I am a 25-year-old woman with a major attitude problem. See? I’m the first
one to admit it. But I don’t know what to do about it, and I’m really
scared that it’s going to ruin my relationship.

Background: I had never dated, never even kissed a boy or held hands with
one or exchanged glances with one, until I was almost 24 years old. I had
spent my whole adult life trying to deconstruct why this was: Because I grew
up as a non-white in a rural, predominantly white town? Because I was fat?
Because I was ugly? Because I had an unattractive personality? Because I
came across as too desperate to the guys I did like? Because I didn’t come
across as desperate enough? And later, because I went to a notoriously nerdy
college with little-to-no active dating scene? Et cetera, et cetera.
Needless to say, the only answers that I would come up with were the ones
that marked me as one of the lowest of low-esteem girls in the entire
country.

At some point, though, I just said “fuck it all,” got myself righteously
inebriated (which in and of itself was QUITE guilt-inducing, since my
religion precludes me from drinking at all), and kissed whichever boys were
within reach. Not on the same night, you understand — just two boys, very
nice and decent, within a couple of months’ time of each other. They, being
boys, each kissed me back, and ultimately we ended up in these faux
“relationships” that ended in emotional hurt for him (Boy 1) and for me (Boy
2) respectively.

In December 2002, however, everything changed when I met E. I was just
getting over Boy 2 at the time, so his attentions were wonderful balm. Very
slowly, very surely, I started falling for him. He was the first boy I
slept with. Today, E is the love of my life.

E and I are in a committed relationship. We are both starting graduate
programs next fall, in different fields and schools, but in the same
geographic area clear across the country. Though we are not going to live
together next year, we very consciously made our graduate school decision so
that we could be in the same city and maintain our relationship. E. is a
saint with regard to dealing with all of my idiosyncrasies; I like to think
that I handle his equally well. It’s totally amazing to me that after so
many years of struggling to find any human contact at all, I’ve found a
perfect companion.

Here’s the problem, though: I am still plagued by the questions of my
boy-less youth, and I still resent my lack of relationship experience. And
it’s affecting my interactions with E. It used to be, whenever E would
talk about a previous relationship of his in passing, I would pester him
with deeply intimate questions purely for the masochistic pleasure of it.
He used to be very honest in answering these questions, until he realized
how these conversations would always, always lead to me dwelling on my past
and expressing UNDUE jealousy about his past. Now he just point-blank
refuses to talk about his past, which just pisses me off, since I talk to
him about everything.

So…recently, I’ve been having fantasies of cheating on him. Not because I
don’t love him, but simply because I have this wild idea that I need to
“equalize the playing field,” i.e., date and fuck as many men as he has
women, and that this will solve all of my emotional hang-ups. Yeah, I DO
know how screwed up this all sounds, and I would never in a million years
actually do this, but the idea of it is so, so appealing.

Plus, last night, I did an awful thing: I Googled each and every previous
girlfriend he ever had, simply in hopes of finding photos of them to see how
I compared. I wasn’t successful — thank God! — but still managed to make
myself feel pretty crappy by finding out how accomplished, how talented they
were. And get this: I actually told E that I did this afterwards, and now
he thinks I’m (mildly) psychotic.

Sars, I think I AM going nuts, and I don’t know what to do about it. E and
I have a very open relationship, and we’ve talked about my issues out to
wazoo; he seems to think that I should Just. Get. Over. It. on my own. I
think I need help. I tried counseling once, but did not have a great
experience. I am in school, and am severely limited by what my dinky
student health insurance covers; this situation isn’t going to change
anytime in the near future, as I enter a long PhD program.

I also think what I need are other confidantes who are not E. My family is
out, because (in case you didn’t think this was screwed up enough) I haven’t
yet told them about E, because of the aforementioned conflict of interest
with my religion. I’m lucky to have a large, loving friendship circle, but
they pretty much think I’ve got it great to have a boyfriend like E, and
don’t understand how I could still be hung up on high school issues (and
college issues, and post-college issues, but whatever).

So I’m at a loss. And scared to death.

Any comments?

Thanks,
I WISH I Could Just Get Over It and Move On

I’m hoping you can help me with this oh-so-high-school problem.

Some background.

Me: The nerd. Famous for having the highest GPA, breaking the curve,
general insanity, and an abnormal dependence on coffee. Not too good
with the social graces. Happily friends with the other misfits. The
other female misfits, that is. I’m currently, as always,
boyfriendless.

Smart Guy: He’s a senior, a year older than me. Extremely good-looking, also extremely intelligent. I happened to once overhear one
of the popular girls describing him. Her words were, “Yeah, Smart
Guy’s definitely hot, but, God, have you ever talked to him? He,
like, can’t stop being a total brainiac all the time!” This is
verbatim.

