The Vine: January 25, 2002
So last year, in my hometown, I got together with a guy, who soon after introduced me to his best female friend — let’s call her “Angela.” The three of us hung out a couple times, and the vibe was very slightly strange but friendly. Soon after, both Angela and I moved, she to California and me to New York.
Angela and the boyfriend work in the same industry, and after she moved she tried (repeatedly) to get him a (much higher-paying) job with her company, and he (repeatedly) refused, because he likes his job where he is and doesn’t want to move. From what I’ve heard, that raised some tensions between them — she thinks he’s being a slacker, and he resents her meddling. But they stayed in touch.
Fast forward a year. Boyfriend and I are still together and happy. Angela came to visit him last month, and they got along okay, but then September 11th happened and she said some things that disappointed him — basically, they’ve got polar opposite political views: she’s a pacifist, and he felt she was sticking her head in the sand, and I know there’s more to the story I haven’t heard but that was, supposedly, the catalyst for him to start questioning whether he really wanted to be friends with her anymore.
About the same time, she and I exchanged a bunch of emails, mostly about my boyfriend and various issues on his table, partly because he’s pretty much the only thing she and I have in common — we just haven’t spent enough time together to create a separate friendship; I only met her a couple times before she moved. Anyway, she raised some (career-related) doubts, I defended him, I made the mistake of telling him about it, he got justifiably upset. Upshot is, Angela and I discussing him behind his back does none of the three of us any good.
Now to the present problem: Angela recently came up with the idea of coming to New York and staying with me, since I’m the only person she knows here. Now, my apartment is not big enough to sneeze in; if she stayed with me, we’d have to share my bed. I told her this, and she said she was okay with it, but I’m frankly not sure now that I want to play tour guide to someone I don’t really know, and be tempted the whole time to discuss/dissect/rag on the boyfriend.
The other part of the dilemma is that she mentioned she doesn’t know why the boyfriend isn’t speaking to her right now. I have a feeling he’s trying to avoid her and the question of why he’s suddenly soured on the friendship, but I don’t want to tell her this; it’s not my place and would only make things worse. So again, a reason to say, “No talking about the boyfriend,” if she were to come visit — but I’m not sure how much else we’d have to talk about.
So do I tell her she can’t stay with me, knowing it would make her trip that much more difficult? Do I play host in the hopes that she and my boyfriend will eventually make up? Do I tell the boyfriend that he at least owes her an explanation? Do I try to get past the inevitable awkwardness and get to know her separately? Sometimes she’s struck me as a cool person and sometimes she’s gotten on my nerves (mainly when she reminds me that she’s known the boyfriend longer than I have). Mainly I don’t want to be a jerk to her, but I fear that being around her nonstop for a weekend, with the unspoken question of the boyfriend hanging in the air, would not bring out the best in me.
So how should I handle this?
Third Party
Dear Third,
Think about it — why did you offer your place as a crash pad to begin with? Because she suggested it, and you didn’t feel you could say no. Right?
You could try putting a moratorium on talking about Boyfriend, but if she’s not down with that, or if the two of you don’t have much else to talk about, her stay is going to feel like a month of Sundays. And it’s probably going to feel like that anyway. Houseguests in a small New York apartment for longer than a day or two can strain the nerves under the best of circumstances, and this is not what I would call “the best of circumstances” — on the whole, your letter suggests to me that Angela is kind of a bully, and you’ve already begun to resent the entire situation, so unless you want to spend the bulk of her visit taking very very long walks and seething in the shower, here’s what you should do.
Tell her you can’t have her at your place — you don’t want to put yourself in the middle of the thing with her and Boyfriend, and that’s that. She’s probably going to give you a bunch of guilt, but don’t let her back you down. It’s not her apartment; it’s yours. It’s not your problem; it’s Boyfriend’s. Get out of it.
