The Vine: January 23, 2002
Hey, Sarah:
My mom’s been sober for about ten years — as a result of extensive therapy, and a week at rehab. However, I’m starting to notice all the old signs again — brown paper bags all over the house, the obvious smell of alcohol on her breath, the constantly emptied trash can (you know, to hide the bottles).
Should I confront her? I’m about to go to college, so sometimes I think that I should just let it go, because I’ll be out of the house so soon. On the other hand, I have a little brother, and I sometimes feel I owe it to him and my father to help get us through yet another round of this. I’ve mentioned the drinking to my father, who says he’ll talk to her, but he hasn’t yet.
I’m worried that my reasons for wanting to confront her are selfish. While I’m interested in her well-being, I also don’t want to have to go through this again — once was enough, and the rehab experience was really frightening for me. Should I leave it alone, or am I responsible for getting her “well” again? I’m really confused, and I don’t feel like there’s anyone else I can talk to.
Thanks,
Mixed Up
Dear Mixed,
Maybe you do have selfish reasons for wanting her to get a handle on the drinking, but that’s not wrong. A parent’s drinking problem forces kids to look out for themselves and the parent, and you really shouldn’t have to. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel.
As for confronting her…that depends. On the one hand, I don’t think it would do much good, but on the other hand, leaving it to your father to handle hasn’t done much good either, since he’s evidently up to his neck in denial. If you do bring it up, tell her what you just told me. You know she’s drinking, you don’t want to leave your brother there with her if she’s not sober, you resent having to go through this again, and you love her, but she needs to get her shit together.
Either way, tell your brother that he can call you at school anytime to blow off steam or ask for help. That’ll really help him, and that’s all you can really do anyway. It’s not your responsibility; it’s your mother’s. If she wants to fuck up, there’s nothing you can do about it, and you shouldn’t feel like it’s your fault that she’s back on the sauce or that you can’t protect your brother from the situation, because it isn’t. It’s your mother’s fault.
And when you get to school, you might consider joining the Al-Anon group on campus, or seeing a counselor, to help you deal with the anger and guilt. I know you want to “fix it,” but you can’t, and you have to make peace with that somehow.
Good luck to you.
My question may seem insane to you; the situation certainly feels insane to me. I am in desperate need of an unbiased opinion, so here goes: I have been seeing “Mark” for four months. He was engaged when we met (unbeknownst to me until our third date), but broke off the engagement after we had been seeing each other for a month. We have been very happy, and I really do feel that we are right for each other. We see each other a few times a week (as often as our respective jobs permit), and we get along incredibly well with each other’s friends. My (very picky and suspicious) family even loves this guy. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until about a week ago.
We had talked, since we met, about the fact that there was no “buffer time” after Mark’s relationship with “Rebecca” ended. In fact, as I stated above, there was “overlap” (some would call it “cheating,” and I suppose they’d be right, except that there was no sex involved). Anyway, we both admitted that it would have been better if Mark had broken up with Rebecca and had some “alone time” or “dating time” before he met me, but the fact remains that that did not happen. I considered the subject resolved; I mean, what could we do?
Last week, Mark told me that he would like to end the exclusive nature of our relationship for a period of not longer than six months. There would be no sex with anyone else (and we could stop sleeping together, if I chose), but we would both be free to date other people. He said that he got into his relationship with Rebecca without any buffer time from his previous relationship, and he does not want his relationship with me to have a similar ending to the Rebecca relationship. He says that he wants to conduct this “experiment” to put our relationship on solid footing for a potential future together.
I trust his sincerity, but I am going crazy! We agreed that this experiment will start in the new year. He also said that I can tell my friends anything I want about the situation that will make me feel better; in other words, he is willing to play along with anything I tell them in order to allow me to save face. Still, I can’t stop thinking that this will be a big step backward for us, and I know that we both are fairly possessive people, so it will be really hard to know that someone else may be kissing the one we love.
You see my insanity. Please help. Tell me if this might work out. Tell me something good. This is the first major disagreement we’ve had.
Scared of 2002
Dear Scared,
“Buffer time.” Uh huh. Right. Where I come from, that’s a euphemism for “seeing if something better comes along.”
I mean, I see Mark’s point, sort of…but he should have thought about wanting “buffer time” before he ditched Rebecca and immediately started going out with you. And what’s with the “end the exclusive nature of our relationship for a period of not longer than six months” business? Does he expect you to get that crap notarized or something? It’s a relationship, not a contract negotiation. The guy doesn’t know what he wants — does he want a commitment? Does he want to date around? Oh, wait. He does know what he wants. He wants it both ways, with no penalty…except to you. “A more solid footing,” my ass. I’ve got his solid foot right here. Mark wants to play the field, and to keep you in reserve in case he doesn’t find a girl he likes better.
If you want to understudy his romantic life, go ahead — but if you don’t want to go along with it, don’t. Tell him he can do what he wants, but you plan to treat his “experiment” as a break-up, with everything that that implies, because you don’t care to hold the bag while he shops around.
I’d love to tell you that it’s going to work out, but the bottom line is that he’s not sure of you, and you’ll spend the rest of your time with him wondering when the other shoe’s going to drop. So, save yourself the aggro and plant said shoe in his ass.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
