I started dating “Mike” three years ago when I was 15 and he was 18. We both shared a dark past (he was in remission for leukemia; I had received a kidney transplant two years beforehand, and my mom was going through chemo for breast cancer). At first I was just attracted that I had found someone as scared as I was, and he seemed to be able to help me with my problems. He was my savior and helped me get back into the world of the living again. For the first couple of years that we were together, he was a great guy, but during the past few months he’s gone through a lot of stress (his sister was in a major car crash, after three years of school he decided to change his major, a lot of medical tests for mono and everyone’s regular stresses). I tried to help him and comfort him, but I couldn’t do it, and the evidence began to show in our realationship. At first it was just some heated arguments and name-calling, but two Saturdays ago he gripped my arms so tight that he left bruises, and threw me against the wall. That’s when I decided that it was time to end our relationship. A couple days after we broke up, he wrote me this long email about how sorry he was and how he wants to get back together.

This is my question/problem: After all he’s done for me (helping me get on with my life, et cetera), is it okay for me to leave him when he needs help, just because he’s going through a rough time and I can’t help? And how can I help him without getting back together with him?

Scared and Confused

Okay, here’s the situation. I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just over three years. It’s been a tough ride, but well worth it. We love each other more than we can express, and we click on so many different levels; when it’s good, it’s heaven — when it’s bad, it’s, well…hell. We are both extremely passionate and emotional people (which probably explains the hell part).

So, just over a month ago, he asked me to think about moving in with him. It would be a long-term plan, as I have a child in grade school and he has a child going off to college next year — not one of those pack-and-go situations. A week before Thanksgiving, he proposed to me. It was a very spontaneous thing — he just blurted it out. It was wonderful and very romantic. This is where it gets bad: Thanksgiving at his house wasn’t exactly what we had hoped (family tension, et cetera) and we ended up fighting about it later. Since then — since that fight, he’s taken “off the table” both offers of moving in and marriage. He’s not said this directly, but has said that he just wants to date right now…”have fun, no pressure”.

Now, he’s known that I want the whole marriage thing — or moving in — something permanent/committed for over a year, but have put that want aside to keep him in my life. Last year this time, he asked if I would think about moving in with him, but backed out of it before New Year’s Eve.

Am I an absolute mug here? I love him, but I have been so twisted around by his proverbial dangling carrot I feel like I’m going absolutely insane. I am trying to keep a brave face here and make the best of it, but now every time I see him, I can’t help but think that my application has been denied, my check bounced, ultimate rejection — that whatever I give him will never be enough to make him want to commit to me.

Please. Need. Sanity.
S.J.