The Vine: January 19, 2011
This is not REALLY a cat-peeing-outside-the-box question, it’s more of a theoretical question based on that circumstance.
The backstory: I gave my boyfriend a kitten 4 1/2 years ago, it was cute and squeaky and my sister found it in a dumpster at work (the kitten could not have been more than 6 weeks old at that point). I had previously given BF a kitten who worked out well and needed a friend. However, dumpster kitty has proven to be THE most difficult pet I’ve ever partially owned.
BF and I moved in together about a year after Dumpster came and ever since then (more than three years) she’s has been peeing on everything I own, including me when I’ve been asleep in bed multiple times. She’s ruined thousands upon thousands of dollars of purses, purse content, shoes, coats, furniture, bedspreads, entire baskets of laundry, mail, papers, magazines. All of which BF has more or less replaced for me without too much complaint. During that time he’s also spent upwards of 4-5K trying to FIX her issues, and Sars, he has literally tried EVERYTHING. Prozac, kitty whisperers, every single medical test known to the endless number of different vets we’ve seen, we’ve tried new litters, we have multiple boxes and scoop multiple times a day, we’ve tried cat hormones that are supposed be calming and on and on and on…but nothing is working. We tried making her an outside cat after a particular nasty bout of peeing on our bed that resulted in a new mattress, but that was a disaster because it turns out Dumpster is allergic to both fleas and flea medicines and must be kept indoors or she will scratch herself raw.
Since we’ve had to keep her indoors the peeing has resumed and it doesn’t matter which room we keep her in (we were keeping her in our dining-room area, locked out of our bedroom and away from all textiles, and she promptly peed on the dining room table). I should mention our other cat is perfectly happy and friendly with no pee issues. I grew up with cats and never had any problems with them. From what we can tell Dumpster’s issues are just based on territoriality and an extreme aversion to even slight changes in her environment (for example, me setting down my coat or the mail on the table). She almost never pees on anything BF owns unless it just happens to be close to something of mine she’s after.
Long story short, I’m not looking for new solutions, even if I haven’t listed it we’ve tried everything we possibly can (we have an entire shelf in our pantry devoted to cat pee removal sprays that don’t work). I just want to know, because I feel wildly guilty, if there’s ever a point at which it’s okay to say “this animal is not working out for us, we need to find her a new home”? Because honestly, I can’t handle it anymore, it’s making me a nervous wreck and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home to not disturb the cat. I would like to be able to come home and set my purse down without coming back to find everything ruined 5 seconds later. Though I feel badly giving up on what we feel is a member of our family I don’t think I can continue to live like this anymore and I feel like we’ve done our due diligence being proactive in trying to seek out solutions for her and nothing we’ve done has helped.
Our last vet gave up on us a couple weeks ago saying “she really can’t be an outside cat, but it’s also really clear she can’t be an inside cat either”; my BF is devastated but has admitted he’s willing to give her away if it means us keeping our relationship, because I’m ready to move out after three years of this. I know your policies on never abandoning an animal that depends on you and I’ve reminded myself of that many, many times throughout the past couple years, but I want to know if there’s ever an end to that if there are extreme extenuating circumstances?
Cat pee ruins everything
Dear Ruin,
My near-zero-tolerance policy on abandoning a companion animal proceeds from long and depressing firsthand experience with the selfish horseshit reasons people come up with for ditching their pets. Mabel’s previous “human” had a four-day business trip planned, but dropped her off at a kill shelter instead of hiring a cat-sitter (…RIGHT?!), and I can tell you ten variations on that unacceptable story just off the top of my head.
But there’s a difference between abandoning an animal because she’s inconvenient — or expensive, or a little louder or pointier than you thought — and trying to re-home an animal whose unhappiness is destructive, when you’ve already tried everything you can to create a happy environment for her. I mean, leaving aside that she’s making the humans miserable, you because you functionally have to live in a Tupperware container in order to ward off the peeing, BF because he’s in the middle of the two of you? A cat who pees on everything all the time is, as you well know by now, either ill or profoundly pissed off, and it sounds like Dumpster is the latter. She’s not happy, and finding another environment for her that’s better suited to her territory issues is probably best for her, as well as for you guys.
