The Vine: July 11, 2003
Sars, I need advice. Back in high school, my best friend was a girl I’ll call K. Fast forward three years, and at this point K and I have not spoken in about a year. Our high school friendship was always one-sided, since I was pretty much her unpaid therapist during her mom’s bout with cancer, her troubles with her parents, her drinking problem, her extraordinary levels of self-induced stress, et cetera. When I needed her, she was never there, and we only did stuff together if I initiated it. She made me feel like a complete loser, although unintentionally; it was just that she was richer, thinner, prettier, and she wasn’t smarter but she worked a hell of a lot harder. I still loved her, though, and thought this was normal best-friend behaviour, since I never really had any friends before high school.
Once we left high school, she went on to an accelerated med-school program, and I went to university in another country. Our contact was pretty sporadic, since she was either studying, getting laid, boozing it up, or in another country (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that her family’s filthy rich and she takes at least two trips to Europe a year). When we did manage to see each other, it was “Oh my God, I’m so busy, because I’m double-majoring in med school and journalism, and I’m writing a book, and I’m going to live in London for a month and [cell phone rings] hey, do you mind if I go have coffee with my new boyfriend? I’ll see you in another few months!” This is not actually an exaggeration.
So basically, after a year of university, I learned what true friends acted like, and I figured out pretty quickly that K wasn’t it. I decided to cut off contact with her, and I was perfectly happy with that. This year, she sent a birthday card to my mom’s place, since she doesn’t have my address at school, and she made it pretty clear that she wants to get back in touch. The thing is, she signed the card “Your best friend and med student.” So, Sars, do I avoid rekindling a friendship that will always come second to everything else in her life, or should I just suck it up, deal with my inferiority complex relating to her (and yes, I freely admit I have one. She makes me feel like a miserable failure), and stop whining to advice columnists?
Couldn’t be a med student if I sold my soul to Satan
Dear Couldn’t,
If you didn’t get much out of the friendship the first time around, I don’t see much point in trying again…and you probably think the same thing, but you feel guilty about it, because she reached out to you and because it’s “not nice” not to respond.
You’ll only wind up resenting K again if you try to return to the friendship you used to have, but maybe you could maintain contact without investing quite as much in it the second time around. Don’t spend so much time with her, or staying in touch with her; don’t care so much what she thinks or how you “compare.” And if, after a while, even a lighter relationship isn’t working for you, you can tell her as much and move on.
Dear Sars,
Since I so often find myself agreeing with your points, I thought I’d ask for your advice.
My father has a drinking problem. It started with a few beers a night and has proceeded to a twelve-pack a night. He only ever drinks at home, and it’s always beer, but it’s still a problem and is hurting his health and his relationships. My mother has tried to get him to stop or seek help, but he perceives it as nagging and closes off any discussion. She becomes frustrated and nags more, he shuts down and drinks more. It’s a nasty, vicious cycle but has been fairly stable so far. Miserable, but stable.
However, my mother was recently diagnosed with cancer. Her prognosis is good, and the doctors believe they caught it early and removed all of it. But my father freaked out. He’s drinking even more, and my mother is mad as hell that he’s using her being sick as an excuse to drink more.
So the situation isn’t good. My parents are completely unable to communicate with each other about this. How do I talk to my dad about this? Do you have any communication tactics that won’t put him immediately on the defensive?
Thanks,
Speechless
Dear Speechless,
No, not really. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him; it just means it’s not going to go all that well.
But I think you should do it anyway, as long as you go into the conversation understanding that it’s probably not going to lead to a change in his behavior. He’s drinking as much as he does for a reason, and that reason — depression, feeling out of control, whatever — has become more important to him than his family’s feelings about it. He’s made that clear, and he’s made it clear that nagging won’t work, and that sucks, but you can still go on the record as thinking it sucks even if you can’t change it.
And I would phrase it in exactly that way. You know he’s an adult, you know he’ll do as he likes whatever you say, but you think he’s drinking too much, you hate that he and your mother fight about it, and you want him to think that over. He can change or not, you’ll still love him, but you don’t like his behavior, and you apologize if you’ve made him mad or hurt his feelings, but that’s how you feel.
If he reacts badly, he reacts badly, but his behavior affects you, and you should say so in plain English.
Hi Sars,
I’m a 23-year-old virgin…but this really isn’t the letter you think it is. Hold off on the response about blah blah we all experience life differently fishcakes for just a second. My problem actually relates to my girlfriends.
