The Vine: January 20, 2010
I don’t know if I’m writing this more as a question or for therapy. All I know is life does not seem right and I’m not sure what right is anymore.
I’ve had three cats — my oldest is 11 years old, I have a four-year-old, and just recently lost a five-year-old. For most of my time with them I lived in an apartment, so they were indoor cats because they had nowhere they could go outside. I did always dream, though, of someday owning a house with a yard for my older cat to go outside in. I love my pets, they are like my family, and have always fed and cared for them very well. And damn, life was good.
My husband and I got married two years ago. He loved the cats, but did get into it with our boy cat since Toby was peeing on Husband’s clothes. Things got much better since we moved into a house, though. The cats have an area in the basement about the size of our living room and dining room. Due to Husband’s allergies and cat box problems (peeing, destroying furniture), we decided that keeping them in their area would be best for the sanity of our family. This didn’t bother me, though, since they had such a big area and we have a nice-sized yard.
The cats absolutely thrived being indoor/outdoor cats. We would let them in and out throughout the day and keep them in at night. Every morning I would go downstairs and the two youngest cats would be crying at the door to go out, and every night when I called them they would run back inside. I would always get mad when people would say cats should be kept indoors, and I would say your kids would be safer if you kept them inside too, but certainly not happier.
I have gotten so much joy out of watching my cats be so happy, and life seemed to be so good until last week. Unfortunately, the unthinkable happened and my five-year-old, Jaiden, did not come home. She was definitely the explorer of the group, and often would take time, 15 to 20 minutes, to come in when called, so we knew she was wandering further and further.
What an awful nightmare it was finding her gone in the road. It is tragic and terrible. What haunted me too, was that she was on her way home because she was headed in our direction. We are devastated and both my husband and I have said we have never gone through something like this before.
I don’t regret letting her outside because I know she absolutely loved it. She was always an extremely anxious cat, but when she got to run outside it seemed like her anxiety just melted away. She loved her life and I do not regret a second of it. And I do believe she was the happiest for the last year of her life since we lived in this house. But the pain is unbearable.
I worry about the other cats but I don’t think they wander like she did. My oldest definitely stays right by the house, and Toby likes to go in the woods by our house but they always seem to be pretty close by. I definitely think it would be cruel in our situation to keep them indoors (they are used to being outdoors and do not have a run of the house).
We really feel bad for Toby though. I know he misses Jaiden and he is a very social cat. He is the kind of cat who will go up and snuggle another cat with his head. My oldest cat is an old lady though and prefers to be to herself. Plus, I think Toby pretty much annoys her. We have talked about possibly getting another cat at some point in order for Toby to have a companion/playmate. It just makes us even more sad to see him so lonely.
But part of me wonders if I should just keep my two and just never get another animal again. I know I have given my pets a good life, but now that’s gone. I have gotten so much joy out of seeing them so happy and now it seems like things will never be happy for us again.
I guess I just need a little perspective. Whether you run this in The Vine or not, I don’t really care but it would be nice if you could respond. It seems like it is hard to find people who understand, and I feel like you maybe would. Plus, I remember you saying you’ve had indoor/outdoor cats. It seems like all you hear is the debate to keep the cats locked inside and they will be fine (though not necessarily healthier or happier).
So, what would you suggest? Looking into eventually getting your buddy a companion or do the best with what I’ve got and forget being able to be an owner to any other animals? And any advice for how to move on from this awful situation?
Sad Lady
Dear Sad,
I’ll take the second part of your question first: you give it time.You acknowledge that a portion of your grief is guilt, justified or not, and another portion — which is, in a way, particular to grieving animal family — is that you feel unsure whether Jaiden knew how much you cared for her and wanted her to live as happily as she could.
It’s difficult with animals, because they don’t communicate the same way we do, and you want to believe that they understand “I love you” and “I’m sorry we have to go in the car,” but since they don’t seem to understand “stop that” or “get down”…I’m joking, but you know what I mean.You just have to believe that she knew you loved her, and hope that she didn’t suffer.
And then, you know, you sit with the unhappiness, because a family member died.It’s not like you lost a bracelet; the devastation you feel is natural.It still sucks, but it’s not abnormal.You and your husband might consider having a little ceremony to remember Jaiden by, to help yourselves through it with a ritual.If you have her ashes, you could sprinkle them in a corner of your yard, say a few words, and plant a little tree or something.
The guilt is normal too, but you have to assess the cat’s quality of life indoors vs. outdoors.Outdoor cats do not tend to live as long; traffic, other animals, getting lost or bitten or stuck in trees, eating a carcass or licking antifreeze, catching diseases they wouldn’t get inside — there’s a long list of risk factors.Some people will argue vociferously that a cat should never go outside, and I can see the wisdom, but it depends on the cat.Some cats really love it and can fend for themselves; you have to use your judgment.
As far as getting another cat, same thing.You probably want to give Toby a few more weeks to adjust to the new two-cat order of things; if he’s still lonely after a while, look into adopting from a no-kill shelter.(Everyone always wants the kittens, but it’s great to re-home adult cats if they can integrate with the current herd.)Give it a little more time, then take a spin through Petfinder.com and see how you feel.If you can’t stop crying because of Jaiden, maybe it’s too soon…but maybe there’s a little calico who’s good with other pets that you’ll like the looks of.
What you’re going through is hard.You lost someone you love.Give yourself a break; it’ll get easier.
Hey Sars,
This one is sort of weird and specific, and I don’t know how many folks find themselves in this exact situation, but if anyone can offer some good advice/suggestions, it’s you and the TN readership.Ready?
The backstory: I am an only child, well into adulthood, of divorced parents.Even when my parents were together, I was much closer to my mom and her side of the family.I don’t get along especially well with any of them, including my dad, and consequently opt not to spend much time with them.There’s been nastiness over the years, ranging from the subtle to the very overt to the just weird.I wouldn’t say we’re estranged, but certainly closer to that side of the spectrum than not.