Cats have personalities and preferences too, and some of them really can’t abide staying inside all the time, or sharing their living space with other animals (or other females, or whatever). Finding Dumpster a new place to live, a flea- and you-free environment in which she’s the only pet, is the best thing for her and for you. Now, actually pulling off that kind of placement is sometimes tough, but if you’d like to let us know in the comments where you live, maybe the readers can suggest local organizations. Definitely Google for forums or blogs about troubled pets, foster organizations in your area, and so on; at least you’ll get some ideas on where to start looking for a new home for her.
And good luck. I know you feel like crap about it, and if you’d written in wanting to street her because she clawed your futon a couple of times, I’d throw a foot up your ass, but that’s not the case here. Try to focus on doing your best for the cat.
Hi Sars,
I have a wedding question I’m hoping you and the readers can help me with. I’m getting married in July, and want to include my brother in my wedding party. My fiancé wants to include his niece, with whom he is very close.
I also have a stepsister and a stepbrother with whom I am not close at all. They live in another state (along with my brother, who’s in college). I asked my stepsister if she wanted to be in the wedding party and she said that she’ll do whatever I want; my stepbrother is very easygoing and I don’t think he cares whether he’s involved or not.
My question is: how much of an asshole am I if I don’t include her? Do you have any suggestions for something else she could do that would be special? She bakes really pretty cakes, but I’m not sure how that would work if she’s coming from out of town — maybe she could make it in my kitchen the day before? Or is that way too complicated?
Trying not to offend
Dear Trying,
It depends on how elaborate a wedding you have planned; the more traditional the service, the more options the bride and groom might have for letting family members participate outside of the wedding party proper. Could you have your stepsibs each do a reading? Hand out programs? Certainly the cake is one idea, although it’s my impression that the average wedding cake is not a night-before undertaking — and you say that your stepbrother probably doesn’t care if he’s included, but your stepparent might, so if you make one stepsibling a part of things, you should make sure the other has something to do as well.
The only issue I really see is that you’ve already mentioned the wedding party to your stepsister, so not making her a bridesmaid when you’ve already asked her about it might seem a little weird unless the wedding party is quite small. On the other hand, she did say that you should do whatever, so: do whatever. Creating spaces for them both to take part in the ceremony seems like your best bet.
Tags: cats etiquette the fam
@Trying, Maybe your stepsister could bake take-home favors like sugar cookies decorated with your names and the date of your wedding. They could be done a few days ahead of time and transported a lot easier than the cake, and would be a lot less stressful undertaking for a non-pro baker (wedding cake = super-stressful). Also, maybe she really means “whatever you want”. If you’re not close, she may really just not want to be anything more than a guest, and that is ok. If she doesn’t give you any more direction than that though, it is up to you to decide how much you want to include her. Same with stepbrother, if they aren’t close, there is a good chance they won’t be particularly offended if they don’t have a formal role to play.
Oh God, Ruin… I feel for you. I really, REALLY do. I’ve got a cat who isn’t nearly as bad as you described, but is a problem (down to the ruining mattresses and peeing ON a sleeping husband.) Eventually what made the problem manageable was moving. Yes. BUYING A HOME AND MOVING. Some cats ARE just mentally unwell (just like some people).
I wonder in these kinds of cases… is re-homing really a realistic option? I understand that it is terrible to have to consider euthanizing a pet for a behavioral issue, but I’m also not sure it’s right to make your problem pet someone ELSE’S problem pet, especially when there are so many other animals with far less destructive habits that ALSO need good homes. I feel terrible saying that, but… so many other nice homeless cats, you know? And even allowing for some hyperbole, this is an extreme case where EVERYBODY is miserable. Thoughts?
@Trying: A good job for stepsis would be to man the guestbook, making sure everyone signs as they come in. She can wear a dress that coordinates color-wise with the wedding party, but is not a bridesmaid dress.
For stepbro, especially if the wedding party is small, could he be an usher to take people to their seats after they’ve signed the guestbook? Or, if you are having dancing at the reception, assign him to dance at least once with all the single women (even old, great-aunt Harriet) so that they don’t feel left out.
@Adrienne:
It sounds like you moved your cat with you. Did that solve the problem? The cat adapted to the new home better than it had to the old home?
@Trying – I may be alone on this one, but I think handing your stepsister responsibility for your wedding cake, favors, or any other labor-intensive job has the heavy potential to be less “something special” and more “colossal pain in her ass.” Unless she has offered to make something for the wedding (or made it known that she’d be happy to be asked), I would not take that approach. If she’s not into that idea, you’d really be putting her on the spot.
