The Vine: January 7, 2003
Dear Sars,
I moved to Portland, OR from NY, NY a year and a half ago. I met a lot of new people, formed a lot of new friendships, and dated several guys that were either too boring, too distant, or too uninterested. I finally met a guy who I can laugh with, be silly around, and just have fun with. We get along splendidly. I really like being with him.
The problem is that he’s extremely homophobic. He is from lily-white, grain-fed, Bible-Belt Kentucky, believes that all homosexuals are “sick in the head,” and refuses to associate with anyone who is gay. My best friends and closest confidantes are gay. I’ve been gay-friendly all my life and cannot even fathom this point of view. He’s never been openly hostile or violent to gay people; he just thinks it’s wrong and chooses not to be around anyone who is gay. This is extremely hard for me, because I really like him and I want him to meet my friends. I know I am not going to change his mind, but I have to at least try to educate him since he’s never known anyone who is gay. But I feel like a lot of people in my life will be disappointed in me for being in a relationship with someone with such small-minded views.
It’s an issue that is always gnawing at the back of my mind whenever he’s around. I really really like him, but I don’t know if I can get over our conflicting opinions about homosexuality. I need advice, please help!
Yours,
Seeing All The Colors In The Homo Rainbow
Dear Colors,
I don’t want to sound judgy here, but for me, the bloom would have come off the rose the minute I heard the words “sick in the head.” Any kind of bigotry stated that flatly would turn me right off. I mean, it’s great that you can “laugh with” him, but the guy hates your friends, and he’s never even met them.
I know a good man is hard to find, but your boy isn’t one. He’s a homophobe, and we don’t hand out medals for “never been openly hostile or violent to gay people.” Tell him straight up that either he can find a way to socialize with your gay friends like an educated grown-up, or he can get lost, and if he won’t do it, lose him.
Hi Sars, guru of common sense,
Now how do I begin this — it’s a really weird situation. See, my dad is having an affair with my boyfriend’s stepmother.
Recently, my BF’s dad moved to another province to find a better job; his wife and their three-year-old daughter were to follow two months later, after BF graduated from high school and was able to live on his own. Both BF’s dad and stepmom were friends with my dad, and after the departure of BFDad, my dad and the stepmom got close. Reeeeally close. Stepmom’s parents (who she stayed with until the move) were suspicious, BF was suspicious, and at my grad when my friends saw them, even they were suspicious. Stepmom was confronted, denied everything, so did my dad. Long story short — eventually, email exchanges were discovered that revealed their love for each other, plans to meet in various hotel rooms, and dreams of running away together. BF informed his father, who felt that we shouldn’t have to deal with this and took matters into his own hands. BFDad and Stepmom decided to try and save the marriage, with counseling et cetera, and an agreement not to speak to my dad any more.
So what’s my problem now? Well, they ARE still speaking to each other. Unless my father has developed a sudden interest in Barbra Streisand music and furtively running away every time his cell phone rings. And if he doesn’t notice I’m within earshot right away, it’s “oh hi [Stepmom], I missed — uh, I mean, no we do not want to change our long-distance provider!”
So do I tell BF? His dad? Tell my dad that I know and to knock this crap off? Pretend I’m completely retarded and haven’t noticed a thing? Frankly, I don’t really want to deal with this bullshit, and I agree that it’s not my dad who took the vow to forsake all others, so I don’t blame this situation entirely on him. I do think he’s stupid to continue and to not consider the fact that there are four other people affected by the actions he takes between himself and Stepmom. I think Stepmom is the one that needs to be addressing this problem; she’s cheating on her husband, she’s been caught, and yet she’s continuing to do it.
I’d like to move out and forget about it, but I’m only 17, and moving out any time soon isn’t exactly a viable option. I’d also like to deal with this situation in a way that hurts the least amount of people; I just don’t know what that option is. Not to mention the fact that I don’t really think I should be dealing with this situation at all.
Any advice you may have would be muchly appreciated. Thanks Sars,
Developing A Nervous Twitch Due To Barbra Streisand
Dear Babs,
Yeah, haven’t we all.
