So how do you completely change your career path?

For the past four years I’ve been working as a
substitute teacher. I took a long-term position this
August that ends next June, and I’m already miserable.
I know that no job is perfect, but I’m tired of waking
up at 4:30 every morning feeling sick because I have
to go to this job.

I think I’d like to work in film, but I don’t even
know how to take what I’ve done and make it look
desirable to people in that industry. I have no
problem taking an entry-level job to pay my dues, but
I’m not sure that I’d even be able to get one of
those.

So I guess my question is: How do you decide if it’s
worth taking a giant leap out of the very job secure
world of education into the crazy world of movies. How
do you begin to change directions so completely? And
how do you tell your parents without killing them?

Thanks,
Too Tired to Think of a Catchy Name

I am in need of some outside advice regarding someone I use to
consider a “good friend.” Should I break off our friendship is the big
question. Does this make me a bad person is the second question.

I always feel drained, distracted and lately having angry frustrations
after she has left. I am happy and relieved when she departs.

We have known each other for about five years. Over this period of time
we have shared many things and all forms of discussions and their
parallels. I have gently tried to point out that she should think
before divulging information or creating these horrible situations.

I admit I have enjoyed her company, but mostly not! She always has a
story to tell, and it is always about some drama in her life. Self-inflicted drama that I have come to believe she is addicted to. These
stories never seem to have an ending and more stories are spun off.
She moves from one subject matter to another, never ending a story. It
winds up being, anywhere from 10-20 stories in any one stringing
event. She actually has the nerve to be angry if you try to stop her
or ask her to get back to her point of the original story. Most of the
time I pray something will distract her away from all the stories.
They seem to drag on and on and on and on…I am guilty of
distracting her on purpose.

I am questioning myself if I am being selfish regarding this “good
friend.” I am impatient with the “drama stories” she is constantly
sharing with me, and anyone she knows or meets for that matter.
Truthfully, I dread and hate them! I hate gossip anyway and I hate
dramatic self-imposed situations.

On top of that, she always makes every little instance in her life
seem so, well, dramatic. It is always about her and frankly, I am
tired of that too. More and more I am seeing the self-serving person
she really is. She has a scary way of turning things to be about her,
even when they are not. Oversensationalizing is the word I think for
this.

I.e.: Her dog was shot and killed by someone. No one has taken
responsibility for it. She has made it all about her! Unbelievably so!
She claims she knows who did it, and that this person did it to get
the dog out of the way so he could date her! I am astonished at her
and it was hard to discuss this with her. She believes it so deeply,
she cannot believe otherwise. This person she is saying did this has a
girlfriend and has no interest in her. Her sister even tried to
assure her that this was not the case as she also knows this man. She
told her outright she was being ridiculous. No effect.

The frivolous phone calls drive me crazy too. She calls, then calls
back, then calls back. In fact, there has been several occasions she
has phoned and left many messages. Her voice reflecting her anger as
she felt I was avoiding her and asking why I was not responding to her
immediately. She does not phone unless she is in some crisis or has
some need.

I.e.: She phones me from a store, talks to someone else while having me
wait for her to answer my hello. I know it is her, because I have
caller ID. She will phone me while flirting with someone or their
pet. Going on and on and on about this and that. Not talking to me,
but holding me on the line. What is this about?

Another thing is her cell phone. She is always interrupting me and
others with her phone. Making calls suddenly in the middle of anything
or taking them. As if everything is so important, then trying to bring
her conversation into the situation at hand. Trying to bring attention
to herself I think.

She is very annoying in another area as well. She takes things that
are mine and makes them hers. She uses things that are my shared ideas
or thoughts and has forgotten where she got them from. She shares with
me her new found revelations and great ideas she discovered on her
own. I have pointed out on occasion this oversight of hers. Wrong
thing to do! She feels I am trying to one up her! I am a bit confused
how she turns this into how she is wronged.

There is no talking to her about this. She claims she is open-minded,
but I can honestly say that is not the case. She will not see what she
will not see.

