The Vine: July 11, 2001
Dear Sars,
I feel pretty strange writing this, as this is not the sort of thing that I would usually do, but you’re a stranger and that makes it a little easier for me to unburden, somehow. Also, MBTV and your essays and advice on Tomato Nation kick righteous ass, so here goes.
Three years ago my best friend, J., was killed in a car accident. It wrecked me, but of course that was nothing compared to how it destroyed his family, particularly his mother. I saw them regularly, because spending time together seemed to make us all feel better. Some months after J.’s death, I decided to leave the small town where we had grown up for a large city, figuring that this would help me get on with my life, but J.’s family and I stayed in touch. So far, it has been much better for me; moving was the right thing for me to do. J.’s father and older brothers and sisters took on various jobs and projects to distract them from their grief, and they too are doing pretty well, but J.’s mother is getting worse.
She phones me sometimes and just cries and cries. She regrets, and blames herself for, so many things she feels she did wrong when J. was alive. She says that she can’t talk to her family about J. because they’re all moving on with their lives and she doesn’t want to upset them, and in the next breath she’s angry at them because if they can move on, they must not have loved him as much as she did. Of course this isn’t true — J. was sweet, hilarious, smart, weird, and the entire family adored him — and I know J.’s mother doesn’t really mean it. She says I’m the only one she can talk to because I was so close to J. I don’t want to make it sound as though I mind this, because I care deeply about her and her family and I miss J. painfully too, and I want to help in any way I can. I want her to call me if it makes her feel better. It’s just that I think she’s gotten to the point where she really needs help that I’m not qualified to give her.
Her family and I have suggested this gently to her before, but she doesn’t like the idea. She thinks it won’t help. Needless to say, I am extremely worried about her. I know there’s no set grieving period, especially for a mother; it’s not that I think she should “get over it.” Hell, I’ll probably never be over it, either. But she is a good person and a good mother, and she doesn’t deserve to spend her life in such pain.
So, do I insist she talk to someone who can give her some help to move on? I don’t want her to think that I’m palming her off on someone else. I hope she keeps phoning me to talk; I just think I would be better for her as a sort of supplement to professional help, if that makes any sense. Should I discuss the situation with her family? I don’t want them to think I’m being nosy or presumptuous in doing so, but if she doesn’t talk about it with them, they may not know the extent of her suffering. I’m very confused here, and I would very much appreciate whatever advice you could give me.
Sorry for the length of this. I’ll totally understand if it’s too long for you. It’s good to just get it off my chest, so thanks for the opportunity to do so. Keep up the great work.
Very Confused Girl
Dear Very Confused,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
It’s wonderful of you to offer yourself as a shoulder to cry on for J.’s mother, and I don’t think you’ve made a mistake in doing so — but I agree that now she needs help you can’t give her.
Talk to another member of J.’s family, one who you can rely on to be discreet. Tell them what you just told me. Stress that it’s not an inconvenience for you, but that it’s time for J.’s mother to look into professional counseling, because she’s not moving forward with her life. Then tell J.’s mother the same thing. You care about her, you still want to hear from her, and you miss J. as much as you ever did, but it’s time for her to start dealing with the issues she’s raised to you in a more productive way. She’s going to carry the burden of J.’s death for a long time, possibly forever, but she’s got to find a way to live with that.
I can’t begin to imagine how it would feel to lose a child, but I suspect that J.’s mother’s resistance to the idea of therapy comes from feeling like no support group or psychologist can change the basic facts — namely, that J. is dead. But she’s got guilt and remorse and a whole host of other heavy poisonous feelings going on that she needs to deal with, or they’ll cast a shadow over J.’s memory and over the rest of her life.
Keep insisting that she see a professional. Remind her that nobody would judge her for that. Reassure her that you’re there for her, but that she needs to start her new life — the life without J. — now, even though she doesn’t want to.
Dear Sars,
First, you rock. You are an amazing writer, and I really enjoy your work. Also, I very much like the insight in your advice, so maybe you can help me.
