The Vine: January 2, 2004
To the one and only Sars —My problem is simple. I wrote a lot in high school, mostly “my poor little
teenage heart is broke” poetry that makes most people ill. Hell, it makes me ill
reading it. However, on a few occasions I wrote something worth the space
it’ll take up in other people’s heads, mostly short stories.
Then something
changed. About six months out of high school, the three AM train from my brain to
my pen just ran out of steam. Let me point something out: I’ve written my
entire life. I’ve been a bookworm in the worst way since The Cat in the Hat so
the transition was inevitable. I’ve never really wrote for anyone but myself,
I’ve had bits and pieces published in high school but nothing worth
mentioning. I wrote to feel in control of something, to relieve stress, to forget
about a problem or just because I felt like it. It was my drug of choice, so to
speak.
Now I’m in withdrawal. It’s been nearly four years without anything
substantial, and by that I mean anything worth the price of the ink in the cheap
Bic pen. Literally nothing. No broken-heart poetry, no stories without a
character named Zeke, no essays on what is wrong with the porn on Cinemax, no bawdy
limericks, not a damn word. Even my college papers have lacked that vibe of
mine that I miss so much. Sure, there have been big events in my life that
have altered me a bit; around the time of my loss, I had a bout of unrequited
love that bowled me over flat. I was crushed into bits and it took all the
king’s shirtless, muscled men to put me back together again. Still, after the
scars faded, nothing. I went to college, took the time needed to adjust, still
nothing.
I’ve tried every cure I can find. I started writing hardcore porn
just because someone said it would help. I read through all my old babblings,
and after leafing through 268 notebooks, a mountain and a half of loose papers,
16 disks of Microsoft Word, 28 journals, and around a hundred napkins, backs of
receipts, and envelopes (yes, I counted), I only wanted to jab the pen in my eyes
so I couldn’t see the vibe I’d lost. I’m not planning a career around writing
or anything of the sort; I just want back the part of me that is missing. I’m
desperate and lost.
Missing my mojo and have misplaced my time machine
Dear Missing,
One of the most common misconceptions about writing, at least that I’ve seen, is that it’s like lightning — that it just strikes. Not that that doesn’t happen from time to time, but as you get older, more life stuff tends to get in the way; it becomes less about waiting for inspiration, and more about forcing yourself to produce whether you feel “a vibe” or not.
Maybe that part of you is satisfied in another way, by something else, academics or friendships or a favorite activity, and you don’t have that need to write any more. Maybe that need is just dormant right now, and it’ll come back at some point. Or maybe you just need to make that transition in how you think of writing — to deromanticize it in your own mind a little bit and think about why you value it so much if you don’t plan to make a career out of it.
Try to think of it as a change instead of a loss.
Sars,Right-o. I don’t know where else to turn, so here’s the problem. My best
friend recently decided that he was a drag-queen gay man, and has switched
his wardrobe from baggy Abercrombie cargos and t-shirts to ultra-tight
women’s stuff from DSquared (and has maxed out his credit card in the
process).
He looks like shit.
Here’s the question: How do I tell him that he looks like shit WITHOUT
inflaming his hyper-sensitive “insult” nodes?
Yes, I am a fashion queen
Dear Queen,
You don’t. It’s mean. I know you want to save him from himself or whatever, but he’s going to get insulted and it’s not constructive, really, so skip it. Well, unless you feel it’s more important that he Know The Truth than to spare his feelings, in which case, just tell him he looks like shit.
But if you don’t want to piss him off, your only recourse is to compliment his gear effusively when he’s not in drag mode — make a big deal of how great he looks in, um, not the ultra-tight women’s stuff.
He might get tired of that look on his own; I’d just leave him be for now.
Hi Sars,This isn’t an actual problem, more of an “I’m curious what your opinion is on this.” Truth be told, this is more of a potential scenario, and when it becomes an actual scenario I’ll probably work out my own solution, but I’m open to input.
It DOES concern guys, but not the way you think. It concerns my mother’s reaction to those guys — namely, my mother’s reaction to the fact that I have a sex life. For the most part her reaction is “I just won’t go there” — Mom is sort of conservative about sexual morals on principle, but she knows that I have had sex and has decided that it is my business, and so she just won’t think about it. So she’s not wringing her hands that I’m not going to wear white at my wedding, or glaring at my boyfriends for corrupting my morals or anything. (In fact, she’s always been real sweet to the boyfriends in the past.)
