Hello, Sars.

I have written to you before, and maybe my woes weren’t significant enough to print before, but I can really use some advice today.

I moved across the country from big city to small city almost two years ago. I work nights and weekends and have met almost no people outside of this industry. When I started the job, there were a lot of singles, and we hung out together. Slowly everyone paired off into couples (I started dating Mike), and then we no longer have this clan of pals. I have dated Mike for a year, we argue all the time, and three days ago he broke up with me.

I love him dearly and I am terribly sad, of course, but also realize this is a good thing (because we’re just plain not right for each other). It was in the works for several months, I just didn’t have the guts to do the axeing because being part of his life WAS my life.
He is wealthy and popular, and I had something to do all the time and someone to count on. We agreed to work on a friendship, but that will certainly be difficult because there have been so many emotions in our relationship. And, of course, I won’t be his top priority now, so I can’t count on him to provide me with activity.

Really, my question is, “Now what?” I am cute and outgoing and smart, and I am not really SCARED of what happens in my life, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t love my job, but I like this town, and my career path may ONE DAY lead to a job I really want. All of my family is 3000 miles away and I have two friends (both in serious, time-consuming relationships) in this town. Should I suck it up keep the job and “go out and meet new people” even though my job makes it nearly impossible, or give up and move back with my parents? Or is there another option I can’t see?

Thanks,
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

One quick administrative note here before I get to the advice: I don’t not print letters because I consider them “insignificant.” I don’t print a letter for one of three reasons: 1) it’s not signed; 2) it doesn’t have any capital letters in it; or 3) I just haven’t gotten to it yet. I have a backlog of letters from May of last year, and I try to whittle it down where I can, but if I haven’t answered it, it’s not because I think it’s stupid.

Now, the advice. You broke up with Mike three days ago. It’s not a good time to make a bunch of major life decisions, because you have zero perspective right now. Give it a little time. Sulk. Weep. Go to work. Come home. See how it’s going in a month, or two months, and then see if you want to stick it out where you are or move on, but don’t think you have to make a change now. The change already got made, but it’s barely taken effect yet. Let it lie for a little while.

Hi, Sars —

I read your discussion of the Oxford comma and really appreciated it,
as that’s something that’s always bothered me. I have my own grammar-type
question for you, regarding an area that’s always been ambiguous to me as
well.

I work in a regulated industry and deal with documents called
Standard Operating Procedures or SOP’s. When describing a single SOP, is
it appropriate to write “a SOP” (as would be correct for “a Standard…”)
or “an SOP” (as would follow for the “ess” sound)?

Thanks for your help.

Not Just Looking For More TN Magnets

Dear Magnets,

Hmm. My first instinct is that “an SOP” looks and sounds, to my “reading ear,” better. But Garner knows best, and while he doesn’t address directly the indefinite article that precedes an “ess” sound, he does use a similar example, to wit: “[A]n SEC filing.”

“An SOP” is correct. I also prefer “SOPs” to “SOP’s,” since “SOP’s” indicates a possessive to me, but I don’t know that “SOP’s” is wrong for sure.

Hey Sars,

I have an ethical question to put before you. Last fall, I met this guy,
Tim, who was in a couple of my classes at the university I attend. I was
planning on taking a course the following semester which I knew he was
taking in the current semester. I asked if he would be interested in
selling me his textbook for the class. He said he’d rather not sell it
because he likes to keep all his textbooks, but that he’d be willing to
lend me the book while I was taking the class. That was fine with me, and
we made arrangements for him to drop off the book at the dorm where I lived
at the time after his final exam. I was already gone for Christmas break by
the time he dropped it off, but my dorm had a front desk and he left it
there. I got the book no problem when I got back in January.

