The Vine: January 20, 2006
One of my close relatives is in hospital, and I am
very upset about this. My two best (girl)friends are
out of the country, and I’ve needed someone present.
The only other option for that kind of friendshippy
comforty supporty thing would have been my
ex-boyfriend, who I have sort of been close friends
with for some months (we broke up nearly two years
ago). He, however, evaded my hints that I need someone
right now, someone who knows what’s going on and
sympathises but takes my mind off things. (My exact
words I think were, “I don’t really want to be alone
right now, wanna hang out with me, I’ll buy you beer.”
He said: “No, I already have beer”).
I’m pretty bad at directly asking for help and telling
people how I feel, I’m afraid they’ll do things ’cause
they feel guilty instead of ’cause they really want to.
He should know that the situation must be dire for me
to even ask.
I don’t know if this is because a) he’s afraid I’ll use
the excuse to try and get closer to him than he’s
comfortable with or b) he’s been through a lot of
similar shit in the last couple of years (I’ve tried
to be supportive, he knows I care about him) and he
doesn’t want to deal with my pain as well as his own
or c) he doesn’t care at all. He means a lot to me in
spite of all the post-relationship fall-out, and his
rejection now along with the absence of other
important people in my life has left me feeling even
more lost and lonely and bewildered and sad, as well
as obviously being continually worried like hell about
my aged relative. This thing, however, I can ask
advice about.
I’m afraid of a) getting unreasonably angry and
destroying our friendship or b) being all martyr-ish
and sulky and destroying our friendship or c) bottling
it all up and eventually getting drunk and screaming
at him. I try very hard to see all angles of issues,
especially when it comes to him, but right now I feel
like I’ve been accidentally kicked in the head by a
steel-capped boot at a rock festival.
My question is many-fold (multi-fold?). I do realise
that he and our relationship may not be the way I
thought it was, but do I have any right to ask for
support from him? Should I tell him how crap I feel
about his behaviour? Am I being unreasonable/neurotic
et cetera? Should I stop being friends with him completely?
Would he notice?
Oh yeah, I see him about three times a week in
connection with a mutual hobby.
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed,
You have the right to ask, sure. Do you have the right to expect it, is the question, and your description of your current relationship as “sort of close friends” doesn’t really clarify things on my end. I mean, if I called a close friend and asked him/her to hang out for a few hours because I was freaked out by a relative’s illness, and that friend were like, “Um, no thanks, I’m good here”? I would be disappointed and hurt, and I think you have every right to let your ex know that that’s how you feel.
You say you don’t want to “destroy” the friendship, but…if you need support, and he’s not keen to provide that, is it really a friendship? Or are you two people who used to be close, and now are just kind of acquaintances?
I think the bottom line is that he doesn’t feel the level of commitment to the relationship that you do (and the ex thing, even though it was a while ago, inevitably complicates the question), and this is a bad time to find that out, but it may not be something you can change. He chose not to be there for you; I’m sure he had his reasons, but only you can really say whether they’re good enough to continue treating him like a close friend. I think they probably aren’t.
Dear Sars,
I met Josh about seven years ago, in the prime of my depressive teenage years. I immediately adored him and we had a strange friendship from there on in. We fooled around a few times over the years, and I’m pretty sure he always knew I was absolutely crazy about him. I know he always liked me as well, but we’re not the kind of folk who discuss our feelings openly. We had an on/off relationship, under the veil of a close friendship, but he lived a couple hours away so it was never really anything serious. We made out a bunch, hung out a bunch, and discussed the decline of rock and roll a bunch. Eventually, he moved near to the city I reside in, but we stuck to our seperate circles, and I tried my best not to think of him.
Cut to present day. I have a great boyfriend, who we’ll call Chris, and we’ve been going out for about five months. He went away on a trip for a couple months, and in his wake I pretty much went crazy finding things to do. I am not used to being alone, especially without the prospect of finding someone to keep me company. I hung out with old friends, went out to bars, and had been keeping things together quite well. One weekend, I went out to see Josh’s band in the city. We had a few drinks, had a great time and he ended up letting me crash on his couch. I spent the entire night trying not to pine over him, but the next day I could no longer resist his wiles, and we slept together. And it. Was. Fantastic. Chris is due home in a week or so, and I haven’t talked to Josh since.
