The Vine: January 3, 2006
Howdy Neighbor,Great site! I need your sage advice. I recently got
back together with my ex-girlfriend, Ellen. We
haven’t had sex yet, but it’s happening soon, and I’m
confused about something.
Previously, Ellen and I dated for a year. I wasn’t
hard-ass about sex safety stuff with her, because we
are both women (not engaging in typically “high-risk”
behavior), she had few past partners, and I’d been
thoroughly tested, blah blah blah; basically, I took an
informed risk with her.
One thing I knew of her history was that before we met,
she had a guy friend who she would occasionally
hook up with when drunk. I guess I knew that she went
down on him, but in my early blasé attitude about her
I didn’t really care. Eventually, I started to dig
her a lot, which meant, unfortunately, that I obsessed
a bit on her past, random sex stuff. And that’s where
the line gets blurry between genuine concern for my
sexual health and immature jealousy issues.
The thing
with this guy bugged me, but then again, I am bothered
when even friends tell me about unprotected blowjobs
on random men. Because pretty much I feel like by 30,
if are you still making stupid choices about safe sex
basics, it’s bad news. Dude, I was in college in the
early ’90s — the apex of safe-sex education — that shit
was drilled into my brain; no way would I have an
unfamiliar penis anywhere in my body without a condom.
Why do you think so many people dismiss condoms for
blowjobs as superfluous, but they would never have
intercourse without one?
How can smart, mature women have such a fucked-up
sense about oral sex? I read your “Down Boy” essay and
as awful as it is to hear a new generation talk that
way about sex, it truly saddens me when adult women
have internalized that shit and try to tell me that
oral sex ON THEM is so intimate and private and they
don’t let people just casually do them — but oh yeah,
sure, a blowjob is no biggie, not intimate. It’s like
“licking a lollipop.” I swear to god, that’s what my
GF said to me. And I’ve heard other women say it!
What the hell? Or the weird idea that it’s cool and
fun on male friends ’cause it’s like, a power thing (my
GF also pulled out that doozy)? Ugh, if I hear one
more woman tell me about all the “power” they
supposedly get from casual blowjobs. Please. Yeah,
you and the 14-year-olds on Oprah have about the same
ideas on sex.
Anyway. This blowjob-friend story of Ellen’s somehow
came up again later, and slightly different info came
out. It didn’t feel right that the details had
changed, and I wondered if I could believe other stuff
I’d been told. Yes, it tapped into some trust issues.
It wasn’t earth-shattering; however, it did prompt a
discussion about her getting the full swab treatment
to settle the matter. After much procrastinating, she
made it to the doctor’s. Then we broke up before the
results were in. I couldn’t deal with her right then,
plus I assumed she would tell me if there was
anything, so I let it go.
Finally getting to the point. After more than a year
of estrangement, Ellen and I are several months into a
friendship, and we want to give the romantic
relationship another try. The thing is…the old
problem is a new problem. While we were apart, Ellen
did the same thing and wound up messing around with a
male friend a few times after partying.
I did not ask for particulars (she volunteered that
there was no intercourse, which is more than enough
info — I don’t want to hear the explicit details).
However, with my previous knowledge of how she thinks
blowjobs are just so fun and silly and casual, yay!,
it’s probably safe to assume she had a condom-less
dick in her mouth.
So how do I handle this?
Is it right that before we have sex, she gets
tested — no questions asked? That way I’d know all I
need to know on the other side of the results, period.
That could be good, right, and if I suggested it,
she’d do it no problem. But.
There’s this nagging
feeling like I’m taking my stand for the wrong reasons
and doing that ugly thing were people get on their
preachy high horses because of some way they are
threatened, rather than because they have an entirely
principled position. Maybe I have a legit point, but
maybe also I’m being a jerkoff cause it bugs me that
at 31 she is still making unwise, drunken choices
about her sexual health. Plus, maybe I’m a little
jealous and uncomfortable with how she drunkenly gets
sexual with friends, and that’s clouding the issue.
