Sarah,

I have a stepsister, ten years my junior, and we’ve had NO relationship for the past eight years or so (I’m 39). The final straw (for me) was a “story” she told my father (the only “dad” she’s ever had around) that he took for true and caused he and I to not speak for nearly a year. Dad and I have ironed out the difference, but I can’t get past what she did . . . maybe she thought she would be the “good daughter,” maybe she just doesn’t like me – who knows?

The problem I have with all this is two-fold. First, my dad and her mom frequently lament the fact that “Jenny” and I aren’t close – I’ve pushed this aside with “we don’t have much in common, age difference, et cetera et cetera.” I don’t like to lie, but would have a hard time explaining the resentment I feel toward them for the inequitable treatment we received while growing up. The things our parents did are not her fault, [and] as far as I’m concerned she caused the rift between us with her lies.

The second issue is her two darling girls, ages six and three. I dearly love them, but can’t put on the front long enough to attend family dinners, et cetera, with their mother there.

Am I being a spoiled brat about this whole thing? Should I confront her with my differences with her, and our parents with my differences with them? Do I just see my nieces as I can, without stirring up the hornet’s nest of “talking it all out”?

Thanks!

Twisted Sister

I think whether you try to talk it out with your various family members depends on whether you’ve tried to talk it out with them before, and whether you’ve had any success with that. If you’ve brought up your issues to Jenny, or to your dad or stepmother, before, and found them unreceptive, then frankly it sounds like you’ll do more harm than good by starting in on it again.

But if you’ve carried these resentments around and never said anything about them, it’s time to lance the boil. Invite Jenny out to lunch, just the two of you. Tell her you’d like to clear the air. Explain how some of her behavior has made you feel. Don’t accuse her of anything; just talk about how she has affected you, and ask if there’s anything she wants to talk about, and tell her that you’d like to move forward in your relationship with her, past all the knotty competitive stuff that happens between siblings and stepsiblings sometimes – because I assume that’s what you want, to come to new terms with this woman and get along with everyone. Sit your father down and have the same talk with him, emphasizing that you’re not looking to place blame, just to get a few things off your chest and get on with life.

Quite possibly, they haven’t examined these things for themselves, and in that case talking to them about it will help. Just as possibly, it won’t help, and if Jenny and/or your dad gets overly defensive or shuts you down, you’ll have to decide for yourself what to do next. I’m not saying you don’t have a legitimate beef with them – it sounds like you do – but if your family doesn’t want to address the past, you’ll have to find a way to leave it behind on your own, or these resentments will keep bringing you down.

[7/12/00]

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