There is one place, though, where she has spoken up; on occasion, in the past, I and a significant other have gone to visit my folks, and she has taken me aside and said that what I did anywhere else was my deal, but in her house, she really would feel more comfortable if Dude and I slept in separate rooms while we visited.
This has actually only been a factor with two dudes in my life, one of whom was someone I was living with when I was in my early twenties, and we went along with it because yeah, I could see where she would think I was kind of young, and because the Dude was a little intimidated by my parents and wanted to get on their good side. The second time, the Dude in question and I were guests at my friend’s wedding, and we were staying at my parents’ house while they were out of town. Mom did fix up two rooms for us, but — sorry, Mom — we only used the one. So that was a non-issue. That was several years ago, and either I’ve been single or I’ve dated guys that never went for a visit home with me.
Enter current Dude. It is entirely possible, in fact I’d like for it to happen, that at some point Dude and I visit the folks. And, because this topic hasn’t been broached in nearly six years now, I don’t know if Mom still feels the same way about the separate-rooms issue. She still may.
Now, on the one hand, I do understand and respect her position about premarital sex. And I’m very grateful that she has always confined her deal to “it’s your life, but when it’s in my house, I’d be a lot happier if you didn’t do this.” And I do totally believe and respect that it’s her right — because, well, it IS her house, and a person can and SHOULD indeed lay the ground rules for what happens in their own house, and it’s the guests’ job to stick to them.
On the other hand — I am a grown woman. Before, I was in my twenties, and I can even understand Mom feeling a little hinky about the fact that I have a sex life when I’m in my twenties. Now I’m in my thirties, though, and have proven to be more than capable in handling personal affairs of this nature for ten years now. It ain’t wild drunken monkey sex in the ‘rents’ basement I’d be doing, either, it is me and someone signficant and important to me visiting my parents.
Truth be told, this would be more of a mild annoyance rather than a big issue if Mom insisted on it if I went to visit. A couple friends of mine got similar requests from their parents, though, and one took it less well — he said that he put his foot down and told his mother, “Look, I respect your wishes, but this IS something that is part of my life, so if you’d still rather we not use the same room when we visit, we’ll just get a motel, thanks.” His mom relented, and that was that. So that is a tactic I could try — if I wanted to. On the other hand, sleeping in a separate room from my Dude for a couple nights isn’t going to kill me, either, and I’m thinking this is one of those occasions when I should just suck it up for family harmony.
So I ask you — sticking with this rule of my mom’s. Is it in fact, as I believe, sucking it up for family harmony, or is it allowing my mother to treat me like a child? I’m inclined to think the former, but I’m curious to hear your thoughts.
For the record — my dad has always been cool with whatever happens so long as the guy isn’t an ax murderer.
Signed,
Unable to Think Of A Clever Pseudonym
Dear Clever,
I think it’s both. Yes, it’s a family harmony issue, but if the only way to achieve that harmony is to let your mother treat you like a child, because it seems easier…meh. I’d pick the latter and tell your mom, look, it’s your house and your rules, and I respect that, but I also respect my own adult relationship, so if you really can’t cope with it, we’ll stay in a hotel for our visit.
I mean, when do you get to sleep in the same room? When you get married? There’s obeying the house rules, and then there’s letting your mom think of you as a teenager still.
What do you think the proper reaction should be when you’re having a
conversation with someone, by phone or in person, and smack-dab in the
middle of one of your sentences the other person lets out a huge, loud
yawn? I’m talking about a yawn that they make no attempt to stifle
whatsoever, and that is not followed by any sort of “‘scuse me.” Allow
me to refer to a specific incident in order to provide more details.We’ll call the yawner “Yawn-i.” I’ve never met Yawn-i. Also, I didn’t
call Yawn-i, Yawn-i called me, and was asking me to do some design work
for him for…um…free! I’m not saying this happens to me all the
time or anything, but it just did and it seriously bugged. And I was
caught off guard, so I didn’t say anything about it.