What do you think? Do I need to let it go and just
forget about this? Am I being too rigid and requiring
the tests under the guise of good safety, when in
actuality it’s about other crap? ‘Cause seriously, I
don’t want to be that person and demand a gratuitous
trip to the doctor’s. She was tested last year, and
assuming those tests were clear — what are the
chances, really, that she got something from one or
two blowjobs with a guy?
So, option three: Maybe I can feel comfortable taking
the informed, calculated risk with her this time
around too, and get back into the sexual relationship
without requiring tests up front — while making it
known that I’d like her to do it sometime soon,
anyway, for my piece of mind? Does that seem
reasonable?
Thanks,
I Really Do Think We May Live On The Same Block
Dear What Is The Lyceum, Anyway,
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask Ellen to get tested, but it’s a separate issue from your feelings about her activities outside of your relationship, and you should understand that a clean test is not going to put those issues to bed. This is, I think, not so much about your worrying for Ellen’s sexual safety, or anyone else’s, and while I agree with you in theory that women should not compromise their sexual health by giving unprotected blowjobs…in practice, these things don’t happen in a vacuum, and I don’t know how much experience you have with hooking up with guys, so I’m not trying to be all “you don’t get it.” If you don’t know the dude or his test results, you should use an unlubricated condom. But: Should. We “should” do a lot of things, like not make sex-life decisions while we’re drunk. Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in.
Your attitude is a little judgmental, and it comes from a place of insecurity — this is a part of Ellen that’s unavailable to you, that means she was unavailable to you and really not thinking about you at all at that time. You’re not wrong in your assessment, but again, that’s in theory; in practice, not everyone has the best judgment every minute of the day, and you need to accept that — and you need to accept that Ellen has been with men in a way that makes you uncomfortable emotionally, and deal with that. Because that, I feel you on. I’ve had “reunion tours” with boyfriends and had to ask whether we needed to go back to condoms, and when you hear, “Yeah, we’d better,” well, it’s not a good feeling. Knowing your ex, or GF, or whatever-title has had other partners is oogy. But it’s not a sexual-health issue, really, and you can’t hide behind that part of it in order to put yourself in a less vulnerable position — because it’s judgmental, partly, but mostly because it won’t work long-term. If you have trust issues with Ellen, call them what they are and try to work through them for what they are.
Dear Sars:I just recently found out that my boyfriend of almost two years, who I live
with, has an addiction (his words) to chewing tobacco. I found this out one
night after a dinner party where he got pretty drunk. We came home and he
wasn’t doing so hot. Then some type of light bulb went off for him and he
said “I know what I need!” and came back with a can of chew. Now, I have
seen him do this maybe two other times, usually at some type of event where
a bunch of his old fraternity friends were all together, and thought nothing
of it. Like, oh, he is just doing some old frat-boy thing that they all do.
Anyway, back to that night, I kind of laugh and ask if that
is the can from 4th of July (we went to a rodeo and they were giving it
away). He said no, it was from September. Apparently these things have a
shelf life. I start asking more questions and find out: 1) He has been doing
this on and off for 10 years; 2) he does it when he is stressed, but never in
front of me (except those times I mentioned); 3) he didn’t want to tell me
because he knew I wouldn’t approve and be disappointed in him; 4) he was
disgusted/ashamed of himself; and 5) he is really sorry.
Sars, I know that he feels/believes all of these things and he is
sincere, but I also know that if it had come up early when we first started
dating, I would have said, “That’s gross,” and blew it off. The real problem
I am having is that my boyfriend (who I think is the “one”) is a secret-keeper. He claims to have no other secrets. He was very emphatic about it.
He even woke up the next morning and started talking about it immediately
(quite a breakthrough as he has a hard time talking, but has improved
immensely the longer we are together). I explained that just because he
says it, doesn’t mean I can necessarily believe it to be true. And on top
of it, he has a nasty habit that I don’t support. I know it takes time to
forgive, but I have some trust issues. Is this one I should just get over?