Ironically enough, I had decided over Christmas break to take a different
class instead of the one for which I was borrowing the book. So I tried to
get hold of Tim. That’s when I realized that I really had no way to reach
him. The only times I saw him was when we had class together, and he had
decided that after Christmas he was going to switch majors, so I didn’t
have any classes with him that semester. Everyone at my university is
automatically assigned an email address, but he had told me that he just
really didn’t like computers and never used email (that just about floored
me, but that’s not the point of this story). His phone number was unlisted
(or perhaps it was under his girlfriend’s name, whom he lived with, but I
didn’t know her name). A few of my friends were talking with Tim once, and
we asked where he lived, and he kind of laughed it off and refused to tell
us. If I’d known how important that information would be, I wouldn’t have
let it go!

We didn’t bother making arrangements to return the book, which I see in
hindsight was a really bad idea, but I knew that Tim knew where I lived and
how to get hold of me, so I just figured he’d come back for it at the end
of the semester. Exams rolled around, and I still hadn’t heard from him by
the time I had to move out of residence. Now I’m living in an apartment a
few blocks away, but he has no way of knowing that because we haven’t seen
each other since before Christmas. So I have no way of getting in touch with
him, and he has no way of getting in touch with me (although my phone number is
listed). It’s been eight months since he lent me the book, and four months
since it should have been returned.

Now for my actual question: Would it be
wrong of me to sell the book? I could easily get around $100 for it
(Canadian dollars, mind you), but that isn’t that small a sum for a poor
student. I know it’s not really mine, but I really see no prospect for
returning it, and it’s just going to sit on my shelf for years to come
without being used.

What say you, oh wise Sars?

Curious About Ethics In Canada

Dear Curious,

It’s not ethical to sell the book until you have tried every way you can to return it. Have you talked to mutual friends and asked if they know how you can reach him to return the book? Have you tried leaving a note for him at the department where he’s currently majoring, or put up a flyer? Have you contacted the registrar’s office, which would have his home information, and inquired about whether they can forward the book to him for you?

It might seem like he doesn’t care about the book since he hasn’t tried to get it back himself…but he made a point of saying that he likes to keep his textbooks, and the book belongs to him. Make one last-ditch effort to track him down before you sell it, and keep in mind that if you do end up selling the book and then he comes around wanting it back, you should turn the proceeds over to him.

Here’s an abbreviation question for you.

At the end of a letter, when you want to do a postscript, how is the “postscript” part written? All caps, all lowercase, periods, no periods?

This was killing us at work the other night.

Guido

Dear Guido,

Garner characterizes the abbreviation as “usually in capitals and with periods,” so, while I don’t think any format aside from “ps” is incorrect, “P.S.” is probably the standard.

Hi Sars,

My boyfriend Tom and I live in a nice rental house
with near perfect neighbors who live in the “back
house.” (I’m not sure if that’s a regional term, but
it means that there is a smaller dwelling behind ours
that rents out as an apartment). The neighbors have
lived here for several years and essentially arranged
for us to move in when the previous tenant moved out.
The neighborhood we live in is really desirable in a
town where real estate is extremely expensive, and
finding places to rent in our neighborhood that are
super-cheap like ours really only happens when someone
has an “in” with the landlords and recommends you
before the place even gets advertised. In a nutshell,
we lucked out.

Our neighbors are a couple, the same ages as we are.
Both the guys and the girl and I are all good friends.
We have lots of barbecues, small parties, and late-night talks on the patio we share. Most of us (with
the exception of Tom) believe in the value of not
having parties every night and not turning your house
into a stinking heap of beer bottles and overflowing
ashtrays. We jointly plan for and clean up after these
shindigs, and it all works out perfectly. We have a
really nice thing going on.

Recently, the opportunity has come up for the neighbors
to move out and buy a house of their own. I am really
happy for them, but now there is the issue of who
moves into the back house. Ideally, the landlords
would like for us to recommend someone we know, because
a.) they don’t have to advertise and b.) they have a
“reference” for the person moving in, i.e. someone who
knows them beyond the application. Tom has a brother
who is seven years younger than we are who he wants to
have move in. He has already told the brother about
the possible move-in; the brother is definitely
interested in the place and would most likely take it
if offered.