Signed,
Raaaaah-eeeeeoooow-aaaah…zzz
Dear Snkkhh…whuh?,
I’d go with a very dry “oh, I’m sorry — am I keeping you up?” I’d also go with not helping that dude out for free. Yawning on a business call is really bad form.
Dear Sars,I need advice on how to “break up” with a friend.
About five years ago, a very close friend moved interstate and began a
relationship with a woman to whom he is now married. When I first met her I
disliked her intensely. I persevered for the sake of preserving my friendship
with her partner, and over time, as we both matured, a friendship developed.
She and I are close in age, and have been drawn closer together by life
events; we planned weddings around the same time, bought houses around the
same time, et cetera. We’ve corresponded increasingly regularly, and she’s an
interesting, intelligent companion. But it’s important to emphasise that our
bond has been formed largely by these parallel life experiences rather than
any intrinsic compatibility. Some of the things which I initially disliked
about her still persist: quite apart from her poor anger management skills (on
which she’s been working, with some success), our value systems and moral
standpoints are essentially very different.
I think part of what has kept the friendship glued together is that she’s a
victim type — everything’s always harder for her than anyone else — and I’m a
mother hen type, always springing to the rescue. I should also mention that
over the years she and her husband have lost most of the social circle with
which they started, which they attribute to their shift towards domesticity.
My husband and I are therefore important to them, much more so since her
pregnancy and recent childbirth.
Anyway, recently I spent a week with them, and I’ve come away from that
feeling that I don’t want to continue the friendship on its current basis. I
understand that young children put a strain on anyone’s temper, but I was
taken aback by the negativity which characterised both their marriage and her
interactions with the world. I’m not seeking validation of my decision to
move away from her, so I won’t give you an exhaustive list of complaints.
Briefly, though, she is contemptuous of her husband, critical of everybody she
knows, dissatisfied with her (extremely privileged) lot, and has a sense of
entitlement that leaves me speechless. Whilst I’m sure this comes largely from
insecurity rather than deliberate malice, it’s not something I enjoy being
exposed to. I either have to bite my tongue or get into arguments with her
constantly, and that’s not my idea of a healthy or constructive friendship.
Now, the question is, do I tell her that I no longer want to continue a close
friendship, or do I simply detach? She’s not an evil person, and I’m not
trying to seek closure, or validate myself — nor do I think that writing her a
long explanation will make her think, “Oh, golly, she’s right, I must Mend My
Ways.” So a letter would just be a vehicle for self-justification on my part,
and cause unnecessary hurt, right?
Normally I’d just detach, because really this isn’t a big deal and I don’t
want to make it into one, especially since she lives interstate and there’s
little potential for social awkwardness. It’s not like I’m refusing to ever
talk to her again, I just want to minimise interaction.
However, I’ve read so many letters to The Vine and elsewhere by people who are
confused and hurt because their friends have done just that — detached, with
no explanation and a bunch of half-hearted excuses to get off the phone or
cancel arrangements — and I wonder whether that option isn’t actually more
cowardly and hurtful.
Basically, I need someone else to tell me which is the better way to handle
this. Is a confrontation an unnecessary way to justify my own stance without
being constructive? Or is a simple detachment actually more cowardly and I
owe it to her to give an explanation? And if so, how do I do so without
hurting her and alienating her husband, still one of my oldest and closest
friends? Is there a third option I’m missing?
Still Trying To Please
Dear Please,
It might seem “cowardly” just to detach without an explanation, but the alternative in these cases is not really less hurtful. I mean, yes, people do feel confused and hurt by that kind of distancing — because the friendship is over. It’s more that they don’t know why than that they don’t know what’s happening, and really, what does brutal honesty accomplish there that minimizing contact? “You’ve gotten a bit boring, frankly, so let’s just not”? To misquote the esteemed Toni Pavone, sometimes honesty isn’t as important as kindness.
Add to that the fact that she’s married to a close friend of yours, and I think it’s clear that gently disengaging is your best option here — a confrontation is definitely going to make it into a choosing-sides proposition, and your friend is going to side with his wife, and why invite trouble.
Step back from her, politely and without comment. It’s the only way to handle the situation without turning it into an opera.
Tags: etiquette friendships rando the fam workplace
