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Okay, so my problem is of a somewhat unusual variety, part wedding, part breakup, part almost-mother-in-law from hell. The majority of my friends seem to pause for a moment and the say something along the lines of “wow, yes that sure is rough…good luck with that” so I thought that I would see if you had a polite fix.

I dated the same guy for four years after university, and I was really happy in the relationship. I even managed to maintain that hapiness after I met his controlling psychotic bitch of a mother (think it’s overkill, just wait). Unfortunately after we had gotten engaged and set the date and talked to our families we sat down for a discussion of life goals and realized we had some major problems. After a few months of tense discussions about how we would get around problems like the fact that I wanted kids and he didn’t, we admitted defeat.

As much as that sounds like the most depressing phase of our lives, it really wasn’t. We were both all right with the situation, both entered new relationships and managed to maintain a supportive friendship. My greatest triumph was that I managed to avoid his mother’s overbearing “help” with the wedding. I attempted to be gracious with the assistance right up until the day she ordered the flowers without consulting me and after finding out I was allergic to orchids her response was “I’m sure you can handle it for one day dear, I love orchids.” That was what pretty much cued the Twilight Zone music in my head.

We had been planning our wedding almost two years ahead due to restrictions with his work schedule and my desire for a long honeymoon, so cancelling wasn’t a large issue despite the fact that we had finalized the guest list and booked nearly everything. I checked with his mother and made sure she had taken care of everything she had booked and she assured me everything was fine. Now I’m sure you understand why my new boyfriend was slightly upset one day last week when a mutual friend called inquiring about the invitation that had arrived for my wedding in the summer. My wedding to my ex-fiance.

Upon calling the card company I found out the invitations had been pre-ordered for delivery by my ex’s mother. Once I could breathe again I called my ex and found him recoiling in similar horror. My question is, how on earth am I supposed to deal with this mess? My ex’s mother says that sending out a retraction would be classless. Well, she said that after she said that none of this ever would have happened if I hadn’t called off the wedding, and maybe I had it coming from bad karma. I didn’t care much for her opinion, but several people I know have supported this stance. What scares me is the number of people who seem to be advocating the “ignore it until it goes away” strategy.

I want to send a small humorous note informing people of the error and apologizing for our negligence in addressing the issue. My ex wants to pretend it never happened, and thinks it’ll be a great chance to get in touch with some old friends. I think they’re all insane and I do not feel like explaining to people I haven’t spoken to in five years that no, the wedding wasn’t actually cancelled as it never really existed to begin with. Also, I would like my actual invitation to mean something. I don’t really want to be the girl that cried wedding. So the question is, do I have the right to send out a note without the consent of my ex as he seems to want nothing to do with it, or should I just let the whole thing go and resign myself to five months of really uncomfortable phone calls.

Thanks for your time,
Why oh why were we inviting 300 people to our damn wedding

Long-time reader, first-time questioner.

I’m getting married in May, and the plans are rolling ahead nicely. The guest list has of course caused a few issues, but basically I’ve been willing to compromise with my parents’ wishes (they’re helping to pay for it, so they get some say) and I’ve accepted that some relatives whom I’d rather never see again in my life must be invited, and (alas!) they’ve already mentioned they’ll be there.

The problem is the kids. I put my foot down, absolutely, even though it led to fight after fight with my mother, on whether or not kids will be allowed at the ceremony. I have been a guest at more weddings than I can count at which little kids started shrieking or laughing or getting out of their seat and running around, and the parents did NOTHING. I attended one ceremony and sat in front of a three-year-old who TALKED — well, babbled — through the entire forty-five minute ritual, in a normal-to-loud tone of voice, and his parents seemed to think that because he wasn’t unhappy, there was no need to even shush him, let alone leave the building. And a couple of my relatives, notably the ones I’d rather never see again, not only have small children but have small, terribly behaved children and take actual pride in not disciplining them. Legend in my extended family is the seven-year-old who’s now being home-schooled because he was kicked out of every school in town after physically attacking his classmates, and his parents don’t think this is a problem.

So there will be a card inserted into the invitation of each family that has small children (and there are six or seven such families, out of a very small guest list) which says that children under ten cannot be accommodated at the ceremony, but all ages are welcome at the reception. This was the compromise with my mother; I’d rather not have kids at the reception either but can deal with them there. I’m not, however, having some kid pipe up in the middle of my vows. I am good at laughing off things that go wrong with over-solemn moments, to the extent that if a heel breaks on my shoe, or a ring gets dropped, I know I won’t be upset. But having to pitch my voice over a childish treble when saying, “I do,” because Junior’s parents are so enthralled with his brilliant verbalization that they assume everyone else who flew out for my wedding would rather hear “DADA! PWETTY FWOWERS!” than our vows, would ruin the day for me, and I’d be furious about it for far longer than is healthy.

However. I do not trust the parents to believe the child-banning applies to them. Part of me wants to put a line at the bottom of the no-kids card that says, “YES, THIS MEANS YOUR KID TOO.” The parents in question are ones who constantly bring their kids to events which they have been told are child-free, and if someone calls them on it they open their eyes wide and say, “Oh, but MY kids are so well-behaved,” and even setting aside that this is a shameless lie, it’s beside the point. They were asked not to bring their kids and they did anyway.