As to whether you need to include her or your stepbrother at all, feh. Sars is right – it’s a little awkward now that you mentioned it to your stepsis, but not irreparably so. Go with what feels right. I have two stepsisters, neither of whom were in my wedding. I wasn’t in theirs, either, though they were each others’ maids of honor. It never occurred to me to be bent out of shape that I wasn’t in their weddings, and they seemed perfectly happy to attend mine as guests. We had a lot of fun together during the wedding weekend.
Ruin, I also have a bunch of adopted pets, some of whom have issues, and I feel for you too. I think re-homing is actually a viable solution here, but I would REALLY recommend working with a rescue group that has a large foster network during that process: other commenters are right that it’s really hard to rehome an animal with a big, undiagnosed issue, so a foster network will be really useful in helping you diagnose that issue. My sense is that Dumpster’s issue might well be with the other cat in your house, since that has been the situation with a couple of other anger-pee’ers I have come across, but the only way to test that is by fostering him in a place without cats. Maybe it’s the environment, maybe it’s one of you (sorry! cats are weirdos!), but the only way to know is to try her out in a different kind of space. You don’t want to conceal her issues, but you also don’t want to rehome her to a family that triggers her in the same way (and thus start a cycle of musical rehomings that may well end up with her getting dumped.) Cat rescues hear a lot of dumb reasons for getting rid of pets, but I think they will understand this situation, especially when you go over all the stuff you’ve done and why you think the solution is best found in a change in environment. I rehomed a dog once, because he had a massive cat-focused prey drive, I had cats, lots of time and money couldn’t ameliorate the problem, and there was no way I was taking him back to the shelter. I worked with a rescue group, we vetted a bunch of families, we found a great fit and now he is the world’s happiest dog and I get regular photo updates. Sometimes it really IS a change of scenery that’s necessary; you just want to do your best to make sure that this next home is her last.
@Ruin, I agree with Adrienne that it sounds like Dumpster won’t easily be re-homed (I think most people, even staunch cat lovers, would hesitate to take on such a challenge). Perhaps a no-kill shelter with an indoor feral cat colony area would be the ideal place for Dumpster? When I adopted my now-9-year-old cat from a no-kill shelter, the shelter (which was a converted home) had several rooms that were reserved for cats that were either unable to adjust to living in homes or had been rescued from feral colonies. These cats weren’t up for adoption–they were just living out their lives in a quite pleasant and clean indoor cat colony environment. Dumpster really sounds more like a feral cat than not, given her persistent problems, so maybe she’d actually prefer that type of life. (A *much* better alternative than euthanizing her!)
@Trying – I agree with Sars that it is worthwhile to ask your parent (and step-parent) what role they envision your step-siblings having in the wedding. It sounds odd, but weddings can trigger huge family meltdowns when mom/dad insists that all siblings must be included even if one sibling really doesn’t care that much. If you’re having a formal traditional wedding there are loads of ways to include family – have them do a reading, lead a prayer (if you do that), bring up the gifts (if you’re catholic and having a mass), hand out programs, make sure people sign the guestbook, help you make favors, help you make :::insert craft project here::: for the wedding.
And whatever you do – I’d also make sure you include them in the formal posed family portrait.
Adrienne, I was thinking the same thing: CAN that cat be re-homed? Who on earth is going to take her?
I have a friend who has a fairly bratty cat (thankfully doesn’t pee QUITE as much as this one, and also it’s really unfriendly to everyone) and she says that she thinks the cat would die if she got rid of it because it would be unwanted. Since the friend got engaged to a guy, and the cat hates the guy and vice versa, it does make me wonder what will happen there, or if it will go along the lines of this situation when they move in together.
My only thought here is to talk to the vet and/or the SPCA about the realistic odds of finding this cat a home.
@Ruin – A friend of mine had a cat with an extreme peeing problem, which was most definitely an anxiety issue, not physiological. After 4 years of trying to treat it with diet, therapy, special dedicated cat space, kitty Prozac, multiple litter boxes, extra attention time, new home, and finally re-homing, the decision was made by all involved to euthanise the cat.
