Dear Sars,

I’ve had some good luck and some bad luck with the ladies in the past, but this current situation has me really confused. I’m a grad student and I met this undergrad girl (different school) through an online dating site. We talked online and on the phone a lot, and started dating, which was great. We were talking to each other at least every other day if not every day, seeing each other about once a week, and it felt reciprocal.

So we were dating for just over a month, when her finals hit — a bunch of papers and an exam…sadly and to her disappointment (and mine), she didn’t have time to see me before she went back home (several hours away) for the break. I realized that we had not been dating long, but she asked me to visit her at home, and I expressed to her that I wanted to keep seeing her over the break. We left it at that, which we both seemed happy with, without any specifics about keeping in touch, and I wasn’t worried since we talked almost every day.

So I talked to her once on the phone a day or two after she got home, and things seemed fine — normal if not mediocre conversation. But since then, which was over a week ago, she’s disappeared. She’s not online ever, and when I’ve called her phone, it has that double ring sound at some point which makes me think it’s off or something. I left a voicemail message for her after a couple days, and an email a day or so later (note: these messages weren’t demanding or anything, just “haven’t heard from you, was hoping to chat” messages), although she has a reputation of forgetting to check and losing messages. I expected that I might not get to talk to her as much because of the long distance, but not at all?

So my question is, at what point should I move on and give up? After how long of not hearing from her should I begin to assume it’s over? I’m still really into this girl, even though I’m kind of pissed that she’s disappeared. If I meant something to her, I rationalize, she would have let me know what the deal is, right? Or am I being too impatient, clingy, and unreasonable, since we had only been dating like five weeks, and suddenly she’s back at home dealing with parents and high school friends? I’m killing myself, because I pretty much assume I must have done something wrong — like perhaps I came off exactly as insecure as I am but try to hide. But I also think that’s pretty egotistical; this seems too extreme a reaction to anything I could have done…and she seemed really into me…so of course, I start wondering if maybe something bad has happened to her.

I want to relax and just not think or worry about this girl, but unfortunately she got to me. My friends tell me I’m too good for this, and also, that I should be fine with the possibility that I may never hear from her again or know why. I can try to be patient, but don’t know if I can be fine like that. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Hoping She’ll Call Soon and Tell Me What’s Up

Dear She Won’t,

How much time, exactly, do you think “dealing with parents and high school friends” takes up? She’s not dead in a ditch somewhere; someone would have picked up her phone and told you by now. She’s just too wimpy to tell you she’s not really into it.

Your first hint was finals; if she were that psyched about you, she’d have made an effort to see you before heading out for the break. I know it’s a busy time, but if it’s your last chance for awhile to see someone you dig, you take it, even if it’s inconvenient. She didn’t take it. Now she’s turned her phone off and isn’t answering email.

I’m not trying to excuse her behavior; you didn’t do anything wrong and she’s a shitheel for not just speaking truthfully to you, but don’t try to rationalize her behavior anymore. It’s a waste of time. A relationship is usually at a certain pitch of intensity five weeks into things, and this one isn’t.

You can call her once more and let her know that you’re getting the distinct feeling she’s blowing you off, but after that, move on. She’s not on the same page.

Dear Sars,

This may sound a little high school-ish but I have a problem. It’s a long
story that I can make very simple. I have liked this guy for two years now,
never done anything about it as he has showed no interest in me whatsoever.
Anyways after a few drinks after work, he confided in me that he is in love
with one of my closest friends and likes it when I send emails of photos
that she is in, he asked me to continue sending them.

I know for a fact that she has had a thing for him in the past. If I were to
tell my friend, the first thing she would do is go and ask him out; I don’t
want her to date him. I actually don’t want anyone to date him, least of all
her, because of my feelings for him. I think I could handle him dating
someone else because I wouldn’t be subjected to it all the time.

So I’m
jealous that he likes her and not me. Do I tell her that he is in love with
her, knowing she will ask him out? Or is it possible to just not tell her
and let things happen if they happen? If I want to do the latter, am I the
worst friend ever?

