I am beginning to think I am the poster girl for the “something’s missing” relationships of the world.

I am twenty-seven years old, and I can still count the men who have mattered to me on one hand. At some point, every last one of them has said to me, nearly verbatim, “I think you’re great, and I know I’ll probably never meet anyone half as (hot/witty/smart/funny/talented/other complimentary adjective) as you. The thing is, I like you a lot, but I just don’t think I love you. There’s something missing.”

I’ve just heard a variation on this theme yet again from a guy I’ve been dating for about a year, a guy who has actually said in the past that he did love me.

I guess he hit a raw nerve there, because I responded with something like, “You know, if I have to hear that same old song from you, too, why don’t you just cut me loose so I can go about finding someone who thinks I might be what he’s looking for?”

He thinks I am overreacting. He says we should stay together for now, even though he admits that he feels that the odds don’t favor us and that we’ll probably go separate directions when he finishes graduate school in the spring. (I am done with school and have a job that I love, so probably won’t want to move anyway.)

Am I being unfair? Am I asking too much? I am good-looking, smart, athletic, well-read, well-traveled, high-energy, low-
maintenance…the perfect package, according to nearly all sources. I have known absolute trolls with horrible personalities and no apparent redeeming qualities who have managed to find someone who loved them.

I don’t want to be someone’s compromise choice. If I am intrinsically unlovable, I’d just like to know about it so that I can buy some furniture and give the cat a name and go ahead and do all the things I’ve always wanted to do. (In fact, that’s what I was in the process of doing when I met my current boyfriend: taking up rock-climbing, because it’s something I’d long wanted to do. He became my climbing partner and…well, the rest is history, as they say.)

I love this man. He agrees that we are great together and admits that he probably would break up with me, but just can’t imagine being apart. I would walk away from my job for him. I would love to eventually marry him and have his child(ren). If we aren’t going to stay together, at a minimum, I’d like to be spared the embarrassment and angst of hearing the same worn-out lines I’ve already heard, even if they’re true.

How do you advise that I proceed in this situation?

Holly

P.S. Can I also just say I love your site, never miss your column, and think you’re great? I got my degree in English and am continually appalled at how many people cannot write to save their lives. You give me hope.