Ten years? Are you kidding me?
Dear Ten,
Well…consider the nature of the secret. Dipping is nasty; your boyfriend knows this, and knows you’d think so. On the spectrum of kept secrets, “I use chaw now and then” isn’t really on the same end as “I rob banks” or “I was born a girl.” You know?
Yes, it’s gross, and yes, he hid it from you, up to a point — but then he came clean about it, apologized, and wanted to discuss it with you. This is, relatively speaking, a misdemeanor, and while I don’t think you should be putting out dip-spit cups around the house or anything? Yes, I think you should get over it. Ask him not to do it at all if he can help it, and certainly not around you or in the house, but it’s not a hanging offense. Don’t create more drama than it warrants, and don’t put yourself in the position of policing him on it, either.
Sars,I did a really awful thing and don’t know if there is any way to fix it.
First, as always, the backstory: I have complex post-traumatic stress
disorder. Unlike regular PTSD that arises from a more singular incident,
CPTSD comes from being exposed to prolonged traumatic and life-threatening
situations such as being a prisoner of war or, as in my case, severe child
abuse. Because it actually alters the makeup of your brain there is no cure,
you basically learn to live with it. I was doing really well in therapy
dealing with the physical, emotional, verbal, and social abuse that I grew up
with, and then about a year and half ago I discovered that I had been
sexually abused as well, most likely by my father. This threw me, to say the
least, and without going into everything it has been very, very difficult.
I have my good days and bad days and recently during one of my bad days a
co-worker, “Mike,” said I seemed down and was there anything I wanted to
talk about. I’m not much in the social skills department but I know enough
to realize he meant that basically rhetorically or even perhaps as far as
“yeah, my cat died” or something but certainly not “let me tell you about my
disorder and how as a child I was tortured and left to die on the bathroom
floor.” So I just said I was fine.
He asked again a little while later and that’s where I did the really
horrible thing. I told him I was raped the weekend before. I don’t have any
close friends and I haven’t told anyone about my CPTSD and sometimes I just
get so frustrated that the world is going on around me all normal-like when
I’m dealing with this. So basically I jumped at the chance for some
attention and sympathy. I admit it. But my whole sad saga is way too long to
really explain to anybody and I don’t let people get close to me (which is
why I have no friends) so telling him I was raped was my pathetic way of
getting what I needed without having to open myself up at all. And I
justified this to myself by saying one, I was sparing him the horrible
truth, and two, I was actually raped even though it was 20 years ago and not
last weekend.
So now Mike feels awful and is trying to find ways to help me and I just
feel terrible because what kind of person am I that would lie about this? I
hope you can help me figure out what to do. I can’t even tell my shrink
about it because I feel like such a loser and am so embarrassed. I can’t
really just let it drop because I told Mike I hadn’t spoken to anyone else
about it and he’s really worried and thinks I need to talk to a counselor.
Should I continue the lie further and just tell him I called a rape crisis
line and thanks for his concern but I’m fine? Should I tell him the truth
and admit I lied? There is no way I could do that without trying to explain
(defend?) myself with my CPTSD and I’m not sure I’m prepared to talk about
it. I’m 30-something years old and work in a professional office where I
hold a management position. Mike is the CFO. I’m worried about my future
credibility but I feel awful that Mike is worrying about something that
never happened.
Sincerely,
Pathetic Liar
Dear Pathetic,
Before you do anything else, you need to stop beating yourself up for this, right away. Yeah, given a half hour to think of an appropriate response, under normal circumstances, you might have responded differently — but you were on the spot, and upset, and while it’s not ideal, honestly, I think you have to give yourself a break. There isn’t an Emily Post entry on how to deal with questions like that in your situation, so…relax. You aren’t a bad person.
