The Vine: January 20, 2004
Dear Sars,
I’ve got kind of a tough question for you, especially
as it’s a rather entrenched one. I’ll just sort of
plunge into the backstory and try to keep it brief.
I’ve been married to my husband for about five years
now. He’s an awesome guy, and I love him more than I
can say. We’ve supported each other through a lot of
weird crap, and it’s only made us closer.
He got a late start to life, in a lot of ways. Due to
some major parental issues (read: his dad smacked the
shit out of him on a regular basis), he fell into the
bottle at about twelve years old, and didn’t climb out
of it until about the age of twenty-four, when he
sobered up. He’s been sober for about fifteen years
now. However, as soon as he stopped drinking, the
manic depression which he had been self-medicating
with the booze reared up, and he spent the next few
years getting that under control. His life had hit
bottom, he was living on government aid and credit
cards, and spent most of his time trying to get
stable. Eventually, he did get things straightened
out, got his manic-depression under control with
therapy and medication, and he started college, where
we met each other.
After being friends for a couple of years, and then
dating, we got engaged. We moved in together, then
married, and proceeded to get on with our lives. I
went to grad school, and he endured living in a small
college town where his job opportunities were almost
non-existent. And that, basically, is what I’m
writing to ask about — his employment possibilities
and why he can’t seem to get a steady job.
At this point, he’s thirty-nine (eleven years older
than I am, for the record) and struggling in a part-time job in radio. They’re engaged in dicking him
around by dangling hours in front of him and then
taking them away, constantly promising to eventually
make him full-time and then saying that upper
management has a hiring freeze, all that sort of
thing. He wants to leave, but A) radio is all he
really knows, besides a native talent for computers
that won’t get him a job in this market; and B) the
temp agency where he also gets employment hasn’t been
able to find him a secure temp-to-perm position so he
can tell the radio station to fuck off.
Right now,
his student loans are in default, I’m paying for most
of our living expenses as well as my own student
loans, and his job prospects are not looking great.
(Let’s not even get into some of the small niggling
guilt I feel about him quitting a decent job to move
to a different state with me when I got into grad
school.)
While I knew when we got married that I’d be the
primary breadwinner, I also see how frustrated he is
at not being able to hold down a job that at least
contributes to the household. He feels useless and a
waste, and I ache for him. At his age, how do we find
an entry-level job that he could be hired for? Are
there career counselors around that could help him?
It doesn’t seem like a situation that a headhunter
would be right for. Going back to school might be a
possibility if his loans weren’t in default or if my
own job were higher-paying, but at this moment I don’t
see how we could afford it. Basically, I’m scared,
he’s angry and upset at himself, and we’re not sure if
there’s a path out of this morass.
I know this is a fairly nasty tangle to lay at your
feet, Sars — but any advice would be appreciated,
either from you or your readers.
Love Conquers All But It Doesn’t Pay Off The Student
Loans
Dear Doesn’t Pay,
The two of you have to sit down, decide what your priorities are in terms of reducing the debt load and attaining your respective career goals, and formulate a plan that serves those priorities. It’s probably going to mean that he has to take another job, or that you have to find a position that pays better, but you can’t afford to make this about his self-esteem or your guilt. You’ve got bills to pay. Figure out how to get them paid.
Short-term, that means that you both have to put aside the idea that he’s going to work either 1) in an office or 2) at something he enjoys, because you need to generate income, now, in order to give yourselves choices down the road. Your husband needs to get a job that brings in a full-time paycheck — fulfilling or not. If that means retail, he works retail — or data entry, or food service, whatever it takes.
And that sucks, but once you get your finances a little better under control, the whole situation is going to seem more manageable. Then he can think about finding a career counselor or taking a few classes that give him a leg up in his chosen field(s) — but for right now, he needs a full-time position and a full-time paycheck. Temping is fine, as long as he’s working every day; if he’s not, well, you get the idea.
In six months, see where you are with it, but right now, you need to put the household on a budget, and you both need to do whatever needs doing in order to hit that budget.
Sarah,
I’ll be completing a graduate degree in a few months, and I’m currently in the
process of updating my résumé. However, I can’t figure out (and no one at
any of the universities I’ve contacted can tell me either) which of the
following is the correct way to list an MA: “Masters degree,” “Master’s
degree,” or “Master of Arts.” I’d really like to not look like a moron, so
any help you can give me would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Insert clever name here
Dear Clever,
According to the 11C, either “master of arts” or “master’s degree” is correct. It’s not capitalized. Or you could just use “MA.”
To the wonderful, amazing, much-admired Sars,
After two years of commuting to college, I’ve recently begun living on
campus. It’s been all right so far — just typical adjustment problems. I have my own
bedroom, and my four housemates seem sweet enough, despite the fact that they
are a little ditzy. But I was (perhaps naively) shocked when within three hours
of living there, I pulled open the fridge to put my milk away, and found beer
and other assorted hard liquors on what is supposed to be a dry campus.
And
it’s only gotten worse this week — I get up in the morning, empty cans are in
the sink and left on the table. I come back from class, there’s a bottle of
vodka resting in the dish drain. I go to take a shower, and find three half-empty
beer cans propped where shampoo should be rested.
Personally, I don’t care if the girls drink. Two out of the four are of age,
and I know it’s none of my business what they do. But the problem lies within
the fact that it is illegal on campus to have any sort of liquor on campus at
all, much less in the housing. When our RA finds this stuff — and she will,
this college is very strict and runs random checks weekly after the first two
weeks to settle in — everyone within the apartment will get into trouble. (One
warning, and the next offense means you’re kicked out of campus, no refunds
on anything.) She’s already found it once — the first night, and I was asleep
when she came in to run a quick check to make sure we’d all gotten in okay.
