The Vine: January 28, 2003
I just wanted to add something to your advice to C. I was in a very
similar situation six years ago — skipping classes, staying at home
depressed and shy, lying to my folks about my failing grades out of fear
of being judged a failure, et cetera et cetera. I ended up flunking out of
university, eventually got better, yadda yadda, now I’m wonderwoman.
ANYWAY. Getting professional help should be her number one priority,
but while she’s in the process of getting better, she should withdraw as
soon as she can from the classes she’s failing because of not attending.
If it’s too late to do the normal withdrawing thing, she can probably
get a medical form from her campus health services that lets her
withdraw. It’s a standard form, and it seems intimidating to ask for but
they get it all the time and it’s very routine.
I wish I’d done this
way back when, both to avoid the tears and dejection of getting failing
grades, and because now as I’m going back to school at last, all those
Fs and Ns on my transcript are a big hurdle to overcome and send me
right back to thinking about those miserable days.
Cheers,
Been there, done that, wish I hadn’t bought the t-shirt
Dear Been,
Excellent idea, and one several other readers suggested as well. It might seem embarrassing, or like admitting defeat, but it will save C trouble later, and she can just view it as “rescheduling.”
Hi Sars,
Please offer Spin and all of your readership these numbers
for the CDC National STD and AIDS Hotline:
1-800-227-8922 (STDs — open 24/7/365)
1-800-342-2437 (HIV/AIDS — open 24/7/365)
1-800-344-7432 (STDs, HIV/AIDS for Spanish speakers — open
8 AM – 2 AM EST 7/365)
1-800-243-7889 (STDs, HIV/AIDS TTY service for the hearing
impaired — open 10 AM -10 PM EST M-F)
And/or the websites:
www.ashastd.org (adults)
www.iwannaknow.org (children or teens)
All calls and emails are anonymous, so people who call can
discuss CDC-approved information, receive free
publications, or get referrals for health care, crisis
concerns, or social services without identifying
themselves. People who call can also process topics like
discussing protection with a partner, or speaking to a
health care provider. These hotlines are a free resource
for sexual health education and exist to serve everyone, so
please pass this information along to others.
A long-time fan (but not in a swim-fan way),
Safer sex worker
Dear Safer,
Thanks so much for those excellent resources.
Dear Sars,
I have a problem and I’m not quite sure what to do about it. I’m friends with these two women, Grace and Lydia. Both Grace and Lyd are nearly forty, and both would really like to find a nice guy and stop hooking up with random guys in bars. The problem is that they’re super-competitive.
Lyd is a little more aggressive than Grace, so if they both think a guy is cute and/or interesting, Lydia goes over and puts the moves on him. That’s fine when it’s times that they’re on neutral ground. But if Grace even mentions that she likes a guy, Lydia figures out a way to put herself in the middle of the situation, virtually eliminating Grace’s chances. Grace recognizes what’s going on and is usually pissed about it. Then they make up and life goes on.
The problem right this moment involves Bob. Grace has been crushing over this guy for months now. She only met him for about thirty seconds two months ago, and has been trying to figure out a way to run into him casually again ever since. At a going-away party the other night, Lydia showed up, but Grace was out of town. A friend points Bob out to Lydia, and she makes a beeline over to Bob. Lydia flirts and flirts and decides she now really likes the guy.
After she tells me this, I explain to her that Grace is most likely going to be pretty unhappy if she starts going out with a guy she has a crush on. Lydia then proceeds to exclaim that it’s not her fault that he likes her over Grace, and that she shouldn’t have to sacrifice her happiness over the “fantasies” of a friend. Grace didn’t hear any of that part, just the part about Bob and Lydia hitting it off. I’m trying my best to stay out of this, but the girls are getting cranky and I’m finding myself somewhat in the middle.
What, if anything, should I be doing about this other than minding my own business?
Stuck in St. Louis
Dear Stuck,
Nothing. Stay out of it. If the two of them can’t find a way to work it out, well, they can’t, but it’s not your job, and trying to broker a peace or negotiate for one with the other is only going to complicate the situation. Say so. Tell them to talk to each other and leave you out of it.
Hi Sars. I love The Vine, and was hoping you might be able to help me with
my poor neurotic feline.
I have an eight-year-old, female, neutered, solely-indoor apartment cat, “June.”
(I wouldn’t want her to get embarrassed seeing her name in print.) About a
year and a half ago, June’s littermate, “Bob,” died suddenly. They had
always been together, which worked perfectly because my job keeps me away
from home from mid-morning until quite late in the evening. They could keep
each other company, and I never kept them apart from their tiniest
kittenhood. So Bob’s death was quite a blow to both of us.
But I thought we had recovered, until this summer, when I started noticing
a bald patch on June’s abdomen. It kept getting larger and larger. Long
story short, she’s licking all her fur off. At this point, her lower abdomen
is almost bald, as are the backs of her legs, and a “stripe” on her lower
back where she can obviously twist around and lick herself, close to her
tail. This is a awful thing to see. The skin itself is healthy, thank
goodness (she’s not licking herself into sores), but the fur is gone.
The vet suggested that there might be some kind of stress or allergy causing
the problems, and I might try antihistamines and, if that doesn’t work,
sedatives. Because I’m an anthropomorphist, I asked the vet if she might be
missing Bob. The vet suggested it’s unlikely, because the barbering is
manifesting itself so long after Bob’s death. She also said that cats are
loners anyway, and that adding another cat to the household might make June
even more nervous.
So, I left the vet with some allergy medicine, which I have yet to try
because June is a very difficult cat to “pill.” Also, I just feel strange
giving medicine to my cat in the morning, say, and leaving her for my normal
ten- to twelve-hour work day — what if something happens to her? I’ll never
forget what it was like to walk in the apartment and see Bob dead on the
floor. Horrifying. It would be the same for the sedatives. I guess I would
administer the medicine at night, if I go that route — but what would
happen when I have to go out of town for a few days or a week? Who would
give June her medicine then?
