Okay, I need some advice from a generational peer on this situation. I’m 26 and I’m starting to have all kinds of icky, very adult realizations about myself and my life. Chief among these is that I am not a very happy person, overall, and that my family is one of these reasons why I’m not happy. I had always thought that I was a basically well-adjusted person with a good childhood. Not so, really, at all. I am planning on talking through the more general oh-so-I-actually-grew-up-lonely-and-strange issues with a therapist, but I wanted your help with a more specific issue: my dad.

To be fair, my dad got the short end of the stick in life, what with my mom divorcing him after 18 years to eventually marry another woman. He also has a lousy family full of horrible women who treat him poorly. I say these things to you because I have to keep saying to myself. I have to find some way of giving him the benefit of the doubt. You see, he is anti-social, rude, tactless, insensitive. He quit his middle-management job almost a year ago and has barely begun looking for a new job. He spends all his time in front of the computer, either playing games or chatting online. He has no friends and has no contact with any live humans apart from my brother and me. When my brother and I got married — me in 2001 and him in 2004 — my dad was an absolute nightmare. Even though he sang at our wedding, he has always treated my husband with contempt. When my brother went into the hospital last year, Dad behaved like a total ass towards his wife. This, actually, is the best example of what is bothering me so much: Not only did Dad try and persuade my brother’s doctors to talk to him instead of my sister-in-law, he even showed up at my sister-in-law’s work to bitch her out for not keeping him informed. In fact, he had been well-informed. It’s just that he wasn’t contacted FIRST.

Now that he is unemployed, Dad has become increasingly dependent on my brother and I. We are his only contact with the outside world. I understand that we are his children and he is always going to want a relationship with us. Of course, and that’s totally fine. It’s just that its becoming a very unhealthy, one-sided relationship. He wants our time and attention for himself, gets pissy when we have other priorities, and just generally goes out of his way to be a nuisance. He sold his car a few weeks ago, obstensibly to save money, though he only had a few payments left and barely drove it anyway. Not only has this completely handicapped his job search, in the city where we live it makes it extremely difficult for him to get anything done. I can’t help thinking that he wanted to make himself more dependent on us, that this is also why he isn’t looking for a job. I can’t help thinking that he wants to become a burden, so that we won’t “abandon” him to live our own lives.

At any rate, his poor decision-making is forcing me to think ahead on his behalf, and the picture isn’t pretty. I am too young to be taking care of a parent, especially an experienced, college-educated parent who is perfectly capable of supporting himself. He is blowing through his retirement money while unemployed. I have no idea what kind of nursing home Social Security will pay for these days, but I have half a mind to just let him find out.

What do I do? What do I say to him, if anything? How much responsibility do I bear towards a parent at this point? Any advice on how you would handle all this would be much appreciated.

Thanks a bunch,
Wishing I was spawned from a cabbage patch about now

Before you do anything or say anything directly to your father, you and your brother should sit down and have a frank discussion about the situation — what you think is going on with Dad, how you want to handle it so as to present a united front, and what your strategy is going to be if he doesn’t respond.

In my opinion, your father is depressed, and on top of that, he’s acting the way he does because it works and doesn’t carry any consequences. So, it’s probably time for the two of you to suggest to him, kindly but firmly, that he look into getting some help, because he’s not a productive person right now and he’s obviously unhappy. It’s also probably time for you to let him know that you love him, you support him, and you will help him within reason — but you won’t enable him to become dependent on you. He needs to get a job; you will not be able to take him on financially. He needs to find his own transportation; you have a life, and can’t be his chauffeur. He needs to treat both of you with respect; you care about him, but you won’t be a doormat.

And if he’s not hearing that, fine. End the conversation and start backing up words with deeds. Leave the room if he’s being rude. Don’t give in to clingy behavior. Express your compassion if he’s having trouble with the bills, but don’t pay them, or promise to.