The specifics aren’t interesting, unique, or important, but the years of distance and general bad feelings all around are.My daughter was the first child of her generation, and this changed things a little bit for the better, but efforts have been pretty token on both sides.
So anyway, my grandfather (Dad’s dad) recently died.It wasn’t unexpected, and frankly a mercy given his health.He chose cremation, followed by interment.Then, at the cemetery, all the kids and grandkids were presented with a small personal urn of his remains.
Now, I understand and respect that everyone grieves differently, and if my family finds such a thing helpful then they should certainly have it.But my reaction?Is slightly horrified.I just don’t want human remains in my house.I can’t get over my base horror of it.I’m probably especially sensitive on the subject due to a really traumatic viewing in my teens, but I don’t deal well with the physical aspects of death.Irrational, maybe, but that’s where I am.
So the question is, what can I do?I seriously can’t deal with having Grandpa in the house.The urn is presently in the garage, but that seems really disrespectful to me as a long-term solution.For karmic and legal reasons, throwing it in the dumpster is right out.
I’ve researched legal ways to scatter the ashes (and yes, I do realize what scattered ashes look like, that I can deal with or work around), but I feel really guilty about that.I mean, someone wanted me to have this.Someone, or several someones, thought they were including me in the family, in a nice way.These people are rarely in my house and likely wouldn’t notice, but I do feel like I’m throwing away something that was a gift or possibly even an olive branch.
I don’t know if having these urns was part of Grandpa’s wishes, but I’d be surprised, given his general personality, if he’d left something like this to chance.He was pretty specific about the rest of the service.My daughter is three and won’t remember him, so legacy concerns really aren’t.
So, to keep, to scatter, any thoughts?Any brilliant third option I hadn’t considered?I’m a lazy and sporadic Lutheran, so I don’t have any real guidance that way.
Once the black sheep, always the black sheep
Dear Sheep,
Someone wanted you to have the ashes, yes, but you don’t say that that someone — your grandfather, an aunt or uncle, whoever — specified that you had to have have them, as in keep them always and forever.Presumably, the idea is that you do something with them that has meaning for you, whether that’s keeping them on the mantel, scattering them, or stashing them in a safety deposit box that you never check.
You weren’t close with the man, you aren’t close with anyone else on that side of the family, and you weren’t given explicit instructions as to their administration or I assume you’d have mentioned it.They’re for you to deal with as you see fit, so find a nice little corner of a park, get the proper permissions, read a poem you think he’d have appreciated, and feel good about it.
Hi Sars,
A year ago I joined a gym that is run by the park district in our small-ish suburban town.I got myself into a routine and use the elliptical machine just about every day.I have a small window of time that I can do this in between working and kids, life, whatever.
Unfortunately, I’m not the only one with a set schedule. Every Monday and Wednesday there is a guy there who reeks so badly that I actually gag.I have learned to be very careful about what machine I’m signing up for, but sometimes it is crowded and I don’t have a lot of choice. Or he gets there a few minutes after I start. The bottom line is that if I end up within 25 feet of Mr. Stinkypants, I have to work out holding my towel up over my nose.
I have noticed that he always wears the exact same sweat pants and t-shirt, and I suspect he never washes these items or he would possibly be less rank.I’ve thought of saying something to the staff, or even trying to hand him a note, but that seems really bitchy. I don’t smell like roses after a workout either, but I do wear fresh clothes every day and I wish there were a way I could convey this bit of hygiene to him without causing him embarrassment, or hurting his feelings.Any thoughts, oh wise Sars?
No…really…EW!
Dear Ew,
You have three choices:
1) Take a staffer aside and ask that s/he deal with it. “Listen, I feel bad bringing this up, I don’t want to be a baby, but there’s a member who” et cetera et cetera “beyond the normal scope of workout-sweat odor” blah.Mention that you don’t love putting the staffer in this position, but you don’t know what else to do; ask what happens next.
I’m betting the answer is “not much,” as this is likely beyond the scope of their job descriptions, but you can try it.
2) Leave a note — not a bitchy one, but a regretful, “I’m sure you’re unaware of this, but I have to urge you in the strongest possible terms to launder your workout clothes between visits, because you’re creating an unpleasant environment”-type note.Again, though, it’s hard to say how effective that would be.I would be horrified to receive such a note, but…I would wash my sweatpants, so I can’t really predict how he’ll react.It might light a fire (fueled by Febreze) under him; it might just get his back up.
3) Rearrange your schedule for at least a couple of the days you tend to cross paths with El Stinko.Yes, it’s a pain and you shouldn’t “have to,” but on the plus side, you know when he tends to use the gym, so at least that part of it is predictable — and honestly, I think it’s the only one of the three options that’s going to solve the problem.
Tags: cats etiquette the fam
For Sheep, have you considered burying the ashes instead of scattering them? Dig a shallow hole in the backyard, place the container in the ground, say a few words, cover them up, and done. You can either mark the spot or not. That way, you still ‘have’ them, and you have memorialized gramps in a way that you can live with. If ever you move, well, it wouldn’t be the first time such a thing has occurred. Think of all the ad hoc burials of pets and such that have gone before you.
Oh; and it would be a good idea to use a biofriendly container; cardboard or ceramic — not plastic.
Ew: When it comes to terrible smells, I find that a mint scented chapstick or Vick’s vapour rub or something under my nose works wonders. I learned that trick from the autopsy scene in Silence of the Lambs. You might try that first? It gives your nose something else to concentrate on.