It seems that as I grow older in life, I have to endure conversations about other people’s sex lives. Well, “endure” probably isn’t the word I’m looking for, since, in all honesty, someone else talking about sex really doesn’t bother me. If Jane wants to share in a public restaurant how her boyfriend whimpers like a little girl or how she tried the position on page 43 of The Joy of Sex last night, then more power to her. Problem being, I’m always expected to reciprocate some juicy detail about my life. And no matter how much I try to deflect the conversation to something else or someone else, I always end up telling everyone that no, I have no sexual experience, could you please pass the salt.
I realize that upon admission to the “girlfriends society” way back in grade school, I accepted the unwritten rule about how girlfriends are expected to dish juicy gossip and personal details…that’s fine. Except, unless I plan to make something up or quote a romance novel, I’m stuck with the option of going 20 rounds with my friends, explaining how I just haven’t met a guy yet who made me want to jump into bed with him. What’s worse is that once they know…every time I see them, they feel they need an update on my non-sex life…with another set of questions. No, I’m not a prude, I’m not a nun, and I’m not saving myself for marriage. No, I don’t want advice. Yes, I’m happy with my life. No, I have no idea what kind of vibrator to buy, and just what the hell kind of question is that anyways? And I have seriously been asked the vibrator question.
In an attempt to keep from tearing someone’s head off, I’ve since started to shut all conversations about sex down early with a wishy-washy “look, I really feel uncomfortable talking about these things in public,” which, after the giggles and teasing, works pretty darn well. Except now I fear I’m quickly being labelled as a spoilsport, goody-goody…and who wants to invite a goody-goody on a girls’ night out to the club?
So, since I’d like to continue to have friends among the female population, I’m looking to you for advice. Is there a “good” way to handle these kinds of conversations with girlfriends when you really have no experience to relate to? Should I just suck it up and sit through the 20 Questions game? Tell my friends where to stuff their “good-natured” inquisition when they start? Start memorizing passages from romance novels? Or should I just jump the cute security guard in the mall I work at and solve my problem that way?
Thanks in advance for the help!
Starting To Think Option 4 Is A Pretty Good Idea
Dear Starting,
You’ve made the choice to remain a virgin. It’s a valid one. I think the problem here is mostly that you don’t believe that, and that you care too much what people think of you as a result.
You can respond to the ruder comments (like the vibrator advice) with the time-honored quizzical “why on earth would you say that to me?” When it’s Time To Share, though, why not just say to them what you just said to me? “Yeah…I’d love to pipe up here, but, well, nothing to pipe. Heh. I just said ‘pipe.'” Or, if the sharing is starting to bore you because you’ve got nothing to add, why not just say so? “Guys, can we talk about something I actually know about? Any of y’all own a TV?”
I mean, these are your friends. They should know your deal — your closer friends, anyway — and find a way not to act insensitively about it, and if they haven’t figured out that their attitude towards your virginity makes you uncomfortable, you should say so. I can’t imagine they’d get offended, or act like you came into town with the circus if you’d rather talk Harry Potter than Kama Sutra, and if they do, you probably need new friends.
Dear Sars,
I have a problem (duh). I have sought the advice of my two closest friends, but as we three are essentially the same person, I’m not sure how unbiased they are.
My roommate, Chuck, and I are best friends. We have been friends since third grade, and I love him intensely. We have been roommates since last year and things have been just peachy. In the beginning of this year, however, Chuck got a new boyfriend. I love New Boyfriend, don’t get me wrong. NB is perfect for Chuck, and I have never seen him happier.
The problem? From day one, NB has been at my house almost constantly. We’re talking almost every night during the week, and he spends every single weekend here. It makes me uncomfortable, because I feel like I am intruding on something private between Chuck and NB. I know that if I were spending the weekend with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t want to wake up in the morning, head down for a cozy breakfast, and see another person in the living room reading/watching TV/eating/whatever. I know that one of the inconveniences of having a roommate is putting up with his various significant others, but when is too much too much? When is it a valid claim that NB is here TOO much?
I haven’t approached Chuck about it for a few reasons. One, I’m not sure if I am overreacting. Two, I am by nature non-confrontational. Three, I know Chuck well enough to know his reaction. Chuck is my best friend, and because of my love for him I often overlook his number one personality trait: selfishness. He’s extremely self-centered, and doesn’t have any insight into what others think or feel. He’d never understand why it bothers me. Chuck also owns the house, and I’m really his tenant. In the past, when I’ve mentioned that it makes me uncomfortable when he brings dates here without giving me some warning, he plays the “it’s my house” card.