He’s not a child; nor, from what I can tell, is he so elderly that taking over certain of his responsibilities is a role you should take on at this point. He needs to get his shit together, and you need to behave in a way that induces him to do so — loving and sympathetic, but no more. He may rise to that challenge and he may not, and if he doesn’t, you and your brother should agree on what happens next — do you help him out, do you let him hit bottom, what.

But I think you need to let him drift for a while and figure out that he needs to get himself some help. He’s got you trained to feel sorry for him and let him get away with shit. The first thing is fine. The second thing needs to stop.

Dear Sars,

I’m a member of a coed adult softball team that I love, but that is run by two people that I can’t stand. When I joined the league two years ago, it was a blast — I had a great time both on and off the field with my teammates. One of our coaches stepped down after that year, and was replaced by a teammate who takes things much more seriously and has led the team in a competitive, rather than recreational, direction. I’m not one of the best players, so this has affected my time on the field a bit, but not too much. I’m not thrilled about the decreased playing time, but much more bothered by the way that the new coaching duo runs the show and the attitude that they put forth. Basically, it’s not as much fun. I’ve played on other teams in different leagues and always felt that my teammates had confidence in me and felt that I’d do my best; these coaches give the impression (intentionally or not, I’m not sure) that they expect failure and can’t wait until they can put me on the bench again.

In any other situation I’d look to switch teams, but because of the eligibility requirements of the league, I’m not able to do so. And there is a huge social aspect to the league that I’m not quite willing to give up and can’t really participate in without team membership. I’m not the only person on the team bothered by the situation, but I seem to care about it a bit more. I have spoken to the coaches a bit, but it hasn’t helped much. To me, it seems that there are two options — quit, and be done with it, or suck it up, phase out my interactions with the two, and finish out the season. I was just wondering if you’d ever been in a similar situation, and could offer advice, or knew of another option that I might be overlooking.

Many thanks,
These splinters are starting to get to me

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Dear Splint,

My apartment, like many New York City apartments, has good and bad things about it, and one of the bad things — the fact that the building is settling, which means all my floors are slanted, and there’s really nothing to be done about it short of gutting the building and starting over — was really getting to me a couple of months ago. I had most of the year left on my lease and already I was combing Craigslist, looking for affordable one-bedrooms. There wasn’t much; what there was was in neighborhoods I didn’t want; I can’t afford to buy right now.

So I just made a command decision to live with the indoor hill. It’s still annoying, and the next time I apartment-hunt, I’m bringing a carpenter’s level along, but I hate the idea of packing everything up again and I can’t afford to pay two rents, so: here’s where I live. I like my neighbors, it’s convenient, and the rent is a good deal for the area. Positive thinking in the face of no other choice.

Same situation here. You don’t like the coaching style; you’ve spoken to them about it, but nothing changed; you don’t want to leave. So, what are your choices? You can bow out and hope there’s a coaching change before next season, or you can stick it out and focus on the things you like about the team — the camaraderie, the exercise, whatever it is that makes you not want to leave.

I’m hardly a Pollyanna, but it’s for that very reason that I’ve found that getting into a cycle of negative thinking is self-perpetuating — it becomes all you can see, and if you can’t really change whatever the negative is, it starts to take up the foreground of your thinking about the situation. Try to break that cycle by viewing the team as an adventure, a test to be endured, whatever makes it into more of a merry tale and less of a thing where you’re like “I hate this I hate this” all the time.

It’s not so much about positive thinking; it’s about re-angling your negative thinking. If you want to stay in the league, accept that this is what is, and fit it into a smaller place in the narrative.

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Okay, so I don’t really know how to even begin this thing — and I have a feeling it is going to be long.

A little backstory: my mom is a “recovering” anorexic and has a manageable case of OCD. I was brought up in a house where food and weight was always a topic of conversation and my mom performed a few small but annoying “rituals,” and cleaned our house obsessively. One memory I have a child was my mom telling me not to touch anything in a public restroom because you can get germs and germs can kill you. I didn’t use a public restroom until I lived in a dorm when I went away to college.