I really screwed up this time, I ´d say. Here are the highlights of the long and boring story: I was married for five years, and got divorced about a year and a half ago. I really, really loved my husband and we still care about each other and get along pretty well, considering the circumstances. But hey, I had to move on. So I am currently dating someone incredibly nice. We were great friends before, and still are. The sex is absolutely out of this world, believe me. I’ve had great sex before, but what we have is breathtakingly good. We laugh a lot together, and he’s also intensely intelligent. Dude, he is a philosophy teacher. And he has a sense of humor. Oh, and he cooks. I do love the guy, but mostly as a friend with whom I share a lot in common and happen to have great sex with. For him, however, I am — in his own words — the passionate love of his life. So, we had this agreement, considering that I was still on the rebound and all, that it was an open relationship. Which, up to now, worked very well. Ominous music on the background. Yeah.
Well, recently I went away in a work trip. So, there’s this very hot guy, Luka. I had sex with him, and it was an enjoyable experience.
Problem one: I told my boyfriend. Because I am stupid and a terrible liar. At first he was very understanding. Still is. But I know he’s hurting so much. Thing is, I was just choking with the feeling of “fuck, I DON’T want to be all settled down and basically married again so soon.” I really would love to still have a relationship with him, for all of those reasons, but I will probably just fuck with his mind, if this is how I feel entitled to act. Which I do, actually. So, should I break up with him so he doesn’t get anymore hurt? Will it be even worse? Is it possible to still keep a relationship like this?
Problem two: I had never had a one-night stand before. So I was feeling kind of insecure, and spilled an awful lot of clichés. Thing is, I despise men who do that, and I don’t think it is anymore forgivable if it’s a woman saying that crap (“This is only for this night, okay?” “Just sex,” and answering when he asked if maybe we could do this again with “oh well, we’ll see, whatever”). It’s not the casual sex itself that troubles me, but the fact that I was kind of mean and cold. I do have the feeling, combined with the fact that Luka is avoiding me like the plague, that just sex was precisely his intention all along, but still, I feel unspeakably rude. This is completely NOT how I handle relationships, ever. I’d like to apologize to Luka, too, but I guess he’d just think I am an insane stalker Dawson-Leery person if I do so. I know this is kind of ridiculous, but would it be possible to just tell him something on the lines of “I was just terribly confused and I am really sorry I inconsiderately treated you like a sex toy,” without him thinking I am crazy? Because Luka actually used to be someone whose company I enjoyed, but now that seems to be lost too.
So I feel like I really hurt and offended two different people in one stroke, and I feel terrible about it. And a total bitch. I would really appreciate your advice.
Thanks.
Free Love Ended In The Sixties, And Nobody Told Me
Dear Free Love Ended,
Wow. Okay, you’ve got a lot going on here.
Problem one: the boyfriend. On the one hand, well, he knew what he’d gotten into when he started this thing. I feel for the guy; I’ve said before in this space that “open relationships” often wind up with one person’s feelings getting pulped, and we’ve all done the “oh, sure, ‘open relationship,’ I’ll just go along with that to your face but keep pining for you silently until you decide you want me and me only” thing. It’s not that I don’t empathize. But you made your position clear from the beginning, and you didn’t give him any false hope.
Ditto problem two. What’s wrong with one-night stands? As long as everyone’s plain on the house rules — and it sounds to me like you laid them down clearly — then no harm, no foul. Again, you didn’t lead Luka on. He’s a grown man. If he wanted more than you could give him, well, that’s his affair.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t care about the feelings of these men, or that you should blithely trample their feelings because “they should know better.” We should all treat people the way we’d want to be treated, and that’s what you’re trying to figure out in this situation — how to do unto these men as you’d want done to you. But you didn’t lie to either of them. You didn’t misrepresent yourself. You told both of them you didn’t want anything serious, and they went ahead. It’s difficult not to feel responsible, but give yourself a bit of a break here. You’re doing the best you can in confusing circumstances.
That said, here’s what I’d do. Your boyfriend feels far more strongly for you than you do for him. The compassionate thing might be to let him go. Yeah, he’s nice and smart and good in bed, but he’s in love with you and that’s not what you want. He’s going to keep getting hurt. I would suggest that you talk about it with him and let him decide, but you’ve already done that and it hasn’t helped, so if you want to salvage your friendship with him down the line, you should consider subtracting sex from the equation now before it does any more damage.
As far as Luka goes, I don’t see any harm in inviting him out for a coffee and explaining what’s going on with you, and that you hope he’s not offended or angry. If he’d prefer to keep avoiding you, well, that’s his decision.
And, again, don’t be so hard on yourself. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, but these are grown men, capable of gauging situations and making their own choices based on the information you’ve given them. You’ve told them both the truth — you can’t deal with it for them.
[7/11/01]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships sex
