Right now, I am going through a really…interesting…time in my life.
Well, more to the point, an interesting break-up. I met a guy about three
months ago, and it was the casual Hey, I Think You’re Really Nifty So Why
Don’t We Hook Up For A While And See Where That Takes Us? kind of
relationship. Well, everything seemed really great…we have so much in
common, we had no communication problems, and his parents actually LIKE me.
I thought I had actually found a really great guy, after several dead-end “I
can’t believe I actually went out with HIM” kind of relationships. This one
was special. And he is…was…the first guy I’ve ever really cared about.
We’d been friends for about a month and a half before we started going out.
I’ve never been one to jump into a relationship, and he respected that. But
when we were together, he made me feel special. Like I was the only happy
girl in the world…he really knew how to make me happy. We barely made it
to our one-month anniversary before he told me the truth about himself.

He’s gay.

It was such a shock to me. I remember not being able to go home the night I
found out. I went to my friend’s house and drank until dawn. Wellll…the
next morning, after suffering through a well-deserved hangover, I pretty
much cried about it. All day long. It just hurt so bad, and he’s the first
guy to make me cry. I stayed at home and just thought about all the good
times we’d had together, and then I couldn’t help but think about his
confession to me. It made me think…whether I was stupid for caring that
much about him, and whether or not he actually liked me. My friend proposed
an idea to me…that maybe he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to admit it,
that maybe he didn’t want to be gay. I just kept asking myself why he had to
choose me to go out with in the first place. I never will regret going out with
him, though…he never disappointed me…until now.

Anyway, the night I found out (I must be a great actress), I convinced him
that I was fine and happy and the world could go on living, even if he did
like guys. I guess I gave him the impression that I had healed my heart in
15 minutes or something. Well…a week later, my best friend “Kelly,” my
now ex-boyfriend, and I were at the lake by my house. He and I had spent
part of the day together with my family (he’s still one of my best friends),
and we all had been drinking. When Kelly came over, she joined in on the
fun, and we had decided to go swimming. Well, it was your average
little-party scene…us hanging out and having fun. Well, obviously, we all
got pretty trashed. I remember playing a drinking game and then swimming for
a while. I remember we drank everything that we had, which was quite a bit.
But that wasn’t the end of the night. In fact, I don’t remember much of
anything between the times of 3 AM and 4:30 AM. But Kelly,
who didn’t drink as much as I had, remembered more. She said that I got
really upset and said a lot of stuff about the relationship that my
boyfriend and I had had. Apparently, it was pretty serious stuff about how I
felt, and how I didn’t want to break up, and I didn’t want to be sad, or
make him upset, but I demanded an apology for breaking my heart or something
like that.

Interesting, huh? Well, we barely managed to make it back to my house, and I
had invited Kelly and my ex to stay the night. Well, we were so trashed that
I didn’t care that he and I ended up sharing my bed together. No sex, just
sleeping. The next morning, while we were all sitting around my house trying
to get rid of our hangovers, Kelly pulled me aside and told me what had
happened the previous night. I was really shocked, and she asked if what I
said was true. Well, I know it was. But the thing is, I don’t know if he
remembers what I said to him. Obviously, I already feel like an ass for
getting THAT drunk and then saying all that crap in addition. But I don’t
know if I should ask him or wait until the next time we talk, or even if I
should just try to forget about it and hide my blushing face. It’s been a
couple days, and we’ve talked once, but not so in-depth as to bring up the
subject of our little “party.”

What should I do? And am I stupid for being
human and having emotions? And another thing…he asked me, almost on his
hands and knees, if I would still act like we’re going out whenever we’re
around his parents. They don’t know he’s gay, and he’s too young to be
moving out on his own. I told him I could do that, but that was the night we
broke up, before all this other crap happened. Should I play along? I don’t
know how much it’s going to hurt me, though…I’m getting over him…slowly.
I know I can and will move on, but this kinda embarrassing right
now…advice? Please?

Thanks so much,
Drunk and Confused

I have an etiquette question that I can’t exactly send to Ms. Manners.

Hubby and I were at the recent Rush concert (excellent show, by the way!). We
were sitting smack in the middle of the section, which was packed. Some
kid sitting two seats away decided that this was the perfect place to toke up.

