The Vine: January 27, 2006
Sars —
I almost hesitate to answer the question about where
“Grown” can find info on political donations, because
I agree it might cause more problems than it solves
for her…
…but just to make sure her grandma’s not donating
thousands in her name, she could check out the Federal
Election Commission’s web site. You can search for individual donors or by state, PAC,
candidate, etc. I don’t think donor names are listed
for donations smaller than $200.
Google says similar info for Louisiana state races is
at http://www.ethics.state.la.us/. I don’t know the
rules about disclosure thresholds and whatnot in that
state.
NK
O Wise and Mighty Sars,
Love The Vine, love your advice, hate my life. Help!
Okay, here is the abridged version of the story of my crazy fucked-up
family: I am 23, my parents are alcoholics. At 19 I had had enough so I
decided to look for my own apartment. Parents then played the “We won’t pay your
tuition if you move. If you are so independent pay your own way, big shot…”
blah blah blah manipulation-cakes. I moved into my own place and it was great
for a month or so. Then my younger sister, let’s call her L (she was 13 at
the time) told me how bad it was at home and she didn’t want to be a bother
but could she come to my place after school instead of home. I said yes,
parents flipped out more…drinking increased, stability
decreased…ultimately she ends up living with me.
So, now, I am working full-time as a nanny and going to school part-time, L
is 17 and a junior in high school, part-time job after school. Our older sister, B,
is single, 26, and recently had a baby. She has never been totally stable
and I hoped the baby would change her, focus her, but it didn’t. She freaked
out and asked me to help her because I have more experience with babies than she
does. No prob, I adore my little nephew and I am happy to watch him — even
keep him overnight once or twice a week so she can get some sleep. Three
months went by and she did not improve — she was depressed, constantly crying,
et cetera.
Okay, sorry for rambling, here comes my problem. I come home from school one
night and my boyfriend and my sister are home and playing with my nephew. I
was annoyed because B didn’t ask me if she could drop him off with us, but
boyfriend assured me he didn’t mind pitching in and that B looked weird.
Me: “Weird how?”
Bf: “Uhh…kinda…happy.”
Me: “Huh…hmm..okay.”
I quickly forgot my annoyance and cuddled the baby.
A while later the phone rings, it’s B. She asks if I read the note yet. I’m
like, “Note?” She quickly says she will call back later and hangs up. I root
through diaper bag and voila! envelope. Envelope filled with $600 and a note
explaining why she can’t be a parent anymore and why I should be the one to
take care of baby while she goes off looking for God or something. WHAT?
Bf, L, and I read, fume, re-read, re-fume, et cetera. When B calls I try to remain
calm while asking her WHAT IN THE HELL SHE IS THINKING. She reiterates that
she doesn’t feel like she can be a good mother. I tried to reason with her
but she had a weird, certain, final tone in her voice…very calm, perhaps
under the influence of drugs, I don’t know. I suggest counseling, et cetera and
ask her to come over so we can talk about it. This is when she announces
that she is using a calling card and calling en route to FUCKING UTAH (we
live in NY) where she has no specific plans, no idea when or if she will
return. I mention this might be a good time to tell me who baby’s daddy is
(she always refused) and she said he was a one-night stand — she has no clue
who or where he might be. I start to freak and she says she will call soon
“to see how you guys are all doing.”
It was been almost a month with no word from her. My employers have been
really sweet and understanding and have been letting me bring the baby to
work, and L and boyfriend have been tons of help…but I am still at a loss
as to if/how I can do this. There are practical problems: money, time,
health insurance et cetera, and emotional problems — in that I resent the hell
out of my parents and my sister for abandoning their responsibilities (a.k.a.
children) and leaving me with this mess. Not to be melodramatic, but I am 23
and I feel like my youth, my options, my future have been taken away from
me.
My only options as I see them are:
(A) Give baby to my parents to raise (NEVER)
(B) Give baby to social services (NEVER)
(C) Petition for custody, raise him, and try not to resent the hell out of
my sister.
