The Vine: July 1, 2004
Dear Sars,
Next semester, I will officially be certified to teach high school English in a Large Southern State with one star on the flag. The Large Southern State legislature recently passed a law requiring all public school students to begin the school day by pledging allegiance to both the U.S. and Large Southern State flags. The law doesn’t mention teachers, but as I understand it, most districts expect teachers to take part in both pledges.
The problem? I wasn’t born in Large Southern State, I’ve only lived here a year, and it wasn’t my choice to come here. I feel no allegiance to this strange land. (I’m from Indiana originally.) I don’t have any problem with Large Southern State per se, but I don’t really feel like pledging an allegiance I don’t feel. I also think that:
a) forcing anyone to pledge allegiance to something is kind of fascist; and
b) pledging allegiance to both country and state is kind of like saying you’re in love with two people at once; it works for some people, but to me it seems like a conflict of interest. (I have no problem saying the U.S. pledge; although I don’t agree with the current administration, I will proudly salute my country’s flag.)
My question is, do you think there’s a graceful way to bow out of saying the pledge to the state flag? What should I say to the kids if they ask about my non-participation? Does refraining from the pledge seem like an unwise career move on my part? (The people who live in Large Southern State are really fanatical about their state pride, and I don’t want to offend anyone.)
Thanks,
An Indiana Yankee in King Bush’s Court
Dear Hoosier,I’d just say it. You don’t have to mean it; just do like you did as a kid and drone along without paying much mind to the words. Or you could just stand there, hand on your heart, and watch the kids for any horsing-around outbreaks instead of talking.
I see your point, and I see why some students (and parents, and teachers) don’t love the pledge, in theory. It’s sort of weird in that it’s supposed to celebrate our fine land and the democracy “for which it stands,” blah dee blah, but then if everyone has to say it, that’s not very democratic, really — and also, it comes off like kind of a kids’-clubhouse-type ritual, like pomp for the sake of pomp. It’s cheesily square. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying.
On the other hand, you have to pick your battles, especially if you’re a teacher, and the guy who picked this battle with the Supreme Court recently got told by the justices to shut it (and they told him that because he’s not the custodial parent, but if that hadn’t been the case, I bet they’d have found another reason). I mean, I can see how it goes against various beliefs, and how it might seem like a slippery slope down to just going along with various other things, but generally, I tend to think that digging in on this particular issue just gives the other side an excuse to get all “you’re an anti-patriot” hysterical about it — and that, as far as the state flag goes, it comes with the territory in Texas. They’re a proud people.
So, to start out with, just go with the flow, but you might make some discreet inquiries among other teachers, or ask the administration what they think of your opening up the pledge for discussion with your classes (if they’re old enough — if you’re teaching second grade, the issues at hand might go over their heads). But it’s probably the smartest play just remain aware of the contradictions without drawing attention to them, or yourself. It’s not a fight I see anyone winning at this point.
Dear Sars,Is it wrong to disown a family member?
My sister Cindy decided to leave my brother-in-law Josh about a year and a half ago on grounds that she claimed he was physically abusive. The family rallied, helped her and her then one-year-old son move from their house three hours away back home to my parents’, and supported her decision. While none of us ever felt particularly strongly about my brother-in-law, I think it would be safe to say her claims came as a surprise to us.
After Cindy left him, Josh decided to exit stage left and join the Navy. Considering he was left with, well, nothing (not even a car) and his son was no longer around I think this was a good call for him and a good way to attempt to straighten out his life. Cindy on the other hand decided going back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for a year would be the best course of action. This worked for awhile…
Having had aspirations to become a police officer for a couple of years, she took a job as a security guard at an outpatient surgery center with a regular 40-hour-a-week schedule. The pay was on the low side (not even $8/hour for a single mom?) and offered no benefits to start, but hey, my nephew is covered by Josh’s benefits, she was happy, more power to her. She had voiced concerns to me after starting work that she was unhappy living with my parents so I offered her to come live with me. She and her son moved in but that soon soured… The security agency she works for started assigning her shifts at any hour of the day at various locations and I turned into the instant baby-sitter. Then, after only being separated from Josh for about two months, she started dating her boss, Jerk.
