The Vine: January 22, 2002
Dear Sars,
I have been friends with this girl for quite a few years now; she considers me her best friend, but lately I find that I cannot stand being around her. The problem is, she is in her final year of university; she has a guy, a job, and other friends. I on the other hand have none of these things. I recently flunked out of university for the second time, am having a hard time finding a job, and have basically no other close friends. However, when I am around her, all she does is complain about her life. About uni, her boyfriend, her job, et cetera — you get the point. She’s always been a moaner but in the past it never really bothered me. At first I thought I was just jealous of her life and that’s what was bothering me, and that’s still partly true, but now I think all her moaning is just insensitive. I know her life isn’t perfect, but come on; she complains constantly about all the things I desperately want.
I’ve just let these feelings fester, and it’s gotten to the point now where I just can’t stand her and I don’t want to be around her ever again. Whenever I have seen her, I end up feeling really depressed and hating myself. It’s almost like she has become this symbol of everything that is wrong with my life, if that makes any sense. I can’t talk to her about the way I feel because I will just end up taking out all my anger on her and probably hurting her a lot.
I feel selfish and horrible and guilty, but I can’t be a good friend to her anymore. I just can’t deal with her problems as well as my own. Basically I just want her to go away, but how do I end this friendship? Should I end it? I mean, let’s face it — I have no other close friends. I don’t think she’s going to let me just slip out of her life because we have been so close in the past, and telling her I no longer like her isn’t the way I’d like to do it either.
Thanks,
S
Dear S,
You should have told her long ago that you found her constant complaints draining, but you didn’t. Now you’ve decided that it’s long past the point where talking would solve anything, but you don’t think she’ll “let you” phase her out of your life, and you won’t even speak frankly to her about ending the friendship. You won’t take any steps in any direction to change the situation, basically, so…what do you want me to tell you to do? You won’t “do” anything! It’s apparent to me that you don’t “do,” as a general rule. You “are done to.”
So, here’s what you do. Continue to flutter your hands all “woe is me” and moan about how your life is worse than hers — because you do exactly what you accuse her of doing, and don’t think you don’t — and wait for lightning or a cyclone or some other deus ex machina to get you out of the situation. Keep letting passivity and inertia rule your work and relationships. Pity yourself. Let life wash over you like a wave; don’t even bother spitting the water out.
No, not really. I don’t usually take pages from the “you’re just not trying” book of advice-giving, but…come on. You know you have to talk to your friend one way or the other. Do it already.
Dear Sars,
I’m looking for another opinion on a little moral issue that’s causing some trouble at the moment, and I hope your excellent advice can help.
I have a good friend (call him “Tom”) who I’ve known since we started university two years ago. Tom has been single for all of this time, but this year he has embarked on what I consider to be a desperate search for a girlfriend. In the last four weeks, he has expressed a serious interest in eight different women, to the extent of asking them out for dates and trying to go further with at least half of them.
Up to this point, I know that what Tom does is up to him and none of my business. There is, however, a “but”…
Recently, a few mutual friends have passed comments about his antics — nothing nasty, but derogatory nonetheless. I don’t know if Tom knows that people are losing respect for him now that he’s showing he wants to get together with anybody, rather than somebody in particular. I feel I should tell him since he’s a good friend, but I know he will take it as direct criticism and demand to know who said what, and I’m not going to betray the trust of these mutual friends. Should I let him find out for himself when things get worse and he starts losing the respect of other close friends, or should I tell him and risk the consequences? If I should tell him, how?
Sans Alias
Dear Sans,
If you have something to say to Tom, say it yourself; don’t “report” what others have said. Your friends can tell him to his face if they want him to know what they think. Don’t play the go-between here.
There’s no nice way to tell a friend that his behavior makes him look desperate, but if he’s damaging himself enough socially, you might feel that you have to intervene. If that’s the case, don’t “tell” him anything; ask him questions about his behavior instead: “How come you want a girlfriend so badly?” “What’s with the full-court press? Does that work?” Don’t attack him. Just talk to him. Try to get him to think on his own about why he’s all fox-in-the-henhouse these days.
But if you decide not to talk to him, that’s okay too — and to tell you the truth, talking to him probably won’t do much good in the first place. Sometimes, people have to come to these things by themselves.
Tags: friendships