To complicate matters, BF has talked to my younger sister, L, about
proposing…he has a vision of he and I and baby being an instant family.
We’ve only been dating seven months and, even though I love him, if he had asked
me before all of this I would have said no. However, he is obviously an
awesome guy to not only put up with this, but to offer to buy into it for
life (theoretically anyway). Plus, it would be way easier financially and it
would take the burden off of L…I don’t want her to not go away to college
or something because she has to stay and help me take care of our nephew.
She has already offered, saying that I was there for her so she will be
there for me…but that somehow makes me feel worse. I don’t want her to
give up her life because of someone else’s mistakes (not that my nephew is
the mistake, but his mother’s abandonment surely is). On a selfish level, I
don’t want to give up MY life for her mistakes either.
I guess this entails a lot of questions and is super-long, which I apologize
for. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I marry Boyfriend if he asks? What
the hell do I do?
I’m meeting with a lawyer and a therapist next week, but I figured writing
to you couldn’t hurt.
Sincerely,
This is why I am on the Pill, dammit!
Dear Pill,
…Damn.
I don’t think you’re wrong to feel this way at all; you’ve had a lot to deal with in your life already, in terms of getting responsibilities you didn’t ask for, and I’d resent the hell out of the situation too — but then you feel guilty, I think, because it’s not the baby’s fault, which I think is normal too. This is a crazy situation, and any emotions you’re having about it, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for. You’re doing the best you can.
As for what the hell you do — my suggestion would have been to meet with a family lawyer, but it sounds like you’re on that tip already, so for now, just sit tight. Make a list of stuff to ask the lawyer about, including everything you’ve mentioned to me, as well as what happens if your sister turns up again; if she does, what rights you have in the situation should you feel she’s unfit; what rights Boyfriend would have if you got married (which I don’t advise, by the way, but you might as well ask); whether you can authorize an adoption without the birth parents’ consent; whether you’re eligible for state aid (you’re a student, and diapers aren’t cheap); whether you can adopt your nephew and what that means for your sister; just ask everything. Inquiring about adopting, or getting married, doesn’t mean you have to do it. You just want to know all your options.
I think, in all of this, you have to focus on what’s going to be best for the kid, and in your shoes, I would either suck it up and prepare to be Auntie Mommy because that’s life, or I would start looking into a private adoption. I think you could probably do a great job as a parent, even if you hadn’t planned on taking the job; you’re holding up heroically in an impossible situation already, so I think you’d be better at doing it than you think.
But on the other hand, if you don’t have some legal set-up in place, your sister could come back, take the baby, change her mind, blah — she just doesn’t sound like parent material, and I think that maybe putting the baby in a stable household where your sister isn’t a factor, at all, is the best thing for him. The longer the situation lasts, the more the child absorbs the ad-hoc nature of his environment, and kids are resilient, but ideally, you want him in a stable, predictable household where this kind of abandonment drama won’t be a factor in the future.
Whatever decision you make, though, give yourself some credit and don’t feel too guilty about it. You didn’t ask for this, and you’re doing the best you can under a lot of pressure, with no real support from your parents — and so far, your best sounds pretty damn good to me. You’re handling it; you’re stepping up. It’s more than a lot of people would do (as you unfortunately have seen firsthand). In all the confusion, try to remember that, and try to do what you think the baby needs.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
Hi Sars:
My husband and I have been married almost four years. In the last year, four of my coworkers have gotten pregnant, and I’ve had to endure countless “Don’t drink the water!” comments. I know another colleague is trying to get pregnant in the next few months, and at that point I will be the only married young woman in the office without kids. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but we’re waiting to have kids until my husband has nurtured, labored over and delivered his doctoral dissertation. He’s a big fan of writing this without the distraction of a child, and I’m a big fan of him having a full-time job with benefits before we get pregnant. Probably 90% of my office knows that my husband is still in school.