While she was married.
And so was he. Well, he’s still married.
I understand her marriage was over except on paper at this point, but Jerk was living with his wife when he and Cindy started sleeping together. Cindy seemed to think that because Jerk and his wife were unhappy anyhow this was excusable behavior and didn’t want to hear anybody’s advice. Cindy knew I was growing increasingly displeased with her and she decided to move out shortly after my then-fiance Joel moved in with us, which suited me just fine. Upon leaving the house, however, Cindy neglected to take her cat and her dog with her, citing the fact she could not afford to pay the extra deposits necessary to take them to the new apartment she and Jerk would be sharing. After a few weeks (with ample warning to Cindy that this would happen), Joel and I decided to get rid of the dog as he was not housetrained and we both held full-time jobs. The dog continuously urinated around our house not only on the carpet but also on objects such as my computer tower and violin case. Though he was very sweet, I feel no remorse for the decision, all things considered.
I had learned by this point as well that Cindy had cheated on Josh while they were still married and living together. I say this not meaning to doubt any woman who has or says she has been abused, but it made me seriously question the real deal behind Cindy’s breakup with Josh. I had never personally seen any evidence of abuse nor did my brother-in-law seem to have a temper or any violent tendencies and wonder if maybe Cindy was just unhappy and saw a way out.
Because of Cindy’s work “schedule” (which consists of nothing but regular irregularity), my nephew spends more time at the baby-sitter’s and my parents’ than he does in his own home. Cindy even managed to miss her own son’s second birthday party because of work. When he developed pink-eye-like symptoms, it took her almost two weeks to take him to the doctor. (He has full medical benefits thanks to Josh!) Cindy never has money either even though she receives child support and lives with somebody. Maybe it’s just that up until this point I haven’t really understood her or where she is coming from. I don’t know. But last night was definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back.
It’s official. Like, doctor’s visit, sonogram, sperm and egg official. Cindy’s pregnant to Jerk. The same guy who, last time I was at their apartment, told my nephew, “If you run down that hallway again I’ll beat you” while cleaning his guns in the bathroom. The same guy who once boasted to me that he was kicked out of a 7-11 for making racist remarks to the cashier. And yes, the same guy who recommended to my husband he be drunk on our wedding day to, I don’t know, make things easier for himself. If only I were exaggerating.
I’m past the point that I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried!
Cindy’s divorce was finalized in December and supposedly Jerk finally filed (even though they’ve been living together since June) about two weeks ago. They have plans to get married as soon as possible after Jerk’s divorce is finalized but before the new baby is born. I wish I could make Cindy realize that even though Jerk may seem nice to her that he’s really, well, a jerk. I wish I could help her to leave her job and her relationship and make a better life for herself and her son and the baby on the way. I wish Cindy would listen to what my family tells her but instead she views us as the enemy in some kind of f’ed up war. But she won’t hear anyone out. And at any rate, it’s her life and I know that. We only offer advice because we care.
I love my nephew and despite the new kid’s imbecile dad I’ll most likely love it, too, and will continue to spend time with them throughout my life. But I’m to the point that I want absolutely zero to do with my sister anymore. By the time this baby is born Cindy will be 24 years old with two kids and on her second marriage. She can do what she wants with her life but it’s sad to watch her son get dragged through the rubble. I think she’s the most irresponsible person I know, she’s hurt my feelings on many levels in the recent past (by doing things like not even coming to my bridal shower because of work when she was supposed to be hosting it, among other things), and I can’t see her ever having a desire to change. I know that people often disappoint us and that we are supposed to support them, but do I plan to be present at my sister’s wedding or at the hospital when she has her baby? Honestly, I really don’t.
Please tell me if I’m a horrible, unsupportive, judgmental sister or if I am justified in feeling this way. She’s the only sibling I have and while I’m not saying we’ve always been super-close I certainly feel as though I’ve pretty much lost the sister I used to know. I plan right now to sever all ties with her but am somehow feeling guilty.