I do not know how to gracefully break it off with her. I believe that
karma needs to remain clear of any negative situations. At least,
avoid as many as possible. I strive to limit negative karma in my
life. Am I revealing myself as an untrue and unreliable or undedicated
friend because I want to end this relationship?

Maybe you can give some guidance on this issue as I feel the need to
move away from so much negativity. I like to surround myself more with
positive energy. I feel instead, I am being drained of my life force.

Please, help me.
Randi

We drew apart from her a little once college started
(Sis and I went to a school a few states away, Ally
started school but it wasn’t for her, so she’s been in
the workforce ever since) but we all tried our best to
keep in touch. She met boyfriend “Bob,” and oops,
Ally’s pregnant. Bob tries to harass her into getting
rid of the baby, she decides to keep it, Bob overnight
changes his mind and becomes Mr. Supportive…until he
changes his mind again and turns out to be a complete
dirtbag. Lots of fights, lots of immaturity on his
part, he splits, and it’s been a neverending battle
ever since to get him to pay child support (he’s gone
to jail at least once for non-payment).

Ally’s pretty tough, though, she raises Daughter on her
own (and does a great job). However, there’s a few
bad boyfriend choices. There was the one who’s
ex-girlfriend took him to court for alleged
child abuse. There was the fireman she was seeing who
was “just about ready to break up with his
girlfriend.” And then there was the former drug
dealer that she met while she was working at a
hospital. He was there doing his court-appointed
mandatory rehab. (No, really, and she had a FOUR-YEAR-OLD IN THE HOUSE.) That one ended when he
disappeared, along with her TV, her stereo, and her
car. (I wish I was making this up…)

And then there was James. Ally met James at a party.
Love at first sight. Two months later Sis and I get
an email. “Hey there, guess what, I’m preggers! No
really, it was a total accident, but we’re getting
married in two months!”

Very quick wedding, and very soon after, Son is born.
And almost one year later Ally’s freaking out, because
James is ALSO a total dirtbag. Had a habit of saying
very snide, sarcastic, and mean things to Daughter (no
physical abuse that we know of, thank God), wasn’t a
very attentive husband, had a little trouble holding
down jobs, and was really REALLY bad with money (at
one point apparently Ally gave him money for some
bills that really needed to be paid. He took the
money to buy himself a new gun. And later, pawned the
gun because what he really wanted to buy was some
beer). And already has two other children from two
different ex-girlfriends.

Ally’s telling Sis and I this while we sit around her
kitchen table, and at one point says, “My whole family
is furious with me, they’re all saying, ‘Well, it looks
like you went out and found yourself another Bob!'”
Sis and I are trying to be supportive, but of course
we’re thinking, “Ooooo yes you did.”

Two years later and she’s been doing really well.
She’s got an excellent job, a place of her own, and
tries to have as little to do with James as possible,
she says she can’t believe the choices she’s made in
the past and she really wants to get her life
together. Except…they never actually got a
divorce. You probably already see where this is
going. We just got an email from her saying that she
and James had reconciled, and they were going to buy a
house together! “He’s really calmed down,” she says.
100% improvement. Except, they’re not actually living
in the same city yet, they only see each other on the
weekends. But isn’t it great!

Most times we don’t hear about how bad a situation is
until everything’s hit the fan, and she’s freaking
out, and it wouldn’t be a great time to say, “What the
HECK are you DOING would you PLEASE think about these
people before you have their babies and let them
around your CHILDREN.” And by the time she tells us
about these horrible situations, she’s already on her
way out of them. (“Hey guys, my boyfriend walked off
with several thousand dollars of my property, we’re
not together anymore.”) But now we know about it
ahead of time, and we’re thinking we should…what?
Call her out on the carpet? Lecture her? I’ve had my
share of unfortunate boyfriend choices, I’m wondering
what right I have to give HER advice. We’re also
worried about pushing her away, and we know a lot of
times being a good friend is being supportive, and
helping to pick up the pieces afterwards. AND as mad
as we are at her for making these choices, well, they
are HER choices after all, and the situation always
looks different from the inside.

