I don’t know if I’m writing this more as a question or for therapy. All I know is life does not seem right and I’m not sure what right is anymore.

I’ve had three cats — my oldest is 11 years old, I have a four-year-old, and just recently lost a five-year-old. For most of my time with them I lived in an apartment, so they were indoor cats because they had nowhere they could go outside. I did always dream, though, of someday owning a house with a yard for my older cat to go outside in. I love my pets, they are like my family, and have always fed and cared for them very well. And damn, life was good.

My husband and I got married two years ago. He loved the cats, but did get into it with our boy cat since Toby was peeing on Husband’s clothes. Things got much better since we moved into a house, though. The cats have an area in the basement about the size of our living room and dining room. Due to Husband’s allergies and cat box problems (peeing, destroying furniture), we decided that keeping them in their area would be best for the sanity of our family. This didn’t bother me, though, since they had such a big area and we have a nice-sized yard.

The cats absolutely thrived being indoor/outdoor cats. We would let them in and out throughout the day and keep them in at night. Every morning I would go downstairs and the two youngest cats would be crying at the door to go out, and every night when I called them they would run back inside. I would always get mad when people would say cats should be kept indoors, and I would say your kids would be safer if you kept them inside too, but certainly not happier.

I have gotten so much joy out of watching my cats be so happy, and life seemed to be so good until last week. Unfortunately, the unthinkable happened and my five-year-old, Jaiden, did not come home. She was definitely the explorer of the group, and often would take time, 15 to 20 minutes, to come in when called, so we knew she was wandering further and further.

What an awful nightmare it was finding her gone in the road. It is tragic and terrible. What haunted me too, was that she was on her way home because she was headed in our direction. We are devastated and both my husband and I have said we have never gone through something like this before.

I don’t regret letting her outside because I know she absolutely loved it. She was always an extremely anxious cat, but when she got to run outside it seemed like her anxiety just melted away. She loved her life and I do not regret a second of it. And I do believe she was the happiest for the last year of her life since we lived in this house. But the pain is unbearable.

I worry about the other cats but I don’t think they wander like she did. My oldest definitely stays right by the house, and Toby likes to go in the woods by our house but they always seem to be pretty close by. I definitely think it would be cruel in our situation to keep them indoors (they are used to being outdoors and do not have a run of the house).

We really feel bad for Toby though. I know he misses Jaiden and he is a very social cat. He is the kind of cat who will go up and snuggle another cat with his head. My oldest cat is an old lady though and prefers to be to herself. Plus, I think Toby pretty much annoys her. We have talked about possibly getting another cat at some point in order for Toby to have a companion/playmate. It just makes us even more sad to see him so lonely.

But part of me wonders if I should just keep my two and just never get another animal again. I know I have given my pets a good life, but now that’s gone. I have gotten so much joy out of seeing them so happy and now it seems like things will never be happy for us again.

I guess I just need a little perspective. Whether you run this in The Vine or not, I don’t really care but it would be nice if you could respond. It seems like it is hard to find people who understand, and I feel like you maybe would. Plus, I remember you saying you’ve had indoor/outdoor cats. It seems like all you hear is the debate to keep the cats locked inside and they will be fine (though not necessarily healthier or happier).

So, what would you suggest? Looking into eventually getting your buddy a companion or do the best with what I’ve got and forget being able to be an owner to any other animals? And any advice for how to move on from this awful situation?

Sad Lady

Dear Sad,

I’ll take the second part of your question first: you give it time.You acknowledge that a portion of your grief is guilt, justified or not, and another portion — which is, in a way, particular to grieving animal family — is that you feel unsure whether Jaiden knew how much you cared for her and wanted her to live as happily as she could.

It’s difficult with animals, because they don’t communicate the same way we do, and you want to believe that they understand “I love you” and “I’m sorry we have to go in the car,” but since they don’t seem to understand “stop that” or “get down”…I’m joking, but you know what I mean.You just have to believe that she knew you loved her, and hope that she didn’t suffer.

And then, you know, you sit with the unhappiness, because a family member died.It’s not like you lost a bracelet; the devastation you feel is natural.It still sucks, but it’s not abnormal.You and your husband might consider having a little ceremony to remember Jaiden by, to help yourselves through it with a ritual.If you have her ashes, you could sprinkle them in a corner of your yard, say a few words, and plant a little tree or something.

The guilt is normal too, but you have to assess the cat’s quality of life indoors vs. outdoors.Outdoor cats do not tend to live as long; traffic, other animals, getting lost or bitten or stuck in trees, eating a carcass or licking antifreeze, catching diseases they wouldn’t get inside — there’s a long list of risk factors.Some people will argue vociferously that a cat should never go outside, and I can see the wisdom, but it depends on the cat.Some cats really love it and can fend for themselves; you have to use your judgment.

As far as getting another cat, same thing.You probably want to give Toby a few more weeks to adjust to the new two-cat order of things; if he’s still lonely after a while, look into adopting from a no-kill shelter.(Everyone always wants the kittens, but it’s great to re-home adult cats if they can integrate with the current herd.)Give it a little more time, then take a spin through Petfinder.com and see how you feel.If you can’t stop crying because of Jaiden, maybe it’s too soon…but maybe there’s a little calico who’s good with other pets that you’ll like the looks of.