Conflicted

Dear Conflict Of Interest,

I think you try to stay out of it as best you can, and if either of them asks why, just tell the truth — you don’t feel comfortable getting involved in anything that goes on between the two of them, because you have feelings for him and you can’t get past them.

I think you should also stop spending much time with the guy, because if you know for sure he doesn’t share your feelings, it’s just reinforcing those feelings and giving you ag you don’t need. Cutting down on your exposure to him also has the benefit of not putting you in a matchmaker position you’d rather not deal with.

You can make it clear to them both, if it comes up, that they should do what they want and you’ll deal with it; don’t make either of them choose you over the other, because that never ends well. But maybe you need to recuse yourself from this triangle for a while, to get over the guy, because until you do that, it’s just going to drag on this way with awkwardness and resentments; it’s natural to feel those things, and it’s hard to put people that you care about aside, but it’s probably best in this case in terms of avoiding an ugly blow-up down the road.

They’re going to do what they’re going to do. Get out of the middle and stay there until you can be a bit more objective.

Sars,

Let me start off by saying you rock. Now, on to my problem. It’s
minor, but I still don’t know what to do.

I am a student at BYU, and here in Provo all the apartment complexes and
student housing areas are broken into wards, which is the group of people
you have church with. There is one particular boy in my present ward who is
just creepy, in a subtle, but nonetheless annoying way. We’ll call him B.

B has no sense of personal space, whatsoever. He’s one of those guys who
will go up and put his arm around a girl he doen’t even know that well (like
me), squeeze her shoulder and say something like, “You look really great
today.” I know that doesn’t sound all that bad, but Sars, I barely know
this guy. I see him at church once a week, where we never really talk
except when he squeezes my shoulder, and sporadically at church functions.
We never hang out, and we’re not friends, so I have no idea why he feels
that it’s okay to invade my personal space. Maybe he is just trying to be
friendly, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and I have to focus all my
energy on restraining myself from yelling, “Three feet! Three feet!” and
shoving him away. It’s not that I’m averse to personal contact, but I like
to keep it to people I actually know and am friends with, or my family.

Sars, what should I do? Should I just suck it up and deal? I don’t think
he sees anything wrong with what he’s doing, so maybe I should just let him
know that it’s not okay for him to get that close. Any input you have would
be great.

Hands Off, Buddy

Dear Bud,

Tell him that the shoulder squeezes make you uncomfortable, and that he needs to stop. Resist the urge to qualify it with a bunch of that “no offense” or “it’s not that I don’t like you” babbling; just tell him to stop it because you don’t like it. You said yourself that you don’t hang out with the guy, so there’s no need to soften it or explain yourself. Tell him, nicely but firmly, to quit it, thank him for understanding, and walk away.

Dear Sars,

In a few weeks I will be graduating from undergrad, an event I do not consider terribly important and one that I do not wish to celebrate. My mother, however, told me several weeks ago that she wanted to throw a party of some kind to mark the occasion — because my college does not have a winter graduation ceremony — and she wanted me to invite my friends and beloved professors. As gently as possible I told her that I would feel uncomfortable at such a party and asked if we could do something else to celebrate. Yesterday, however, I discovered that my mother, without my knowledge, contacted two of my professors and my roommate and they have planned the aforementioned unwanted party.

I’m pretty pissed off and I feel manipulated and ignored. I felt badly telling my mother that I did not want a party, because I know she is proud of me and wants to share my accomplishment with others, but I really do not want this attention. I am graduating a semester earlier than all of my friends and I don’t want them to feel as though I am flaunting my early graduation with this gathering. I also feel ridiculous asking my professors to applaud my bachelor’s when all of them have doctorates. I just don’t feel as though I have accomplished anything significant. I survived another three-and-a-half years of education for which I will receive a piece of paper because my parents could afford it.

Am I being selfish because I do not want to suffer the discomfort and embarrassment of being the center of attention to make my mother happy? Is there any way that I can extricate myself from this situation without looking like an ungrateful jerk?