Sad Lady: If you’re worried about your other cats outside, my sister will tie up her cat in the backyard, like a dog, on an extremely long rope and sit out there reading with him while he explores the backyard. For him, that’s plenty–he’s nervous exploring and their area is dangerous. Would your cats enjoy something like that? Just a thought if you’re going to be too worried waiting for them to come home.
Also, I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking and I hope you can remember that you did the best for your cat and it sounds like she was very happy.
@Sheep Not knowing anything about your family, I would guess there was a statement to divide up the remains among the “kids and grandkids” and since you probably weren’t specifically excluded, you were simply included. I think Sars’ idea is good. If you didn’t find it creepy, you could consider keeping the urn (cleaned) and then you could still possibly share it with your daughter when she is grown. And if your family ever bothers you, you could share as much as you like (that you scattered the ashes in a personally meaningful way or simply that you still have Grandpa). Sans ashes, you can keep it or store it where you like.
@Sad–I completely agree with Sars that you have to make the decision that is best for you. Before we moved in together, I had two indoor cats, and my boyfriend had one outdoor cat, Princess (so named because she will only eat Fancy Feast, little prima donna). About a month before the move, Princess went missing. We were devastated, and when she miraculously turned up after a week or ten days, we decided that it was too hard on us to worry about her being outside.
I think it helped that we moved soon after. She still cries to go outside a fair amount, and for the first few months, expressed her displeasure by finding places other than the litterbox to pee. Now she will cry for a bit, but once she realizes it isn’t happening, she will entertain herself by sitting in the window or torturing the other two cats. As Sars said, you never know what they are actually thinking, but she seems to be adjusting.
Best of luck, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
EW: My gym once sent all it members a letter advertising new equipment they had just bought. It also contained a gentle reminder that everyone knows sweat can stink and so we should all take particular care to always wear fresh clothes when working out. Or something to this effect. I remember thinking there must have been complaints about someone because they don’t send letters regularly and the rest of the contents seemed like an excuse for givint this message out. The thing is, you can’t be the only one that has noticed the problem, so if enough people complain maybe the gym can do something similar – not necessarily sending a letter but even only putting up notices. Who knows, maybe the stinky guy can take a hint.
Cremation: My grandfather was cremated, and his remains were mixed with plastic resin which was then poured into a mold. The result looked like those “Corian” or “cultured marble” countertops. I suggested that maybe we could save Grandpop and use him for kitchen remodeling. This was not considered amusing.
@Sad: Get another cat. I’ve seen any number of people who lost a pet and said “I’m not getting another, I just can’t deal with the sadness”, and they were more miserable because of THAT than they were from the original loss!
People aren’t going to judge you badly because of it. Look at it this way–you might have lost someone close to you, but now you have a chance to help out someone else.
@EW: Actually, I’m going to contraindicate Sars here and say “tell the staff”.
* They’re required to ensure the health and safety of their customers, and if this guy’s BO is that awful then there’s probably some nasty crap growing in his clothes (or else he’s just disgustingly filthy.)
* Also, they’re allowed to enforce standards of behavior, and terrible stink is part of that (same with bellowing like a moose every time you do a squat, like seriously guy, 200 pounds is really not so much weight to reqire a “SSSSAAAHH!! HURRRRNNNNNNGGGGGHH!” every rep.) Indeed, customer complaints can only help with this, by giving the staff some more ammunition.
* And even if Stinkman gets offended and quits, I figure that EW isn’t the only one who’s noticed the smell, and the gym management would probably be happier about losing one stinky customer than losing four or five normal-smelling ones.
(As a side note: I once decided that I was going to work out in the morning, rather than the afternoon. I further decided that I would conserve water by showering _after_ I worked out. I did this for about three days, and then I realized that I smelled like a goddamn dumpster.)
@sheep, You don’t mention in your note whether you are religious, but I just thought I would suggest the possibility that a church near you may have a memorial garden where you could place the urn and ashes. The church would probably look for a donation of some kind. That might be a more “formal” option than just finding a place in the back yard. Usually memorial gardens have flowers, trees, a bench to sit on, maybe a plaque, but no formal headstones — they are meant for scattering or burying ashes.
Ew – I had a similar situation in that the ‘cardio’ room of our stanky YMCA basement gym had no windows and would tend to get funky in itself. The staff installed a series of fans which helped a bit. My Mr. Stinky would get to the gym after me and would pick a treadmill right next to me, even if there were 2309482 other ones available. What can I say, I rock the cut-off sweatpants and Def Leppard Hysteria Tour 1987 t-shirt. Anyway, Mr. Stinky lived up to his name and then some.
After a couple of weeks of this (also with some gross leering for extra skeevity), I fought back. My husband and I went out to a local restaurant known for making all of its menu items with garlic. And we chowed down all garlic-style and then I went to the gym a little later than usual the next day. I chose a treadmill at the end of the row and positioned the fan so it was blowing my stench down the row. Predictably, Mr. Stinky chose the treadmill right next to me, stinking up the joing and leering at me.
Let’s just say my body does not process garlic well, and after about 10 minutes, Mr. Stinky gave me the most horrified look he could muster and never ever bothered me again.
Dear Sad: I’m very sorry for your loss.
This line concerns me: “I know I have given my pets a good life, but now that’s gone. I have gotten so much joy out of seeing them so happy and now it seems like things will never be happy for us again.”
Not that I don’t get that kind of despair, because believe me I do. And I don’t know how long ago this happened, so maybe you’re in a different place now. But as much as you’re concerned about Toby, I’m concerned about you. I agree with Sars about letting yourself feel the grief and guilt, and I’d also suggest maybe talking to someone professional (though I understand it might be hard to find someone who gets it–perhaps ask the vet)? Because “seems like things will never be happy for us again” can sometimes make the turn from grief to depression in the blink of an eye, and I wonder if some of this (genuine) concern about your other cats and the indoor/outdoor debate might be deflection of what you yourself are going through.
