The Vine: January 24, 2006
This is an roommate question wrapped in a cat question wrapped in a vest.
I’m a university student, living for the first time off-campus. I’ve come to live with a friend of mine, and after overcoming some initial “I’m going to screw up and she will kick me out and hate me forever” jitters, things are going splendidly. My roommate spends half of the year (in month-long sessions) away at a job placement. During the time she’s away, I take care of her cat, but my family has always had at least two cats in the house at all times, so I’m used to this kind of situation. Her cat is an absolute darling, too.
She was gone for essentially the whole of last month, during which the cat was entirely my responsibility. That’s not the issue — like I said, he’s awesome, and very affectionate. The issue is that, upon my roommate’s return, her cat continues to gravitate towards me more than her. I don’t know why this happened, but suddenly it’s my bed he sleeps in every night, me he comes to for food, me he jumps on and cuddles up to on the couch. He’s been my roommate’s cat for something like four years now; I don’t understand how a month with me could make that kind of difference.
My roommate’s noticed, of course, and she seems…perturbed by it. Not actively bothered, and I don’t think she feels like it’s something I should be sorry for, but she’s quite sensitive and it’s definitely something that confuses her. She’s asked me, in a half-joking manner, why her cat seems to like me better; this, I’m sure, is not a question I should answer beyond shrugging and saying, “Well, cats are crazy.” But I do feel bad and a bit guilty when he ducks out from under her hand to climb up onto my lap.
It’s worth noting that my cat of eight years died quite suddenly last year and, since then, most of the cats in my life have been “someone else’s”; that is to say, they gravitated towards either my sister and my mother, definitely more so than me. So to add to my guilt, there is a part of me that really likes being the preferred one again, which is probably why I feel so bad about the situation.
Should I feel this bad about this? I try to reassure my roommate that she’s still the cat’s “mom” (to my “auntie” role) but…is there anything else I should say the next time she brings it up? I don’t feel like I have to defend myself, but I do want to make her feel better, and aside from actively trying to make the cat dislike me (which is obviously not an option, because it would go against every fiber of my being to be mean to him), I don’t know how to make her the mommy again.
Sincerely,
One Cat’s Person
Dear One,
You might tell her that it’s made you uncomfortable enough to write to an advice column about. I mean…it’s a cat. They do and like what they please, there isn’t a lot we can do about it, and if she’s away from home half the year, what exactly does she expect? She’s not around.
No, you shouldn’t feel bad about this. You shouldn’t feel guilty, either. You should feel kind of annoyed, because it’s kind of annoying, and it’s probably time to point out to her, nicely, that unless she does want you to try to make the cat hate you, you really wish she’d drop it.
Hi Sars,
I’d like to get your perspective on something, because I’m not sure if I’m being completely reasonable or completely insensitive.
One of my best friends, “Mary,” broke up with “Jason” after around nine months of dating, and she’s been mourning the breakup for almost as long. I became friends with Jason through her, and he and I now work for the same organization and have many friends in common, so we’ve remained on good terms.
He’s planning to be in NYC (where I live; he lives in another state) on business in a few weeks and asked to stay at my place for a night (we work for a non-profit, so we all try to stay with friends rather than booking hotels when traveling). I agreed and mentioned it to Mary; she didn’t say anything about it at the time, but a few days later she sent me an email saying she can’t stand the thought of the guy who hurt her staying with her good friend, and asking if he can get a hotel room instead. I don’t feel comfortable asking our employer to shell out $150+ for a Manhattan hotel when I have a perfectly good futon, and I don’t see his staying with me as having anything to do with her anyway. It’s not like he and I are going to sit around dishing on their relationship — we’ll both be working all day and have our own things going on in the evening, so this “visit” will merely entail him crashing on my couch and then leaving in the morning. (And just for the record, there is no danger of the two of us hooking up — I’m not at all interested in him romantically, and that’s not what Mary’s worried about.)
She’s mentioned before that she didn’t like that I still talk to/email him, but she played it off like she was kidding, particularly after I pointed out that, hello, he and I work together, and I’m not going to ignore his emails (which are all work-related or of the joke/”check out this web site!” variety). She tried to argue that she “refused to associate with [my] ex” after our breakup, which a) isn’t true; b) would be a bit more justified, since my ex was a ginormous dickhead who, after four years of living with me, had an affair with my co-worker and later became manic-depressive and began stalking me; and c) is a moot point, because I never asked her not to associate with him, and in fact I encouraged his and my mutual friends to hang out with him after we broke up so that he wouldn’t become lonely and depressed and unleash the crazy.
Basically, she doesn’t want me to be friends with Jason, but she won’t come out and say that. So my question is: do I have to pick sides here? It feels so junior high. He and I aren’t super-tight, so I’d have no problem not hanging out with him if we didn’t work together or if he’d been a big asshole to her, but they broke up essentially because he is Young Immature Guy Who Doesn’t Communicate Well (he’s 22 and she’s 28). So while he was kind of an idiot and his behavior did hurt her, he’s not a malicious jerk, and I have a hard time giving my patented stink-eye to someone who was just being a knucklehead. I’m not very emotional and have a hard time identifying with people who are, so I might be missing something here, but I really feel like Mary’s overreacting and being a bit selfish in expecting all her friends to shun Jason out of loyalty to her. Am I just being an insensitive robot girl, or what? I’d appreciate any thoughts you have.