And…Friend-ish girl. I know her, because all the non-popular people
tend to hang out together. She’s gorgeous, of Indian descent, perfect
skin, long dark hair, but somehow, blue eyes. However, her parents
are typically strict. They practice Hinduism devoutly. I don’t
think I’ve ever seen her ankles exposed, or her shoulders. Friend-ish
girl is really shy. She usually comes off as a bit odd, but nice
overall.

So…Friend-ish girl has been OBSESSED with Smart Guy since we were
freshmen. Those who know her refer to her teasingly as his “stalker.”
He, however, does not know she exists. And really, I don’t think he
ever will. She’s waaay too shy to even talk to him, and, technically,
she’s not allowed to date.

I, of course, also like Smart Guy. At least, I think I do. I sort of
know him — I’m a year up in math, so I’ve been in his math class my
freshman year and this year. Now, no one knows I like Smart Guy.

I’m on the tennis team, and thus, in the spring, I hang out with some
of the popular girls also on the team by default. They all have their
boyfriends of the minute. One of them is always bugging me to tell
her “who I like,” so that she can “introduce us.” She has also
suggested to me, independently, that I “should go out with Smart Guy
or this Other Smart Guy,” multiple times, because she thinks that we
would be a good match.

So, my problem here is twofold. I always tell myself “you should
say ‘hi’ to Smart Guy when you see him today.” If I’m stuck on a math
problem, I think “hey, you could call Smart Guy and ask him for help.”
I always, of course, wind up calling my slightly-insane friend in the
class instead. Basically, I’m a chicken.

And…I can’t ask any of my friends for help, because everyone knows
that Friend-ish girl LUUUUVS Smart Guy, and it would be a bit weird
for me to like him too…and even if I could even TALK to him, I
always act like a total ditz/spaz.

I’ve considered asking Tennis Team Popular Girls for help/advice. I’m
always jealous of Cady in the excellent movie Mean Girls who is
“taken in” by the popular group and shown how to act despite her
clueless ways. I’ve heard, however, enough about other people from
Popular Girls to suspect that they would rip me to shreds behind my
back if I ever talked to them.

I don’t know if I’ve made any sense here, but…help?

Tomato Fan, apologizing for stealing the next plot off the Disney
Channel movie of the week

I’m kind of going through a dry spell right now; you know how after reading an incredible book, you have trouble deciding what to read next? And this may be just me (again, this is laundry-hamper-of-unhealthy-quirks girl talking), but I get nervous that the next book I read will be so bland by comparison that I’ll be forced to re-read the Wonder Book over and over for an eternity.

Point, you ask? I recently finished Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s 100 Years of Solitude, and it was indeed of the aforementioned caliber (if you’ve not read it, please, as a favor to yourself, do so immediately). I thought by reading his other works I could sort of step-ladder myself back into other literature, but I’m still stuck.

Point, you ask (this time with undertones of righteous irritation)? I need from you recommendations for books that made you exclaim aloud, turned your knees into jelly, and caused you to form healthy grudges against fictional characters because they’ve been so masterfully developed.

Thanks for making it to the end.

Signed,
An unabashed nerd

There is a boy (oh there ALWAYS is) that I have been trying to maintain a long-distance (only an hour and a half away) relationship with over the past month and a half. Even after reading your letter to Say It Ain’t So, I broke golden rule number 3 -– never have State of the Relationship Union talks over the phone. It was impossible for me to not bring it up because it’s all I’ve been thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. I consider myself a fixation person -– meaning once I see something that is wrong I fixate on it until I can make it better, which I usually can’t and I should just learn to let go, but at this point I’m not able to do so.

Boy lives in hometown. I’ve known him for over four years. I moved away from said hometown because it was sucking the life out me and was turning me into a hardcore drinker. I didn’t like that. I didn’t want to be an alcoholic so I removed myself from the situation in which I was prone to go out drinking every night. Boy and I have known each other a LONG time. I have major issues when it comes to boys -– just being around them, and he was one of the first boys I ever felt truly comfortable around. So yeah, like a month and a half before I move we kind of hook it up. Boy knows I’m planning on moving, has even agreed prior to our hooking up to come help me look for apartments in my new city. Boy does this. I think everything is going good. Boy has minor freakout and avoids me shortly after I move down. I call Boy on this, we discuss, decide this is what we want to do, blah blah blah we’re-on-the-same-page-now-cakes.

Oh yeah, neither Boy nor I have ever had a serious relationship with anyone. Period. I’m 22, he’s 21. My last relationship lasted six months and was me convincing myself this boy liked me but in actuality he was really only using me as a piece of ass. I have issues with that still and I’m wondering if it doesn’t have something to do with my current situation.

