The Vine: January 25, 2005
My boyfriend of almost a year has gone to teach English in Japan
for 12 months. I visited him in his second month for a few weeks, and
arrived home in Australia a month ago. I do professional, well-paid,
high-stress work here in a position I’ve held for about 2.5 years. I don’t
love my job, but I’m not sure what else to do, so my best plan was to stick
with this until something better struck me, or it all became too much. I’m
very young to be in the position I am, and earning so much. I did
accelerated university degrees to get here (I’m not really sure why) and
had this job lined up a year before I even left university — at 21.
My boyfriend had this Japan plan in the works before we met, but we fell
for each other very suddenly, and hard. Couples are separated from each
other all the time, often in much less bearable circumstances, so while we
were apprehensive about 12 months apart, we weren’t panicking. Now, he’s
been gone four months and it already seems like much more. Parts of it have
been horrible. Talking on the phone long-distance sucks. Aside from career
issues, I would be on a plane back over there as soon as I could, to stay
and teach or whatever. I really enjoyed Japan, although I couldn’t imagine
living there for more than a few months. (It’s disgusting how much I missed
television!) And as I said, I don’t actually like my job that much. But I
can’t seem to get over those career issues. It seems like such a big deal
to me to quit this position when I worked so hard to get here.
Aside from this, my boyfriend is starting to really pressure me to move to
be with him. He’s getting frustrated that I won’t decide to do this for our
relationship. He’s younger than me and hasn’t done much independent living
financially speaking, so he doesn’t really get the gravity of leaving such
financial security. So that clouds my judgment and gets me angry that HE
was the one who left, but now I have to be the one to make the big decision
to make things easier for him. But when I convince myself that I’m risking
my career advancement and future security by going and should definitely
stay, a voice always pops up and tells me I’m crazy for locking myself into
a job I don’t like that much, at 23, when I have an opportunity to do
something exciting and different with the guy I love.
I keep making a decision to leave, or stay, and then changing my mind
within minutes. I’ve tried asking my family and friends. Almost exactly
half the people I’ve talked to about this say, “Fuck your job — get out and
do something while you’re still young!” The other half (including my
mother, who worked her ass off to go from nothing to everything) are
appalled that I would consider giving up such a prestigious, secure
position to follow a guy.
So Sars, I humbly ask for your help — be it a kick in the pants, a rant, a
get-over-yourself, whatever. I know you can’t make the decision for me. But
maybe you can help me see how to decide, or get some perspective.
Thanks,
Maybe I should just use a Magic 8-Ball
Dear Outlook Good,
Look, it’s one thing to give up financial security at age 40, with kids to support — or a job you love that you worked towards all your life, your dream job. But at 23, when you don’t like the job that much anyway, aren’t “really sure why” you bothered busting ass to get it, and are miserable without your boyfriend?
If you need him to know that it’s a sacrifice, and a significant one, and you will resent making it if he can’t get his head around the bigness of the deal it is for you, then talk that through with him, but if the only reason you’re not moving is because you think he “doesn’t get it”? Make him get it, and go. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.
You can get another job; you’re obviously motivated and a valuable worker. This boyfriend, there’s only one of. I’m just saying.
Hey Sars, great site, dig it.
So, I go to a wedding last weekend, as usual, the single girl…turns out there is a lone single guy!! Well, we both have “dates” but not DATES…so he and I kind of hit it off and after a couple glasses of liquid courage I tell him that if he’s ever interested in dinner, bride/groom have my number. Well, two minutes later he hands me his number, even better! I’m psyched, since seriously the first time I’ve gotten any number in YEARS…I fall victim to the “how many days ’til I can call” game and decide on Wednesday the following week.
I call, get his voicemail, leave message, he calls back. Small talk, decent coversation…so, about dinner, still on, yeah, when you free, Friday, great, what time, 7:00? Okay, good. Then he says, “So, you should invite Kelly.” “Who?” “Kelly, from the wedding, sitting at your table…” “Um, Kelly, Kelly…?” “Yeah, you know, tall, blonde.” “Oh, oh, Kelly…um, yeah…”
Conversation continues and I am still stuck on the Kelly comment (especially since I really don’t know her and can’t for the life of me figure out why I can’t make my mouth form words to tell him that, ask him why, et cetera) so I say, “Did you want to make this more of a group thing?” “Yeah, that’d be great! Don’tcha think?” “Sure, whatever makes you more comfortable…” I squeak out, now kinda pissed, not to mention confused.