So, my question is, how should this be dealt with, should it happen? And the problem is that, as the bride, I won’t be the one dealing with it. I would have no problem saying at the church door, “Sorry, we said no kids, but it’s a short ceremony and there’s a park down the street, see you in half an hour,” but I won’t be the one at the church door greeting guests. Our ushers are the groom’s sister’s boyfriend and my brother’s girlfriend, and I feel horrible putting them in this position, but I know the people involved and the odds are ten to one they will show up with brats in tow. What should I tell the ushers to say and do should this happen?

Also, what the hell is up with people like that and can I rest assured terrible things will happen to them, karmically?

If I Wanted To Need A Microphone At My Wedding I Would Have Married On Reality TV

A couple months ago I inherited my mom’s cat. She moved to my town because of a new job and her apartment building won’t allow her pets. My dad is still in the old house for the next year while he makes the requisite business connections to allow him to transfer here. Since he’s allergic to the cat, he didn’t really want sole responsibility for caring for it (although I grew up with cats, he’s never cared for them). So I stepped up and offered the cat a home, either temporary or permanent. My kids are thrilled they have a pet and everything has worked out just fine. Until yesterday.

Junior is a 2 1/2 year old neutered male tabby. He’s well behaved, although a little more skittish with the kids. He took to me like white on rice though, perhaps because I remind him of my mom. We have had a normal “mom”/cat relationship for the most part. He climbs on to me when I’m laying on the couch and makes himself comfortable, kneading me with his paws and begging for love and attention. Nothing weird. However, yesterday morning he started gently biting my hand. That got my attention so I looked at him and he was…trying to hump my arm. He had that weird, almost involuntary hip thrusting going on. After shooing him away, he decided to clean his business, which was…exposed. The whole experience was a bit surreal.

Last night he climbs in my lap, starts doing his kneading thing, getting comfortable, looking for attention…but again with the hip thrusting. And again his…cathood? was, er, unsheathed. And then tonight he did it again. His hips were twitching so much it was like he was having a seizure. Except when I remove him from my vicinity, it stops. As far as I know he never did this to my mom, although I’m really not eager to ask her about it.

I know dogs hump people. I know cats will hump each other to assert dominance. But I have never known a cat to hump a person. Is this unusual behavior? It sort of popped up out of nowhere after months of uneventful cat ownership (as uneventful as that can be). Any idea why a neutered male would do this? Or how to get him to stop? It’s creeping me out.

Thanks,
At least my cat thinks I’m sexy

I’ve written to you before and you gave me good advice, let’s see if you can help me out again.

I lost my job a little over a month ago. It was completely unexpected and a huge blow to my ego, self-confidence and self-esteem. I’m 26 years old and have never been fired or let go and have never been without work since I turned 14. I was shattered.

My husband, D, was very supportive and went out of his way to let me know that everything will be okay and that we’ll get by on his salary until I found something else. He told me that he didn’t want me to rush and get some low-paying job just to have a job, but wait until I found something worthwhile. We have even talked about starting my own business and have been making plans to do so. The problem is that I need money to start a company and cannot get money until I have a job. We have enough of a savings account to get by for a while and we even took a week in Vegas for my birthday with some friends that was planned months in advance. We’re not hurting financially so that’s not the problem I’m writing to you about.

The problem is that I feel completely useless. I’ve had a run of good luck for the last couple of years, made some great investments that have paid off and felt very successful for my age. Now I’m just lost. I don’t know what to do with myself. In my field, which I’ve been in since I was 19, there is absolutely nobody hiring at this time.

The first couple of weeks without a job (minus the vacation) felt almost freeing. I didn’t have to be up at a certain time, my boss wasn’t calling me constantly and I had time to do all the stuff around the house that I’ve put off. I’ve painted my living room, bathrooms, kitchen and foyer (the hallway and master bedroom are next), organized my closet, went through my bookshelves and starting selling all my books on Amazon and got all my Christmas decorations up in record time.

Now I’m lost. The past week or so I can hardly get out of bed. I wake up at 11:00 and lay on the couch until 1:00 when my soap is on. After, I really do try to get motivated but it just doesn’t happen. It takes all my willpower to unload the dishwasher and maybe throw some clothes in the washing machine. I’m usually up and showered by the time D gets home at 7:00 with absolutely nothing to show that I’ve done anything while he’s been working all day long.

Everything seems so mundane and I feel like I’m getting dumber by the day. I am not someone who can stay at home all day long mopping floors and cleaning toilets. I know I’m depressed and I am trying to work through it and I thought D was with me until last night.

He basically went off on me. He started with the stuff around the house. He said since I’m not working that I should keep the house clean and do the laundry and the dishes and everything else every day. I agree with that, I know I should and I will try harder. Then he just kept going and going, basically telling me everything that is wrong with me from my sex drive (apparently I should should be ready for him any time he wants me), to how often I go out with my friends (which is never), to how I spend my money, to my attitude (I’m not happy enough lately), and on and on and on. He made me feel completely worthless. Then he started in about how there is no way I’ll be able to get a job paying more than eight dollars an hour, so I should just give up the search and either go forward with starting my own company (which I’ve explained over and over that you need funds to start a business and will not be profitable right away) or go back to school to keep me busy while being a happy housewife.

I know he is right to be upset about some things and is being very unreasonable about others, but my god, to just bring all of my supposed failures to light in one sitting is just too much! Of course I am very upset and cried all night and he apologized for laying everything out as he did, but I am so hurt and so pissed I can’t even look at him now. He came home from from work today and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be all huggy and kissy like usual.

Am I being unreasonable being angry at him? Should I just do what he wants, cleaning all day, having sex on demand and being the perfect perky housewife? Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

I’d appreciate your honest opinion,
The VERY unhappy housewife