No Name: Hahahahaha ohhhhh. That is beautiful.
Sad:
I really empathise with your situation. We had a 14 year old cat who was always indoors/outdoors (she would come & go freely), and she was eventually hit on the road. She was quite adventurous and would wander a fair way; I sometimes saw her looking both ways before crossing our (very quiet) street. We eventually got another cat and the vet gave us some advice; if you keep a cat totally indoors for the first several months of its life, and then let it out, it will be more of a homebody. I’m not sure if this works in general, but it certainly worked with out cat; we kept her indoors until she was 6 months old, and then slowly introduced her to the outside. We had some amusing experiences walking her on one of those little cat harnesses around the house- she had a great time sniffing at things and pawing at leaves, and when we took her to the road-front side of the house she seemed to get/be scared of the cars. The result is that she’s never far away- she is almost always within sight in the backyard if she’s outdoors, and I’ve never seen her near or crossing the road, unlike our last cat. She’s only 5 now, but I feel reasonably good about her being outdoors, in spite of how heartbreaking it was when my first cat died.
We always get her indoors before night falls, because of the increased risk of accidents/cat fights/her hunting local wildlife.
Good luck with it all.
EW!: I once had a co-worker who was verbally warned about her odoriferous nature. My manager had to bring it up because of the complaints from us and customers. I suggest going, not to a staffer, but to the manager/assistant manager. That way less people are involved meaning less embarrassment for the staff and Mr. Stinky. Best of luck.
A brother and sister I know were given a share of the ashes of a grandfather who wrote some really nasty, untrue and very hurtful things about them in his will, that were presumably the result of manipulation by other branches of the family tree who wanted, and got themselves, a larger slice of the pie.
One day, Sis accidently knocked over the urn, it spilt and the wounds still rather raw, she swept up the ashes and put them in the cat litter, which is a really awful thing to do, but I can’t say I blame her under the circumstances (Letting loose, out of nowhere, in a will is so damn cowardly).
So @sheep in that context, I think honouring your grandfather by scattering or burying the ashes is perfectly fine.
@no name: Thank you for that. I just laughed for about ten minutes.
Sad Lady: I’m sorry to hear about Jaiden :( I will never let my kitties roam free for fear of that exact sad occurrence. Also we have coyotes. *shudder* However, they seem to keep themselves amused convincing themselves scraps of paper are the most fantastic toys, and that power cords are in fact deadly vipers. But if that doesn’t work for yours, you can buy harnesses (cats can slip collars easily) and leashes, so maybe supervised outdoor visits would be a compromise? I have a friend who walks her cat along with her dog, it’s pretty awesome. Also the cat will play fetch, but I digress.
When my partner died, we scattered most of his ashes in a place that was meaningful for him, but we saved a couple of small urns,* one for his brother and one for his god-son. Each of those two families decided to deposit the ashes at the base of a tree or shrub they were planting on their property, which gave them a reminder of his life without being creepy or sad.
*Okay, they weren’t urns. One was a zip-loc baggy and the other one was the small tin box his brother used to keep his weed in.
@Grainger: Hee! Yes, when people ask you what kind of countertop you’re putting in, you can say “oh, it’s Grandpop.” And they’ll say, “Granite?”. And you’ll say, “No, Grandpop…”. The conversational possiblities are endless! Very disappointed that your family did not seriously entertain this suggestion.
@Sad Lady: Sorry for your loss, truly. Give it time, and then get another kitty. I agree with Sars – go for an adult, about the same age as Toby. This worked great for me a couple of years ago, and after a few weeks my kitties were fast friends, chasing each other around and curling up together at night. The shelter will know if a cat is good with other cats, and just keep them separated for a few days when New Kitty comes home, so they can get used to each other before meeting face-to-face. You have nothing to feel guilty for, and you’re giving a shelter cat a much better home than s/he currently has, so please consider it. Good luck!
Sad – I am so sorry for your loss.
Keep your heart open to the idea of bringing another little love into your family when the time is right, but don’t force it. Your heart will tell you when the time is right. For me, that time didn’t come until I stopped weeping at the sight of one food bowl in the kitchen instead of two – and it took weeks to get to that point.
Know that you aren’t alone. You and your family (both two and four-legged) are in my thoughts.
@Sad: I am so sorry. I’ve never lost an animal from something other than illness/old age (usually both at once), but I’m not sure it really ever hurts any less whatever way it happens. My family has lost a cat and three dogs since I was born.
We put down my 13-year-old mutt and my 12-year-old Akita within just under a year — the Akita was six days ago and the mutt was last January 20. Dryfuss, our Great Pyrenees, nearly 8, is still with us, and he is grieving big time. He’s never been the only child and suddenly that’s his lot in life. He’s quite depressed and I feel terrible for him, but he needs his time.
I agree with Sars that Toby needs a little time to adjust (as do you), like Dryfuss, and then you can go from there. I also think that you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened to Jaiden. It sounds like she wouldn’t have been as happy as an indoor cat, and you gave her five wonderful years, two she was able to be an adventurer and be really happy. You haven’t failed your animals or any future animals. Don’t not let yourself give a good home to a cat that needs one.
To Sad Lady,
First of all , you are a wonderful mommy to have given this so much thought and consideration. My husband and I have been down this road, we presently have 6 cats, 2 of whom are the indoor/outdoor combo platter types. We’ve lost a number of cats over the years, our oldest was 21 when she passed. I can really relate because I lost my first cat much the same way you lost Jaiden. It was right in front of our apartment and she was coming home.
I said never again.
As time passed, we were adopted by an abandoned Mommy kitty who gave birth , we kept 1 kit and found homes for the others. Thus started the rescue/adoption phase. We try to get kittens or cats close in age and have gons so far as to adopt triplets ( now age 10) . We’ve done this for over 30 years.