I’m one of those people who strongly believes that when you bring an animal into your life, you accept their blerfing and sofa-scratching and other issues and learn to deal (which is why I’m dealing with an incontinent but otherwise healthy 17-year-old cat in my apartment…with nightly carpet cleaning); but I also kind of agree with Adrienne: if you’ve tried everything possible and the cat is still miserable, isn’t it sometimes simply kinder to euthanise?
Ruin, I feel your pain. I brought home a new kitty almost a year ago and everyone was ok except for one and since then she stalks and attacks the new cat and pees on stuff at the drop of a hat. I so wish I could find a solution. So good luck to you and I hope that your kitty can find a good home where she’s not so pissed off she feels the need to pee on everything.
@Liz: When I say wedding cake, I mean like a 6″-8″ cake (no tiers) surrounded by professionally-baked/delivered cupcakes. And she does make really pretty cakes. Still too stressful, do you think?
@Adrienne – I agree on some level. However, I think the issue here is Ruin herself, and not the kitty. I mean, not in a “Ruin isn’t trying hard enough” way, but rather in a “kitty hates Ruin with a moist, dripping passion” way. I *think* Ruin implied that kitty didn’t have the problem prior to her moving in, correct? If this is the case, a new environment has a big chance of solving the problem. It might require some trial and error (does kitty hate all women or just Ruin?), but it might work.
Ruin: I have a (human years) 80 year old cat w/ some bladder control problems. I looked into cat diapers (yes, on Amazon) and something called “piddle pants” (also on Amazon, about $30) which look like little snow pants for cats. The piddle pants are washable, so probably a more cost-effective solution. We’re trying other options (litter boxes on every level of the house) to keep Roo on his dignity, so I have no first-hand experience with them…but it sounds like the One Thing You Haven’t Tried yet. I feel your pain and admire your persistence! Best of luck, whatever you decide.
Ruin, please let us know (generally) where you are. I know exactly the no-kill foster people I’d send you to if you lived in my city (and they would be very hard to find just by Googling) so I bet there’s someone here who can help point you in the right direction.
CAN that cat be re-homed? Who on earth is going to take her?
If the issue is either Ruin or the other/another cat, that’s not a tough placement, relatively speaking. She just needs to be an only cat.
Trying, I think the “trying out a new, only cat environment” is the way to go here. Go to your shelter, fully explain the situation, and basically say the only thing you haven’t tried is the cat being an only cat and not around the two of you. If they can find a foster ready to take her on, or perhaps even a solo room at the shelter as an experiment, you’re golden, and you can find out if that is, indeed, the issue (the fact that she’s aiming for your stuff tells me she resents you and/or your cat.)
If that can’t be done, or you try that setup and fail, a secure colony might be the only option left. There are indoor colonies and outdoor ones (the outdoor ones tend to limit human interaction to feeding and neutering) but if Dumpster has her own space that she can mark off without too much stress, who knows? Some animals are just born free types.
@Rachel Oh yes! Cat moved with us, and he’s better. Not CURED, but better. But he also wasn’t a behavior problem on near this scale.
Ooops. My answer was to Ruin, not Trying. Unless Trying’s stepsibs have problems she didn’t mention in her letter!
@Sars: If Ruin herself is the issue (like the above said, sorry Ruin, some cats are jerks, I’m sure you are a lovely human) you’re right, re-homing destructo-kitty is completely an option. However, I would worry about how attached Dumpster is to the boyfriend. My problem child is overly and neurotically attached to me- to the point where he literally chewed and dug a hole in the carpet through to the subfloor under our closed bedroom door because he THOUGHT I MIGHT be in there. I’m not sure he’d EVER recover in a new home. It all depends on the cat, of course (my neurotic psycho is a pretty great cat when he’s not being UTTERLY EFFING STUPID INSANE.)
It drives you mad, though, when you’ve done everything and you just have NO IDEA what the problem could be. I STILL don’t know what sets mine off into his downward spiral of destruction and peeing. It’d be so much easier if you could just ask the cat…
Like Adrienne, my cat’s problem was solved with re-homing all of us. He had been perfect his whole life (with the exception of one vengeance poop next to his litterbox after a traumatic vet visit), until we moved in with my folks and their elderly incontinent cat. Then he went nuts and ruined three couches, and countless other things. And since I was pregnant at the time, my family (non-cat people) were pressuring me to get rid of Puck. Even my husband brought it up once that he might be happier elsewhere. I promptly threw a pregnant lady hissyfit. Prozac, Feliways, Nature’s Miracle, nothing stopped the peeing (and medical causes were ruled out). We’ve since moved, and he has not had a single incident since we left that house. Not even on the three day drive to get us to our new place.