As an extension of my same problem, Chuck and NB are very much into public displays of affection. I know Chuck doesn’t consider them PDAs since they occur in his house, but as far as I am concerned, if there is another person in the room, it is a PDA. I am adamantly anti-PDA. I hate it. And these aren’t just little things like giving each other a kiss hello or goodbye, or sitting with their arms around each other on the couch. They kiss and kiss and kiss in front of me, and they cannot sit together on the couch. They must lie together, limbs tangled, heads resting on chests, hands caressing one another. It urges me to stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver, when all I really want to do is sit in front of my big beautiful new television and watch TV.
I am very outspoken in my contempt for PDAs, and Chuck knows how I feel. Still, he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration. I haven’t directly addressed how uncomfortable the Chuck/NB PDAs make me, but I know that he knows. In a way I don’t know if I want to directly address it, because I’m afraid I’ll get accused of being intolerant because Chuck is gay. It’s not true, I don’t want to see anyone feeling someone else up, but Chuck is (rightly so) super-sensitive about intolerance.
So, is it my problem? Should I just try and force myself to get over it? Or do I have a valid claim against the invasion of my home and the possible permanent damage to my retinas?
Thanks,
Anti-PDA
Dear Anti,
You could try talking to Chuck, just to see how it goes. Sit him down and tell him that you think NB rocks, and it’s great that Chuck is so happy, and you know it’s his house and his rules…but does he think there’s any way that NB could spend a little less time over at the house, or that Chuck could go over to NB’s place now and then, or that, when NB is over, the two of them could cut down on the schmoop a little bit when you’re in the room. Can the two of you work out a compromise? Because it’s not that you begrudge Chuck any happiness, obviously, but you feel like you’ve walked in on something private, and it’s awkward.
If he’s totally rigid about it, find somewhere else to live. It’s his house; if he doesn’t want to bend, he doesn’t have to.
Hi Sars,
I need some advice. Last summer, my husband of eight years decided all of a sudden that our marriage was not working out. Mind you, this was a couple weeks after my father was diagnosed with cancer. Nice timing, huh? I move out into a condo with my sister and try to get my life together. Still talk with the ex, get these bizarre little notes about how he still loves me and how I was such a good wife and he was sorry he didn’t let me know enough when we were married. Okayyyy.
Fast forward to March, when I meet a nice guy, we’ll call him “J.” J and I start dating pretty regularly, I think we have much in common and seem to be having a good time together. I say “seem to” because all of a sudden he starts acting weird and distant. I ask him what’s up, he sends me an email saying he can’t see us being more than friends, and that he would like to see me occasionally (gotta love THAT word) as friends.
I need to add a bit more backstory — I am in my late thirties, considered pretty attractive by most people I meet and am often mistaken for much younger. In fact, I was still getting carded up until this year. I do have one major insecurity in that I do not have a college degree. I am going to school now, but for some reason I cannot seem to get over this and wonder if that is why some guys aren’t interested. Okay, that sounds nuts, but it does bother me to no end.
So my questions are thus: When a guy says he wants to go out as “friends,” does he really mean it? Do people judge each other as much as far as education as I feel they do? Why is my ex acting like he is? Another problem: He has been making noises about doing things together, and I am getting a feeling he wants me to come back home. Help!
Thanks,
Tired of getting dumped
Dear Tired,
Wow. Okay, you didn’t give me nearly enough information to answer most of your questions, but I’ll take a crack at them.
Ohhhh, “as friends.” We meet again. I’d like to preface my remarks by saying that, truly, it isn’t just “a guy thing.” When a sexual/romantic relationship ends, everyone starts throwing the word “friends” around, and nobody is honest about what he/she means by it, so it can mean just about anything, depending on the context. It can mean “friends someday, but not today, because today, we hate each other.” It can mean “hanging out and hoping it becomes more again.” It can mean “we’ll still sleep together even though it’s toxic.” It can mean “I don’t have the guts to tell you that I have no interest in seeing you again socially.”
Here, I think it means “hey, I might need a back-up, so stay in touch.” Again, I can’t say for sure, but that’s how “weird and distant” + still wants to “see you occasionally” adds up for me. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean it; he probably thinks he does. But he probably means something else, too. Whether you want to figure it out is up to you.
Next up: Judging people on education. Let me put it this way…when I compose a mental list of the top ten biggest dumbasses I’ve met in my lifetime, seven of them have Ivy League degrees. Seriously. Sure, some people will judge you on your educational pedigree. Those people need to get outside more often. Your level of education does not necessarily correlate to your native intelligence; it certainly doesn’t correlate to the contributions you make to the world as a person. Never has, never will.
And finally, your ex. I don’t know why he’s acting the way he is. He probably had a fling and now he’s bored; I don’t have enough information to say, but if you want to know what he’s up to, ask him straight out, and if you don’t want to go back home, don’t go. He’ll live.
[7/11/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships roommates sex the fam
