The Vine: July 11, 2006
Sars,
I would go to a shmancy jeans boutique or maybe a Nordstrom — the reader didn’t say where she lives — and ask where they send their customers for hems. Since 95% of us have to hem those 36″ inseams, most shops selling $200 jeans (or whatever) use or recommend a tailor who does them right.
Good luck to her!
LF
Thanks! Other suggestions appear below; if I got it more than once, it has an asterisk.
Tell the tailor you want a European cuff (when they re-attach the original cuff, this is what it’s called)*
Buy the jeans at a finer department store; they have free alterations and their tailors already know what’s up
Bring the shoes you wear most often to the tailor to make sure the hem is the right height
Look for a 28-inch inseam
Hey Sars,
Here is my problem that I could use a fresh opinion on. Well, technically speaking, it is not my problem; it is a problem that people are having with me, namely that I am both gay and Christian. I am quite aware of the fact that this is an odd combination and I am not really expecting most people to get it, but dude, I don’t look askance when a pulmonologist smokes, you know?
I am getting no ends of crap from my gay friends who constantly ask me how I could believe in a God that hates me. To which I reply, my God doesn’t hate me; all the stupid narrow-minded fundamentals hate me. And on the flip side, I have some Christian friends who keep asking in effect when I will turn straight. I don’t know how many times I have tried to explain, um, dudes it is not a choice and it doesn’t work like that, but they don’t seem to get that part.
So, having explained my dilemma in the briefest way I could, my question to you is this: Do I keep trying to explain to my friends where the hell I am coming from, or do I just say screw it, tell them all to eff off, and get a new batch of friends? I like all of my friends a lot, but the constant explaining of yourself and your beliefs gets really tiresome.
Getting Pissy with Small-Minded Folks
Dear Pissy,
Well, if you like your friends, and if they don’t seem to have a problem with either your sexuality or your Christianity, so much as the fact that those things co-exist? You might consider just changing the subject every time. You’ve tried to explain, and they’re not hearing you, so start rehearsing phrases like “we’ve been over this — so, are you guys watching Big Brother?” and “thanks for your concern, but I’m good the way I am — how’s work?” Don’t get into it.
If you’re not feeling accepted by these people, maybe it’s time to find some new friends — join a progressive church that has a GLBT group and socialize with those people, for example — but if your current friends are being more bossy/nosy than mean/judgy, maybe the answer is just to not discuss it anymore.
Dear Sars,
I am having an etiquette dilemma, regarding weddings. Miss Manners I ain’t, so I’m hoping you can share your wisdom. My friend “Emily” recently announced she is getting married this fall. Emily is 30; she was married briefly in college and divorced shortly thereafter, so this is her second marriage. The plan is for a civil ceremony (no bridesmaids or anything) and a small reception, probably at her home.
Emily sent me an email when they set the date, and the postscript read, “We are thrilled and excited about the wedding, and hope you will be able to pitch in to do the decorations.” A mutual friend has indicated she got a similar note, but that hers made it more clear Emily would like us to PROVIDE the decorations. I don’t have any objections to helping tie crepe paper flowers, or buying a nice gift, but I don’t see why I should be paying for decorations for a party that I am not hosting. If she can’t afford to put out a nice spread, well, money is tight for everybody. I don’t think anyone would be offended if she served cheese and crackers on paper napkins.
I thought I would send a note back saying something like, “Hey, I’d be glad to help you put up some flowers and stuff, let me know when you’ve got everything ready.” Thereby avoiding mentioning money, but making it clear I don’t expect to pay. Mutual Friend says she would rather ask outright. I think it was tacky of Emily to suggest we pay for her decorations, and would be equally tacky to make a fuss about it. Am I wrong? Should I ask specifically if she wants me to buy the fooferaw? And if the answer is yes, should I just suck it up and pick up some white balloons and paper wedding bells at the party store?
Next question: Since there is no real maid of honor, should I (or any of our group) offer to put together a bridal shower/hen party? Is that even appropriate for a second wedding? Or should we wait for word from the bride that she is planning something along those lines?
Signed,
Hey, I’m poor too, why not buy your own buntings?
Dear We’re Cheap, Ask Around,
(Readers set ’em up, I knock ’em down.)
I think your response is perfect — meaning that it’s along the lines of what I’d send, sort of an “I’ll help put up the decorations, cough” thing. If she explicitly asks you to pay, then you’ll have to decide how to handle it; it kind of depends on how fancy she wants to get with them, but you may want to just go with the flow. You can always tell her you won’t be able to do that, you’re sorry, but it’s for you to say how she’d react to that and whether you want to provoke any potential unpleasantness there.
As far as the bridal shower goes, you could just wait to see if she mentions it, and then ask her if she’d like you to put together something casual — a luncheon, say, or cocktails. I don’t think the fact that it’s her second marriage means that having a full shower is Not Done, but she may not feel comfortable having a to-do; the best way to find out is to ask.
[7/11/06]
Tags: Ask The Readers etiquette friendships retail
