Dear Sars:

Respect and admiration are yours, oh wise guru, especially if you can help me out with this little dilemma.

I’ve written you before, and thought I might as well give you a try here, since none of my friends are very much help, and I can’t consult my family for the reasons contained herein. I met this guy, we’ll call him Al, a couple of months ago, and was consequently frightened by the perfect way he fit into my life. He likes metal? So do I! He’s a movie geek? Me too! He loves RPGs? What a coincidence…you get the point. One of my friends has claimed
Al’s like the brother he never had, and the two of them get along like peas in a pod. All my other friends think he’s groovy, he’s even got the parental stamp of aproval.

Here’s the conundrum. I’ve only known him three months, give or take a week, and by mutual consent, we’ve already figured out that this is it for the both of us. He’s a great guy, not just personality-wise. He’s got a steady job, a car, and a plan for his life; he wants to be a history teacher. A teacher! He’s 21, I’m 19, and we’re already talking about what we would want the wedding to be like. It’s a foregone conclusion, as far as we’re concerned, and my friends agree, but my parents…not so much on the bandwagon.

He and I both live with our parents still (we only live three blocks away from one another, as we discovered when he was driving me home one evening. It’s kind of creepy, really, the way things turned out), he because he’s going to school and making car payments, and can’t reasonably afford rent on his paycheck, I because my parents are sort of protective, and want me to live at home while I attend college. Now that we’re together, we could pool our resources and make rent on a fairly nice two-bedroom apartment, in an okay part of town. The issue? We’ve known each other three months. Are we being hasty about moving in together? Should I trust fate, as this relationship is shaping up to be, or be cautious and wait? I will admit ignorance as to the commonality of this problem, as it is my first serious relationship. Am I being naive to believe that first love can be forever?

The second thing I ask is advice as to how I bring the issue of moving out up with the ‘rents. I’ve got a pretty good idea, but any tips on handling overbearing fathers would be greatly useful in this particular situation.

Thanks a bunch!
Fairy Tale Reality Check

Dear Coming Right Up,

Three months is too soon, in my opinion. It’s about three or four months into a relationship when you start to get into the less fairy-tale stuff; everyone’s not on such good behavior anymore, and you should really see how that shakes out before you sign a lease and move in together.

The issue isn’t the first-love aspect, really, so much as the fact that you’ve never lived apart from your parents — so you’re talking about making a life change that’s fairly significant on its own, one with which you have no experience, while you’re still negotiating a fairly new relationship, which is going to have to survive not only the financial and time pressures of moving but also every single little bullshit decision about which cereal bowls to buy and whether you want curtains or Venetian blinds and blah blah blah. I mean, do you have any of that stuff yet? Who gets what side of the bed? Who’s in charge of paying for what utilities? Who’s actually going to go on the lease?

I don’t get the sense that you’ve thought of any of that prosaic stuff, but it’s the prosaic stuff that’ll break you, and three months into things is usually too soon to be able to tell how it’s going to work out. Give it more time; get to know him better, and do a lot of talking about how you’d live together, what your fighting styles are and who has to do the dishes. Chill for a few more months.

When the time comes, tell your parents you’re moving; if they freak, say that you’re sorry they feel that way, but resist the urge to get into an argument about it or defend yourself over and over again. Acknowledge their doubts, if they express them, but make it clear that it isn’t really open for debate.

With that said…unless you want to move back in with them in six months’ time because you made a rash decision? Wait a bit.

Dear Sars,

Okay, as a college student, I have to deal with my obnoxious roommate “J.” J drinks. A lot. I don’t. But I’ve learned to deal with his alcoholic attachment and obnoxiousness over time. My problem has to deal with one of those spinoff effects of drunkenness.

Last night, I was sitting at my desk doing classwork when J comes in with a girl named A. J is definitely drunk out of his mind, I don’t know if A is drunk or not. The two climb into bed, presumably to go to sleep. I think nothing of it because J has done this many times without having sex with the girl he’s sleeping with. If he is going to have sex, J usually says that he needs “time alone” with the girl in question, which I always give him. In this case, he didn’t ask. So I head back to work without a second thought, thinking that they’re going to sleep off their hangovers.

Ten minutes later, I start hearing moans. These have to be really loud moans because at that time, I was playing the “1812 Overture” full blast in my headphones. I look over and see them well into making the beast with two backs, so they’ve been into it for awhile. I freeze up and don’t know what to do. I quickly think about my options:

1) Get up and leave, in which case they’ll definitely notice and be suddenly mortified and I’ll have to deal with the awkwardness of it all.

2) Just keep looking at my computer screen and play oblivious to the quite loud cacophony they’re making. I assume that they think I’m off in my own dream world and am oblivious to what they’re doing.