My question is one of ethics. There is almost no chance that Chris will ever find out, and I know I made a mistake and I feel fucking disgusting about it. If I tell him, I know he won’t ever want to speak to me again. If I don’t tell him, I will spend the remainder of our relationship both feeling like hell and wondering what could have been between Josh and I. I really care about my boyfriend, and there’s no guarantee that if I leave him, Josh would even be interested in a relationship with me. I don’t know what to do. Please, for the love of caked fish, help me out here.
Sincerely,
The Axis of Infidelity
Dear Ax,
The gist of this letter, basically, is “I fucked up, and I need to find a way not to feel like shit about it” — right? “I don’t like these consequences; point out others that aren’t painful”?
Look, people make mistakes, and I know you’d do it differently if you could, but…you can’t, and I can’t just give you a penance and tell you that will absolve you. You feel guilty and scared and paralyzed by indecision, and that sucks, but, you know, that’s the price of this behavior.
I can’t “fix” this for you, I’m afraid. I can tell you that you should maybe do some thinking about certain things in this letter, to wit: “I am not used to being alone, especially without the prospect of finding someone to keep me company” and “there’s no guarantee that if I leave him, Josh would even be interested in a relationship with me.” Do you see what I’m saying here? There’s a genuine dread of being alone with yourself that’s jumping out at me, and I think you should try to work on that, with a counselor or just thinking about it with yourself, because I think it puts you in situations like this where you cheat on one guy because he’s not around, just to have some companionship, and then you feel terrified that he’s going to find out and what if you break up? It’s like, by trying to avoid abandonment, you ironically wind up doing things that court it.
This may not be conscious behavior, any of it, but if I noticed it…it could be an issue. For now, don’t do anything except think, and maybe talk to a therapist about treating yourself better, and having more faith in yourself, so that you can pass that on to other people and invest it in your relationships.
Dear Sars,
This one is a friendship drama. In my inmost circle of friends, I have a friend named Wilma and a friend named Betty. I used to be very close to Wilma, who is probably the most popular person in the group. Not that this is high school, but that’s the dynamic. She’s looked up to as the “leader” of the pack, she’s pretty, smart, funny, and talented. But when I got really close with her I realized what a poisonous personality she has. She’s always putting down everyone else in the group behind their backs, and of course I soon came to realize that she’s probably saying horrible things about me when I’m not around, and I stopped trusting her.
Now I am closer to Betty, and it is hard for me to see the kind of hero worship that goes on there. Betty adores Wilma, will really go out of her way for her, does nothing but talk her up and want to be hang out with her. She’s even talking about having her be the maid of honor at her upcoming wedding. (I have asked myself if I am just jealous about this.) But if Betty only knew! Wilma has called her horrible things like superficial, trashy, spoiled, tiresome to be around, fat and ugly, a horrible person, all of which is nothing like how Betty actually is. Betty is a wonderful person and I get angry that any of this was said about her.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never tell Betty any of this and hurt her feelings with this slander. But Betty has noticed that there is a chill between me and Wilma, and she and the other members of the group I think blame me for giving her the cold shoulder, or at least think I should be warmer, or as close to her as I used to be when we hung out all the time.
Sars, I don’t know how to handle this situation. If I pretend like everything’s okay with Wilma, well, I just can’t do it. I’m starting to really dislike her because she’s so phony and fake all the time, playing Miss Popularity and soaking up the attention from people she really looks down on. But I can’t blow the lid on her without being the bad guy, causing hurt feelings. And maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them, even if I think they are being suckered in some way. I would think I would want to know, but of course I wouldn’t want to be the messenger on this one.
I guess right now I’m letting people make assumptions about me (and I can’t really blame them since they don’t know the truth) but Wilma is so popular that I’m getting a little frozen out, excluded from certain events and so forth, and as you may be able to imagine, it’s frustrating! But they don’t see the vicious Wilma, they see the fun, nice, fake Wilma. It’s not that they are “taking Wilma’s side” but I get the sense that they would, if it ever got to the point where sides were taken. And maybe it will get to that point yet.