Thanks,
D.A.R.Y.L.
Dear D.,
Tell Mary everything you just told me — you understand she’s still emotional about Jason, but you resent her asking you to pick her side so melodramatically when Jason is a work colleague you 1) cannot give the silent treatment as though you’re in seventh grade and 2) have no romantic interest in. If she wants to talk, you’re there for her; you’re sorry she’s still raw about the breakup; with all that said, she’s asking too much of you and you’d really like it if she backed off you.
It’s fine for Mary to feel that everyone should ice Jason because he hurt her, but as I’ve said many times, just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you get to put it in play. Further, I think there is a statute of limitations on breakups as far as requiring your friends (I’m speaking of the generalized “you” here) to foreground the issue when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for them to do so — you can still have whatever emotions you need to, obviously, but after about six months, it’s time to let your friends get back to their lives as far as your breakup is concerned.
Mary needs to start getting a firmer grip, I think, at this point, and while you don’t need to tell her that (or in those words), nor do you need to allow her not to by giving in on a point this unreasonable from her side. They weren’t married; you work with Jason; this isn’t fair of her to ask from you. Tell her so.
Dear Sars,
I have a question about the best way to actually get medicine inside of a cat, rather than sprayed all over the place during a vicious struggle. I live alone, so I’m on my own trying to hold the cat still, get the dropper in her mouth, and squeeze the medicine into her mouth. Oh, and the dosage is more than one dropper, so I’m supposed to be able to reload to get that last little bit in. The only upside to this is that my slightly dumb cat is the one that needs medicine; she’s likely to bolt away from me initially, but then wander back over to see what’s going on even if the dropper is still in my hand. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Sincerely,
Feeling Like An Incompetent Cat Mommy
Dear Mom,
Dosing a cat is not the most fun you can have with your clothes on, but if I could dropper Hobey three times a day with two different meds, with Joe remora-ing around and getting in the way, anyone can do it.
Okay. These instructions are for a righty, so if you’re lefty, just reverse them. Ready? Let’s begin.
1. Load the dropper first. Cats will learn to recognize, and flee from, the squooshy sound droppers can make, so find a way to do it either silently or far from where the cat is in your home, so she can’t hear.
2. Get above and behind the cat. If your cat isn’t already suspicious (read: hiding), you can pick her up and place her on a table or counter, but you may have to trap her mid-flight, in which case, put a foot on either side of her pointing inwards and bend your knees until the cat is boxed in by your heels and shins.
When she’s stuck, squat down over the cat (or, if she’s on the table, lean over her) with the dropper in your right hand and well away from her head. Your torso should be parallel to the ground. Slide your left hand palm-up under the cat’s jaw and prise her mouth open at the base of her jaw; your thumb should be on the left side, fingers on the right. Tilt her head back so it’s as close to resting against you/your chest as possible. Insert the dropper into her mouth, from the side, at the back of her mouth, and shoot the contents straight down her throat, then snap her mouth shut and hold it shut until she’s swallowed (either you’ll see her swallow or she’ll growl, which means it’s down). If you’re pilling the cat rather than liquid-dosing her, make sure you see a couple of swallows or you’ll have to do this again in five minutes. When it’s down, drop her head and stand up straight in one swift motion to minimize post-dosage sneeze fallout. (Learned that one the hard way.)
Release, reload, repeat. I had to lock myself in the bathroom with Hobey to do a double shot, but it got done.
It sounds like a complicated procedure, but the trick is to football-hold the cat while she’s in the loaf position so that she can’t move/back away/bite/claw/telescope herself into a space the size of a Chapstick, and to do it quickly, in one fluid motion, like a sun salutation.
And do not dismiss sneaking up on them while they nap as “too mean.” A sleepy cat is far easier to pill than the enraged and wily alternative.
Dear Sars:
I know you’ve said many times that friendships have a lifespan, and I
wholeheartedly agree with you, but what about friendships between
roommates? Last year I became friends with a girl I’ll call Lynn. This
year we decided to sign a one-year lease and move into a two-bedroom apartment
with her sharing a bedroom with her friend A, and me sharing a bedroom
with my friend J. All was great and wonderful for about a month of living
together and we were all getting along splendidly.
Then, at the end of
October, Lynn up and disappeared for two days and when she came back, she
had apparently decided that she did not want to be friends with me
anymore. She demonstrated this by ignoring me when I spoke to her and
leaving the room when I entered. I was very confused, since this seemed to
come out of nowhere (and giving someone the cold shoulder is so junior
high and we are ostensibly adults) so I wrote her a letter basically
saying that I was sorry if I had done something to hurt her and that I
wished that she would talk to me so we could sort this out. No response.