But! Since this is the home Dumpster has always known, it might not work. Plus we were moving anyway, I’m not sure how it would have played out if Puck had been peeing it up in our forever home. I know moving is a pretty big step for a solution that only might work. On the flip, Dumpster might see Ruin as a part of the new place, and therefore not out of the ordinary and needing to be marked.
@Ruin: I have a pee-er (medical issues), and I sympathize greatly. My Little Green Machine gets a constant workout!
If Dumpster is harassing you and your stuff specifically, have you ever tried working to get into her better graces? Take over being her exclusive food-supplier, play with her favorite toy, dispense her favorite treats, try to snuggle in some way she likes, talk to her constantly. Maybe that will make her more comfortable with you. If you do decide to place her somewhere else, it might help make the meantime better.
I know someone who used cat diapers for a Manx cat with bowel control issues, and they do work. Although I have to wonder–won’t the cat be just as cranky being wrapped in a diaper? At least she wouldn’t be able to pee on you, though.
@Jen S 1.0: For a while, my dad’s cat was peeing in my stepsister’s room at every opportunity, but stepsis didn’t take up that habit as far as I know. That…would certainly add a new dimension to the wedding planning.
@trying. If I had step siblings I wasn’t all that close to, and they tried to rope me into working at their wedding rather than enjoying it as a guest I’d be annoyed not pleased.
To me, someone helping out at your wedding – manning the guest book, being an usher etc is work they do for you to help you on your big day. Not something you reward them with.
So, unless they are offering to help you on their own, I would just leave them be.
Trying: Whatever you find for your stepsis (and maybe -bro) to do, I don’t think it should be “something for free that normally brides pay for,” e.g. baking a cake, taking photos, etc.–unless of course she offers this of her own free will. I know you weren’t suggesting the cake to get something for free but were honestly trying to find something she does well/likes to do, but weddings are funny that way–she, or others, could take something the wrong way, and you don’t want to give any impression you were using her to save money, no matter how far from your intentions that is.
Depending on the structure of your wedding ceremony, there may be some role she can fill–as Sars mentioned, maybe readings? A friend with whom I had an on-again, off-again relationship (we were trying to find our way back to on-again when she got married) put me in charge of her guest book–now, this is something horrifying for an introvert like me, but I took it as the olive branch/inclusive gesture it was, and it wasn’t that bad really. If your stepsis is extroverted, maybe that would be a good suggestion–or cutting the cake if the caterers aren’t doing that–or something along those lines.
I do cosign those who suggest feeling out the parents of the step-siblings if that seems appropriate for your family dynamic.
Hi all!
Thank you for all of the commiseration,I think that’s what I really needed. I was feeling like a bad toad…I’m not a dramatic ultimatums kind of girl and needed a little absolvement for feeling fed up.
First to answer a couple of the questions I’ve seen:
We have moved since we started living together and it actually made things measurably worse. She cannot stand change be it moving or the mail being delivered. Also, I partially agree that the problem is *me*. She does prefer my bf, but shes not totally repelled by me either. She’s sitting beside me right now giving me the occasional headbutt. She’s actually a very sweet kitty other than the peeing, not at all aggressive, likes to be held and snuggled and will have a whole chat with you if you meow back. We tried me being the good cop for awhile and it didn’t change anything. We have in fact tried the kitty diapers too. It was sort of a squishy nightmare. Euthanasia was suggested by one of our vets and bf will not hear of it for a behavioral issue.
Now for an update and to answer the re-homing questions:
She is not a reasonably adoptable pet from what we’ve heard from 2 dozen or so shelters in the Los Angeles area. On top of her behavioral issues she’s a black cat, either of which alone would make it near impossible to find her a new home (according to the shelters we spoke with). We have found one shelter though that is willing to take her if we donate $2500 for lifetime care.
However, the problem is if we give her to them and she has health issues they will put her down. Since writing the letter kitty has developed some kind of self-mutilating compulsion to lick the pads on her paw raw, which became infected and many vet bills later, as well as a month of being kept sedated in a cone of shame we cannot get her to stop licking her paw and tracking little bloody footprints around the house. So we’re sort of stuck in limbo with the re-homing. If Dumpster were a teenage girl she’d be a cutter. Not sure what we’re going to do at this point if we can’t get her healthy but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
If anyone has any suggestions for no-kill shelters providing lifetime care or colonies in the Los Angeles area I would be grateful. Thanks Tomato Nation and Sars!