Signed,
For goodness sake, I’m just concerned
Dear Concerned,Whatever you do, stop writing to me about her. This is at least the second letter, and I suspect actually the third, that I’ve gotten about Cindy, and I’m done.
She’s going to make decisions you don’t agree with, whether you like it or not, and I don’t know if she’s reacting to perceived judgment from the family or if she’s just not very bright or what, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t like Jerk, you don’t seem to like Cindy herself very much, and now it’s time to decide how involved you want to be in your nephew’s life, set the boundaries, and enforce them once and for all. Stop getting involved; stop trying to change her. It isn’t your job and it isn’t working in the second place.
Cindy is a voting adult. Enough already. Tell her that you love her even if you often disapprove of the choices she makes, and start distancing yourself. Don’t give her money. Don’t respond to pleas for emergency babysitting. Don’t spend time with Jerk. If your parents want to deal with this crap, fine, but you don’t have to and you really shouldn’t — and if you do, do it for your nephew’s sake and don’t get into it with Cindy.
The sister you “used to know,” if she ever existed, is gone and isn’t coming back. Interacting with Cindy as if that sister can be saved is folly. Stop.
Hi there, Sars. Here’s the long of it: I’ve been married to an older man for eight years. During this time we have had an open-door policy on friends and family that if they are in need, they have a home with us. When people are laid off, breaking up or divorcing we act as a way station. They stay for a couple of months and then go on their merry ways. Never a problem until now, and in the form of my husband’s sons from a previous marriage. He got custody of them when they turned 16 and are currently 28 and 30 years old and I am 36. We all have a good relationship that may turn rocky within the next few months.Seth, the oldest, graduated from college then spent the next four years in the military. He got out 18 months ago, moved in with us, sat around on his butt blowing his unemployment while waiting for graduate school to start. He is doing well and will be graduating in a year. During this time he has been spouting off about how embarrassing it is to live with his parents and almost moved in with his best friend, until that friend was called up from inactive duty. Seth tried to bend heaven and earth to come up with the funds to move out, yet when his friend couldn’t, he didn’t. And no mention of moving out with someone else.
My husband and I have always said that his sons were welcome to stay with us if they were either going to school or unemployed and actively looking for work. We have a huge house and good incomes so when I say that Seth is living with us for free, I mean the whole shebang: rent, food, alcohol, internet access, cable, golf, et cetera. At the time we extended the invitation, we never put up ground rules because we thought, “Hey, he’s 29, he’s lived on his own, he’ll be responsible.” Eh, no. Not really. The guy is so self-absorbed it’s amazing. I thought it was something he would outgrow when he matured. But, again, no. I have had to repeatedly tell him to clean up after himself and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of his not contributing the household. He takes everything as if it is his own and gives nothing back. And makes no offer to, either.
He blows through his money to buy his toys and live this grand lifestyle on one hand, yet bitches about how he’s so ashamed to be living at home. Here’s the rub — I am starting my own graduate program next month and will continue to work because we would have to scrimp if I totally quit my job (and I like my lifestyle). I would love to move to part-time, but can’t. This is starting to build into resentment as I figure I have to crimp my life plans and continue to work to support my stepson. My husband agrees that it isn’t fair and is also somewhat fed up with Seth. However, there is this feeling that we will be “changing the terms of the contract” unfairly if we ask Seth to start making plans to move out on his own before the start of the next school year.
Aaaaaand there’s another issue which is tied to this: youngest son (Brad) and his girlfriend. We love them both dearly and they will be graduating from their respective schools next spring. They live out of state and want to move “back home.” Over the holidays, we said they could stay with us while looking for work. Now, given certain statements by the couple, we believe that they are under the impression that they will live with us for free (same deal as his brother) while they work and save money for a year before heading off to grad school. Also, they told her family (Mom, Dad, L’il Bro) that we would be more than happy to have them stay with us for a few weeks over next summer, ’cause gosh we have so much room. WHAT THE? We never, and we nixed that immediately. But while I am what-the-hell-ing over that, it occurs to me that Brad, always a bit manipulative over money matters (to which we have been staunch yet kind deny-ers), may choose to “overlook” many boundaries/guidelines we would put in place (having learned from the Seth experience) as a term of their living with us. These terms would include job-hunting out here prior to graduation (jobs aren’t easy to find in this neck of the woods), actively looking for work while they are here, and moving out within a month of finding a job. I picture Brad saying he tried when didn’t, as is his wont.