Next, I think you should talk to your therapist about it, because, as you say, you don’t let people get close, and what you told Mike is part of that — keeping him at a distance, pushing him back behind the line. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing; it’s part of your disorder, part of how you deal with the world, and your therapist can’t incorporate that and help you if she doesn’t know about it. And she’s not going to judge you; that’s the whole point of therapists. So, go in, squeeze your eyes shut tight, blurt it out, and let her help you look at it. Think of it as an opportunity to learn, counseling-wise — to look at your reactions and see if you can’t build on them.
When you’re in a better place with all of this — feeling more forgiving of yourself, feeling like you understand why you said what you said a bit better — I think you have two choices re: Mike. You can tell him you’re dealing with it in therapy, which is technically true, and you appreciate his concern but you need him to back off a bit and let you do what you need to do for yourself.
Or — and this is what I’d do — I’d ask him to meet privately, and tell him the truth: that you were raped, but not recently, and because it’s an ongoing trauma that you’re still sorting out how to deal with, you have good days and bad, and you’re sorry you misled him, but you’re still figuring out how to let people in without swamping them in information. You know — tell him what you told me, that you’re working on it but it’s not as simple as “X happened on Y date and that’s why I’m upset.”
But seriously: stop excoriating yourself for this. You were caught off-guard, trying to deal with some ugly emotional shit. You messed up a little bit. It’ll happen; forgive yourself, and try to move forward from it.
Hi Sars —I’d like your advice on a job-related dilemma.
I’m a recent college graduate and just started my first “real” job about a month ago. I was really excited to get this job — it seemed like I’d be doing interesting things related to my degree, and the several people I interviewed with were all very nice. However, now that I’ve taken the job, I’m less than thrilled with it. It turns out that my day-to-day activities bear little or no resemblance to how the job was described to me during the interview process. Furthermore, I haven’t enjoyed working with my coworkers at all, mainly because they’ve been completely half-assed about training me.
Here’s where things get messy. A week ago my boss pulled me aside and told me he was concerned about my performance and didn’t think I was working out (and, yeah — I haven’t been trained yet!). He said my coworkers had mentioned that they didn’t think I had “really shown that [I] wanted this,” and one person in particular had even used a question I’d asked to insinuate that I’d lied on my resume! My boss said he really wanted me to “end up working out,” but that I’d have to try harder. He didn’t give me any specific areas of concern or suggestions for improvement, so in addition to being hurt and angry and offended (they called me a liar!), I’m also completely clueless as to how to proceed.
I’m thinking about looking for another job. I don’t enjoy the work, and I enjoy the people even less. It’s not like I’d thought this would be my dream job or anything — I’m still considering grad school, and took the job expecting to stay there for a year or two — so I don’t really mind the idea of moving on so soon. I’m just not sure how (or if) I should explain my short term of employment at this company to any future prospective employers.
Even though I don’t like my job in particular, I think I’d enjoy working for any of a handful of other departments in my company (these are departments that do things more related to my degree). If I were to look for another job, I’d be looking within the same industry I’m in now. So, on to the questions:
1. Am I overreacting? I mean, all jobs suck at first, and most bosses are dicks, and I’ve only been there a month. Should I give it more time?
2. My company is really good about letting people transfer to different departments. Should I try for that, which would necessitate a good referral from my boss, or not even consider it?
3. If I end up interviewing at another company in the same industry, should I mention that I’ve worked for my current employer? If I was only there for a month, and in a completely different department, is it really relevant? And, if I do bring it up, how should I handle it? I know you’ve mentioned in the past that a phrase such as “My employer and I had differing expectations of my role in the company,” will do the trick, and that certainly rings true here, but will that be adequate in this situation?
Sorry this got long. Thanks for your input!