What would you suggest I do, if anything?
Pebbles
Dear Peb,
Well, I’m tempted to give you a little of the old Steve Carlton “never complain, never explain,” but…what do you want to happen in the situation? What is the central problem here, for you?
Ideally, of course, you want everyone to get along and ackrite, but that’s a proven non-starter, so…do you want everyone to see the “real” Wilma? Do you want everyone to know how you feel so that, regardless of how they see her, they’ll make the necessary adjustments in the situation? Do you kind of just want everyone to stop pushing you for closeness with Wilma?
Because it seems like it comes down to two choices: keep mum and continue suffering the exclusion of the group, or say your piece and risk the exclusion of the group. Not much of a choice, really, and it bears mentioning that nobody else seems capable of seeing through Wilma’s phoniness, which does make me wonder if the group dynamic itself isn’t perhaps the problem here.
I would try this: the next time it comes up with Betty, just tell her that Wilma is a nasty trash-talker. Decline to say about whom; say you’d rather not be a hypocrite and do the same thing to Wilma that you don’t like her doing to others, and if others still like spending time with her, that’s fine, but you’re no longer really comfortable and that’s pretty much all you have on the subject.
I think this is all you can really do without climbing down to Wilma’s level and telling Betty straight out that Wilma thinks she’s a pathetic pig — and even that, well, people believe what they want to, and you’re probably right that Wilma is shit-talking you as well…the better to manipulate the current impasse to her advantage. And in cases like that, honestly, the best thing to do is nothing. If the group sides with Wilma? They’ll deserve her.
Hi Sars,
I recently just ended my relationship with Girlfriend. We had been together
for over a year, and it was the first long-term thing that I had ever been a
part of. The time we spent together was truly amazing. We had fun,
interesting conversations, great sex life, the whole bonanza. We were truly
in love, and not in the undergrad “I love you after two weeks” way but the
“I love you and could see us being together forever” way.
The problem: she
is going abroad next semester to another continent in which she might not
have access to phones or internet. Also, we are unsure of where we’re going
to be for the following summer, most likely we are going to end up in
different places. To add to all of this I will be going to law school next
fall, possibly to a different city. Either way, there are a ton of question
marks.
This knowledge weighed down on our relationship until things started getting
bad. Eventually we broke up, knowing that it wouldn’t work with so much
time and distance between us. After a week of no communication we talked
again. We both admitted how much we are still in love with each other, but
how the future is inevitable. We have been talking more since, mostly in
the vein of “goddamn this sucks.” At times it seems like we’re still
together, and the lines are often blurred even though we haven’t done
anything relationshippy (dates, sex, et cetera) since the breakup.
My question is what should I do now. She’s leaving within the month,
possibly for forever, especially if I go to law school in a different city.
I want to enjoy her as much as possible before she leaves, yet at the same
time I’m going to have to move on at some point, and we are broken up, if
not in spirit. We’ve talked a lot about resuming things when we’re in the
same locale again, but who knows? I really just don’t know what to do.
Thanks for the help and understanding.
Sincerely,
Relationship in Limbo
Dear Lim,
Well…it wouldn’t not work because of the time and distance. It would not work because you let the prospect of the separation psych you both out. People can and do manage long-distance relationships all the time; it’s not easy, and it’s not preferred, and it’s not guaranteed, but it’s doable, and if you love each other and you have a year-long relationship you both really valuable, it’s worth doing.
I guess I’m not sure why a breakup was necessary, is what I’m trying to say. Yeah, she’ll be abroad, but they have this thing called “snail mail” that you could make do with for the semester, and yeah, you’ll be going to law school and you don’t know where…there are a lot of things you don’t know. It’s called “life.” You could get hit by a bus; you won’t know that either. Do you see what I’m saying? If the two of you had just met, I could see cutting bait, but if the central issue is geographical and not a compatibility question, maybe you should reconsider the “this can’t happen” stance. I’m not sure why neither of you can ever change your plans, either. Law school’s not going anywhere, and we’ve got a bunch of ’em. Again, you can’t predict everything; maybe a little flexibility re: the future is in order here.