So here’s my question. When people make comments about me having kids, is it more appropriate to take them aside and explain that I’m starting to get uncomfortable with these comments and I’d appreciate it if the next time the subject of me and babies was raised, I was the one doing the raising — OR should I reply with a pointed, joking comment such as “Ha, ha, you’re next! I love saying that to people at funerals”? I understand that these comments are meant to be friendly, but they’re really getting to me. The truth is that I’d really love to be pregnant right this minute, but I know that if we wait a year or so we’ll be in a much better position to have a kid.
Thanks,
My Cat Is My Displacement Child
Dear Dis,
Well, which is it: you think they should know why you’re not pregnant, or you think it’s none of their business? I understand that those kinds of comments get irritating fast, but you kind of can’t have it both ways.
I’ll give you my standard counsel for unwanted questions or comments — smile, ask why they’d say such a thing to you/tell them it needn’t concern them, and change the subject — but I get the feeling that, in this case, this is more about you wanting “to be pregnant right this minute” than it is about their insensitivity.
Your time will come. Just decline to answer questions and get on with your day.
Dear Sars,
I have a problem which could be a Boy problem, but may instead be a Me problem. I’m throwing it your way because your advice style seems similar to mine (i.e. “Don’t be stupid, stupid.”) so I’ll listen to it more.
The past couple of guys I’ve gone out with have been nice enough guys, but they were…let’s say, “weak.” Case in point: The current boy lives about 90 minutes away, and was coming into town to help a friend of his move. He tells me this over AIM, and then says, “I’d try to invent some excuse to come visit you, but just about every Sunday you have an away message up that says you’re grading and thus probably don’t want to be bugged.” Now, first of all, Monday was a holiday and no one had school, so it’s unlikely I would be busy with school things. And second, after I help people move I just want to go home and lie down, so I wasn’t expecting to get together with him. But the biggest issue I had was that he couldn’t just ask me to see him. It’s not like this is our first date, it’s not like our last date was a disaster, I haven’t seen him in about a month because of vacations. It’s very likely I would be interested in doing something. I don’t see why he has to be so passive-aggressive about it. It actually makes me want to see him less.
Anyways, this is just an example of a pattern with him. And as I was describing this to my roommate, and lamenting my inability to find men with spines, she said she thought I was more straightforward than most people, that I would want people to be honest and most others don’t mind the bullshit. Which I guess is pretty accurate. I would rather have a guy say, “I’m not interested in you,” instead of always being busy when I ask. And I would like a guy to say, “Wanna have dinner with me?” instead of forcing me to voice my opinion first and then saying, “Well, I was thinking of dinner, but I wanted to see what YOU thought.” I know other women like their men to be whipped, but I certainly don’t. I don’t want a “bad boy,” just someone who is not at the other end of the spectrum.
I guess my question is this: Am I being a bitch about this? Am I somehow ignoring, I don’t know, “manners” or something, by wanting men to just ask me out if they are interested, rather than dance around the issue? I’m not saying I want the guy to do all the work; I have no problem asking a guy out or saying, “Let’s go get coffee and keep talking.” I know everyone is afraid of rejection, it’s scary out there, it’s a defense mechanism, etc., but we’re talking about behavoir that happens after we’ve had at least one date. One would think the chances of me being interested are pretty good. And we’re not talking teenagers here; I’m 28 and these guys are the same age. Should I get used to it? Am I just overly cynical or is this an actual problem that other people experience?
Signed,
If I Have To Have A Spine, So Do You
Dear Spine,
Have you and your spine told the boy in question that you’d appreciate a more direct approach, because the “I thought you wouldn’t want to wah wah blah” thing sounds like an excuse not to see you? Can you and your spine just…break it off with him if he’s that annoying?
I have to say, I’m not sure what you’re asking me here. I agree that the behavior you describe is annoying, but if that’s how he is, you can either tell him you’d like him to express a more forceful opinion now and then, or you can dump him and find someone else. You’ve made a point of saying in your letter that you’re considered forthright and direct, so…?