You will know when you are ready…a face and 4 paws will claim your heart..
I’m gonna send a prayer and good thought to the Rainbow Bridge for Jaiden.
Blessed Be.
@Sad Lady: I’m so very sorry for your loss.
@Jon: I’m sorry for the loss of your partner. And I hate myself for laughing SO HARD at your disclaimer.
@Sad: I am so sorry for the loss of your Jaiden. I know all too well what you are feeling, and as you didn’t mention if you had children (I don’t) but when I lost my Moxy four years ago (after 11 years together), it was if I had lost a child, and I found it hard for people to understand my grief and I got more than one “really? it’s just a cat” look when I’d talk about it.
My partner and I then decided to ‘adopt’ the two stray cats living in my parents garage that they had been feeding (it wasn’t immediate, and took a good four months for us to be ready to bring another kitty – let alone two – into our lives). Misfit was only with us for 6 months until we realized something was suddenly really wrong physically and behaviorally with him – the vet determined he was close to 20 yrs old and his kidneys had gone and he was experiencing some sort of kitty dementia – we decided to do the right thing and end his suffering and felt awful about it – but we took comfort in the fact that although he wasn’t with us long, he probably had the best 6 months of his life with lots of lap-time and scritches, comfy spots to sleep, good food, and he didn’t have to spend his day wondering how he was going to survive but rather what sunbeam he was going to lie in.
We weren’t planing to get another cat, but Manwich was a bit lonely and so we brought home a rescue kitten and they have been best buds ever since. If you decide to bring home another fuzzball, you’ll know when the time is right…
BTW, we always lived in apts so going outside wasn’t an option – now that we have just bought a townhouse (with a yard) we take the boys out either on harnesses or we follow them around the backyard or sit on the patio watching them so they don’t take off – the huge maple tree with a family of squirrels living in it who run around our yard doesn’t help! As long as they can get out and sniff around and roll in the grass everyday they are happy. Tom cat + chin on window sill looking longingly outside = biggest kitty guilt trip ever.
Sad Lady – I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost two gorgeous kitties to the roads and am now a staunch believer in keeping my kitties inside. My two current kitties are inside only and they are completely happy inside. My theory is that they can’t miss what they’ve never known.
However, there is a happy middle ground between inside only and inside/outside – which gives your furbabies a sense of freedom and fresh air and grass to chew on without the dangers of other animals, roads, disease (Feline AIDS is easily transferred via saliva from bite wounds caused by fighting cats) .
Cat enclosures/cat proofing your fences are popular options here in Australia, where there are strict cat curfews designed to protect native wildlife. This website has some great suggestions: http://www.cat-world.com.au/cat-enclosures
The love of a cat is something beautiful, and in return we need to do our best to protect them from dangers. Keeping your cats contained to a safe area is a very easy thing for you to do.
@Sad – I had to put my beloved dog down in 2007. She unexpectedly became seriously ill and it’s never an easy decision. What I didn’t expect was how much her absence grieved me. I was a mess, on the verge of depression, and cried at the sight of even a dog food commercial.
I remember thinking & saying I would never get another pet because losing the EmmaDog was the hardest thing I have ever done and I never wanted to feel that pain again. But I was miserable without a dog in the house and I hated coming home to all the quiet. I tried looking at shelter dogs but I broke down and cried when the volunteer coordinator asked me what happened to my former dog so I knew I couldn’t do it alone.
Thankfully, I have a stubborn best friend who dragged me out and could see – even though I wouldn’t admit it and wanted to walk away – that I had an interest in a scrawny, skinny little rescue dog. She bullied me into adopting her and it took a good two weeks for me to bond with her. That was almost 3 years ago and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
That said to say, I didn’t think I was ready, I thought it would take so much time for me to get adjusted to another pet but, actually, having the new dog helped me heal faster and made all the grief and pain fade.
@Sad: Some years ago I lost an old friend, and for various reasons could not attend his funeral. My pastor suggested later that we should meet and have a “funeral” of our own. The point of a funeral, he said, is to say a good goodbye. We got together with another friend who knew the deceased, and it really helped. Some sort of an observance might ease the burden more than you know.
Also, you didn’t fail Jaiden. She was a good cat, and a terrible thing happened. The fact that it did happen does not mean you now have to be punished by never having animals again. Toby needs a playmate and somewhere there’s another kitty who needs the good home that you provide.
Also, thirds and fourths on kitty harnesses. My adopted former-indoor-outdoor cat loves her harness, because it means outside time, woo hoo! She’d love to just be out, period, but between cars, nearby guard dogs, and trains just beyond the property line: not happening. I’d rather supervise her on a leash.
Also, there’s whole-yard cat fence systems, if you don’t want to deal with the supervisory needs of cats on strings. This no jumping device looks interesting too. I haven’t tried either thing myself.
@Grainger – Wait. I don’t understand. It’s now considered bad to shower *after* working out in the morning? What about the sweat developed as you’re working out? Do you just go along the rest of the day making everyone you encounter deal with that stench? When I’m going to the gym in the morning, I roll out of bed, throw on sweatpants, go to the gym, work out, get home, shower, and get ready for the day. Am I supposed to get up, shower, work out, and then shower again? I’m honestly confused here.
@Sad Lady:
I am so sorry for your loss. My fur babies are the light and love of my life too so I feel how deep your grief must be. I concur with what Sars and everyone else has written in here. But for the meantime one thing I DO know that will help Toby is that you and your husband must continue the usual ‘routine’ and behaviour in the house that occurred when Jaiden was around. The worst thing that happens to the other cats when a catmate dies, is the humans caught in their grief start to act ‘strange’ as well. They interpret the change in the humans as a ‘loss’ as well which increases their own grief and anxiety. You have to put a ‘normal’ face on for Toby, treat him and your old cat lady as they have always has been treated. I would also say, in all honesty, I think grief counselling will be of enormous help. You’ve lost a family member and getting all the help you can to get through it is the wisest and most loving thing to do.