The question is: Do we A) say nothing and tell her
how great it all is, B) say something like “this
doesn’t sound like a great idea” but otherwise be
supportive, or C) get all intervention-y and do a
blow-by-blow on how much we think this entire
situation is going to blow up in her face. Again.

This friendship may be at the end of its lifespan,
we’ve grown apart a lot, and it’s gotten to be where
it’s less fun to hang out with Ally (aside from the
relationship drama, there’s a whoooole pile of political
issues we always seem to be on opposite sides of) and
if we were to say nothing, we’d probably drift apart
in the end, and if we say something and she gets mad
we’d…drift apart anyway. It’s more about what we
have the right to say, and do we go throwing around
advice or not. And she WAS a really good friend to us
once.

Concerned (And Interfering? Too Passive? Judgemental?…)

So, I’ve had a crush on my boss David for the past eight months, and I think he might like me too. Actually, to back up, David is only kind of my boss — he supervises me (closely) on one of the projects I work on, and technically we have the same job title, but because he has been at the company for four years longer than I have, he assigns me work and writes performance evaluations for me.

I should tell you upfront that nothing has happened between me and David. We don’t flirt, we don’t see each other outside of work, and none of the other people on the project have any idea that I like him. The thing is, though, that David is really great. He’s smart, he’s funny, he sees things the same way I do, and he seems like a better fit for me than any of the guys I’ve dated in the past. I think that we could make a great couple, and I have a hunch that he feels the same way. He calls me more than he needs to at work (including to talk about stuff unrelated to our project), he sometimes stares at me in meetings when he thinks I can’t see him, and he says over-the-top fantastic things about me to other people in the company (some of whom then tell me). At least five people at work (including two of his close friends) have told me (unsolicited) that David and I are perfect for each other and should date, but I’m always careful to respond that, although he is great, we work together.

If David were not my supervisor, the situation would resolve itself one way or another, but as things stand, I don’t know what to do. I’m quite sure that David will never ask me out or even flirt with me because he (quite appropriately) would not want me to feel uncomfortable or sexually harassed. I’m not really comfortable pursuing him either, though, because (a) I can’t be sure that he is interested in me, (b) even if he is interested in me, I don’t know that he would be willing to date someone who works for him, and (c) even if he is interested and willing to date me, I’m not sure that I am comfortable dating my supervisor for all of the classic reasons.

I know that there are two obvious courses of action for me to take — (1) ask David out and then ask to be transferred off of his project if things go south, or (2) recognize that workplace romance is a bad idea and move on. Neither of these options is attractive, though. David’s project (which will last at least one more year) is a great career opportunity for me, and I don’t want to give it up. And I’m also reluctant to give up my crush because, trite though it may sound, I really think that David and I could be great together.

So what do you think I should do? And since I am probably fishing for you to tell me that I should pursue my crush on David, how do I find out whether David would be interested in dating me? I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or put any pressure on him, and I think I could strike the right tone if I ever managed to get the conversation started, but I don’t even know where to begin because I only see him at work.

Anyway, any advice you can give would be much appreciated, and I’m a big fan of your sites!

To Be or Not To Be Meredith Grey

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a choir or drama troupe, but any
of your readers who have will know exactly the kind of situation
I’ve just found myself in: an unfortunate romantic liaison is about
to cause the implosion of an entire, incestuously close group of
friends, who will nevertheless have to see each other for long hours
of rehearsals for at least the next six months. Whee.

In honor of the drama troupe metaphor (although we’re actually all
choirmates), I will give the synopsis in the form of a dramatis personae.

ME, a junior at X College.

ELEANOR, a good friend, senior at X College.

JANE, my “heller,” i.e., the person responsible for “hazing” me in the
very fluffy and bonding way we have at my school, senior at X College, and
MORTAL ENEMY of Eleanor. They were close friends freshman year, and then
Jane slept with Eleanor’s very committed boyfriend, who didn’t tell her
about it until New Year’s Eve a month after, while staying with her
family. She was by turns hysterical, physically threatening, and
depressed; Jane was alternately irrational, martyred, and vocally not
sorry at all. They’re still not speaking. They avoid each other
unobtrusively but completely, which is why I didn’t know about their
history until after knowing them both for a year or so.