Frankly, I want none of it. Not of Brad, not of Seth. They are good people, wonderful senses of humor but I want my house back. I want privacy, I don’t want to be taken advantage of and I don’t want the resentment that comes with that. However, as I said, we “promised” and to pull that away now seems unfair and unkind. Brad will be pissed as well; he thinks that his father always favored Seth (not true) and even if we make Seth move out this summer, we still supported him for over a year. Oh, the problems. I just want to say no. I want to say that it’s my right to do so, and it’s not unfair to say we’ve rethought the whole thing and reneged on all of it. Any advice, dear Sars? I just want to be able to run naked through my house again.
Please sign me,
Stuck and getting stickier
Dear Stuck,Tell your husband that, while you’re happy to help his sons out, that help needs to have terms and an end date — and that you expect him to 1) come to an agreement with you as to what those terms and that end date are and 2) enforce them with Seth and Brad. They get a month free, during which they clean up after themselves and keep the “I live with my folks” whining to a minimum; after that, they pay market-value rent, or they move out, or whatever.
Try to make it clear to your husband that, while you know he’s not comfortable changing the terms, you feel like the terms got changed on you — that you don’t have your own house anymore, that you constantly have to deal with other adults in the house who don’t rinse dishes or show any gratitude, and that it’s not what you signed on for, frankly. If his sons want to resent him for refusing to pay the emotional blackmail freight, well, he might as well get it over with, then.
You need to tell your husband in so many words that you don’t want this, and that if you have to put up with it for another extended period, you will have problems. A couple of months, during which the son in question is out most of the time on interviews, is one thing. A year of kicking back on the golf course? No. Not a reasonable request. Turn it down.
Dear Sars,For my entire life, I’ve been homeschooled in rural Texas by parents who considered dating verboten. As a result, I haven’t been educated on things like “how to ask girls out” or “where the line between normal and forward and bossy lies,” nor have I had much of a chance to try to fumble through it on my own of yet. My sum total of experience in these matters was acquired vicariously through Tom Hanks and/or Meg Ryan movies, which I understand are about as good a source for dating advice as ER is for medical.
I’m heading to a state university this fall. As I discovered at new student orientation, my skills in this department are vastly lacking. The entire weekend brought to the forefront of my mind how much I have to learn; I have a couple questions which I think would greatly ease my transition from completely clueless to only behind-the-curve:
1. Is “Hi, I’m (name), and I thought your comments on Locke’s ‘Second Treatise on Government’ were fascinating. Wanna grab a cup of coffee or something?” the wrong approach to attempting to get to know someone better, and if so, what sort of revisions are needed?
2. Is there any specific way to invite a person in whom I’m interested to my dorm room to play Scrabble or watch Harold and Maude without appearing to have an ulterior motive that, at this stage, most certainly wouldn’t exist?
Corollary of #2: How many dates in open, neutral locations should occur first with said person-in-whom-I’m-interested before inviting her to a less public location becomes appropriate rather than appearing lecherous?
Sincerely,
Missed Courtship 101; looking for remedial instruction
Dear Missed,Okay, first of all, you need to loosen up your delivery a little bit. Just talk to people; converse. Discuss. See whether you get invited for coffee or to play Scrabble. Let things unfold a little and don’t try to manage them so strictly.
To that end, your #1 is fine, but like I said, it’s a bit formal. Open with the Locke and see how it goes; if you’re still talking in five minutes and blocking the classroom door, ask which way she’s going or if she wants to walk with you to get a coffee.