Signed,
Scowling Fiercely

Dear Lighten Up,

No, there really isn’t, and to my mind you’re being unnecessarily pissy about this whole thing. I understand that you told your mother you didn’t want a party and that she then went against your explicit wishes, and I don’t blame you for getting torqued about that — but your stated reasons for not wanting the party in the first place are disproportionately crabby and self-flagellating. Graduating is in fact a fairly big deal, and I don’t think it would even occur to your friends that you’re “flaunting” anything when 1) it’s a function organized by your mom, not you, and 2) it’s a relatively small function in the second place. I mean, it’s not like she rented out the entire Plaza. And as for your professors…if they really feel that you’re that insignificant, they just won’t come.

Again, I get that your mother “disobeyed” you, but you can have a stern talk with her about that another time. For now, work on 1) giving yourself some credit and not downplaying all your own accomplishments as though it annoys you to have achieved anything, and 2) graciously accepting your mom’s and friends’ congratulations. Any legitimate beef you might have had is kind of trumped by the fact that you’re being a big sourpuss about the event. Suck it up.

Hello, Sars —

Thank you for the great advice you gave me when I wrote to you last year. I appreciated the time you took to answer my question; so much so, in fact, that I have another issue for you! You lucky woman, you.

This one’s actually a bit stickier than the last one was. I have a close girlfriend with whom I was chatting a few days ago, and in the course of the conversation, she told me that she had yet to send out any thank-you notes for the gifts she received for the birth of her daughter. It’s now the middle of January, her daughter was born in October of 2004, and her first baby shower was thrown the first week of September, 2004. Lots of presents given to her (and baby), but no thank-you notes.

I was somewhat scandalized by this and, to her credit, Girlfriend was upset by her own lack of promptness and responsibility. Her reasons for slacking on the expressions gratitude were mostly along the lines of “baby keeps me up late, I have no time, I’m so tired, et cetera.” And, as a mother myself, I know how hard it is to get anything at all done with a wee one around. However, even if she only wrote one or two thank-you notes a day, they would have been done by now.

But then, it gets worse. It turns out that Girlfriend also flaked on her wedding present thank-you notes. She and her husband were married in July, 2002. And, from what she told me, she still intends to send out her wedding present thank-you notes. Some two to three years later.

Then she asked my advice on this, and I was fairly stymied. I read your most recent essay and it reminded me of your beliefs about thank you notes — you seemed a good person to ask. So, after all the wind-up, here’s the pitch: Should Girlfriend go ahead and send out three-year-old thank-you notes for her wedding/bridal shower presents, or should she just forget about them and hope that her friends and family are forgiving sorts? Or, should she send the notes, and also send an apology letter with them? I assume that the baby thank-you notes, if she gets right on them, would still be okay to send; if not, please feel free to correct me. I’m not really versed in the time frames for this — I send out my thank you notes as soon as possible, so I have no experience with this.

Thank you so much,
Thanks but No Thanks

Dear Thanks,

I don’t know what the “official” time frame is here either, as I also just send them out as fast as I can, but with weddings and showers, I believe it’s different, because you have so many to write. I think you have a year, or something, although again my instinct would be to sit down with my husband, split up the list, and just burn through them while drinking wine and watching TV.

With that said, here’s what I’d do if I were Girlfriend. I’d sit down with the list of wedding thank-yous and the list of baby thank-yous. If there’s any overlap in the list, she should write to the people who get two notes first, thanking them for her wedding gift, and cross them off the wedding list. Then she should do the entire baby shower list, including the people she already wrote to about the wedding gifts. Then she should go back and do the entire wedding-gift list. See how that works? That way people at least get them in the right order. (Note: She should not thank anyone for two different occasions of gift in one note. She should have written all of the notes, years ago in some cases, so she’s not to take herself off the hook for any of them by double-dipping.)

But she’s got to write them — better late than never — and I’ll tell you why. My mother is still crabbing about a friend of mine who stayed with us for Thanksgiving and didn’t send a note afterwards. This was ten years ago, mind you. But if that friend wrote a thank-you note now, my mother would be like, “Wow, finally,” and drop it. My point is twofold: People remember this shit and hold it against you, because they took the time to go to your registry and buy you something, and if you don’t acknowledge it, they think you’re a greedy asshole. But if you make the effort, even if it’s embarrassingly late, they’ll think you’re well-mannered, but very very disorganized, which is preferable.

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