The Vine: January 27, 2005
Hi Sars —
This isn’t earth-shatteringly important, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to
ask anyway. You said in a past Vine that you don’t like Dickens’ writing.
I was wondering — why not? Do you think it isn’t that good from a literary
standpoint? If so, why? Is it just not to your taste? I’m asking because I
think you’re a talented writer and I respect your opinion, and also because
I just started reading David Copperfield and I love it. (No, I’m not
trying to pick a fight; I’m just curious.)
Unschooled in the ways of the literati
Dear You Can Have It,
I don’t like Dickens because he just takes too damn long to get there; the guy wrote by the pound, and as a nationally ranked Courier-font-using paper-padder in my own time, I can tell you, it shows. And it’s frustrating, because it’s not like the guy is a blatherer only. Dickens could really write, and when he got out of his own pound-sterling-per-word way and just told a story, he could do it well. A Tale of Two Cities is a legitimate classic.
But then on the other hand you’ve got Hard Times, which, no kidding, Chuck. Like, for an impenetrable novel, take an uninterestingly slender short story and add water. Hundreds and hundreds of pages of water.
The word bloat doesn’t bother some people, but I find it distracting and dull, and it’s not just Dickens; a lot of Victorian novelists just go on and on with quality of the light and fine gradations in brow-beetling, and it’s not that the writing is poor, per se. It’s that, as an exercise, I don’t care to read it, so if Mesdemoiselles Bronte could perhaps step lively to the point, we’re waiting.
I dig Hemingway; a lot of people will compare his prose to reading a drunk telegram. It’s just personal preference, really.
Hey Sars —
I have a good friend who is going through some really tough times and, like most friends, I feel so helpless just being a shoulder to cry on. I’d love to give her a magic pill to fix everything, but…well, life sucks sometimes and you find strength on just getting through it, right?
So, my problem. I am a very private person who doesn’t share easily. I’ve had some shitty things happen to me that I prefer to keep to myself. The thing is, I wonder if confiding in my friend would help her out. She feels really crappy about herself, very insecure, just lonely, you know? I’d like to let her know that I’ve felt these things and she’s not crazy, we’re all really confused a lot of the time, and there are people who understand. But it would be a huge thing for me to let some of this stuff out, stuff that I’ve handled on my own and don’t really want to bring out in the open, not to mention trust someone else to keep quiet. It could also seem like I’m looking for comfort from her when she’s really got enough to deal with. So, keep the shoulder ready, or let it all out?
Bottled Up
Dear Bottle,
It seems like you’re ready to open up a bit, yourself, and if you want to help your friend feel less isolated, I can’t think of a better time. If she’s really a friend, she’ll understand that certain things are to be kept in confidence, but you can remind her of that if you want to make sure.
Telling her about things in your past doesn’t require you to go into detail, or to answer questions, or to talk about them on other occasions if you don’t care to — if the conversation is going in a direction that you feel is invasive, just say you’d prefer not to get into it. Surely it hasn’t escaped her notice that you’re fairly private.
I don’t think you’re worried so much about sharing as you are about being obligated to keep sharing, or that you can’t control the sharing, but you aren’t, and — well, you can’t really control who she tells, but you can give her to understand that she shouldn’t tell anyone, and if she does, it’s on her, not you.
People do like to know that it’s not just them the world is kicking in the ribs; trusting her will help her to trust you.
Sars,
I have a family problem. I need a tactful way to tell certain family members to shut the hell up before I beat them to a bloody pulp. You’re the only person I can think of who can word it in a nicer manner. So here we go.
The story begins with my cousin X getting married to her partner, Y. X and I are fairly close so we see each other often. The wedding and starting a family with Y has dominated conversation in recent months, which is fair enough — she’s excited.
However, X and her parents constantly bring up the topic of me getting married. Things like “You’re 22, don’t you think its time you settled down and got married? God doesn’t like you and Z [my partner of four years] living in sin.” I’m like, uh, NO! I don’t want to get married. Z and I are happy living in sin so God can just bugger off. I can usually just ignore that.
BUT then they start on about me having children of my own. I can’t have kids. A few medical problems I have has resulted in me being infertile. Not even IVF could help me have children. They know this. X also knows that it is a really painful topic for me. At 20 (when I found out) I wasn’t really thinking about kids, but I didn’t like having that decision made for me.
It really upsets me that they keep bringing it up. My mother asked me not to start another fight with them (I recently had some words with my uncle that he objected to), so I just say, “Very funny, you know I can’t have kids” in the hopes they stop. They don’t.
I feel like I’m constantly stopping myself from yelling at them. I don’t want to start a family fight, but if they’re going to be so insensitive they deserve what they get. But my mum doesn’t deserve the abuse she’ll get from them about how rude I was and how I ruined X’s wedding (it’ll happen. It always does when I upset them). So what do I say to make them stop and still protect my mum?
Thanks,
My Tongue Is Bleeding I’m Biting It So Hard
Dear Tongue,
Say nothing. Just stare at them. Resist the urge to throw in a snappy comeback or a rude comment; just…stand there.
They probably won’t get it, not really, and your mother will probably hear a whole ration of shit about how you cut them dead and well they never, blah blah blah, but frankly, if they make these hurtful remarks and your mom doesn’t tell them to stuff it instead of telling you not to start fights with them? She’s got that ration coming, because that’s ridiculous. I know she wants to keep the peace, but — why? Because they’re so supportive and sweet?
The next time the subject comes up, ice them down with a glare and walk off. That’s about as much of your energy as these people deserve.
And for what will of course not be the last goddamn time but I’ll repeat it anyway: People? When other people are going to get married or have babies, or pick a date, or pick a name, or feel him kicking, or decide where to go on their honeymoons, they will let you know. For the love of beer and skittles, don’t confuse nosy questions and “making conversation,” because they aren’t the same, and if you don’t know the difference? LEARN IT.
Tags: friendships popcult the fam