Caroline (the RA) said she’d write us up and try to put in a good word for me
with the guy in charge of housing, but the girls I live with have assured me
that it’ll all be okay, since they are friends with (and party with) another RA
and he’ll get everything “taken care of.”
My problem is, of course, do I run and snitch to our RA, getting them in
trouble and probably saving my own ass, or do I stay quiet and hope, hope, hope
that it’s not found out, and if it is, play dumb (could that sentence be any
longer)? I sometimes get branded a goody-goody of sorts, and I hate it. I just
don’t want to lose my chance to get an education because a couple of women think
they are above the rules. I’ve tried to carefully comment on this to my
housemates, but whenever I bring it up, they just shrug or giggle it off and offer
me something to drink. I don’t want to cause trouble, but I do want to save
myself from it. Is that so bad, and would my informing our RA that the liquor is
still in the fridge be a sneaky, rotten move?
Thanks,
Sobering Influence
Dear Influence,
Call a house meeting. Tell your roommates once more that you don’t care if they drink, but you don’t want to get bounced out of school if they get busted with the booze, so they need to not bring it into the house — and if they do, you will take the necessary action to protect yourself from expulsion. Mean it, too. Be prepared to chuck their stash or report them. You already have one warning, and I wouldn’t count on this mythical “other RA” to “take care of it.”
Be prepared also for them to “whatever” you, or get pissed off. It’s not fun, but honestly, it’s not like they didn’t know about the dry campus thing when they enrolled. This is their problem, not yours. Put them on notice. You don’t want alcohol in the house; you won’t go down with the ship. Period. If they don’t like it, it’s called “a transfer,” and they should look into that.
Dear Sars,
I have an older sister, “Kay.” Kay is generally a great person, but she and I have had our differences. The same could be said about any sisters, right?
But one of the topics for our fights really bothers me. Kay, to be frank, is jealous of me. I can see why — aren’t all humans jealous of another at some time? But she keeps pressing this issue. Any time I excel at something she doesn’t, it is immediately my fault. It could have nothing to do with me and she still will bicker about it. Conversely, if I don’t do as well at something as her, she gloats about it for days.
I have tried talking about this with her, but she won’t discuss it. I have tried having our mother act as a mediator, but this also doesn’t work. Sars, I am at wit’s end about this situation. I want to have a civil relationship with my sister. We are only in our teens now. I can’t imagine what this could escalate to.
Sincerely,
Desperate for Peace
Dear Desperate,
Why don’t you try just not doing anything? Teenage sisters don’t exactly have a storied history of getting along; as you both get older, you’ll get along better, but right now, it’s not happening.
So, accept it — stop having capital-T talks with Kay about it, stop involving your mother, and just let it ride. She’s jealous and you bicker and it’s unpleasant, but focusing all your attention on that aspect of the relationship isn’t helping. The next time she starts in on you, just tell her you don’t want to get into it, or leave the room, or both. Treat her as civilly as you can manage.
You will probably start getting along better eventually, but for now, don’t force it.
Dear Sars,
I’m 17, and there is this…issue…with, of course,
a boy. I was at a small concert a couple of months
ago and he came up and introduced himself. We
started talking about the band, life, et cetera. He seemed
pretty cool and fairly cute, although in a kind of
“kooky” way…his clothing combinations could have
been construed as “woke up and put on the nearest
thing I found” or as “have no sense of style
whatsoever,” which really doesn’t bother me, per se,
but I wasn’t exactly all that forthcoming with the
flirting.
Long story short, he asked for my number, I
actually gave him my real one, he called me about a
week later, and we (to my surprise) had a lot in
common and started talking A LOT on the phone, mostly
just about random stuff. He’s 19, and goes to college
about an hour away from where I live. I came to
realize that I misjudged him when I first met him
(damn that whole book-by-its-cover logic!) and I kind
of really like him now. I’ve gone to visit him about
five times where he lives (he’s in between vehicles now,
so he can’t visit me), and I’ve slept over the majority
of those times.
At the end of the first visit (the
only time I didn’t sleep over), we kissed for the first
time for, oh, a couple of hours, and it was great. He
brought up the whole “so what exactly is this?”
question, and we eventually agreed that we were dating
exclusively.
Now, finally, for the question! I’m a
virgin, and while I’ve been in some heavy-duty
relationships before, I’ve never felt comfortable
enough either with the concept of sex (too young,
et cetera) or the person. My parents raised me fairly
liberally, and I can pretty much bet I won’t get
married as a virgin (my mom actually advised me that
you “don’t buy a pair of shoes before you try them on,”
which shows how much she rocks). I guess my big
question here is: I feel like I want to have sex, and
I want it with this guy, but the logical part of my
brain is wagging its finger.
The smart part of me
says that I’m only 17, I’m still in high school, I’m
going off to college next year (and it will be far
away from here), there’s always time, you aren’t madly
in love with this guy, blah blah blah. However,
another part of me kinda feels like I’m ready, it’s not
that big of a deal, I really trust and like this guy,
and damn it! I just want to, and it’s my body. What
would you advise, oh wise one?
I Really Wish I Had A Sister Like You
Dear Wish,
I think the fact that you have doubts about whether you should do it means that you should do it…if that makes any sense. You take the decision seriously, you understand the pros and cons…I don’t see any reason not to go ahead with it.
I wouldn’t get ahead of yourself here with the going-away-next year stuff. Yes, it’s important to think about the future, but it’s not always good to postpone experiences because things might not work out down the road. You like the guy, you trust the guy, you want to have sex — stock on condoms and have sex.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar roommates sex the fam
