The Vine: January 23, 2003
Hi Sars,
Regarding Spinny, if she is shaving her pubic hair,
it’s probably an ingrown hair or something like that,
nothing to worry about. She should get it checked out
anyway, and should go to her gynocologist every six
months, religiously. It’s important. If she is
sexually active and/or over 18, it is a must. Coming
from one who knows, there are some crazy things going
on in your nether regions and it’s best to find out
early. In my case, I found out that I had cervical
cancer at the ripe old age of 19, after being forced
by my much smarter best friend to visit the gyno.
Almost 10 Years In Remission
Dear Remission,
So glad about the “remission” part of that alias. Thanks for writing.
The bump Spin’s talking about could be an ingrown hair, or a benign cyst, or a harmless blister caused by chafing — or it could indicate something more serious. Spin needs to get it checked out, and she should continue getting checked out at least once a year.
And so do you. Yeah, you, the one who hasn’t seen a GYN since 1998. Get on that. If you are between the ages of 16 and death and/or sexually active, you must find a competent GYN whom you trust and visit him or her at least once a year. Not negotiable.
Hey Sars,
To answer Spin’s question, laws re: a minor’s ability to consent to STD testing vary from state to state, though the majority of states allow it. If Spin is positive for an STD, the doctor is not obligated to divulge that to her parents or anyone else unless it somehow presents/represents a danger to the public (for example, she stated that she planned on having sex with ten more people so they would get it too, or in the case of reporting specific STDs to the local health department), or to Spin herself (I can’t think of an example relating directly to this situation, but this applies in cases where someone tells a therapist they’re going to kill someone).
If Spin is exceedingly worried, however, about her parents finding out she was sexually active, she should go to Planned Parenthood’s website and find a clinic nearby. While she’s there, they can also provide information on birth control and safer sex. As you said, mistakes made now that seem like no big deal can haunt you for the rest of your life.
Cheers,
Chicago RN
Dear RN,
Thanks for your input.
I don’t love generalizing about when an individual is old enough to start having sex, because everyone matures and feels ready at different times, but I feel very strongly that if a young woman can’t handle the more uncomfortable secondary aspects of becoming sexually active, then she’s not ready for the main event. And “sexually active” includes any kind of sex — oral, manual, nasal, whatever, not just traditional intercourse. If you think you can’t catch a disease from a blowjob, you’ve got no business giving one. If you think a Pap smear is unpleasant, try a herpes outbreak on for size — and it better fit, too, because you can’t return that shit.
Sars —
I know you like literary questions.
Here’s the thing: I had a somewhat spotty education, one that emphasized
global literature and culture over the fundamentals. I’ve become far more
aware of grammar by going the old Strunk & White route, though I still
don’t have a great resource on usage (except your site, nudge nudge). But
more importantly, I would really like a definitive work on literary
criticism.
I’ve scoured my local university library with its irritating online catalog,
and consulted many sites, including Amazon.com. But I haven’t yet found a
book that explains what all the various schools are. Deconstructionism?
New criticism? Contextualism? Huh? And I still don’t really “get” the
role of Harold Bloom in the grand scheme of things.
Can you recommend a book that would sort all this lit-crit stuff out for me,
or at least point me in the right direction?
Thanks for your time and for your fabulous site.
An Erstwhile English Major
Dear English,
I couldn’t think of any resources off the top of my head; my education didn’t emphasize secondary sources as much as strict explication of the text, and as a creative writing major, I managed to skirt having to learn much of anything about various schools of lit-crit thought.
But Wing Chun and I poked around on Amazon for a few minutes and came up with a few titles we thought you might find helpful:
The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism. The introduction alone seems very informative, as it provides an overview of the various crit schools.
Literary Theory: A Very Short Introduction. Shorter (and way less expensive) than the Norton, Culler’s book addresses both theories of convention and the differing schools of literary theory. Wing hadn’t read this one, but she’s read others in this series and found them helpful and well written.
The Penguin Dictionary of Literary Terms and Literary Theory. Expanded from the 1979 edition to discuss “critical movements.”
The only book in the genre I own personally is The Prentice Hall Guide to English Literature, which 1) I have opened maybe twice in ten years and 2) is out of print anyway, but it’s more of a thesaurus of important terms/people/works anyway, although it does have short blurbs on New Criticism and the like.
Short answer? I’d go with the Culler.