TIM, a 23-year-old graduate of nearby Y College, still in the joint
college choir and likely to remain so until he DIES. My ex-boyfriend from
two years ago. The relationship lasted three weeks; the ever-less-amicable
aftermath, five months. Essentially, he said he loved me, but wasn’t
comfortable with his feelings of sexual attraction; he also claimed never
to have masturbated, so I figured there was a chance that he was just
really, really repressed as opposed to really, really feeding me a line.
After the aforementioned five months of him alternately ignoring me and
wanting to “re-examine” our relationship, I finally called bullshit and
started actively disliking him, although he hasn’t noticed yet.

Imagine my surprise when Eleanor confessed to me, one night last
year, that she had a crush on Tim. I didn’t want to appear the
bitter ex, and so I murmured noncommittally rather than screaming,
which was probably a bad move, as over the next eight or nine
months I watched (and listened) as “crush” turned into “love”
turned into Eleanor dumping her boyfriend for being not enough
like Tim, and telling Tim how she felt about him. This last
development occurred after Eleanor and Tim had a blow-up after
Tim, out of the blue, brought up Jane in conversation, telling
Eleanor that she should really reconcile because they’re both good
people. Really bad move; you just can’t talk to Eleanor about
Jane, and especially not if she’s just heard a rumor that you and
Jane slept together a few years ago, which she had as regarded
Tim.

Their make-up conversation included Tim becoming very
agitated about the rumor, denying it, assuring Eleanor that he
would always be her friend, and Eleanor confessing her love. Tim
responded by saying that he loved her as a “dear friend,” and
there were certain times that he’d felt that there was something
between them…and didn’t say anything more substantial than that.
Of course she was walking on air. A week after that, Jane comes up
to me and asks me if I would mind if she dated Tim; he asked her
out a week ago.

Sars, I was flabbergasted. First of all, I didn’t realize they’d
been hanging out. Secondly, she’s libidinous, into the slash
fanfic, and bisexual; he’s repressed, Catholic, and actually told
me while we were dating that he thought Jane was slutty.

Anyway, I immediately said that of course it didn’t make any
difference to me, and then I thought of Eleanor and went, oh, shit.
Tim, being fully aware of the history between Jane and Eleanor, and
of Eleanor’s feelings for him, asked Jane out. None of our friends
group of eight or nine people (we all go out for dinner every week
after rehearsal) had any idea that he and Jane were spending time
together, and he hasn’t told anyone since. I don’t know if he’s
even planning on broaching the subject with Eleanor. He may be
understandably chickenshit, because she is going to be pissed,
not to mention hurt, and since they are two of the mainstays of our
social group, it’s going to be incredibly awkward all around.

So that’s the drama, Sars. You may have noticed that I appear only
peripherally in it. Here’s how it’s my problem: I’m absolutely
furious, way more than I think I ought to be. I mean, he’s allowed
to date who he wants, right? He and Eleanor weren’t dating, and he
can’t help it if she’s got a crush on him. And if he and Jane are
in love (he’s really big on love), then, well, amor vincit omnia,
the course of true love, follow your heart, et cetera. But I’m really
angry. He’s going to hurt Eleanor; he’s been kind of underhanded
about it; and I honestly doubt that he and Jane are in the grip of
all-consuming holy passion.

At the same time I kind of feel glad
that he’s in the process of proving to our friends how much of a
jerk he can be; it’s almost like, at this point, I’m going to feel
personally insulted if there’s no negative reaction from the group,
or if Eleanor forgives him. Basically, I don’t know how much of my
anger is righteous indignation on behalf of my friend, and how much
is me wanting an excuse to punish Tim.

So help me. As a sane
person, what do you think I have the right to be angry at Tim for?
What are my responsibilities towards Eleanor? Should I tell her?
And if I’m totally off my rocker and this is really None Of My
Business, how do I stop feeling so goddamned angry? Help, I don’t
know how long I have before the shit hits the fan all by itself.

Sincerely,
Fighting My Inner Drama Queen