Now, in my thinking, by giving me his number and by my calling to ask HIM on a date, it seems quite rude and very curious that he would specifically mention my bringing Kelly — don’t you think that if he wanted to say, meet people or make it more casual he would have said, “You cool with asking some of your friends, I’m new to the area…” or something like that? I get a call from him today (voicemail) where he is just checking to see if I had had a chance to get a small group together (so now I’m his flippin’ social director too? And just how small, you, me, Kelly? Where you going with this, buddy?).
So, I have overanalyzed this to death, do I just flat-out ask him what his intentions are and would he like me to tell him how to get in touch with Kelly since I really don’t know her? (Seems a little forward for only having a two-hour “know time” window.) Do I blow him off ’cause he is obviously not interested in a one-on-one which is really where I am at? Do I organize a group date for him so he’s comfortable? I seriously don’t do this enough to know what to do and it seems like way too much work…help puh-leeeease.
Dinner for two…I mean three??
Dear I Mean Not,
Organize the group you want to organize; if you can’t produce Kelly, well, you don’t know her that well, and it’s not really on you to provide her for him when he invited her on a date you asked him out on. I mean, really.
If you didn’t know people in common, I’d tell you to cut the guy dead; yeah, I guess he’s just dense, but life is short. But — you do have mutual friends, so just go through with the evening but don’t kill yourself looking out for his good time, and once it’s over, lose his number.
Hi Sars,
I frequently see people writing to you regarding grammar issues and you seem to be very resourceful in finding the answers for them if you don’t already know the answer. So I turn to you with this obscure issue:
When does a sentence ending in “too” get a comma before said “too,” and why? For example, “have your cake and eat it too” vs. “have your cake and eat it, too.” I’ve seen it with and without a preceding comma but cannot distinguish the determining factor.
As a copy editor, I have researched this question before, as it tends to come up frequently. At one point, I did find a place that addressed this issue, but not only could I not understand the answer, I’ve forgotten where I even saw it to revisit it.
Any help would be appreciated!
Comma Too Be or Not Too Be: That Is The Question
Dear It’s Also My Apartment,
I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s some sort of adverbial appositive thing where “too” is set off by a comma in order to emphasize its function. I don’t think I ordinarily use it, but let’s see what Garner has to say…
Interesting. He doesn’t have a note specific to “too,” but in his comma entry, he says that commas are often used to set off adverbs that don’t require it, which I think applies to “too” too. Why? Well, when we use a synonym for “too” like “also” or “as well,” setting either of those off with a comma would look weird and overcorrected — and I think that’s why people tend to use them before “too.” They think they should, but it’s really not required.
Short, if non-definitive, answer: the comma is not necessary.
Here’s a kind of ongoing problem for The Vine.
My boyfriend is great, and on the whole, we have a good, solid
relationship. But we have one major incompatibility: he is prey to bouts
of self-pity, and I have difficulty dealing with the same. I lose
sympathy quickly, get fed up, and tell him to snap out of it, which just
makes him feel worse.
Despite my past incompetence, he generally seems to want me to try to
help, but I don’t know what to do or say when he tells me he’s feeling
bad. Like everyone’s life, his has positives and negatives, but when
he’s obsessing about the negatives, he doesn’t want to hear about anything
else, which makes it difficult to take his mind off things. Sometimes
talking to me helps (that is, by the end of the conversation he seems to
be feeling better than at the beginning), but I’m always mystified as to
how, and when it happens again, I have no idea where to begin.
Do you have any advice for how to deal with self-pitying friends and
loved ones? I’m torn between wanting to make him feel better every time,
and wanting to give him a swift kick in the butt.
Terrible Bedside Manner
Dear Well, It’s Working, Isn’t It,
People vent for one of two reasons — they want someone to listen to them, and they want someone to offer solutions. If a venter is aiming for one of those things and the ventee is trying to provide the other, it can get frustrating for both parties, so I think the solution here is twofold.
First, you need to just listen for a while when he does this. I know it’s annoying, but he always comes out of it eventually, so give him some time to whine and cry about things; he needs to know you’re there for him. Second, though, you need to let him know that, if he’s not looking for help fixing things or not really wanting to feel better, you sympathize, but — you’re done. I mean, make it clear that, if he wants cheering up or ego-boosting, you’re in with both feet — but if what he wants is to wallow, you’re going to the movies.
I’ve had that boyfriend, and it’s hard, because you feel bad for the guy, but you also kind of feel like, if he doesn’t want your help, you don’t want to try to give it anymore — I understand that you might feel kind of coldhearted about it, or like, no matter what you do, you end up the bad guy. But your not wanting to listen to him when he gets all “nobody loves me” does not in fact prove his point, if you see what I mean, and you shouldn’t let him think it does.
So, try to make him feel better; then give him a swift kick in the butt.