My problem? I don’t want the brother to move in. He’s
a nice guy and I like him, but he’s a
party person — much more so than any of us. He goes out
’til the wee hours most nights during the week. He’s
uses all sorts of recreational drugs, and in the time
I’ve known him (two years), he’s moved no less than five
times, breaking at least one lease along the way. The
back house does not have a washer and dryer (we do),
so I know he would want to do his laundry here on a
regular basis. I know him fairly well, and I know that
he doesn’t clean up after parties. (Tom also doesn’t
clean, but I let it slide, mainly because I have help
from the perfect neighbors.) Because Tom and the
brother have a lot of mutual friends, I feel like our
house would become party central, and I hate the very
thought.

Not only do I not want him living here, there is no
way I would recommend him to our landlords (our lease
is in my name, not Tom’s, so I am the one in contact
them). Aside from the occasional shindig, I like my
quiet time and my privacy, which I get from my
neighbors now. I feel like all of that would be lost
if the brother moved in. It’s not an issue of liking
or not liking him. I love my family, but I don’t want
them living ten feet away. Unfortunately, since Tom has
already told him about it, Brother keeps calling to ask the
status of the possible move-in. Nothing is certain yet,
and the landlords do not know our current neighbors
are moving out. After a long discussion that turned
into a hissyfit (on my part), Tom knows I don’t want
the brother to move in. Tom is mad that I called his
brother “irresponsible,” and feels I insulted a family
member, which hurts him. I feel like I’m not taking
sides against the brother PERSONALLY, but that in all
practicality, I couldn’t live with him being our
back-door neighbor.

I know that I could probably sit down with the brother
and iron out some “ground rules” by putting all my
concerns on the table. The problem with that is that I
feel like it would probably take two weeks ’til all
that was “forgotten” and everything I dread would
start to happen. I also feel like I would not get a
lot of support from Tom on the issue because, in a lot
of ways, he’s a lot like his brother. When it’s just
us, he mostly curbs his behavior and I can handle it.
If the brother came to live next door, I think he’d
start living the same lifestyle, which would cause
problems in our relationship.

Because Brother already knows about the place, I
can’t just not tell him anymore about it and hope the
issue goes away. Yet, I also feel that if I set my foot
down and flat-out tell him to his face that I don’t
want him to move in, I’d be ruining a relationship
with someone I do like and care about (plus, have to
see all the time since he’s a family member). It seems
like there’s no way to air my views without being the
evil bitch. On the other hand, if the brother does
move in, I feel like I’d be angry and resentful all
the time, which is not how I want to live.

I’m in a quandary here and I’m not sure how to handle
it. What would you do?

Likes Things How They Are

Dear Things,

Before you do anything, talk to Tom again and tell him everything you just told me. Explain calmly and clearly that it’s not about liking Brother; it’s about the fact that it’s your name on the lease, and that you have better things to do than playing hall monitor to Brother in order to maintain a good relationship with the landlords, so you can’t recommend him to move in. Tom can like it or not — and he won’t like it — but if you really feel that Brother moving into the back house is a bad idea, stick to your guns. Don’t give in all “okay, but he’s your responsibility” or “okay, but I want certain rules in place,” because the enforcement will fall to you. Loving your family doesn’t mean you can live with them peacefully, and if Tom doesn’t get that, too bad.

Ask Tom how he wants to handle it with Brother. You can offer to speak to Brother yourself; you can ask Tom if he’d prefer that you come up with an unproveable white lie, or that you tell Brother the truth about why you can’t put a word in for him with the landlords, but make it plain that you want Brother told the back house is no longer an option for him, now, today.

It’s an uncomfortable situation, but negging Brother now is going to save you a lot of trouble in the long run. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

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