Good luck and I hope, one day, your heart will heal so you will give other cats the wonderful life you give to your current tribe :)
Sad: I’m so sorry for your loss. This kind of thing can be really hard to deal with, so give yourself a break. I would agree that you might want to talk to your vet about a recommendation for someone to talk with who would be understanding.
I’m not sure if this is feasible, but can you fence your yard in a way that the cats can be outdoors in the yard, but not leave it? I know cats can jump pretty high, but a 7 or 8 foot high plank fence might keep them in, but give them the chance to be outside safely (or at least more so).
@Sad – Completely echo the advice of others who have loved and lost here. While my cat is 100% indoor, I know many kitties love the outdoors too, so I urge you to find a good compromise on that front. As for getting another one, you’ll know when you’re ready. Don’t decide against it now. Some people (my mom, for example) cannot go more than a couple weeks (I think she made it a month after my childhood cat died before she adopted another one, she was so lonely for a kitty), but sometimes it takes a year or more (my dad waited nearly two years to get a dog after my childhood dog died, he couldn’t really look at puppies without getting a little sad faced).
@Jon – same comment as Anna… most sincere condolences on your loss, and LOL at the disclaimer.
Sad: I’d like to chime in with support for what some of the other posters are saying, about harnesses, well-enclosed spaces, electronic fences*, etc. You said, “I would always get mad when people would say cats should be kept indoors, and I would say your kids would be safer if you kept them inside too, but certainly not happier.”
This may be true, but keep in mind that responsible parents don’t let their toddlers play outside unsupervised. By the time kids are old enough to play outside without mom or dad standing guard nearby, they’ve learned all about things like crossing streets safely, bad men in vans with candy, going into other people’s houses, staying away from the abandoned well, etc.
I sometimes think my five cats are smarter and more obedient than my 15 year old son, but they’re cats. The essence of catness is “I’ll do as I please, thank you,” and without someone right there to spray the water bottle or clap their hands, or chase off the coyote, even the smartest and most street-savvy cat may get into situations s/he can’t handle.
Whether you find contentment with your two remaining cats, or get a new one – or two – I think it’ll ease your mind to know in the future that your cats are living the best of both worlds – able to go outside, but safe from predators, disease, and the risks of being a small furry person in a big motorized world.
I also agree with Jennifer’s concern for *your* well-being – this has obviously upset you deeply, and I hope you make time to take care of yourself and talk to someone who can help as you grieve.
*These are not always foolproof, for the record, and some owners may feel they’re cruel. (They deliver a small shock via a special collar when the cat crosses a predetermined boundary. Some cats may learn to tolerate the shock, others may learn to ditch the collar.)
Sheep: “These people are rarely in my house and likely wouldn’t notice, but I do feel like I’m throwing away something that was a gift or possibly even an olive branch.”
Consider that the gift or olive branch was not the physical urn and ashes, but the act of giving it to you. I mean, if someone gives you a box of chocolates, you’re going to eat them, and that’s not disrespectful, right? The “giftness” lingers after the chocolates are gone. (Please don’t eat the ashes, though.)
If you’re worried that they might one day ask about the urn and raise a ruckus if you’ve disposed of it or buried it, perhaps you could explain your situation to the cremation provider (I’m sure they’ll understand, and unless they’re owned by a family member can probably be relied upon for discretion) and seeing if there’s a way they can remove the ashes and clean/reseal the container. (Or sell you an exact, untouched-by-ashes, duplicate.) The symbol remains, the human bits are gone, the rest of the family’s none the wiser when they see it on the mantel.
If Grandpa did specify that you should get an urn, he probably thought it would be a positive, “in fond memory” type of thing. I don’t think he would intend for you to be skeeved out, so by adjusting the situation to your comfort, you’re actually honoring the intent of his wishes.
EW: I second McTwin’s suggestion of going directly to management rather than a staff member, if for no other reason than that the managers will (presumeably) know better both their responsibilities to you and what sort of thing(s) they could and couldn’t say to Mr Stinky. Managers tend to be better trained in conflict resolution, procedures around confrontations, etc. than lower-level employees. In addition, managers are usually less vulnerable to disciplinary action (rightly or wrongly); the last thing you’d want is for a staff member to get in trouble for handling it badly, and that’s less likely to occur if a manager handles it than if an employee does.
@ Michele, I think Grainger means you don’t get out of bed and roll to the gym while skipping the shower. I’ve done that myself, but when doing something like that I use my discretion… If I’m going to the gym around a time that I expect will not be crowded (i.e. before 6 AM, or late at night on weekend… true fact: 7 PM on a weekend night means you can have most gyms for yourself), I won’t bother about B.O., but any other time during the day (my gym having a mix of the stay at home/recently laid-off crowd, and the office crowd) I make sure I’ve at at least a morning shower. =P
@ Sad,
I agree with Jennifer. Sounds like you need to talk to someone about the loss. Most trained therapists will listen to you and validate your grief: this is a loss, and you had that cat longer than you were married. In a way, it sounds like you’re not just coping with the loss of your kitty, but also with the loss of who you were before all this (getting married, getting a house, etc.). You might even find a therapist who loves cats like you do (mine does, and totally understands that my cats are like four legged, temperamental toddlers to me).
Letting your cat outdoors VERY safely:
in California, 2 of my neighbors did what i thought was fabulous. One made an above ground thing that at first i thought was for a miniature train. In fact, it was a large tube that wound around the outside edges of the house and through a few trees, then back into the house through a small window. The tube was not open at any point outside the house.