…Or maybe the fact that it drove a wedge between you before either of you even left town is not a good sign, but it sounds like you both feel like you acted too hastily, and what you really want is to be together. And that is not always going to mean living in the same town for the two of you, but if the relationship is something you value? Value it.
If you really can’t bear the thought of a long-distance relationship, fine, but cut it off now, all the way off — no contact, no regrets, new life, goodbye. But only if that’s really what you want.
Hi Sars,
A close friend of mine wrote to me asking for advice on a situation, and I am having problems distancing myself from my relationship with her in order to be objective about things. I am generally an analytical person who values reason above emotion, but in some instances that can make me seem like a “bad friend” because I will tell people the truth as I see it, rather than what they want to here, even when I know that what they want is for me to tell them what they want to hear. However, I am lost in this instance.
Some background: My friend was abused by a parent until finally, at 16, she decided to leave. Neither her other parent nor her only sibling (a brother) supported her in this issue. I don’t know the family dynamic other than vague details. I do know that in the past she has tried to make contact with the “non-abusive” parent (I use quotes because allowing your child to be abused is abuse), to no avail. She has many, many issues and neuroses due to her abuse and subsequent shunning, and once a year or so she gets depressed and mourns the loss of her family.
Recently she Googled around and stumbled upon her brother’s site, only to find that he had gotten married. Seeing photos of her parents hugging the bride upset her to no end. More recently she went back to her brother’s site and found that he and has wife had a baby. Coincidentally, they named the baby Zoe. I say coincidentally because my friend had fallen in love with that name a few years ago and decided she would name her first child Zoe if it was a girl. Anyway, this set off a chain of emotional events that led her to wonder if she should try getting in touch with her brother, and she wrote me to ask if she was setting herself up for disappointment if she did — well, she asked myriad questions, but the crux of them all was, “Do you think I should get in touch with my brother?”
I think she is expecting more closure from this than she will get. On other occasions I have told her I felt she needs to find a way to obtain this closure on her own, as it is not something anyone can actually give to you. On top of this she has serious emotional issues for which I feel she should seek help. For instance, she freaks out when her head is touched, to the degree that she can’t even get a hair cut from a stranger. It sends her into panic attacks. That’s just a small example, she really doesn’t handle her emotions well at all, and her moods swing wildly. All this being said, she is a wonderful person, and she has her shit together far more than you would think someone would who had been abused in every way a child could be abused.
When I have subtly tried to mention the psychologist idea before, she hasn’t been receptive. She thinks she’s just eccentric. She IS eccentric in wonderful ways, but she is also seriously scarred in others.
Anyway, I guess I am looking for an unbiased view on how to approach this. Everything inside me says to tell her she needs to resolve these issues and acquire a few more coping tools for her psychological tool box before she even tries to contact these people, but I also know this isn’t something she wants to hear. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry I didn’t have this bound…
A Vulcan Friend
Dear T’Pol,
I think you’re right as far as your assessment of the situation. As far as how to apply that to supporting your friend…you know, she did ask your opinion on what she should do, so it’s not like you’re just announcing unsolicited that you think she’s not ready to take on her past in this way.
So, I would tell her what you just told me — but I would phrase it entirely in “if I were you” and “if it were me” statements, which are a little less “challenging.” For example: “Well, Friend, if it were me, I would want to make sure I had worked through a bunch of issues first so I wouldn’t be unprepared for old emotions to come flooding back, or swamped by disappointment, because I personally would need that at my back, and if I were in your shoes I would want to prepare myself for any outcome, but of course I support you in whatever you want to do and I’m happy to just listen.”
If she’s not having any of that, she’s not, but I do think you should make your reservations clear while saying you’ve got her back regardless. I have a feeling that she’s going to go ahead and do it, and that it’s not going to turn out that well, because this is just another part of a painful process for her that she’s not ready to put aside yet, and there’s just not much you can do until she decides for herself to deal with the past in the service of the future.
You’re a good friend to care, and as such, yes, I would say something (“if I were you”), but you also have to know that there’s only so big a role you can play in this story.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships sex the fam