Trying – do you actively want one of your stepsister’s pretty cakes to reign over your cupcake swarm? If so, I’d go ahead and ask her for the cake, and be ready to help with any logistical hurdles.
Do you have reason to believe she’ll feel snubbed if you don’t ask her to do something for your wedding? If so, I’d ask for the cake, or a reading, or whatever else dovetails with existing plans.
But if the answer to both of those questions is “no,” I’d invite her as a guest and move on to worrying about centerpieces.
Ruin – I have a large male cat who is quite fond of whizzing where he shouldn’t. I contacted an animal kinesiologist and she prescribed a combination of essences to give to him which have worked a treat. I know that you’ve been to kitty whisperers, but I’m just wondering if you had tried kinesiology as it sorts out behavioural problems – from stress from moving, new cats, territorial problems and jealously etc. Good luck!
I should also add that the cat lives with three other cats and two dogs…so a solution really was needed fast!
@Ruin
… This might involve a considerable road trip, but … perhaps if you told your kitty’s story to the fine people at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary [or Society]?
http://www.bestfriends.org/
It is in Utah. I did a bit of poking around their website; here’s some copy that sounds especially relevant:
———-
Q: Where do [the animals] come from?
A: The animals come from all over the country, and sometimes beyond – mostly from shelters that don’t have the resources to rehabilitate them and where they would otherwise be destroyed. In exchange, many of these shelters take back animals that are ready to be placed in good homes.
———-
Of course, you are an individual and not a shelter … (and I SO TOTALLY AM NOT the whole “trade in a pet for an UPGRADE” zomg! person, because: obviously, not) … but … perhaps you could agree to take in a kitty in return? One they know has no behavioral issues, and is ready to be re-homed?
Then again, I have no idea if they work with individuals or if they’re connected to shelters only.
Ruin – I really feel for you. It sounds like it is territorial – maybe because you are female she is doing this. I wonder if some of her issues stem from her being a dumpster cat.
I definitely would not give her to the shelter asking for money. It sounds like they would be quick to kill her if she had any issues.
Sars – Your response really made me a little emotional. Four months ago my husband (now ex, soon to be divorced) called animal control on my cats and had them signed over to be killed while I was at work. 3 perfectly good and healthy cats. And they were taken and killed. I am still stunned and quite honestly am having difficulty processing it. How someone can just take their pets to be killed I have no idea. How a “shelter” can just kill a cat without even trying to find them a home I have no idea. (I searched shelters for them only to find out that they were killed the day they were taken. “Oh yeah, we had 3 cats dropped off that day. They were killed.” Like it is just an afterthought. WTF?!) Wish I knew what to do. There’s nothing I can do with this anger. God I wish I knew what to do to make any of this better.
Ruin: You have my sympathy with the kitty issues; that’s a tough one. I know you mentioned having tried kitty Prozac and that the vets have checked her for everything, but two things jump to mind. First, that meds like Prozac need monitoring and adjusting in kitties just like people, so maybe a different Rx or dosage might help while you check into re-homing options. Second, I’ve heard good things about Chinese herbs for kitty issues, although I have not tried it myself. It’s kind of a Hail Mary at this point, but again, if you can find a vet who does holistic approaches it might be worth trying. If nothing else maybe it will get her calm enough to make her a good candidate for adoption.
Finally, I know it feels like crap, but it does seem as though you’ve done your absolute best for Dumpster. I agree with Sars that Dumpster may be happier elsewhere too, and that’s not your fault. Good luck to you on finding a happy resolution.
@Ruin, when I wrote in about our pee-ing cat, someone suggested a big dog crate or one of those multi-level cages that you sometimes see with multiple kittens. Litter box, food and cat bed all in one place, and only let her out for supervised time? Maybe it could work as a temporary solution while you look for a long-term solution?
Trying, Once I “hostessed” a friends wedding. ( I haven’t heard the term since, maybe they made it up…) I got a corsage, was in some formal pictures & encouraged people to sign the guest book. So, I go to feel special, but was not in the wedding party. ( think flowers & picture) Wow, that was about 20 years ago…. Good luck.