Another neighbor fenced in the back patio – to 8 or 9 feet high, including a see-though wire top. the top guarantees that the fence IS high enough.
@Ew: I had a similar situation at the Y I go to. This one dude sweated so much he left lakes on all the equipment he used. And I mean an inch puddled in the seats along with soaked handles! He carried a towel, but it was sopping wet and dripped sweat everywhere as he went from machine to machine. I suffered in silence, mopping up after him, until one day he got up from the stretch mat, leaving an inland sea behind. This other girl and I were trying to sop it up with paper towels and grimacing, when I had a brainwave and said, “Hey! Why don’t we report it to the staff?”
We did, and never saw the guy again. I’m guessing he was confronted, and got so offended he left!
@Sad Lady, I’m so sorry for your loss of Jaiden. I know all too well how bad it hurts to lose a beloved pet. I’ll echo those who say, give it time, and be open to adopting another cat eventually. The dynamics between Toby and Old Lady will be shifting as a result of Jaiden’s death, so be sure to give them some time to adjust and work out their new relationship. Then, if you want to, you can think about adding a new cat to the mix. As for the outdoor/indoor debate, I always argue strongly on the side of Indoors Only Forever No Exceptions, but it _is_ an ongoing debate. I would agree with Vic and Cyntada that the enclosure idea might be a good compromise, as long as it’s an enclosure that is truly enclosed – over the top – because most cats can climb over any kind of fence. And I wouldn’t tie a cat out in the yard because 1) I know someone whose cats hung themselves by climbing the tree they were tied to and dropping/jumping/falling off to the ends of their ropes, with fatal results, and 2) being tied out makes the cat more vulnerable to another predator if one should happen to trespass into the yard. Walking the cat on a harness and leash is OK if you can invest the time, but still leaves the cat vulnerable to parasites and infections that would not be so readily acquired indoors. My dad used to let his cat Duzy Batz out in the patio and yard, but since Duzy came to live with me and the Three Bad Barn Cats, the incredible Mr. Batz is strictly indoors, and none the worse for it.
@ Sad – I recently lost my 11-year-old cat, Cloudy. I have – had – three cats, but Cloudy was my baby. If I had been paying closer attention, I would have seen that something was wrong much sooner. In November, over the Thanksgiving break, I finally realized something was very wrong and got him to the vet, but it was too late. He was in full kidney failure. The vets did all they could but it very quickly became evident that we were just prolonging his suffering.
I’m grateful that I had a little more time with him after he got sick. I’m grateful that my mom’s generosity in loaning me the funds to pay the vet allowed me to do everything possible for him. And I’m grateful for the fact that from the day I first met him, he was loved.
I’m very sorry for your loss & wish you the best in getting through this. Believe me, Jaiden was happy and loved, and in the end, that’s all we can give them – “time and unforeseen occurance befall us all.”
For the cat lady – just wanted to say sorry for your loss. Also, growing up, we had 2 indoor-outdoor cats who both lived to the age of 20, so being outside doesn’t necessarily shorten their lifespan, although, as Sars points out, it certainly ups the probablility that something bad can happen.
For the woman with the stinky gym situation… defintiely speak to the gym staff. There was a woman at my gym who came in absolutely reeking of perfume (at 7AM!!! With full makeup! WTF!!) and a few of us spoke to the staff. Not sure if they spoke with her, but the perfume situation has been resolved!
@meltina That’s exactly what I thought Grainger meant and I still don’t understand the problem! I’m suddenly afraid that I’ve been breaking some sort of gym code for years. I always skip my morning shower if all I’m doing is going straight to the gym, working up a sweat, and then showering and getting ready for the day. I put on deoderant before I head to the gym, of course, and freshly washed gym clothes, and I don’t think I stink or am offending anyone with my smell. My boyfriend/various relatives/friends have been with me at the gym and no one has ever mentioned I smell, and at least a few of them are honest enough with me that they would definitely have mentioned it. Do people really wake up, shower, go to the gym, and shower again? Isn’t that a waste of water? My skin and hair is so dry that it couldn’t take that even if I wanted to do it! Do people really get so dirty/smelly over the course of a day and a night of sleeping that they absolutely must shower before even leaving the house?
@Michelle: “Am I supposed to get up, shower, work out, and then shower again?”
For me, yeah, that’s what would be necessary. Or I could just go to the gym _after_ work, which is what I do now.
@Sad: This line, “But part of me wonders if I should just keep my two and just never get another animal again. I know I have given my pets a good life, but now that’s gone” struck a note with me. My husband and I lost a cat, SEVERAL years ago, and sometimes it still hurts to think about him. It wasn’t just that we lost him, but because we lost him in such an awful way. He had a heart-attack, and it was like he had a violent seizure, followed by complete paralysis. It was all over before we reached the emergency vet, and sometimes it feels like the WAY he died canceled out the rest of his life. It sounds so morbid, but sometimes I feel guilty about just having him as a pet, as if giving him a good life was somehow setting him up for his eventual death. It feels like the fact that pets eventually pass away is somehow my responsiblity.
Gah, I’m probably not explaining this right at all. What I keep telling myself is that, human-like personalities aside, I really don’t believe that animals sit around and reflect on their life, or wonder how they could have a more fulfilling life that’s more than just eating and sleeping. And I don’t think that when they pass away, violently or otherwise, that they have black thoughts about the strange human creatures who should have done *this* or *that* differently. I do think they love us, but unconditionally and without fretting that we should be better (other than the usual “No, you’re supposed to feed me NOW. Never mind that it’s 3 in the morning.”). Cats will live and die, regardless of what any of us can do, and I think that they can sense that they are loved just by the lengths we go to in order to make their lives comfortable and fun.
