I am a copy editor, and I would like to weigh in on your advice to Magnets. You are correct; “an” is used to fill in a consonant between vowels when spoken (“an ess-oh-pee” versus “a ess-oh-pee”). It gets complicated if the standard pronunciation changes to pronouncing the acronym as a word instead of spelling it out, but basically, you are right.

You are also right about “SOPs” versus “SOP’s.” The ONLY time I have seen a style guide advocate the use of an apostrophe after a capital letter is in the AP guide. It is used after single letters. For example: “I got three C’s on my report card.” As a rule, unless it is possessive, leave the apostrophe out. This applies to numerals as well.

“Several SOP’s are in progress”? Wrong. “Meet 100’s of hot girls”? Wrong. Seriously, people, stop it. You’re (not your) causing me pain.

Grammar Princess

I have a problem that isn’t so much my own as it is my friend’s. Usually, I’d just talk to one of my other friends or family members about it, but I think this one could use an outside, objective opinion and some anonymity, due to confidentiality reasons. So, here goes…

One of my best friends, “Laura,” was hospitalized this past week for depression. I’ve dealt with depression myself, and I know what she’s going though, so empathy isn’t a problem. What I’d like to know is: What do you say to someone who is scared of the judgment of others? (We’re both juniors in high school, kids can be cruel, blah de blah blah.) How do you tell someone that it’ll be all right, when you both know that it might not be, in the long run? She’s scared, and feeling rather alone, I think, as aside from her family, I’m the only one of her friends that she has told. I want to be able to help her, but I don’t know what to say, or how to say it.

I know from experience that walking on eggshells with someone who is already feeling “different” isn’t the way to go, but is there anything I should avoid saying? (I know not to make inane jokes about mental illnesses, that’s not my question.) Generally, I’d just like to know what you’d say if you were in my position. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Kathryn

I have another “I think I should butt out” situation, which I have gotten
varying degrees of advice on from family members and other friends who know
those involved…so let’s hear your take.

Two of my very best friends (“Matt” and “Joan”) are getting married to each
other in six months, paying for it themselves, arranging everything. Since they are trying to be a bit frugal in paying for this event,
they have an A list and a B list of those to invite. The B list is made
up mostly of friends/acquantances of mine who only know Matt and Joan through
me, and would only be invited essentially because they are MY friends. Joan
is the kind of person who is unendingly grateful, and since I pretty much set
her and Matt up, she wants to be able to do anything to make the wedding fun
for me. (I have no date, and for some reason she thinks it’s criminal that I
should not be “worshipped” by someone, and wants to be able to surround me with
love and attention.) And they feel guilty because Matt used to be my
roommate…moved out to be with Joan, and I ended up with a
string of crappy roommates…but I was nothing but ecstatic for them and
totally stressed that their guilt was WAY misplaced and unnecessary. But with some
people…you just let them assuage their guilt and everyone gets on with
life.

Anyway, one woman in particular on the B list, “Rita,” I don’t really
consider a friend, but introduced her to my circle of friends three years ago and
she has made a nice little place for herself there. She wasn’t from the area
and I hate to think people don’t have friends, so I am always willing to
invite people out if they want to be social and don’t know where to start.
But, as I got to know Rita, I found that she is overbearing, judgmental, and
very obnoxiously self-centered…when we get together to “catch up,” all I
hear is stories about how great and wonderful her relationship is with her
boyfriend and blah blah blah. Not once does she ask about my
life or others who may be with us at that point. If any of us do mention
something about our lives, it is immediately put on the block for ridicule or
other comment…after all, “Wouldn’t we rather have a friend who tells the
truth instead of sugar-coating?”
Matt and Joan know how I feel about her, and have told me she is on the B list
and more than likely won’t be invited.

So…I spend an evening with Rita and another high school friend of mine
“catching up” when said high school friend (who have met Matt and Joan maybe a
dozen times) makes the assumption that she should pencil in the date for their
wedding so she can plan around it. I immediately pipe up with, “I don’t think
any of us should ASSUME we are going to the wedding…it is going to be very
small, they are paying for everything themselves and we should just wait to
see if we get invitations.” Rita nods wholeheartedly in agreement.

About a month later, I “catch up” with Rita again, and in the course of
chatting about who we have seen and blah blah, she asks if I know details
about where and when the wedding will be and suggests that I tell Joan to send
out a “Save the Date” email so everyone will know when and where…because
really, people have to make PLANS, you know! And Rita is planning on making
the wedding weekend a special little romantic weekend for her and the
boyfriend…checking in to the inn early, staying the whole weekend, et cetera. So
Joan should really be a bit more considerate of other people’s schedules by
letting everyone know the details!

At this point I mention that I am pretty sure everyone who
needs to know…knows. To which she responds, “You’re right, I’ll just have
to ask Joan when we go over to their house next month for the barbeque and
just get the details directly from her.”

Are you stunned? Because I was downright speechless. And now I am in a
quandary about my course of action.