I choose option #2, figuring that discretion is the best part of valor and keep repeating the mantra “Don’t look back, just keep looking at the screen.” The situation passes and as of this morning J has pretended that nothing happened.

My question is: What should I have done in this situation, and did I make the right call?

Sincerely,
Still Looking Straight Forward at My Screen

Dear I Feel You,

Oh, the one-room-double audience hook-up. I don’t miss college that much, I have to say.

I think, at the time, you did the right thing; you didn’t want to embarrass anyone, including yourself, so you just gritted your teeth, and that was the wise choice. But now that A is back in her room, you should address the issue with J: “Look, man, I’ve got no problem giving you privacy if you need it, but…when you need it, take it, because last night was uncool and I don’t like being put in that position.”

It’s not an unreasonable request; just make it in a friendly way and remind him that, you know, you’re cool with leaving, you just don’t need to see that shit because it’s too much info.

Dear Sars,

I love the site, and since I think your advice rocks, hope you can help me
out/put me in my place/whatever works…

Broke up with my first love, high-school and college boyfriend about a year
and a half ago, after a six-year relationship. Long-story short, we had
about four great years and then two filled with lack of communication/neither
of us knows what we want out of life/do we have anything in common angst.
Basically, I moved about 2 1/2 hours away from our home town to the big
city, things went from bad to terrible and I ended up ending it about six
months later. Thing was, at the time I thought we handled it really well. No
yelling or screaming, which was a change from all of our fights, and we both
clearly stated that this was an “I love you, I want good things for you, but
this isn’t working” kind of thing.

I went through about six months of “Single life rocks!” denial. Then the
breakup hit me, and I’ve spent the time since then going through all of the
various post-breakup stages. I’m doing okay for the most part, definitely
lots of ups and downs. Actually, many of the previous Vine columns have
helped me out tremendously, so thanks for that!

Last year, about September, we discussed getting back together, which was
something I initiated. He had started seeing someone else, and didn’t feel
it was the right thing for him. Crappy for me, but maybe the best thing in
the long run (we broke up for good reasons, which I tend to forget when I
get the Pasty Cline level blues). Again, we discussed rationally, were
really friendly and he told me we were friends and to keep in touch. Well, I
blew it. A week later I sent him a very weepy email, that basically
outlined how completely bummed I was and how much I missed him. I did point
out that I just wanted to be friends and to be more in touch, but heck even
I don’t believe that. No response from him, which I kind of get. I realized
that I flipped out, waited a few weeks and tried again with a “Hey, sorry I
lost it, don’t want to pester you, just miss you and would like to be able
to keep in touch every once in a while with an email” type thing. Nada.
Basically, over the next month I tried about twice to call him, with no
response.

Okay. So, on the one hand, I am completely devastated. I just miss him, and
having the person who I had discussed and planned marriage and kids with
decide to ignore me completely, just kills me. On the other hand, I do get
that everybody handles breakups differently, he’s a got a new girl (and a
new job that he loves) and he’s trying to move on. So, since about October
of last year I’ve respected his choice and have made no attempts to contact
him. Instead I’ve tried to focus on getting on with my own life and, I think
I’m doing okay. I’ve been on a few dates, but mostly I’ve focused on my
career, joined sports, hung with my friends and generally tried to just
figure out what I want and how I can be comfortable with myself.

This brings me to the crux of my question: I’ve gotten beyond the weepies,
pretty much, here in my new home. I’ve put away all of the reminders
(photos, gifts, et cetera) and I feel like I’ve progressed a great deal. I don’t
think about him nearly as often as I used to, I get really into my life and
start to feel like I’m finally moving on. Then I go home to my hometown
(read: his hometown) and I fall apart. Everything is a reminder — from my
parents house to places around town that we used to hang out. I’m constantly
on edge that I’ll run into him or worse, him and his new girlfriend. And I
can’t decide if I want to see him (confront him/finally see if he would
ignore me to my face/just see his face again) or if I’m scared to. I try to
enjoy just being with friends and family but can’t seem to get beyond the
fact that he isn’t there or that he’s no more than 15-20 minutes away. I’m
usually crying by the time I leave town and I don’t fully relax until I’m
back in the city.

Sars, do you have any advice on how I can try to separate my hometown from
my feelings for my ex? I’ve worked very hard to accept that our relationship
is over and that it just isn’t in the cards for us to be friends (although
he likes to ask our mutual friends “How she is doing” — he won’t say my name,
apparently — and to tell everyone we used to know what good friends we are).
Still, I’m obviously not doing something right, because I become a weeping
wonder when I’m home to visit and I know my family both sees the tears when
they’re falling and that they sense the knots in my stomach when they’re
not. I know I’m not over him yet, and I know it will take time to get there,
I just want to find a way to do so without abandoning my hometown and making
my family visit me on every major holiday.