Hi, Sars:
A longtime reader here –- I’ve always liked your advice, and I feel like I could use some now.
I’ve been dating this man for two years, living with him for one. He’s a big sweetie, loves his family, loves me, loves my dog. His main issue is he’s depressed about his job, which seems to be going nowhere, but he’s been there for three years, and due to inertia, free internet all day, jobs being hard to find, and really, I’m going to own a business someday, as soon as I find out what I want to do…he won’t leave, or even look for longer than a day without giving up. A lot of his friends have either moved away recently or are busy with their own lives and loves, or he’s not interested in doing much outside of the house. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m not finding much inside the house.
My issues are, of course, multifaceted. I always felt by 27 I’d be ready to settle down and get married, maybe start a family. I don’t want to get married to this man for a multitude of reasons. He doesn’t believe anything happens to you when you die. He is, aside from reading more books recently, kind of…hobby-free. He’s either sitting at home in front of the computer or sitting at work in front of the computer. (I have a computer-y job too, so I’m not particularly perturbed by this, but come on away from the pretty box sometimes, dude.) I’m a pretty social gal, so I feel like I’m always coming home, scooping up the dog, inviting him out and when he says “no,” leaving without him to go do something more fun than sitting in our tiny apartment. I like music, I like going to movies, I like sitting in the park with friends and flipping a Frisbee around -– so it’s not differences like “oh, he doesn’t want to bungee off the face of the Transamerica Pyramid every weekend, what a loser.” He’s 30 and it seems to me he’s more like a lot of guys I went to school with. Except we’ve been out of school for a long time.
Truth is, the boy gets on my nerves. It comes and goes, but he’ll say something and I’ll just snap. It’s not like me to snap. I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky gal. But I do, at him, and then he’s hurt, of course, and then I want to make it up to him because I am Huge Snapping Bitchy Bitch. I hate bitchy girls. I hate being one even more. When his friends invite themselves to couch-crash for three weeks and he says NOTHING, it makes me seethe. (Thanks for your column on that by the way, at least I see this point is well-made.)
Another problem is something I’ve never experienced before: I’m just not interested in sex with him. I’m not cheating on him, far from it, but I just feel…blah. I don’t want to kiss him because it brings me little pleasure. I don’t want to sleep with him because it’s just the same routine over and over. Again -– then he is hurt, as he should be, because WTF, who doesn’t want to kiss their man? I keep trying to change things up (and I live across the street from Good Vibrations in SF, so I know from spicing things up) but I know sometimes, it’s very obvious that I’m disinterested.
I’ve set a four-month rule on it as of an looooooong honest talk we had yesterday, while both of us are doing some homework as to our expectations of the relationship. I feel like if we can work on it between now and then, we might be able to figure something out. By then, if he’s not feeling better about his life and I’m not feeling better about him, I think it’s time to go.
Am I crazy for wanting to leave a sweet, caring man just because he annoys the ever-loving shit out of me? He is so much better than so many men I’ve been with, so why can’t I realize what a good thing I’ve got? Am I a self-absorbed hobag?
Oh, and the no-sex thing ain’t no walk in the park, either —
Me
Dear Me,
You say that you had an honest talk with him — did you tell him everything you just told me? I mean, sure, you can have softened some of it, but he needs to hear all of it, because here’s the bottom line: he doesn’t share your interests, he doesn’t turn you on anymore, and you have no respect for him, and all of that, from what I can tell, boils down to the fact that y’all don’t have much in common in the end and he bores you. And four months is not going to fix that shit. Trust me. I have put in the wasted time trying to “work out” issues that were really about fundamental incompatibility; when I tell you not to bother, I mean it. If you think his dullardity of late is because he’s a bit depressed, you should make his getting some treatment for that a condition of moving forward and see if things don’t improve from there, but if the problem is that he’s just not really your type, well…he’s not. It’s not your fault, or his. It just is, and dragging it around for another season of your life won’t change it.
“Sweet and caring” isn’t always enough. You have to have things to talk about; he has to interest you, and be interested in you and in the world. My parents aren’t still married after forty years because my dad is sweet and caring; he is (although if he’s reading this he just barfed at that description…heh), but they’re still married because they do stuff together and have conversations.
If it’s about his lack of motivation — and I think it is — you have to figure out whether it’s something an Effexor prescription could pop him out of, or whether he’s just a bit too dull for you. And if it’s his personality, you have to end it now. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him; another more homebodyish woman will probably love him. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, either; you can appreciate his good points, but he’s not your guy. It’s that maybe there’s something wrong with the two of you together, and unless one of you undergoes a personality change, it’s not happening.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar workplace
