I have this close friend who is actually my roommate as well. About two years ago she confessed that she had a flirtation with a married man, which escalated to a few kisses. The married man wanted more, but she backed away. She then told me who the married guy was and I was shocked to find out that she had a friendly relationship with both him and his wife. It seemed, though, that she was remorseful and understood how close she came to a really bad situation. I was a supportive friend. I didn’t judge. Maybe I lectured a bit, but told her not to be too hard on herself; when push came to shove, she did the right thing.

I never thought about it much until recently. An older, married, male mutual friend of ours passed away very suddenly. I noticed that my roommate seemed to be taking the news worse than the rest of us. He died in circumstancesreminiscent of her father’s death and I felt that, perhaps, it was just bringing back some bad memories. Do you see where this is going yet? One night, right before Buffy, she tells me that she was having an affair with him! It was over for a few months, but she still loved him. I was absolutely floored. I assumed he was a father figure — in the innocent sense of the phrase — and nothing more.

She was very upset. I hugged her and listened to her, but really didn’t say much. I didn’t know how I felt about all of this, and I didn’t want to say something I didn’t mean or would later regret. There were a couple of things from her monologue that I can’t come to terms with. Most importantly, she doesn’t carry any guilt for what she did, even though we all knew his wife, albeit in an acquaintance type of way. She doesn’t see that he was stringing her along. She says, with a straight face, that he was leaving his wife, but in five years. I think she was waiting for him, and I don’t believe the affair was over at the time of his death. She confessedto lying to me and to others in order to cover her tracks. She didn’t apologize for lying, however. She doesn’t seem to grasp that she was in the process of destroying not only a marriage, but a family as well, as there were kids involved. Lastly, to make this about me, as all this sunk in, I realized that I was the unwitting beneficiary to some of the fruits of this affair, and that really bites. Fidelity and commitment are very important in my life.

Looking back, I see the clues, but it would never occur to me that a trusted friend would be purposely deceitful. I feel so bloody stupid for not knowing something was up. At the same time, I don’t think I would have even wanted to know. I had to go to the wake and funeral knowing this information, which made seeing his wife and children very difficult. I went from genuinely grieving a loss to genuinely hating a dead person. I was raised to have great respect for the dead, so this is really at odds with what I know about myself. I started wondering if she ever hit on my ex-boyfriend or if she was planning on waiting until I got myself a husband. I feel so seriously uncomfortable when anyone brings up how much the guy loved his wife or what a great man he was. I’m carrying a lot of guilt and a lot of anger and I feel like I’ve lost two friends. I’m afraid she’s going to find herself in another one of these situations and I’m doubly afraid that the next affair might hit closer to home. I’ve already distanced myself from the friendship. I’ve been Christmas shopping like mad, just to keep from being at home. There are times when I don’t want to continue a friendship at all. Then I remember that we were good friends or at least I though we were good friends, or I was a good friend, or I don’t want to admit that she’s a bad friend or something along those lines. I know she’s in pain and it is genuine, but then I think she’s getting what she deserves. Then I feel like an uncaring ass for being vindictive.

Do you see how confused I am? The worst part is that I have wonderful friends who I would go to normally, but every one of them is either connected to him or her. I don’t want to pull anyone else into this, especially when they are grieving his loss. I also gave her my word I wouldn’t tell anyone. I said that before the enormity of this hit me, but I still feel I should stand by my word, despite everything. Am I throwing the baby out with the bath water? Is my anger justified? Am I being a sanctimonious bitch and holding someone else to my own moral code? Is it possible to separate being supportive for her loss from being supportive of her actions? I’m just so confused and can’t seem to sort any of this out. So, Sars, any, and I mean any, words of wisdom for me? I’m going to have to go home sooner or later.

Thanks,
Seriously McBaffled