Meanwhile, I have sunk to a new level of depression since moving to new city. I’m finding it increasingly hard to get out of bed every day and function. I’ve been through depression before and I think the only way I’m going to get out of this is to get on some medication. Unfortunately for me, new city has a lack of mental health professionals and I’m having a hard time getting an appointment with anybody to get something that will make me feel better. I also have anxiety (as you probably know, it usually goes hand in hand with depression), which makes it hard for me to want to go out and do things socially.

Last Thursday, I had reached a VERY low point. We’re talking so low I considered going to the hospital because it was that bad. Boy works nights and so he called me on his break. I tried to describe how I felt to him and he kind of just started saying rather hurtful things to me. He thinks that I just need to get out and try and meet people and do things and then I’ll feel better. He doesn’t think I need to go on medication. He thinks I just need to suck it up or something along those lines. I tell him I agree that I would probably feel better if I had some social interaction but that even getting out of bed is a major task for me. So something that is a hard for me to do even when I am not depressed (like being in social situations) seems like the most daunting challenge possible. That night I didn’t let myself process what he said but over the weekend I fixated. I became convinced that he didn’t want to be in this relationship with me anymore but he was too scared to tell me.

I tell him this last night. And he said, no, I thought everything was going fine. He says that when we don’t talk for a few days I start to get all weirded out about our relationship. I tell him he never calls me. He tells me his life isn’t that exciting and he doesn’t have that much to say. I say no, when you know I am back in hometown (I still occasionally go back and work in hometown a day or two here and there) you don’t call me and try to get together with me. We were starting to get into the meat of what I think the problem is but his break was over and he had to go. We’re supposed to finish the conversation this evening.

Am I crazy for thinking he should be more understanding with me about my depression?

And another thing, I was reading my friend’s copy of He’s Just Not That Into You and I think it messed with my head. If he doesn’t call and try to see me it means he really doesn’t want to be with me, right? He hasn’t once tried to make arrangements to come see me in new city. I really like the kid and I have a hard time letting go but I think that’s just what I need to do. Any advice you could offer would be awesome.

Do I Have Issues?

I read your column frequently but never thought I’d need to write.
When you hear this, you’re probably going to say, “Quit your whining
and just do it already”, and you’d be right. However this simple
thing feels like opening Pandora’s Box.

The problem is that I need to email my ex-husband and ask for his
address, and I really don’t want to do it. We were together for
eleven years and married for eight. He’s not a terrible person. In
fact, he’s witty and smart. We had no children and while our divorce
had the usual drama (threats to “go O.J.” on my ass), it ended
somewhat amicably. Getting a divorce was the hardest decision I ever
made in my life, and it has turned out to be one of the best ones.
My ex-husband, for all of his charm, was highly irresponsible and
rather childish. He was stubborn and refused to see how his actions
affected others. I enabled this behavior for a while before coming to
the realization that I was a wife, not a mother.

After leaving him, my life became exponentially better. Four years
later, I’m doing really well and have achieved much more than I ever
thought was possible. The thing is that the ex went into a slide
when I left. He became despondent, then manic. He moved across
country to be with a girl he’d only known a short while. He then
moved to another big city and couldn’t find a job, so the girlfriend
dumped him. He moved to a smaller town and lived over a friend’s
garage and worked in his store. Then he moved again to another state
to take care of his mom. He still doesn’t have a driver’s license
and basically lives life in a very anxiety-ridden state. I know this
because the we have mutual friends and some of them have
employed/housed him and kept in touch with him. He and I have had
minimal contact, and we haven’t even spoken for the past two years.

The thing is that when my ex and I split, we divided our mutual
funds. Somehow, the mutual fund company or the financial advisor
messed up and didn’t take my name off the share of funds that were to
go to him. I’m the primary account holder on these funds and have
just filed the statements away, not even opening them. The ex has
never even asked about it (and quite honestly, after getting a
run-around from the mutual fund company, I forgot about it), but it
is his money and if he’s going through a financial hardship, he may
need it. What I need to do is get my name off the account and have
the statements go to him, but I don’t want him to know where I am or
how I’m doing. The friends that we have in common are no longer in
touch with him. I just want to get his money to him in as safe and
private manner as possible.

I’m now remarried to an absolutely wonderful man and know I’m
extremely fortunate. I don’t even want him to know I’ve re-married (I
married a business associate of his). I think part of me feels guilty
that my life has improved and his life has fallen apart, but I also
know that his happiness isn’t my responsibility. There’s just this
hard feeling in my gut that says, “Don’t do it! Let him email you.
Keep his money safe and ignore the fact that you get monthly
statements with your former married name on them.”

Am I being silly? Or am I being ego-centric to even think that the ex
cares about where I am and what I’m doing? Please help!

Going Postal