Sarah –

My older sis Jen (with whom I am not very close) is having surgery next week. Hemorrhoids removal. I know. Revolting. My mom called me the other night, and asked me to go to be with Jen to take care of her (she lives in a god-awful suburban town in North Carolina, I’m in Chicago) because my mom’s plans to go were suddenly changed because of some good job interviews she suddenly got. Jen is married and has a toddler-age daughter. The last time I visited, I spent the whole week babysitting her daughter, cursing myself for not realizing why Jen had eagerly invited me in the first place.

Here’s the deal – I make very little money, and although my mom is offering to pay for the plane ticket and lost wages for the week (yes, a whole week) that I would be there taking care of Jen, I can’t accept money from her – Mom is currently unemployed and has been for months, and I just can’t do it.

I called my mom last night, after figuring out the whole price of this week-long jaunt would be $500, and told her I can’t afford it. She begged me to go and sent me on a huge guilt trip, recounting all the times that she (Mom) had helped me out, et cetera. See, I know in my heart that Jen would never help me out like this, but expects everyone else to do it for her.

I can’t afford this, bottom line. But the trouble is that I bought a plane ticket through Priceline, figuring I could say, “Sorry, Jen, but I couldn’t find a ticket cheaper than three cents, so I can’t come.” But those agreeable bastards at Priceline GAVE me my (what I thought was) ridiculously low fare of $100 for the ticket. Argh. So now I have a ticket I don’t want for a vacation I can’t take. But if I went, my mom would approve, and I’d spend the week feeding Metamucil and anger down my sister’s throat for being so able to get her way.

Am I being a jerkosaurus?

RN

In answer to the question you asked, no. You can’t afford the trip; you feel put-upon and taken for granted. It’s not wrong to feel that way.

Your mother and sister may believe that, Because It’s Family, the situation requires you to shoulder the load. It doesn’t. Yes, it would please your mother and constitute a nice gesture, and if you’ve already committed to go, you’re stuck with it…but if you don’t genuinely want to lend Jen a hand, don’t. You are not a child caregiver. You are not, I presume, a nurse or a home health-care worker. If Jen needs extra help, or your mother feels that she does, it is up to them to arrange for that help, not to expect you to leap into the breach.

Jen is an adult, hemorrhoid surgery is a minor procedure, and I don’t recall your saying that she asked you to come herself, so, if I may speak frankly, to hell with her. She’s a grown woman, and she can shift for herself. Call her and your mother and tell them you cannot make the trip for financial reasons. Apologize, but stand firm. Suggest that Jen hire a home nurse for a few days, or have friends in to help with her daughter, but don’t let them guilt you into going.

I don’t mean to imply that families shouldn’t pitch in and help one another in times of crisis, of course, but this isn’t a crisis. It’s outpatient surgery, and between the two of them, they can sort Jen out. Stay home, and send flowers…and if you already said you’d go to North Carolina, then go, but resolve to learn the word “no” and use it.

[7/13/00]

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