The Vine: January 7, 2005
Here’s the deal. I was kind of dating this guy for
about eight months, then he got back with his
ex-girlfriend. I’m having his child, but he doesn’t
want anything to do with it (he already has two kids
and an ex-wife). We’re still friends, but we’re also
still sleeping together. The problem is that I’m very
much in love with him, so I’ve just been happy with
the status quo (or possibly mired in denial). How do I
break away from this guy, when I really don’t want to,
but know I should?
Love? Or Stupidity?
Dear Please Tell Me You’re Kidding,
GIRL. PLEASE. MY GOD.
He dumped you; he’s cheating on another woman with you; he “doesn’t want anything to do with” your child; he’s only still fucking you because he won’t have to use birth control, and the minute you get too pregnant to fuck, he’ll put you out to the curb with everything else he’s got no use for anymore.
I hope you can forgive me for putting that so crassly, but he treats you like trash, and you don’t seem to get that, or to get that it’s really really bad. You have a kid coming, lady. Said kid deserves a mom who respects herself and doesn’t eat other people’s shit all “mmm, chicken salad!” because that’s how kids learn how to act and how to stick up for themselves — or not.
You made a mistake falling in love with that dude, you’re human, it doesn’t make you sucky but it also doesn’t mean you should stick around. HE SUCKS. RUN AWAY.
Dear Sars,
I have an issue with a friend of mine who considers herself a feminist.
Let
me point out that I am a guy, and I don’t have any problems with
feminism —
I am one according to the “I believe in, support, look fondly on, hope
for,
and/or work towards equality of the sexes” idea (which I like). The
problem
with my feminist friend is her attitude towards the “equality” part.
See, she is of the opinion that women are far, far superior to men.
There is
nothing equal about the sexes as far as she is concerned: women are
flat-out
better at everything. Better at driving, better at working, better at
communicating, better at raising families, better at leading the
world…you get the picture. In her own words, men are stupid, narrow-minded
bigots.
She is quite vocal about all of this. I don’t consider this particular
attitude “feminist,” I consider it sexist, and have pointed this out to
her
on several occasions.
Which, of course, has led to some real shit-fights about this issue. If
I
accuse her of being sexist then she in turn accuses me of being sexist
and
down with the oppression of women. She argues that, because men have
been
“vile” to women for centuries, she is justified in saying pretty much
anything about men. I have even been told by her that my opinion on
abortion
is irrelevant because I have no uterus, which I think is offensive and
absurd.
We’re good, long-time friends, but these arguments can put a real
strain on
our friendship, and on our social gatherings with other friends. She
can’t
even let a good-natured “them women, they sure are bad drivers!” joke
pass
without getting up on her high horse. So my question is basically: am I
being a sexist male chauvinist about this? I don’t think I am, but I’d
appreciate a smackdown if that is the case. But if it’s not the case,
is
there any way to get her to see that her views aren’t feminist, they’re
sexist, and that her double standards are getting on everyone’s nerves?
Thanks for any advice (or smackdowns),
Mr. Feminist
Dear Mr. F,
I’m totally with you, dude. Sexism is sexism regardless of which sex it’s aimed at; the whole chicks-before-dicks, men-are-such-pigs line of thinking is just as lame and as weak intellectually as saying that women can’t drive or we all love babies or whatever.
I think it’s obvious that her “argument,” such as it is, is retarded, but as for how to defuse it…I don’t really know, because now that I think about it, I don’t really know any women like that. I mean, yeah, we’ve all done some trash-talking, but usually because one particular guy was driving us bazoo and not because we hated all of them on principle, so I kind of don’t know what to tell you.
You might start by informing her that you are not in fact sexist, nor are you “down with the oppression of women,” and her saying that you are is offensive to you. If she won’t drop it, get up from the table or get off the phone and leave. Naturally, she’s going to interpret that as some kind of patriarchal condescension, but you know what? Whatever. You can’t change her views, probably, but you can limit your exposure to their corrosiveness, so I’d do exactly that. Tell her she’s out of line, and remove yourself from her presence if she won’t tone it down.
The other option is to fuck with her deliberately — ask her to cite evidence of studies done on the relative effectiveness of women as heads of households, say, compared to men, and then if she can’t, sniff something like, “Typical of a woman, just shooting her mouth off with no data to back it up.” At which point she will LOSE IT on you, and you can chuckle patronizingly and tell her not to “get hysterical,” and then her head will fuckin’ ex-PLODE, problem solved.
I’m only sort of kidding. There’s enough sexism that’s real without idiots like your friend looking for more, so start making it clear that you won’t deal with that crap, because who needs it, truly.
Dearest Sars,
I’m having slight panic attacks over a situation with
two good friends of mine — okay, not really, but I’m
kind of freaking out — two friends are about to
become three…or two friends are going to become
People I Used to Know and I don’t know what to do
about it.
Lily and I have been friends since my first day of
high school. We were both artsy-fartsy together in a
town that fears creativity and had a blast. Post-high
school, I’m aimlessly hanging out at her house all the
time and the group dynamic becomes Lily, myself and
Lily’s roommate (and ex), Casey. We move from Small
City We Grew Up In to Big Cities respectively, yet we
set aside every Saturday night to hang out. Seasons
change, and the group expands to include Dan, Lily’s
beau. More seasons change. We celebrate birthdays, we
go on long road trips, we drink late into the night
and we smoke millions of cigarettes together. We are
young, we have fun, we are happy. Casey and I start
dating (yay!) and Lily and Dan get engaged (more
yay!). They get married and Casey and I couldn’t be
prouder. I signed their marriage certificate.
About a year later (now) Lily and Dan announce…they’re having a baby! Which, of course, I’m excited
about…but I’m not sure they’re going to have room
for a road trip-loving, whiskey-guzzling,
chain-smoking 21-year-old girl when they have a little
girl (or boy) to take care of. Plus, the couple
dynamic has defined the friendship for a little while
now, so it’s me and Casey vs. her and Dan, and their
world of (soon to be) three seems big enough for them.
I’m so afraid I’m going to lose my best friend, and
more than anything I would love to watch their
beautiful, intelligent and wonderful child grow up.
But since me and Casey are swinging singles, and now
Lily and Dan are a happy little family…is there
room for us? Do friendships survive children,
especially when those without children have the
equivalent maturity of 19-year-olds? Should I get
myself knocked up just to have something to talk
about?
I Wish I Was Dating Casey McCall
Dear Me Too,
She’s having a kid, not becoming a Scientologist. Don’t worry quite so much about how things are going to change; she’ll still be your friend, but she’ll be making some adjustments in her lifestyle, that’s all.
Some friendships don’t survive children, because some parents submerge themselves in their kids and there isn’t much room for friends or activities that don’t directly involve the kiddies…but some friendships don’t survive, period, so you can’t just interpret any change in status as a disaster waiting to happen. It’s not an adversarial situation; it’s a new phase. You’ll all adjust and move forward, or you won’t.
The beginning of parenthood does not mean the end of fun times. Relax, be happy for the new parents, and don’t get ahead of yourself dreading the demise of the friendship…because thinking that way is more likely to throw a wrench in things than the infant is.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships kids