Sign me,
Hometown Heartache

Dear Home,

I’m reminded of the joke where the patient tells the doctor, “It hurts when I do this,” and the doctor says, “Then don’t do that.” Just don’t go home for a while. You know it upsets you, you think it shouldn’t so you put all this pressure on yourself not to think about your ex, then you naturally can think of nothing but because it’s the old “don’t think about an elephant” thing, and then you feel all crazy and embarrassed because you think you’re obsessing when he’s moved on and WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUUUU?!

Which is fine. You need to stop giving yourself shit for not being over it, for starters, because these things take time and you can’t rush them just because the timetable you want to be in effect isn’t in effect. And as part of that strategy, just…don’t go back there for a while. It’s not going to last forever; you’ll get past it. But I don’t think you can until you stop forcing yourself to deal with a situation you don’t want to deal with yet, so give yourself six months or a year where you just don’t go home. Just take it off the table entirely and don’t deal with it. Eventually you’ll feel stronger and it’ll all seem kind of distant and dealable, but until then? Protect yourself.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation; if you give one, you don’t have to be ashamed of it. You don’t want to be there, everyone’s welcome to visit until ’06, end of story. Give yourself a break, lady.

Dear Sars,

This is a “what would you do” type situation — I see two clear options
in front of me, but don’t know which is going to suck the most. The
story is that I’m currently on foreign study in Germany, and quite
recently developed a casual thing with one of my German classmates. We
started off with clear boundaries — one night of messing around led to
The Talk, where he said that he would prefer to keep things casual,
since I’m going back home in another three months. “I don’t think I’m
in love with you or anything,” he said. I agreed — I wasn’t in love
with him either, and was quite happy to just be fuckbuddies.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, where I’m beginning to fall for my
fuckbuddy. The problem is, for a “casual” relationship, he’s more
attentive and fulfilling than any “serious” relationships I’ve had in
the past. I’ve been quite careful about trying not to initiate things
myself and keep space between us, but it’s him that keeps finding ways
to see me and hang out. I’m fairly convinced that he hasn’t developed
any deeper feelings for me, he’s just a really nice guy that is
enjoying our time together. I am too, but the more I see of him, the
more I hate that I can’t stay.

I don’t know which is the better option — should I leave things the way
they are for another few months, enjoy my time with him and painfully
leave it at that, or should I talk to him and break it off now because
things got too serious for me, and continuing it would just lead to a
lot of heartbreak when I go? I hate the idea of prematurely losing
something I very much enjoy, but I’m already beginning to panic at the
idea of saying goodbye to him after two more months of deepening
feelings.

So which would you do, Sars — keep to the plan and lose out on
something important to you, or enjoy yourself while you can and pay for
it later?

Signed,
Wishing my ticket home were refundable

Dear But It Ain’t,

You could talk to him and say, “You know, I know we’re keeping it casual, but you’re not acting all that casual, and I’m developing feelings for you so we need to either slow it down or break it off.” But “slowing it down” is really not something that ever works, in practice, and breaking it off…well, you’re going to do that anyway in a few months, and the other thing is, you’ve already developed the feelings. If you’d bailed out sooner, okay, then you’d have saved yourself some heartache, but now you’re going to feel like crap about it either way, so — why not just hang out for the time you’ve got left?

You both know there’s an end date; it won’t be easy when you do leave, but if you’re going to be sad either way, it’s up to you whether you put it off until you leave and risk getting more emotionally involved, or whether you cut it off now and feel sad during your stay.

I can’t say which is the better choice. I’d probably just let it ride, but I’m a moron that way.

Dear Sars,

I love your grammar diatribes as I consider myself a fledgling grammar Nazi,
too. For this reason, I was shocked to learn that you decreed “alright” to be the
red-headed step-child of “all right.” I, myself, have been reported to proclaim
“alright” better than “all right” on many an occasion. My world shattered, I had to
explore the usage of “alright” and “all right” further.

According to both the Merriam-Webster and the American Heritage (via
dictionary.com) dictionaries, “all right” is the preferred usage, but “alright” can
also be used. While “altogether” and its ilk sprung up during the Middle Ages,
“alright” came into usage around 1900.

If Joyce, Stein, and Hughes use “alright,” does that make it all right (I’m
changing my own usage until a judgment is made) for me to do so without
incurring the wrath of grammar mavens like you?

Thanks for the help.

Sincerely,
Angst-ridden in Ann Arbor

Dear Angsty,

The 11C says they’re interchangeable, but Garner is resistant, and I agree. “All right” is still preferred; “alright” looks like a mistake, a conflation with the usage of “altogether,” and in formal writing, you shouldn’t use it.

As for Stein…well, I’ll let Garner handle this one: “Gertrude Stein used the shorter form, but that is not much of a recommendation.”

Heh.

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