@ Courtney, Dear God, I’m so sorry. take good care of yourself.
Ruin, good for you to be willing to go to so much trouble for this difficult cat. As many others have pointed out, a lot of people would have a pet destroyed for far less troublesome behaviour.
I was totally in the ‘will ANYBODY be able to take on this cat/wouldn’t euthansia be more realistic’ camp when I first read your letter, so it’s great to hear about the various no-kill shelters where cats like yours might be able to end their days in peace.
Apropos of this, we’re probably moving across the world at some point soon, and although we haven’t told many people yet, a couple of people have already asked me whether we will ‘bother’ to take our four year old totally awesome and beloved dog. And I was all “Oh my GOD, people! I’d sooner leave my husband behind!”
Hi, @Trying. I’m an amateur cake-maker myself, and I love making cakes for friends and family, and I love being asked to do it. HOWEVER, if your stepsis has a long way to travel to the wedding, it can be really hard to transport a cake. I’ve never brought a cake more than about two hours by car, although it’s certainly possible to take one on a longer drive.
But asking her to make a cake not in her own kitchen, where she’s not familiar with the mixer’s quirks or whether the oven runs high or low, and where she’s (invariably) going to forget some ingredient or tool she needs? I can’t imagine something more stressful than making and decorating a cake in someone else’s kitchen, really. That sounds just horrible to me, even if that person WEREN’T putting on a wedding dress and doing their hair and collecting their flowers and whatnot. And having to pack all the tools, especially for a plane ride? *shudder*
I have told people I love I can’t do a cake for them because of those circumstances; please don’t put her in a situation of feeling like she’s disappointing you. Also, as someone with confusing sibling ties, I think a reading or guestbook duty is the perfect thing that would make me feel included without undue stress and the obligations of being a bridesmaid. (I have no problem speaking in front of a crowd though; double-check that before asking.)
You’re doing a great job already by wanting to be as kind as possible to your stepsibs. Don’t let all the second-guessing drive YOU crazy, either. And congratulations on your wedding!
Ruin –
Also a bit of a hike, but if you do decide to surrender Dumpster, I recommend the Nine Lives Foundation in Redwood City. They deal with cats that no one else can handle.
@Courtney – I am so sorry for your loss.
Ruin–I’m no help with suggestions for shelters, but I do have experience with a cat licking their paws/back raw. It may be that she has developed an allergy to something, constant licking is a symptom. I have a cat who started doing that and putting her on a low dose of Prednisone helped a lot. Good luck, you are really trying to do right by Dumpster.
@Sarah: That was probably me, and that giant, multi-level cat crate is what kept me from losing my mind BEFORE we bought a house and moved. That would be a viable answer for Dumpster, as that would be HER place alone and while she would be confined (not optimal, obvs) she would be WITH the family AND safe AND no peeing on things… so worth a try, I’d think?
@Courtney – as a recent divorcee myself, I know all too well the anger you speak of. Also, since you say your ex had your cats killed while you were at work, it leads me to wonder what kind of things he was doing to *you*. This is a cliched and horrible thing, but also true: in time the feelings will pass. They will pass quicker and easier if you allow yourself to feel them, and accept that they are natural, justified, and a perfectly appropriate response to what you have been through. Get yourself a good therapist, because you have a lot of baggage to process. I’m someone who typically doesn’t benefit much from individual therapy, but my therapist has been *priceless* since my divorce. Good luck.
Sorry for the threadjack, I will insert some relevant content.
Ruin, your comment that if your kitty was a teen she’d be a cutter really struck a chord with me. Kitties, like people, have their personalities. Some teens are sensitive, maybe have a difficult background (like Dumpster), and end up cutting. My sister’s cat is severely neurotic, though fortunately he doesn’t pee all over. He does act like I’m going to throw him to the wolves when I’m just evicting him from my room, though.
I hope you find just what Dumpster needs. She sounds like a kitty with a serious mental health condition.
@Ruin: I have always had dogs, but this might be of use: I had a dog who would lick and bite raw at places where she had been bitten by a flea. Turns out she was allergic to flea saliva. Prednisone helped enormously (would interrupt the licking behavior long enough for the wound to heal naturally). So I agree with K’s suggestion about an allergic reaction. Is there any chance Dumpster walked onto something that irritated her paw/s?
