The Vine: July 13, 2001
Sars:
More suggestions for Very Confused Girl: If J’s mother won’t go to counseling (professional or spiritual), I recommend that she look into support groups for parents who have lost children. One group J’s mother (or VCG on her behalf) might check out is The Compassionate Friends; to quote from their website: “The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive. The Compassionate Friends is a national nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers friendship and understanding to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation and there are no membership dues or fees.”
A family I am acquainted with became involved with TCF after the death of their son, and they found a lot of comfort in talking to others who had experienced a similar loss. It’s been well over ten years since their son died, and they continue to keep in touch with quite a few of the people they met through TCF. I know there are other support groups out there, too; she could check with her physician or a local social service agency for referrals.
I just wish my mother had known about this group (if it even existed back then) when my younger brother died. I think it would have helped her tremendously.
Sheri
Dear Sheri,
That’s an excellent suggestion — thanks so much. Area churches and hospitals often sponsor groups like that too; a quick leaf through the yellow pages should turn something up.
Sars,
Hopefully you can sort this one out for me. I was hired by my current employer in March as a temporary fill-in. In May, he hired a woman for this position permanently. However, he decided to keep me on for four months past her date of hire to help in the transition. I am extremely capable in this job and appreciate his faith in me. But lately, the woman he hired has been taking credit for the work I’ve done. Nothing major, just small things. Like, if I find a file he’s looking for, she’ll bring it in and say, “I found this file for you.” Generally, she does this at least twice a day. I’ve taken to ignoring her, grunting at yes or no questions, and glaring when she asks me a stupid question. I know none of this behaviour is mature, but I can’t cope. What can I do? I don’t want to go running to my boss squeeling, “No, no, no, I found the file.” Well, I want to, but I know I shouldn’t. How can I deal with this in a mature, professional way? Help!
One-Upped
Dear One,
Okay, it’s annoying when people do that, but a little perspective is in order here.
First, you’re leaving the job soon. When the four months end, you don’t have to deal with it anymore. It isn’t a situation that’s going to end up in your file because your boss thinks you aren’t proactive enough or something — obviously your boss thinks you rock, or he wouldn’t have kept you on so long to hold this other woman’s hand while she got settled.
And that brings me to my second point, namely that your successor probably feels a little insecure and wants to show both your boss and you that she can handle the responsibility. It’s irritating, sure, and it’s going to backfire on her, but again, that’s not your problem.
You might point out to her, in a gentle and patronizing “I’m just trying to help you here” tone, that she probably shouldn’t take credit for doing things she hasn’t done, because it’s not going to help her in the long run. If she gets snitty about it, shrug, repeat in the same condescending tone that you’re not accusing her of anything, just making a suggestion.
But don’t keep passive-aggressiving her. It’s a waste of energy, she’s clearly not getting the hint, and it’s not worth you getting your panties in a twist over, because, again, you’re out of there in a few months anyway.
[7/13/01]
Tags: the fam workplace