Dear Sars,
I have a stupid problem, but I am stupider than my problem is,
so I can’t figure out how to solve it. To make a very long story
almost tolerable, I fell in love with an asshole, and I can’t forget
him. I know that a relationship with him would be a fiery pit of
blood and serpents, but I still dream of him and hope he’ll call.
How do I cleanse my brain?
Don’t tell me to read a book: I
can moon over him and read at the same time. Don’t tell me to
date someone else: I have nothing on the horizon. Don’t tell me
to shove an ice pick in my ear: I tried that, the mess was terrible,
and now I can’t remember the Pledge of Allegiance.
The worst
part is that we’re “friends,” so he might call. This ignis fatuus is
driving me insane. He’s handsome, brilliant, funny, and the
biggest jerk I ever met. I love him, and I wish I didn’t. Help.
Your fan,
Stupid
Dear Stupid,
“Friends”? No, that won’t work. Cut him off. He’s a jerk, he doesn’t love you back, and the only way to begin excising him from your cardiac tissue is to institute a no-contact rule and enforce it strictly with yourself. Put up Post-Its; enlist friends. Don’t talk to him. Don’t see him. Buy a spiral notebook and keep a journal where you write about why you fell for a boy who sucks.
But don’t continue the friendship. “Friendly” isn’t how you feel, so don’t pretend anymore.
Recently an old (like, when I was 13) boyfriend has come back into my life.
We’ve always remained friends; there’s always been an attraction, even the
knowledge that something would eventually happen between us at the right time
and place. I had thought that time was now, but think maybe I was (stupidly)
wrong.
He’s been burned by women. A lot. Lots of deceiving and cheating and basically
no one (parents included) has ever lived up to any commitment to him.
Naturally, he has issues, and has admitted this. His take on our relationship is
that it isn’t one — it’s too good, we don’t fight, there’s no stereotypical
bullshit involved, and, well, he doesn’t want it to be A Relationship. Me, I
don’t give a shit what we call it or don’t call it. It is what it is, and so
long as it makes us happy, that’s enough.
His behavior has changed a lot in the last four to six weeks. We used to spend four or five
nights a week together, almost always at his behest. Suddenly, he’s withdrawn
and not particularly nice. When I finally called him out on this, he
acknowledged it, apologized, and said that he was pulling back the gestures of
caring because he was afraid it would prompt me into feeling too strongly about
him (conversation in a nutshell). Since I spoke to him about it, he’s been
great — attentive, caring, et cetera, although we still don’t see each other nearly as
much.
The thing is, I never really know if a gesture is genuine. There are
gestures of intimacy that I keep thinking can’t be simulated, but I don’t know.
And I keep thinking, okay, if he was bothered enough to change his behavior in
the first place, why is he so willing to change it back? It doesn’t change the
underlying fear/issues. I feel like the bottom line is that either he can deal
with the situation, whatever it is, or he can’t. I don’t have a lot of control
here, and I keep finding myself trying to suss out how much he cares, and to
what extent he’s freaking about his own feelings instead of mine. I want that
totally unrealistic reassurance that despite his issues, he feels by and large
like I do.
Will it ever not be an issue? I have this gut instinct that it’ll all
end badly for me, and I don’t know if I should just stop seeing him (which, I
have to admit, I really don’t want to do) or whether I should continue sitting
tight and not do anything, because ultimately, I can’t (which is, of course,
very frustrating).
Thanks,
Feeling trapped into inaction
Dear Trapped,
The guy basically expects that, because he’s admitted to having issues, he doesn’t have to deal with them; he’s put you on notice that he’s wiggy, and that you’ll just have to deal with it. Which is fine, I guess, if it doesn’t bother you, but it obviously does.
Tell yourself the truth about what you want out of the whatever-it-is you’ve got going with him. You affect a certain breezy “whatever, I just want to know one way or the other” tone in your letter, but I don’t think it’s entirely genuine, because you also want assurances that he feels the same way you do — and there’s nothing wrong with that, but you’d better admit a few things to yourself about how you feel.
And if you feel like you want a commitment from or a relationship with him, or like you might love him, get out fast. If the limbo he exists in emotionally at the moment is really okay with you, well, okay, but if you do want more, it’s time to realize that you won’t get it — not from him, not now. It’s okay to want more, and it’s also okay to feel stupid about wanting more when you think maybe you should have known better or whatever, but past a certain point, you have to acknowledge that you have needs, and you have to move on if he can’t meet them. And don’t kid yourself — he can’t.
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