Dear Sars…
I’m a junior in college, and after having lived with the same two girls the first two years, I decided to move in with my friend Bridget, who I had never lived with before. She’s a totally cool friend and all, but the saga with her boyfriend is killing me. I really can’t be a counselor 24/7 and nothing is changing — it’s been going on for months! It’s always the same thing — they fight (really, he’s a jerk to her, always calling her crazy, which she takes completely to heart, or saying she’s the worst thing that ever happened to him), and she gets hysterical, and then he buys her stuff. I’ve tried to explain every way I can that this is not a healthy relationship, but she does not listen. For six months it has been the same thing, over and over.
Now, my friend Sara wants me to move in with her and our friend Nicole ASAP — I was going to live with Bridget and some other friends next year, hoping things would be better once we don’t have to share bedrooms anymore, but I seriously doubt that. However, I feel crappy ditching Bridget to move in with Sara, especially when Bridget describes this thing with her beau and a “complete slap in the face from someone you really care about.” That really makes me feel lousy about being another slapper.
Bridget could totally move in with other friends of ours, but I don’t think she really wants to, and I’m sure she doesn’t want to live alone. But I really don’t know what to do about this.
Thanks so much for whatever suggestions you can give.
Sincerely,
Jake
Dear Jake,
I think you really want to know if there’s some way to ditch Bridget as a roommate without hurting her feelings and causing a big old third-act-opera scene. There isn’t. But you should do it anyway.
As you know, Bridget is a drama addict. Yeah, she “complains” about her crappy boyfriend, but secretly, she feeds on it; she loves the attention it brings her and the martyrdom she can confer on herself as a result, and she’s not going to change as a result of anything you say. I understand the instinct to avoid a blow-up, but it’s that or continue watching boring reruns of The Many Loves Of Woe-bie Gillis. A year is a long time to hear the same thing endlessly, and you’ve already done that.
It’s up to you, but I’d tell Bridget that you’ve decided to move in with Sara and Nicole, and let the chips fall where they may. If she chooses to view it as a thrown-down glove and pitches a big old fit, well, at least you’ll know you made the right decision.
Sars,
I need advice of the impartial variety and I respect your straightforwardness, so I bring my issues to you.
In December I started dating a co-worker. He’s three years younger than me, and we come from very different backgrounds, but I adore him. For six weeks we were great and definitely on the serious track. He was romantic, attentive, adoring, et cetera — pretty much the ideal boyfriend. Two weeks ago, he had some family stuff happen, and I think it messed him up pretty badly. We had our first fight last Thursday, but we talked things over and we seemed to be fine. Better than fine. His mom went out of town for the weekend (yes, he lives with his mom), and I spent the whole weekend at his house. He made me breakfast, cuddled with me on the couch, we hung out with his friends. Everything was great. When I left on Sunday, he told me he’d call me later, and I never heard from him. We didn’t have to work on Monday due to the holiday, he still didn’t call. I tried to reach him, but he didn’t answer his cell phone and he didn’t return my call. Tuesday, he broke up with me. Said he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now, he needed to be alone, all the usual bullshit.
I’m just not sure what happened. I’ve replayed our relationship over in my head and I can’t figure out where we went wrong. Is it just his family stuff that’s getting in the way? Did I do something to push him away? It just doesn’t make sense.
What are your thoughts? Is there anything I can do to fix things? Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Devastated Dumpee
Dear Devastated,
From the top: Nothing “happened.” It’s not the family stuff. You didn’t do anything to push him away. There’s nothing you can do to fix it.
Whatever happened in his head — he panicked at the intimacy, he let his family talk him out of you, he decided he wanted to fuck other women, whatever — doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to go out with you anymore. He’s too immature to handle it, or you. Analyzing every minute you spent together won’t serve any purpose except to drive you crazy, so don’t bother, because it’s not about you. It’s about him.
I know it hurts. I know it doesn’t help when people tell you that he did you a favor, but in his own emotionally retarded jerkweed way, he did. Listen to Patsy Cline, rip on him to your friends, and keep an eye out for a guy — preferably outside of the workplace — who’s actually ready for an adult relationship, because Norman Bates over there isn’t.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships roommates workplace