Maybe you want to know, in a more global sense, if this kind of guy is your “fate,” which, I don’t think so. But if you see a pattern in your dating history of winding up with guys like this — too mellow, too accommodating, too indecisive, too whatever — maybe it’s something to think about. Maybe there’s some sort of challenge you feel in the situation, that you keep putting yourself in these situations and hoping they’ll turn out differently, that you won’t be the one taking charge this time, that the guy will change and become more spine-y for you.
But, as you know, people don’t really change for other people, so you might consider that there’s an attraction on your part to guys like this — unconscious, but driven by something in you that seems to need to confront this dilemma over and over again.
He’s not going to read your mind, though, so tell him “forthrightly” that you’re over the pussyfooting on his part, and take it from there.
This isn’t a problem about a boy…at least not exactly.
I’m a first-year student in a three-year grad program. Due to a disastrous apartment hunt, I opted to live in school housing with other grad students in my program. I have a roommate, also a first-year student in our program, who is a great roommate and who I’ve become friends with in the last few months.
The problem is that my roommate, A, is a big flirt and seems to need constant validation from guys. And this is putting me in an awkward situation within our program. A has a long-term boyfriend (living about five hours away, where he works) and has never, to my knowledge, so much as kissed another guy. However, she is a very touchy person, very coy in certain respects, and especially when she drinks, certainly gives people the impression that she is interested in them. She’s acted this way in a group setting with a few guys whom I’m better friends with (they’re in more classes with me), at least one who really seems to like her and take her behavior at face value. When she comes up (from him, or from his friends), I feel like I either have to be the one to let him down (she has a boyfriend, she has no interest in breaking up with the boyfriend, she’s said he’s not her type regardless of boyfriend being in the picture) or lie to him (which is problematic, because we’re becoming pretty good friends, closer even than rooommate and I, and he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself either).
She laughs off any comments I or another friend make (especially after a night of drinking, dancing and flirting) by saying she’s just having fun and they know not to take her seriously. But obviously at least some people don’t, and I don’t completely blame them.
I believe that she shouldn’t be demonized for being flirty and having fun. I also spent time wondering if I’m jealous of her (she’s cute, she gets lots of attention, she has a boyfriend already and I don’t at the moment). But that shouldn’t be it either — my best friend from college did some modelling, so I’m used to being out with girls who get tons of attention. The problem is that A’s flirtation is fun, but it goes past that really to being closer to foreplay so I don’t really blame guys for getting the wrong idea. Maybe she knows this, maybe she doesn’t. Being attractive is very important to her, and I wonder if part of the dissonance is our age difference (I worked three years before going back to school, she’s just out of college and a little immature even compared to others here who are just out of college).
I feel uncomfortable defending her behavior to others in our class, since I sort of agree she often crosses the line. But on the other hand, I don’t want to talk about her behind her back or put her down — she really is sweet, especially when she’s not around guys. I’ve tried to tell her that maybe she’s giving off the wrong impression, but she laughs it off, and I don’t want to tell her what others are saying because that could hurt her and it would be a betrayal of their confidences too. I don’t feel like I know her well enough to be really tough (we’ve known each other since September and we’re planning on living together next year too, because she genuinely is a great roommate, with this exception). If she was a college or high school friend I’d call her on this, but we’re not at that point in our friendship yet.
At this point, I tend to tell others that she means well and then change the conversation if her flirting comes up, but that isn’t a great solution to me. Any ideas?
Thanks,
If her boyfriend knew what went on Thursday nights…
Dear Thursday’s Child,
So, basically, you want her to knock off the flirting because it puts you in an uncomfortable position, right? I mean, this isn’t about what she does. It’s about how it affects you.
I’m not busting on you for that, because I’d be annoyed too, probably, but if you’ve told her that her behavior puts you in an uncomfortable position, you’ve done everything you personally can do — because her behavior is her problem, and you kind of need to let her, and anyone around her, get that. Nobody holds you responsible for her flirtations, and you’re not required to pick a side, or defend/rag on her actions. You can just roll your eyes and change the subject.
I hear you, but…this isn’t your job, so just…don’t do it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships kids the fam
I think about the letter from Pill all the time. I wonder what ended up happening and how she and her family are doing.