I didn’t really notice any of this until I was older. I ended up a classic overachiever/perfectionist (but in a good way) — high school valedictorian, never got into trouble, went to a top-notch college, got a good job, et cetera.

As I got older, I started to notice certain strange affectations I had — knocking on wood three times when I thought something bad, never stepping on cracks or in shadows, tapping my finger against my steering wheel or my foot on the floor at every telephone pole on the road — lots of little things that sometimes became more intense but never really bothered me to any extent. I also found out more things about my mom — like how she used to follow me to school when I walked with my friends to make sure I got there safely.

I got married last year and moved in with my husband for the first time and adopted two little puppies. That’s where the trouble began. I became obsessed with our dogs and their health — in a manner that is completely unreasonable. Racing home from work during my lunch hour to make sure they haven’t had a seizure, not wanting my husband to walk them without me in case they got off the leash, thinking about how I would console one if the other died — stuff like that. I practically live at the vet’s office. I cried like a baby the day I dropped them off to be fixed — I was convinced one of them was going to die on the operating table.

My thoughts are obsessive and irrational. This I realize. I took enough psychology classes in college to realize that I also have an obsession with my weight and with exercising (I weigh about 120 at 5’7″) — and that it is all entwined and stems from my fear of being out of control. The obsession/fear has always been there (growing up, whenever there was a thunderstorm I used to let our family dog sleep in my bed — I thought a big tree outside of our house was going to fall and crush her during the night) — it’s just been magnified by the huge life changes I’ve been through recently.

So I was reading a magazine recently and came across an article on something called post-partum OCD. And while I haven’t yet had a child and I’m in no way as hindered in my life as the women in the article, I recognized a sign of something. My husband and I are thinking about starting a family soon and if I’m this obsessed with a couple of dogs, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with an actual child. I don’t want to turn into one of these women or my mother but I can totally see myself reacting to things similarly.

So, finally, my question. Do I talk to my doctor about this? Ask for a referral? I mean, it all feels so weird because I recognize that I’m being irrational and I understand where it is coming from — I just don’t know how to handle it and I’m afraid of it eventually becoming out of control when we have children. And does it sound like I’m overreacting? I feel like my doctor will think so for some reason. It’s just so hard to accurately explain what is going on in my head. When I leave the house, I think it’s going to burn down while I’m gone and no one will know to save the pups. I KNOW this is insane, I KNOW there is nothing I can do about if it actually did happen — I mean, I still do leave the house, I just do so with an enormous amount of anxiety about it.

One last thing, I have discussed all of this with my husband. But I don’t think he really understands where I’m coming from.

Thanks for listening,
Why can’t I just be obsessed with Brangelina like everyone else?

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Dear Bran,

Your husband isn’t a licensed professional; he might not know what to say. He also might just have accepted that you’re high-strung in certain ways, and since it’s not bothersome to him, he may have trouble really plugging in to the fact that it’s bothersome to you.

I’m not a licensed professional either, but you should see someone who is — you’re right that this is about control, but you’re not going to be able to break the cycle until you talk to a therapist and get to the bottom of what it is you’re trying to control. Something from your childhood, some general class of situation that makes you anxious, whatever it is, you need to get to the root of it so that you don’t need the behaviors anymore. And I believe there are prescription drugs that can help, too, as far as breaking the compulsive-behavior cycle in the short-term and letting you rest from them long enough to analyze them.

Get a referral. Explain to your doctor what you just told me, that you’re having obsessive thoughts and they’re manifesting in compulsive behaviors and you’re just tired of it. Make sure the counselor you’re referred to has some experience in these cases; a strict Freudian is maybe not the most efficient way to go here. And don’t worry too much about it. These things happen; the mind gets into patterns. It can get out again, it just takes time and you might need some help.

[7/13/06]

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