationship(for nearly a decade) that ended a few years before I met him. This other woman cheated on him and he left her as soon as he found out. They had been living together for years at this point so he had to go through the hassle of selling the house, splitting possessions, et cetera. Since then he dated a bit, but I am am the first serious relationship he has had since. By the way, at the time there were rumors that they broke up because he was gay, but there were lots of rumors floating around and this is coming from people where if you don’t wear a ballcap and drive a truck, you HAVE to be gay.

So back to the problem: a few months ago during a rather steamy sack session he says that it would be even hotter if there was another man with us in the bedroom. I don’t think that this comment even registered until the next day, but the more I thought about it the more it bothered me; considering his last serious relationship ended because of cheating, you wouldn’t think he would ever want to bring another man around. I would never want to share him, and aren’t men supposed to fantasize about threesome involving two women?

He has mentioned this a few more times since, always in the middle of sex when he wants to talk dirty and needs that extra push to get off. We don’t have any problems in the bedroom, he never has any trouble getting or staying aroused with me, and I realize he is just expressing a fantasy, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe he is gay. I have had some non-mainstream fantasies myself, but this just freaks me out a bit. So the question is, could he be gay or am I just over-reacting because this fantasy is a little more out of the ordinary. He has never done anything else to make me suspect he may not be straight, but this is still bugging me.

Signed,
All guys dream of a threesome, this is just a normal variation, right?

I have an issue that’s been simmering for awhile now, and I need help getting rid of it.

Boyfriend is 19, I’m 21. That gap is just big enough to make me wonder if the behavior in this issue is something he’ll grow out of, or a characher trait. My boyfriend’s uncle is making me very unhappy. He’s a sweet guy, generally, but he’s terrible with money. Other people’s money. Four months ago, I planned to buy a truck from him but backed out, leaving $200 in his hands. I’ve been pressing Boyfriend to ask for it back (he orchestrated the whole deal, and it’s his uncle), but Uncle keeps giving the sob story of bad business, not being “the mechanic’s season,” whatever the hell that means. I get it, I see that money might be tight when you’re a one-man business. But, this guy manages to regale Boyfriend with stories of drunken nights with bar tabs that run well over $150…every night. So much for “mechanic’s season.” (Seriously, what the hell?) I can’t have my money back because he feels like drinking? I have school bills to pay off!

The second half of this problem is that my boyfriend has poured money into his grandfather’s handed-down truck almost the entire time we’ve been together; over a year at this point. He refused to sell it, save up and buy a better vehicle. This, of course, regardless of the fact that I was carting his ass around anyway, since his truck was sitting in his uncle’s for TEN MONTHS waiting for a new clutch and some bondo. Oh, and gas money? Not words in Boyfriend’s vocabulary. But I love him so I let it slide. I was also buying groceries and paying when I wanted a date — we’re talking that much cash all straight to Uncle’s pocket.

Now, thanks to all the hard work and extra money, the truck, it runs fairly well. It’s only glitch now is that the idle wavers at stoplights. Boyfriend took it back to Uncle to see why it does that, Uncle did what he always does, and unfolded a big story about X, Y, and Z parts that are “on their way out.” And, as usual, lucky for Boyfriend, Uncle has a truck available for purchase, to the tune of $2,700.00.

Boyfriend loooooves the truck, so he talks to his mom, who HE has blamed many times for trying to sabotage the move-out process. She agrees to lend him the money until he gets his tax return. Then he can use that to pay her back. (He has a daughter, pays child support, can’t afford large purchases except around tax-time.) I have been living with him — in his mother’s house! — for over a year, and I have a biiiig issue with being the last person in on this. By the time he came to me, if I had said no, I would’ve looked like a controlling bitch. I’m not. My problems come from the fact that a) he refuses to have Uncle’s work checked by another mechanic and b) we agreed to use our tax returns to move out and c) his mother’s first words when THEY came to talk to me about it was, “I’m not doing this just to keep him at home, I want you to know.” (Which, hello, I wasn’t thinking that until now!) Add on to that that, d) even though Uncle now has the $2,700.00, he still manages to escape giving me my $200.00 back. I’ve requested it personally a few times, he always says, “Yes, I’ll get it for you next time I’m at the bank” or some other line meaning, “No.”

So, dear Sars, what do I do? Should I forget the $200, or ruin my already-precarious relationship with the family by getting mean with Uncle? Even though I can’t really afford it, should I try to get a place on my own, on principle?

I feel like I ought to do something to make myself heard, but I just don’t have a clue what.

Very sincerely,
Rent in New England is un. real.