1) Do I stay out of it and let Rita ambush Joan at the social gathering at
her house? (Note: Joan IS the kind of person who would plan her wedding around
other people’s schedules, would never want to hurt someone’s feelings, and if
asked outright, would invite anyone in the world if one of her friends wanted
her to.)
2) Do I give Joan the heads up that Rita is heading down this tacky and
forceful path?
3) Or do I say something directly TO Rita that she should butt out and wait
for an invitation, because I think it is rude to assume you will be invited to
someone’s wedding and completely out of line to insist on details so YOU can
make romantic weekend plans out of someone else’s special day?

A little help here? Would it help to mention that we are all “adults” here?
(I am 28, Rita is 30, Joan is 31, Matt is 33.)

Maid Of Honor AND Best Man

So this is the situation. I went up to visit my old university (graduated in
May) this past weekend. I stayed with a friend, Karen, who is still going to
school there, at her apartment.

One night, we went to one of the campus bars and ran into her neighbors, one
of which is a guy she has a crush on. She’s the type of girl who has a new
crush each week, or multiple crushes at the same time. Towards the end of the
night, she and I were hanging out with CrushBoy and his friends.
Unfortunately for her, he was paying a lot more attention to me than to her.
He kept putting his arm around me to sway to the music, or grabbing my hand
to spin me around and make me dance with him. He was also being pretty
flirty. I admit, I didn’t mind, because I thought he was pretty cute — but I
never initiated anything. In fact, I made a conscious decision not to let
anything happen with him (kiss-wise or more), because I knew Karen wouldn’t
be happy. At one point, she asked me what was going on with me and CrushBoy,
and I told her nothing. I assured her I wasn’t coming on to him at all, but
he kept coming over to me. She said okay.

Anyway, at the end of the night, we were going to walk home with him. He told
me that he and his friends were planning on leaving pretty soon. Karen was
off dancing with some other guy at this point, so I told him to hold on and I
would tell her. I told her that since the guys were leaving, if we didn’t
want to walk home alone, we would have to leave. She said okay, so I told her
I was just going to tell CrushBoy that we would get our jackets out of her
car (she had driven there) and would meet them outside. So I told him, and
Karen and I left the bar, with her walking about five feet ahead of me and
stalking furiously to her car.

I ran to catch up to her and asked her what
the deal was, and she starting telling me what an awful friend I was and how I
put myself ahead of her. I told her that nothing even happened, that I danced
with him, and I really didn’t think I did anything wrong. She yelled that she
saw “all the flirting” that was going on and how could I do that because I
know she likes him. I asked her what I should have done instead, and she told
me I should have told him that she likes him. At this point, she was getting
pretty nasty and insulting, so I told her not to worry, I’d get my stuff out
of her apartment and stay at my brother’s that night. (He also attends this
school and lives around the corner from her.) So I walked to his apartment
and he helped me get my stuff. She wasn’t back yet, so I didn’t see her at
all before I left to go home the next morning.

So anyway…do you think I did something wrong? The way I see it, my options
were: (1) Be nice and have fun with a cute boy who was seemingly interested
in me, (2) be a bitch and ignore him or be rude when he would come over to me
because Karen likes him, or (3) tell him I can’t talk to or dance with him
because Karen likes him. Which, in my opinion, is ridiculously sixth grade.

I can understand being jealous that I was on the receiving end of most of his
attention, but I don’t think I deserve to be blamed for it and told that I’m
“not a friend.” It wasn’t my fault that he doesn’t like her like that. Should
I let it blow over and then give her a call? Write her off? Apologize (for
what I’m not sure)?

Thanks…and sorry for the length.

A Bad Friend?

I’ve been a long-time reader, and I wrote to you in eighth grade about a bit of breast taunting. That one turned out well. Two years later, new problem. Once again, sex-organ-related.

During my freshman and beginning of sophomore year in high school, I had a steady hook-up buddy. It ended horribly, basically with a close friend now going out with him. Whole big mess, but it’s basically over. I’m no longer speaking to either of them, which is kind of difficult in a school where each grade is 80 students. Because of my school’s size, gossip flies quickly.

S (the guy) was the only guy I’d been past second base with. He fingered me and ate me out, and I gave him head and handjobs. Since him, I was fingered by another guy.

I noticed a small bump in my genital area the other day. I’m having it checked out, in case it’s something serious. I told my mother I want to see a gyno about my period. First question: Do you know if the gyno can be prevented from telling my mother? Also, if it is an STD, can I get treatment under my mother’s insurance without her knowing?

A (the other guy who fingered me) does not have any STD’s; he was recently tested, and I’m positive he’s not lying to me.

My question is, if I do have an STD, do I have to tell S? The reasons I don’t want to tell him are:

1) Being that we’re not speaking, I don’t want to initiate contact.
2) He and my ex-friend really hurt me, and I just want to stay away.
3) Since he gave it to me, I feel like I don’t owe him anything.
4) I don’t want her to know, since she has a big mouth, but he would tell her.
5) I don’t want anyone else to know.

Missing the days of spin the bottle