Now, Hubby and I both work jobs with security clearances and can be selected
for random drug tests. I was getting enough smoke in my face that I got a
contact high. This is a real problem. Question is, is it appropriate for
me to say something to this kid? I did ultimately lean over and ask him to
put it out, but he and his friends acted like they couldn’t believe that
there was anyone around who didn’t want to get stoned. Hubby and I
couldn’t get out of the area, and I don’t really think I should have had to.

So, if this happens again, what should I do?

No interest in getting stoned

My roommate and I met in college five years ago, and we’ve shared an
apartment for almost a year. (We’re both 23 and have been out of school
for about a year and a half.) She’s incredibly sweet and a lot of fun,
and superficially we have a good time hanging out and don’t seem to have
problems sharing a household. As roommates, we’re not bad, but as
friends…that’s another story.

The problem is that everything we do turns subtly competitive, especially
when it comes to social things. When I’ve introduced my close friends to
her, she’s started up correspondence and friendship with them. When we go
out, we often compete for the same guy’s attention. Fully half of the men
she’s dated in the last year or so were men she met through me. Usually
these men started out as interested in me but moved on to her after I
rejected them or, while I wasn’t single, when they found out I had a
boyfriend. In college, a guy I’d been dating for a few weeks dumped me
and started pursuing her. She pretended to be appalled by this, but they
stayed in relatively close touch for years afterward — they never dated,
but it still wasn’t easy for me to hear about their friendship.

In April, she broke up with her longtime long-distance boyfriend.
Ironically, this happened the same night I had my first date with a man I
wound up dating seriously for seven months. Lately, since my break-up, the
big competition has been “whose relationship meant more and who misses
their ex more.” I feel like I can’t talk to her about him without it
turning into “well, when MY ex-boyfriend and I broke up it was much worse
because…” and me feeling rather like my own problem is somewhat invalid,
or like I’m irrational because I’m more upset than she was or am handling
it differently.

I don’t have this problem with any of my other friends, and according to
her, she doesn’t either. I don’t know who instigates it (it could be
totally my fault, for all I know), why it happens, or what I can do to
stop encouraging it. I have a feeling it’s going to reach a boiling point
and we’ll end up being outright hurtful to one another if something
doesn’t change. I care about her very much, but I know that I need to
pull away from her where the emotional support is concerned and find other
people I can relate to on a deeper level. As mentioned, though, we share
pretty much all our friends in common these days, and I’d feel odd
gravitating toward one of them, especially since lately we’ve been treated
by most of them as a single unit (most of our friends sent one Christmas
card addressed to both of us). And I have to keep living with her, so I
don’t really want to burn any bridges by bitching to mutual friends about
her. Ideally, I’d like to make and keep a few close friends that haven’t
even met her, but New York isn’t the easiest place to make new friends.

Advice on how to make the homefront feel less competitive, or how to
branch out, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Unwilling Participant in the Roommate Olympics

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We live together in his parents’ house for the time being. It’s not the best situation ever, but we’re saving money to move shortly. It’s a long story why I am living with him, but it boiled down to the fact that I got kicked out of my house and had nowhere else to go.

Anyways, the problem at hand…I am a very guarded person, and it takes a lot for me to trust someone completely. For some reason down the line, I felt as though there was something wrong and I just had this feeling that something was up, so I started to read his emails. Yes, I know…bad me. It turns out that he has placed some personal ads on a few popular meet-up web sites. I am livid and hurt. I know that he didn’t “actually” cheat on me, but this clearly shows that he has intent to.

I’m not really sure what to do. My impetuous side says to just dump his sorry ass. But I have nowhere to go. I have no family here anymore, and none of my friends are in a position that they would offer me a place to stay. I don’t have the money at the moment to move out, either. Maybe I should try to talk it over with him, but I honestly don’t see how he can explain his way out of this one. I love him, and I’d rather not leave him, but I don’t know what to do about this one.

Sincerely,
Enraged Girlfriend

I’ve been mulling this issue over in my head for quite a while, and wondered what you thought of the whole situation. I’m bisexual, but not in a “lifestyle choice” sort of way. I consider it more along the lines of a recreational activity that I would keep in my own bedroom. I’ve been intimate with two women, but unfortunately, I was in a long term relationship with a boy, and he said “no way, unless I’m involved.” The women grudgingly accepted him, and a decent time was had by all. This is not to say that it’s a purely physical thing for me; I do believe I’ve been in love with a woman before, and we’ll call her “Jinx.”