Weeks pass. In the meantime, Lynn appears to have gone out of her way to
become good friends with my other friends (who come over the apartment to
visit me every few days or so). Suddenly she and all my old friends are
BFF and when I hang out with all of them, Lynn ignores me and gives me
dirty looks and it is awkward for everyone, especially me. I am very hurt
by this, especially since Lynn is a very outgoing and fun person, and I
feel like all my old friends are completely infatuated with her and I seem
to have fallen by the wayside. Living in the apartment has become very
unpleasant, since I feel excluded from the other girls. My other friends
have said I should start looking to make new friends who aren’t friends
with Lynn, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that since I don’t have
a job and while I go to school, my classes are all in giant lecture halls
where it’s hard to connect with people.
Meanwhile, I’m also not sure how I
should act around Lynn. I’ve just been avoiding her, but it’s hard since
we live in the same tiny apartment. She told one of my other friends that
she “just wants a break” from our friendship, but so far this break has
lasted a month and a half, and I’m not really sure what to do now, or even
what I did to make her want to take a break anyway. At this point, I don’t
really want to be good friends again since I don’t think I could trust her
not to pull this on me again, but I do want to establish a good roommate
relationship so I don’t feel so excluded and lonely anymore, and so it’s
not awkward for our mutual friends.
So Sars, how do you think I should go
about doing this? I thought about writing another letter, or maybe (since
we’re all going home on break in a few days) giving her a call, but I
doubt she’d answer her phone, and I already tried writing a letter and it
didn’t help. Just straight up confronting her won’t work because of the
a) ignoring me when I talk and b) walking out of the room when I enter.
Also, moving out isn’t really an option since my roommates would be stuck
paying my portion of the rent until they found someone else, and would
therefore hate me.
Sign me,
Hurt and Angry in the OC
Dear Hurt,
I think you should not freakin’ bother. Lynn is a crazy, childish biznatch; since when is it on you to “establish a good roommate” relationship when she’s acting like a baby and refusing to interact with you directly?
The next time she’s with you in a group, and presumably prevented from leaving because she wants to hang out with the others there, and you intercept a dirty look? Call her on it. “Is there a problem, Lynn? …Oh, that’s right, you’re not talking to me. Carry on, then.” Next time, same thing. “Can I help you with something, Lynn? No? Okay, then. I’m going to stop asking, so: last chance. What’s your problem?” And if she gets into it with you, rip a damn strip off her. But if she doesn’t — which she probably won’t, because it’s much more drama queeny and obnoxious to keep ignoring, so she’ll most likely elect to stick with it — then stop asking. Stop asking her, stop asking your mutual friends, and stop giving a shit.
I know it’s awkward, and I know it feels sucky when your other friends are happy to hang out with her and don’t seem to care that she’s being a twat to you, but…think about that. Think about what that says about them, that they tolerate her acting like that and that none of them has evidently called her on making group situations titanically uncomfortable for everyone involved. Because in their shoes, I’d be like, “Lynn, I don’t know what your issue is with her, but find a way to deal with it that doesn’t put the rest of the planet in the middle.”
Call her on her shit. If she doesn’t respond, begin ignoring her and declining invitations to do stuff when she’ll be present, and at the end of the year, move out.
I’m looking for a lip gloss. I’ve never worn it before, and I tried a few testers this week and most of them were nasty sticky or didn’t show up as a color at all. What I am looking for is: sheer but visible color (preferably in the apricot/natural/slightly pink range), not sticky, not glittery, and not insanely expensive.
Can you and your readers please help a girl out?
Thanks Sars!
DG
Dear Miss G,
I don’t wear gloss; either it’s cakey, or it needs reapplying every ten minutes, and I don’t need the ag. I do, however, wear tint — specifically, Aveda SPF 15 Lip Tint, which I own in Copper, Berry, and my default, Currant. (I go pretty dark, but the Verbena and Spice colors are subtle and pretty too.) The terribly chic AB Chao turned me on to Aveda a couple of years ago, and I’ve seldom worn another lip product since: it’s light, it’s not sticky, it stays (smooching-tested, Sars-approved), it doesn’t get all clowny-looking if you reapply, and it’s $11 a pop on the Aveda site (you can find it cheaper on eBay, probably).
If you want something even lighter than that, I like CoverGirl LipSlicks; the staying power isn’t as good, but it conditions your lips better and is cheaper (probably around $4…oh, I see it’s on sale for $3). Not a great range of colors; I use “Daring,” which, God, please just use color names, makeup industry — it’s like a “Who’s on first?” routine every time we’re trading makeup info. Anyway. Demure is not a great color for me, but if you have lighter hair, it looks really nice, summery and unfussy.
I don’t mess around with wand-delivery lip gloss anymore because once you’ve had one leak on you, never again, but I can tell you one wand to avoid: Chanel. Chanel nail polish rules (you can open seven cases of soda and it’s not going to chip, even if you only use two coats), but the lip gloss, sweet rosy Jesus. Like slathering your lips with epoxy resin, and it’s not even pretty.
Let’s see what the readers have to add…
Tags: Ask The Readers cats friendships retail roommates