I still wonder if June is losing her mind with boredom because I’m gone most
of the day and night, and if I should get another cat (a teenager, not a
baby — old enough to have an established personality, but young enough for
June to dominate). But that brings its own set of problems, like how to
introduce a new cat to an established cat household. June is loving and
friendly, but I have no idea what she thinks of others of her kind.
I’ve gone on long enough, but I was just wondering if you could lend any
insight to the medication issue, and if you think another companion might be
the answer.
Thanks much,
Cat Mommy Dearest
Dear Mommy,
The first priority here is to stop the over-grooming, so try the antihistamines, and if those don’t work, try the sedatives. Give June the pills at a time in your schedule that lets you keep an eye on her for any side effects. If you have to go out of town, leave her at a kennel where the staff can pill her for you. You’ll have to make a few adjustments to both your routines, but the key is to break June’s habit of licking herself bald, because it’s not good for her, and why she’s doing it doesn’t matter as much as stopping it. Deal with that first.
Once you’ve gotten the physical manifestation under control, you can address what exactly it’s manifesting in the second place, and to tell you the truth, I think June is bored and lonely. The cat-as-loner thing really depends on the cat; some of them don’t do well with other felines in the house, but June lived her whole life with her brother, and she’s used to having another cat around. See how she does on medication, and then scout around for another cat, preferably an adult or nearly-adult fixed male, to keep her company. I wouldn’t equate adding another cat to the household with Zen meditation, but most of the time the cats adjust pretty quickly and it’s not that chaotic.
But get her fur grown back first and take it from there.
Dear Sars,
You rule, and I need an objective opinion. It’s a longish story, but I’ll
try to keep it brief.
About eight months ago, my husband passed away suddenly and totally
unexpectedly of a cardiac arrhythmia we didn’t know he had. We were married
six years and our first child, a baby boy, turned six months old on the day
he passed away. Needless to say this was a shocking, devastating, horrible
tragedy. At the time, we were living in upstate NY, near his family but a
couple time zones away from mine.
So, we get through the funeral, and I make plans to go back home to my
family after spending a week or so tying up loose ends. His family starts to
get a little weird — it’s tough for me to deal with, but I realize that
everyone grieves differently, so I try to be accommodating and understanding
as possible. By the time they get around to asking for some of my late
husband’s possessions, however, I’m getting a little emotionally drained by
being around them, so I make a list of items they can have, leave it with
two good friends who were helping me pack up my apartment, and go to pay the
cemetery bill. Leaving the cemetery, I get a call on the cell phone from the
friends. Apparently my in-laws were going through our entire apartment (my
friends were doing their best to herd them, but it was two friends against
my husband’s parents and five of the seven adult siblings who live at home —
yeah, they’re weird). While rummaging through banker’s boxes of personal
documents, they found paperwork and photos relating to a baby I placed for
adoption shortly after graduating from high school. They grabbed these and
took off for home, at which point my friends called and told me what had
happened.
Mom, my baby, and I drive straight from the cemetery to their house to
confront them. I’m more furious than I’ve ever been in my life. Mom’s not
exactly thrilled, either. Nevertheless, when I arrive I manage to ask calmly
for my personal legal documents to be returned to me. They refuse to give
them back, threaten to call the police if I don’t leave, tell me my husband
was afraid of me, call me a whore, et cetera. It’s a real Jerry Springer moment. I
told them I’d be happy to have the police come over to discuss the matter of
property theft, and finally my sister-in-law throws the papers in the mud at
my feet and says, “You killed my brother, you fucking bitch!” I get the
papers from the mud and drive. Fast. Away.
Later, I find out that my in-laws thought I hadn’t told my husband about the
adopted baby, he found out, and this caused his heart to go. (In fact, I
told him before our engagement. I had considered telling them, but my
husband said they wouldn’t deal with it well.) I also find out that the
in-laws were asking our friends if they had ever seen us be affectionate
toward each other, and that the in-laws were telling people that there were
“rumors” (which I think they made up) about more insurance money. (There
wasn’t, and if there were, it’d be my business, anyway.)
So I’ve decided they’re evil, poisonous people and I’m just as happy to now
be 2000 miles away from them. They haven’t tried to contact me, I haven’t
tried to contact them. But.
My husband’s older sister (who’s married and
lives in her own house and wasn’t there on the fateful Jerry Springer day,
although she does live nearby) emailed me this morning, asking me to email
and let her know how we are. So, I’m looking for opinions. Should I email her
back at all? Email her, but tell her my side of the story? Email her and not
mention anything about the estrangement? Any advice you have is very
welcome.
Wary, But Trying To Be The Bigger Person
Dear Wary,
Good grief. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for your having to deal with those circus animals on top of it.
In order to tell you how to respond to your SIL’s email, I’d have to know more about your relationship with her prior to your husband’s death, and about her relationship with the rest of the family. Did you consider her a friend, or merely tolerate her as an in-law? Did your husband get on well with her? Do you think the rest of the family is using her as an “in” to find out what’s going on with you, or do you feel that she’s sincerely motivated by concern for you and your son?
I can’t really tell what’s going on behind the scenes with her, and it doesn’t sound like you can either, so here’s what I’d advise. Thank her for getting in touch and tell her everything’s fine. Don’t get into details, and don’t mention the rest of the family or the altercation you had with them, because it’s safe to assume that she’s already heard about it. Put the ball in her court.
If she continues the dialogue, you can see then how it goes, but for now, apply the “don’t complain, don’t explain” rule and keep your response polite, brief, and vague.
Tags: cats friendships health and beauty the fam