@Sad
I, too, am very sorry for your loss. I had to give away the first kitty I had since moving out of mom & dad’s house not quite a year ago due to his indoor potty issues. He now lives happily as an outdoor cat in the country, but when I gave him away, it felt like he died. I hated not being able to explain things to him and felt like he probably thought I didn’t love him any more. I sobbed all the way home. I still can’t think of him without getting a little teary.
Two weeks ago we just got another kitty to keep our 2nd kitty company, and it’s a great feeling. Kinda feels like our family is whole again. I agree that you should give yourself time, but I’m sure you’d do well getting another kitty down the road.
@Robin
Duzy Batz and the Three Bad Barn Cats would be a hysterical name for a band!
@Sad: I struggled with the decision to even post this- but I felt I had to reply. Sar’s advice is, as usual, spot on. We lost our beloved 3-year-old cat four months ago in a horrible accident. Her favorite perch was the bathroom window overlooking the yard, and she somehow managed to loosen the venetian blind cord from its tied-up state and strangle herself on it. I can only echo your grief, but as others have said it does get better eventually. Not to say I don’t well up at least once a day thinking about her, but I am at the point where I’m open to the idea of adopting again. In fact, we just put in an application to adopt a mama cat and one of her babies, so hopefully there will be some furball antics around the house soon. You won’t forget Jaiden, but you have to let other cats into your life, there are just too many out there that need a family.
Just to clarify: I meant “…cats on a leash with supervision“. Robin is exactly right that cats can find plenty of ways to get into trouble when you’re standing right there, never mind if you’re out of the area.
It’s also worth considering how your cat behaves when frightened. Someone turned on a vacuum cleaner when we were training our cat to wear the harness – she was new and her previous family didn’t tell us she was terrified of vacuums! She got out of the harness and vanished in a flash. Thankfully she was inside and the doors were closed at the time.
If I’m too busy or distracted to supervise, she can’t go out. If the trash truck or UPS truck is due, they scare the crap out of her and we don’t go out then, either.
I used to shudder every time a former neighbor of mine would tie his kitten out in the front yard and go back inside to watch TV. Always reminded me of that dinosaur-bait goat in Jurassic Park.
I think everyone’s giving Sad great advice but I have one question.
Where do all of you find these cats who wear harnesses like they’re dogs?
If I even attempt a harness, the Hat becomes the Jell-O, and there’s no going anywhere, indoor or out. You could cut the melodrama with a knife. The WEIGHT of this 2-ounce strap of nylon, it is keeeeeling me, I am so squished, and oppressed, it is so HEAVY. It’s amusing, but it’s really not worth the struggle to have to drag him around like a pull-toy on the off chance he’ll get excited about some grass.
Michele, I tend to think the same way you do. If I’m going to exercise in the morning, I save my shower for afterwards. I don’t _look_ my best with no shower, but I also don’t look my best when I’m exercising. I think fresh clothes and deodorant suffice to keep me under the legal odor level. There’s got to be something between “awfully smelly” and “bloodhounds couldn’t find me.”
Emerson and Michele, me too. I would get up, brush the hair, put hair in ponytail, realize fins are rising from my head, re-put hair in ponytail, see a giant hunk of hair hanging down from the back, swear violently, re-put hair in ponytail accompanied by threats (You think I WON’T HACK YOU OFF?? JUST TRY ME, LITTLE MISSY”) don sweats and head out the door. I can’t fathom having to shower, wash my hair, dry it, enact my Ponytail In One Act drama, head to the gym, and than repeat an hour later. I’d spend three times as much time just performing abloutions than actually exercising.
@Emerson and Michele – I concur. If the gym is my first stop of the day, I’ll work out and then shower. Deodorant and clean clothes usually are sufficient. I mean, its the gym, people should be a little sweaty, right? (Not to the excess that Ew has encountered.) To me, its a little silly to shower, work out, and then shower again. Especially if you then shower at night – that’s like 3 showers a day! The ONLY time I shower pre-workout (except for swimming) is when I’m running a race – I like a warm shower in the morning to wake me up before a long race. So I ask – is there some unwritten rule about this? ‘Cause everyone I know rolls out of bed and works out before they shower, not the other way around.
Rbelle, I think it’s something you have to train them into from kittenhood. Ours took happily to the leash when she was little, and later when we were more comfortable with the neighborhood and transitioned her to being indoor-outdoor, she developed the adorable habit of still following us around everywhere. Now she’ll take walks to the mailbox (at her “stop and sniff every car” pace, of course), and always comes down to the parking lot to greet us when we come home.
And Sad, I feel for you so much — our cat was hit by a car and when it didn’t look like she was going to make it, I could hardly even get through the days. On the flip side, when she did eventually recover (from a head wound! and blindness! and half-paralysis! cats are weird…) we thought we’d keep her inside forever, but she was just too miserable. Finally we decided it was worth risking the heartbreak again to keep her happy, for however long. And hey, she’s terrified of cars now, and much friendlier and likely to stick close to the apartment.
Cats+harnesses=your mileage may vary. Tried it once on my childhood calico cat and she became a pissy pancake. Birdie just happens to be One Of Those Cats who does harnesses. But then, she *looks* like a Turkish Van, and they are known for being doglike and harness-friendly as a breed.
She’ll stand still while I slip the harness over her head, then pick her leg up and poke it into place. To my knowledge her former family never used one for her, so she learned it as an adult. She will run at heel like a dog inside the warehouse, but only because 1) she normally runs loose in there, so it’s all Her Territory and 2) she runs after me all the time anyway. If she does not want to go, she does not go, and I will hit the end of the leash with a 12 pound immovable dead weight on it.
There’s no such thing as walking her like a dog outside. She expects to wander where she pleases and I am to heel on a loose lead! Going anywhere fast means picking her up.