Signed,
Worker Bee
Dear Bee,
There’s a lot I don’t know about the situation, but just off the top of my head, I think you need to try a more proactive approach before you give up. Ask for a meeting with your boss, bring a notebook, and ask him for specific areas where you need work. Request a training session and press him to schedule it that day. Let him know you’re committed to trying your best to work things out, and go into the meeting with specifics as to getting that done — what you need to do better, questions as to what he needs for you to do better.
This has two functions, this meeting. The first is to try to get on track with the job; it’s possible that it’s just a very independent workplace and you’re expected to whip your own team of horses, or maybe the leadership is sort of confused regarding your position, and this will help clarify it. The second function is to see whether this is a YP or a TP, basically — whether it’s that you’re not doing what you should be, or whether they aren’t. If the boss is still very vague and euphemistic in the meeting, and is responding to specific questions with very general answers? It’s a TP. You don’t fit with this organization, and you should look elsewhere.
And yes, I think “it wasn’t a good fit” is just fine here. You can get a little more into details, mentioning that your role wasn’t well defined and your attempts to get it defined went nowhere — but recruiters and HR people see this all the time, and if it’s really a case where they just aren’t interested in giving you even the minimum of information to let you do the job correctly, you’re better off cutting bait now.
Dear Sars,I recently graduated from college, and I’m looking to move away. Far away. I currently live in an area with a tourist-driven economy, and most of available jobs are in the service industry. During summer and winter breaks, I’ve held jobs as a hotel greeter, a fast-food cashier, and a janitor in a doctor’s office. In the past few months, I’ve have worked as a Kindergarten aide, a caregiver for an elderly woman, and a clerical assistant. None of these jobs have piqued my interest, and I feel like my job search has stagnated. I’ve turned into a “discouraged worker”!
My family is worried that I’m trying to do too much too soon, but is it wrong to want to start anew? I’m not fooling myself into thinking that everything will be hunky-dory once I move, but I am definitely looking forward to managing my own time, paying my own bills, and finding a better job market.
The problem is that I don’t know where to start. I’ve never searched and applied for jobs on a national basis. I learned about all my previous jobs from the classifieds or from local listings on the internet. Furthermore, my college’s career center is an embarrassment. They mainly focus on jobs and internships within the state with limited networking on the West Coast. I’ve asked for help locating a job out of state, but the counselors consistently urge me to take up internships with alumni. It doesn’t help that I’m not interested in becoming an engineering intern (for some reason, there’s a glut of alumni willing to offer up their time for future engineers of America. I’m a history and economics double major, for gawd sakes). I’m not much of an expert in finding housing, as well. I’ve lived at home or in campus housing for most of my life, so I’ve never had to search for apartments or roommates.
There are some positives: I’ve made a budget that includes all my monthly bills/rent/expenditures, and I have saved up enough for six months (providing I find affordable housing). I am armed with a resume.
Here are my questions: Am I being too hasty? If I decide to leave, is it possible to find an apartment and move there before I find a job? Or should I not, under any circumstances, leave without finding a job first? What’s the best way to go about this? Thanks for reading my long, long entry.
Sincerely,
There’s nothing keeping me here…unless you count spying on the cast of Lost
Dear Spy In The House Of J.J.,
I don’t think you’re being too hasty; if there’s nothing there that’s turning you on, it’s time to go. If it doesn’t work out, you come back. Nothing’s written in stone, and the time to make these big moves is exactly now, when you don’t have family responsibilities and a locked-in career.
It’s possible to find an apartment and move before you have a job, but it makes it a lot easier paperwork-wise if you can show prospective landlords that you’ve got gainful employment, so I would try to get the job first; it’s not necessary, but it’s certainly advised. And as far as that goes, pick a few cities you think you’d like to live in, and look in their papers’ job listings on line — or use Monster.com. If you aren’t sure what you want to do, just sort of unfocus your eyes and let them settle on…whatever.
It’s a lot of big life changes all at once, it’s true, but people do it all the time and come through it just fine. You have a savings safety net; that’s a good start.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships health and beauty sex workplace