As far as #2 goes, again, see above — just invite the person and let her think what she wants. If she gets that “eesh” look, you can tell her it’s not The Do You Want To See My Room? Ploy; you just like Scrabble and she said she does too. Or offer to bring the board to a coffee shop and play there. Or let her think you have ulterior motives and then fail to act on them.
There’s no hard-and-fast number on the corollary, and anyway, it’s college. The bulk of college life takes place in people’s rooms, rated R or not. The key, one last time, is to take it easy; observe, see where things go, and if you aren’t sure what your next move is, don’t make one right away. If a girl really likes you, you’ll usually know, and you’ll usually be able to tell how to proceed, so don’t try to groom the encounter too much ahead of time.
Dear Sars,I need an unbiased opinion on the situation I’m currently in. I met “B” in early March and we really hit it off. At the time, he told me that he had been seeing another woman, but that it wasn’t working out and he was going to tell her that they needed to “take a break.”
Fine. B and I spent a lot of time together in the next month and a half (including a fabulous trip to Florida) and things were going very well — or so I thought. After spending the night at his place one night about a week after we go back from the trip, I noticed a hairbrush in his bathroom filled with blonde hair. Now, I’m a blonde, but it wasn’t mine and it certainly wasn’t his. I decided not to mention this. When I got back to the bedroom, he was awake and we talked about our weekend plans. He told me that on Saturday he was going out with “that girl he just can’t seem to get rid of.” He said “she keeps saying there’s something going to happen between us and I keep saying there isn’t.”
Okaaaay. At this point, I’m pretty pissed, but keep my cool. On Monday, I confronted him about this. He said that she was insisting that he give her a “month-long trial run of exclusivity” and he didn’t know what to do because he still wanted to see me. I told him to make whatever decision was best for HIM, but that if he did give in to her demands, I wouldn’t be there afterwards when it didn’t work out. A few days later, he told me that he felt he owed it to her to give her the month, but hoped I would change my mind about not seeing him.
Sars, I felt so awful. I guess I liked this man more than I thought I did because I have been heartbroken ever since. I went from being on such an incredible high about this man to being on such an absolute low with no foreshadowing in between (no fights, no bad times, no harsh words — nothing). Well, flash forward to the end of the “trial run.” Almost one month TO THE DATE, I get an email from him saying he’d like to stay in contact with me because he still thinks I’m a very special person, he had to make a decision before anyone got hurt even if that decision was the wrong one, blah blah blah. We made plans to have lunch tomorrow. He just called to reschedule lunch for next week, saying that his office will be closed tomorrow and he wants to take his boat out instead. ???
Am I being a total idiot for saying “yes” to the reschedule? I really feel something for this man and am worried that if I don’t at least meet him for this lunch, I’ll always regret it and wonder what would have happened. Let me tell you that I am normally a very rational and reasonable person, but this has just got me in such a state. I don’t know what to do. Any input you could give would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks,
T
Dear T,Yes. It’s idiocy we’ve all fallen prey to at some point, but still. He’d rather take his boat out than have lunch with you. He’d rather give this other girl — a girl who he intimated to you he didn’t really care for that deeply — a month of his full attention than give it to you. Whatever his better qualities, he’s treating you like the fallback, and you’re living up to that. Don’t. Tell him you’ve changed your mind, his cavalier treatment of you hurt, you don’t want to deal with him, goodbye.
Because now, he sees that he can just reschedule you whenever he pleases — after a month, after the weekend, after leaving you for another girl — and it’s going to go like that from now on. Don’t go to the lunch; don’t wonder what would have happened. I’ll tell you what would have happened. He’d have gotten there late, he’d have talked about himself the whole time, he’d have implied that he missed you and then not called for a few weeks, and then when he did call, he’d want to meet last minute because better plans fell through, and then you’d sleep with him, and then he’d disappear again and you’d see him at the farmer’s market with a redhead.
Don’t want to deal with that, do you? Of course you don’t. It’s fine to still have feelings for him, but it’s not going to end well. Get out now.
[7/1/04]
Tags: the fam workplace