Print out this page of The Vine, hand it to your father, let him read it, and then tell him that 1) you know what he’s up to, 2) you don’t appreciate having to live in the middle of it, and 3) you got so fed up that you actually wrote to a third-party stranger for advice. Tell him to think all of that over, because he’s an adult and he can do as he likes, but his actions affect other people, and he needs to get that.
I think it’s important for you to set limits for yourself within the situation, and to make your dad aware of them. Make it clear to your father that this is his problem, not yours, and he should prevent it from becoming yours in the future, because you resent it and you don’t want to have to cope with it anymore.
As far as telling BF about the renewed contact…well, see above. It depends on where you draw the line with it for yourself. I think you probably should tell him, so that he can make his own informed decision about the lines he’ll draw, but it’s up to you.
I feel like a big dork, not
being able to solve this problem and all, but you have
common sense coming out of your ears, so I hope you
can help.
My boyfriend, Andy, and I have been dating for six
years. Fortunately, he is not the problem, but his
family is.
I met Andy through his younger sister, Cate, when Cate
and I were roommates. While Cate and I were
roommates, their mother formed a very bad impression
of me. This impression mainly developed because Cate
was making very bad choices in her life, and the
mother chose to blame me rather than Cate. Cate’s and
my relationship ended soon after that, and ended
badly. At the time I did not care about the issues
with Cate or the mother, but then Andy and I met, and
I realized Cate and the mother would remain in my
life.
At first, my interactions with them, specifically the
mother, were horrible, and I thought that time would
fix things. WRONG. I am sure the mother formed her
opinion of me when I was roommates with Cate and
continues to build on that, but it is very frustrating
and does not make any sense. It is very hurtful to me
and makes me ill to think about her.
Here are a few examples of the way she thinks and
things that have happened: 1) She comments to
relatives that I am a gold digger, though I have
always made more money than Andy and we split every
purchase 50/50; 2) I purchased a car a couple of years
ago, and she told her other daughter that Andy must
have bought it for me. Also, it was similar to one
Cate wanted (I did not know this), and I must have
done that on purpose; 3) at Christmas, everyone has a
stocking, except me. She says that Andy and I aren’t
married and I am not a part of the family, so I don’t
get one. However, last year she had pity on me and
gave me my very own BROWN PAPER GROCERY BAG to use as
a stocking.
I could go on forever. Thankfully, we only see her on
holidays. I know these instances may sound small, but
it is hurtful and unjustified. I want to fix this
situation, because I do have to see these people, and
ignoring it will not make it go away (I tried that).
Here are a few kinks. Please do not suggest that I
refrain from visiting. I have several nieces and
nephews I simply adore, and would not get to see them
if not at her house. Also, I don’t want her to have
the satisfaction of running me off and separating Andy
and me during the holidays. Suggesting
that Andy sets her straight won’t work either. He
does not get along with his family (he hates them and
thinks they are all crazy, manipulative, unhappy
people). He believes that ignoring her behavior is
better than starting a war. However, he does agree
with me and said that he would never be able to put up
with her behavior if he were me.
So, it is up to me. Should I sit down and talk to her
like an adult? But what do I say? And what if I am a
big wuss and am scared of the big scary mother-in-law?
Please, please help me,
Not accepted
Dear NA,
I know that I often advocate talking things out, but a lot of times, there’s just no point, and I think this is one of those times. You could try to talk to your mother-in-law, I suppose — invite her out for a cup of coffee, tell her that you know the two of you got off on a bad foot with the Cate situation but that Andy means a great deal to you, you hope you can mend fences eventually and get to know one another on a friendly basis since you do spend a certain amount of time together over the course of a year, blah blah blah — but from the sounds of things, that won’t work.
If anything, you’ll get just get further proof of what you already know, namely that the woman just flat dislikes you. She dislikes you so much that she’s willing to behave like an obvious jackass in order to drive the point home. You can’t talk to people like that, so don’t bother. Instead, take a page from Andy’s book: acknowledge that she sucks, acknowledge that her suckage really has nothing to do with you as a person, enjoy visiting with your nieces and nephews, and ignore your MIL’s crap.
I mean, yeah, you could talk to her like an adult, but she’s not going to talk to you like one, so — skip it.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