@Courtney: I’m so sorry. I got one of my current dogs from a rescue organization, and I learned that she had been taken to a kill shelter by one spouse of a divorcing couple, before the rescue organization took her from the shelter. I wish there had been a rescue organization that could have gotten to your cats in time. I’m so so sorry.
Courtney that’s a truly awful situation. So sorry to hear it!
Trying, if you’re looking for a way to include your stepsiblings and can’t find official roles for them, you could just try giving them a bit of VIP treatment at the wedding itself. It doesn’t even have to be specific. If you and the groom (in the midst of all of the chaos) take time to make sure they’re having fun or get seated at a good table, it will go a long way. Or you can just say, “hey, come dance with us!”
Really, it’s sometimes just important to show that you’re glad they came.
Courtney, OMG! That’s awful; I am so, so sorry for your loss.
@Ruin – I did think for a minute that Dumpster could be re-homed, since it really seems you’re the issue; however, the comment you made about her not liking change would make me concerned that someone might take her, run into the same issues, and not be as patient and kind hearted as you.
I am positive you can find some sort of animal refuge… there is one in Central Florida, and I am pretty sure you can find one closer. Kudos to you for sticking it out this long.
FWIW, my two cats will use their two lovely and spacious litter boxes if they MUST, but MUCH prefer the $8,000 leather sofa. We’ve given up, written it off and sit on pillows on the floor.
@Courtney: That is horrific. I am so sorry.
@Ruin, see Suzanne’s mention of Best Friends (Kanab, UT), above. Obviously they’re not a catchall for every surrendered pet in the world, but IIRC, they have an “Incontinental Suite” (heh!) for cats who express themselves urethrally.
Trying — please don’t hand your stepsister work-duties, especially anything like baking! Baking is hard work and a lot of stress if it goes wrong. I would be really peeved if I were put in that position.
Ask her to do something that is an honor but won’t interfere with her enjoyment of the wedding. A reading is nice.
Courtney: I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what I would do if someone did that to my kitties. I just made a donation to my local rescue group (FOCAS, in San Diego) in their honor. Sometimes I forget how much I owe them for saving my two from the shelter.
@Ruin, We have a very sweet kitty who pees in a specific corner, no matter what we do (and yes, even if there’s a litter box there, she will pee in any manor to get pee on that part of the floor, no one can figure it out). She also pees on things if they are left on the ground. Our “solution” if you can call it that was to completely seal that corner of the floor so that the pee doesn’t do any lasting damage and we just mop it a lot. It’s not ideal but it works for us. She also seems to be doing it less now that we don’t make a huge deal out of it. We also absolutely do not put anything on any floor ever. She is also banned from our bedroom. It seems to be “working” or as best as we can call it, in that at least it’s not destroying anything anymore.
The thing that caused me to comment is that she also has a “tic” that goes like this… she sees her tail… she thinks it is something chasing her. She runs howling away from the evil thing. She decides to fight, turns around and TACKLES it. She bites and claws and screams at it. Eventually she stops, and walks around wagging it. Which in turn leaves blood sprays on the walls. She’s broken the tip fully and it is only attached by skin at this point. I took her to the vet who wanted to put her on Prozac but I wasn’t keen on that. What we do now is any time we see her get that crazed look we pick her up, and hold her, and calmly tell her that “it’s your tail, it’s part of you” and I grab it and put it in her face. For some reason this has helped.
Basically what I’m saying is, can you try to distract her when she gets into her licking fits? Is there a special treat you could give that would draw the attention away? A toy she really likes? (Laser pointers have also been effective in getting our kitty to stop eating her tail.)
Courtney,
I am so sorry.
You didn’t say whether you had already done so, but you really should report your ex’s horrifying act to the police. It was an actual crime, Courtney. You also want to make a police report because a man who would do that would do worse to a woman, especially a woman who is leaving him. Protect yourself and make a report. Also, you should talk to a local women’s shelter because they will have some resources that can help a woman who is in your situation. Finally, unless you are being compensated for this monstrous act in the divorce proceedings, you may want to sue him in a civil action, not only for the trespass to your personal property (cats are property), but also for intentional infliction of emotional distress. If there is a law school around, or a legal aid organization, check them out (the women’s shelter could help you find a lawyer, too). Shoot, any cat-owning lawyer would represent you for FREE.
Change your locks and stay SAFE.