Jinx was my closest friend in high school. We were separate halves of the same person for a while. During my junior year, I got knocked up, and dropped out to “do the right thing” and pursue a family with the boy. Jinx and I dropped off each other’s radar, but she was always in my heart, I missed her terribly, and when we got back in touch with each other, she came over to visit. She had a bit to drink, and she floored me with the information that she was, and had always been, extremely attracted to me. We laid the ground rules, and the boyfriend was involved in an evening of girlie-ness. We both would have rather he not been involved at all, but that was the only way that we had of enjoying each other.

I drove her home the next morning, and made her promise (as I had earlier in the evening) that NOTHING would change with our friendship, and we could be buddies. She promised, and all seemed well…till that afternoon. She called me and said it was just too weird, and she didn’t want to talk to me again. Sars, that broke my heart right there, but I gave her her space, thinking she was just weirded out by her recent “private outing” of herself. I told her that as her friend, I would always be there for her, come what may, and let her drop out of my life again.

A while later, I realized that the boy was a complete waste of oxygen, and got the balls and left him. Jinx mailed me a postcard saying that she had joined a branch of the Armed Forces, and would like to keep in touch with me via snail mail. I was THRILLED. I had my best friend back in my life; it didn’t matter if she ever wanted to be physical again, and she never brought it up. But again, contact was lost, and sooner or later I met a new boy, and Jinx and I just stopped responding and drifted apart. I missed her again, and still sent Christmas cards and birthday cards and whatnot, but I figured she had gotten weird about me again, and wanted some time away.

The new boy left our relationship, and I decided that I had had enough of boys, and decided to look for some female company. Not as a RELATIONSHIP per se, but more on a friends/whatever might happen, happens level. I found Jinx’s email address, and sent a “do you want to start talking again” email, and a happily sporadic email friendship began. She had pretty much come to terms with her sexuality, having the same view of it as I did…nothing that would be life-shattering, but enjoyed if the opportunity presented itself. I still have a terrible crush on Jinx, and think she feels the same, but we haven’t seen each other since THAT NIGHT. She’s coming to visit in a month, and I’m doubtful that anything will happen with us, since I don’t want to run the risk of losing her friendship over some physical pleasure. She’s far too important to me for that.

As I said, about a year ago, I started looking for some “girlie company.” Nothing ever panned out till just a few weeks ago, when I met “Noire.” Noire is fabulous. We get along wonderfully, she’s very cute and attentive to me, and we are both comfortable with either just a friendship, or “friendship PLUS.” She’s got a boyfriend who is willing to let Noire have her “girlie friends” on her own, and is completely comfortable with the whole thing, which is great, since I really have no real desire for a man in my life right now, much less someone else’s man.

Here’s where the issue comes in. Noire has stated that she’s a “one-woman kind of girl,” and that if she’s seeing a girl, she expects some degree of…well…homosexual exclusivity. She’s offered to hook me up with her boyfriend’s guy friends, and would have no problem with me dating as many other men as I’d like, but feels that if we’re “a thing,” it should be exclusively US. I don’t have a BIG issue with this, simply because it’s taken me a year to find HER, and I don’t foresee anyone else in my future. But part of me balks at this. I’m (finally!) single, and have an opportunity to do things I’ve never been able to do, and I don’t see a “girlie relationship” as being a REAL thing…nothing I would request exclusivity for. If I find another girl I’m attracted to, and who reciprocates that attraction, why not? I, of course, out of respect for Noire, would refrain from it, but is this something I really want to do? I’ve been in relationships far too long, and just wanted something casual, something light.

In other words, should I tell Noire I want to be JUST friends, based on a “what if” that may never happen, or should I continue on with her as is, until someone else that I may be interested in comes along?

I realize that this sounds really callous of me, but that’s not the way it is, truly. I like Noire a lot, but is it fair to her for me to be with her despite the eeking about her requests for exclusivity? A trusted friend tells me that “girls are WEIRD” and to “RUN as fast as I can” from the commitment she’s trying for after just three weeks and two dates.

Feeling a bit commitment-phobic,
Bedroom Bisexual