What you’re going through is hard.You lost someone you love.Give yourself a break; it’ll get easier.

Hey Sars,

This one is sort of weird and specific, and I don’t know how many folks find themselves in this exact situation, but if anyone can offer some good advice/suggestions, it’s you and the TN readership.Ready?

The backstory: I am an only child, well into adulthood, of divorced parents.Even when my parents were together, I was much closer to my mom and her side of the family.I don’t get along especially well with any of them, including my dad, and consequently opt not to spend much time with them.There’s been nastiness over the years, ranging from the subtle to the very overt to the just weird.I wouldn’t say we’re estranged, but certainly closer to that side of the spectrum than not.

The specifics aren’t interesting, unique, or important, but the years of distance and general bad feelings all around are.My daughter was the first child of her generation, and this changed things a little bit for the better, but efforts have been pretty token on both sides.

So anyway, my grandfather (Dad’s dad) recently died.It wasn’t unexpected, and frankly a mercy given his health.He chose cremation, followed by interment.Then, at the cemetery, all the kids and grandkids were presented with a small personal urn of his remains.

Now, I understand and respect that everyone grieves differently, and if my family finds such a thing helpful then they should certainly have it.But my reaction?Is slightly horrified.I just don’t want human remains in my house.I can’t get over my base horror of it.I’m probably especially sensitive on the subject due to a really traumatic viewing in my teens, but I don’t deal well with the physical aspects of death.Irrational, maybe, but that’s where I am.

So the question is, what can I do?I seriously can’t deal with having Grandpa in the house.The urn is presently in the garage, but that seems really disrespectful to me as a long-term solution.For karmic and legal reasons, throwing it in the dumpster is right out.

I’ve researched legal ways to scatter the ashes (and yes, I do realize what scattered ashes look like, that I can deal with or work around), but I feel really guilty about that.I mean, someone wanted me to have this.Someone, or several someones, thought they were including me in the family, in a nice way.These people are rarely in my house and likely wouldn’t notice, but I do feel like I’m throwing away something that was a gift or possibly even an olive branch.

I don’t know if having these urns was part of Grandpa’s wishes, but I’d be surprised, given his general personality, if he’d left something like this to chance.He was pretty specific about the rest of the service.My daughter is three and won’t remember him, so legacy concerns really aren’t.

So, to keep, to scatter, any thoughts?Any brilliant third option I hadn’t considered?I’m a lazy and sporadic Lutheran, so I don’t have any real guidance that way.

Once the black sheep, always the black sheep

Dear Sheep,

Someone wanted you to have the ashes, yes, but you don’t say that that someone — your grandfather, an aunt or uncle, whoever — specified that you had to have have them, as in keep them always and forever.Presumably, the idea is that you do something with them that has meaning for you, whether that’s keeping them on the mantel, scattering them, or stashing them in a safety deposit box that you never check.

You weren’t close with the man, you aren’t close with anyone else on that side of the family, and you weren’t given explicit instructions as to their administration or I assume you’d have mentioned it.They’re for you to deal with as you see fit, so find a nice little corner of a park, get the proper permissions, read a poem you think he’d have appreciated, and feel good about it.

Hi Sars,

A year ago I joined a gym that is run by the park district in our small-ish suburban town.I got myself into a routine and use the elliptical machine just about every day.I have a small window of time that I can do this in between working and kids, life, whatever.

Unfortunately, I’m not the only one with a set schedule. Every Monday and Wednesday there is a guy there who reeks so badly that I actually gag.I have learned to be very careful about what machine I’m signing up for, but sometimes it is crowded and I don’t have a lot of choice. Or he gets there a few minutes after I start. The bottom line is that if I end up within 25 feet of Mr. Stinkypants, I have to work out holding my towel up over my nose.

I have noticed that he always wears the exact same sweat pants and t-shirt, and I suspect he never washes these items or he would possibly be less rank.I’ve thought of saying something to the staff, or even trying to hand him a note, but that seems really bitchy. I don’t smell like roses after a workout either, but I do wear fresh clothes every day and I wish there were a way I could convey this bit of hygiene to him without causing him embarrassment, or hurting his feelings.Any thoughts, oh wise Sars?

No…really…EW!

Dear Ew,

You have three choices:

1) Take a staffer aside and ask that s/he deal with it. “Listen, I feel bad bringing this up, I don’t want to be a baby, but there’s a member who” et cetera et cetera “beyond the normal scope of workout-sweat odor” blah.Mention that you don’t love putting the staffer in this position, but you don’t know what else to do; ask what happens next.

I’m betting the answer is “not much,” as this is likely beyond the scope of their job descriptions, but you can try it.

2) Leave a note — not a bitchy one, but a regretful, “I’m sure you’re unaware of this, but I have to urge you in the strongest possible terms to launder your workout clothes between visits, because you’re creating an unpleasant environment”-type note.Again, though, it’s hard to say how effective that would be.I would be horrified to receive such a note, but…I would wash my sweatpants, so I can’t really predict how he’ll react.It might light a fire (fueled by Febreze) under him; it might just get his back up.

3) Rearrange your schedule for at least a couple of the days you tend to cross paths with El Stinko.Yes, it’s a pain and you shouldn’t “have to,” but on the plus side, you know when he tends to use the gym, so at least that part of it is predictable — and honestly, I think it’s the only one of the three options that’s going to solve the problem.

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