The Vine: July 14, 2004
Dear Deborah,
Ever since reading your article, “Ten Things Everyone Should Know About Islam” at hissyfit.com several years ago, I have had in mind to learn more about this religion and its practitioners. At this point, I am interested in finding reading material which would give me a solid introduction to the history of Islam, its key concepts and customs, and information about the many people who embrace this faith around the world. Are there any books you could recommend?
I am particularly concerned with avoiding material that promotes any of the misrepresentations of Islam that you warned readers about in “Ten Things,” which has made my endeavor to select books on Islam difficult as I currently lack access to any friends, teachers, booksellers or librarians who know anything about the subject. Of course, I have nothing against the internet or other multimedia resources, so any links, documentary titles or audio books you want to suggest would be great, too.
Sign me,
Ameliorating in America
Dear Thank You For Being Part Of The Solution,
I get asked this question so much you’d think I’d have put together a list by now and posted it somewhere, wouldn’t you? Yeah, I’m sorta slow. I end up putting together something new just about every time someone asks. Of course, there are always new books and sites that need to be included, anyway.
Please note that most of the resources I recommend pertain to Sunni Islam unless otherwise specified; I haven’t read enough from authors in most of the other sects/traditions (Ismaili, Shi’a, et cetera) to feel comfortable making recommendations. I can’t promise you won’t come across errors, ignorance, regressive attitudes and/or bias in these resources, but I generally feel these are worthwhile and progressive. The more you learn, the better you’ll be able to sort the wheat from the chaff.
The first thing anyone ought to read is a good translation of the Qur’an. One of the better ones is Abdullah Yusuf Ali’s — well-footnoted and well-regarded by most mainstream Muslims. (Online version of his translation here, although I don’t believe it includes the footnotes.) Muhammad Marmaduke Pickthall’s translation is well-regarded, too; it perhaps captures the poetry of the original better than most translations. My mother-in-law, who is fluent in Qur’anic Arabic, thinks Dr. Muhammad Taqî-ud-Dîn Al-Hilâlî’s translation (Dar-Us-Salam, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, 1996) is very good for English-speaking people. I have read this one in its entirety and found it reasonably accessible. Until you feel you have a much better grasp of the basics and history of Islam, you might not want to get into reading books of hadith (things the Prophet Muhammad said or did). You’ll just end up encountering rather too much exceedingly detailed stuff that’s hard to put into any kind of context, whether it’s a warning about always checking your shoes for scorpions or what to do if something filthy falls in the ghee. The hadith are very important, for it is through the words of Prophet Muhammad that Muslims interpret the Qur’an and determine the specifics of everyday life, but I suggest leaving the hadith until you feel you have a pretty good grounding in Islam.
Other books:
I have a lot of respect for author/UCLA law professor Khaled Abou El Fadl, particularly his The Place of Tolerance in Islam. Omid Safi’s Progressive Muslims: On Justice, Gender and Pluralism should be on your to-read list. Jeffrey Lang’s books (Struggling to Surrender and Even Angels Ask) are interesting because he’s an American convert to Islam; because of this, his writing tends to be more accessible to Western non-Muslims than many born-Muslim authors, and it tends to address the things non-Muslims typically wonder about. My father-in-law constantly recommends The Life of Muhammad by Muhammad Husayn Haykal for those wishing to learn about the Prophet. (I’m only partway through it; it’s pretty dry going. You’ve been warned.) I have higher hopes for Karen Armstrong’s acclaimed Muhammad: A Biography of the Prophet, which I feel comfortable recommending on the strength of the other books of hers I’ve read. She also wrote Islam: A Short History which I am sure is accessible and worthwhile. For Muslim feminist viewpoints, Fatima Mernissi’s books on women and Islam, particularly The Veil and the Male Elite and Forgotten Queens of Islam, may be of interest, as would books by Leila Ahmed, Amina Wadud, and Asma Barlas. What’s Right with Islam: A New Vision for Muslims and the West was written recently by Feisal Abdul Rauf, the imam of a mosque twelve blocks from the World Trade Center site. I’ve already given away two copies of this and need to get yet another one.
For a lovely introduction to Sufism, I suggest Essential Sufism, edited by James Fadiman and Robert Frager. I’ve recently had someone speak enthusiastically to me of The Conference of the Birds, an allegorical epic poem by Persian Sufi Farid-ud-Din Attar, and it’s something I’m excited about reading soon. If Islamic mysticism is of interest, be sure to read about Rabi’a Al-‘Adawiyya, an eighth-century Iraqi saint — Margaret Smith has written a book about her.
Websites: Right now I’m most impressed with MuslimWakeup! for its diverse, progressive, provocative, and frequently surprising content (including erotica). There’s something new on there every day, and I really recommend it for those wishing to get some insight into all types of Muslims, not just the extremist types. Here are some other sites I think have a lot to offer:
Quran Page (Resources for study of the Qur’an, including audio files)
Arabic language (General info with many links)
Essentials of Ramadan, the Fasting Month
Hajj (Pilgrimage to Makkah)
Muslim Women’s League (Excellent essays and position papers)
AMILA (American Muslims Intent on Learning and Activism)
In Search of Peace: Resources for and about Muslim Women
Al-Bab (A portal to hundreds of Arab sites, organized by subject and country)
Glossaries (these will help you when you stumble across undefined Islamic nomenclature, which will be often): Glossary of Islamic Terms and Concepts; Islamic Dictionary; and The Islamic Glossary: An Explanation of Names, Terms and Symbols
There are also plenty of cool Muslim blogs out there; I like HijabMan’s (be sure to check out his store — fun stuff), but poke around the net a bit for lots of others.
I hope this is a helpful start; truly, it only scratches the surface of what’s out there. Just keep reminding yourself that Islam is not a monolith, and whatever you read, you’ll be leaps and bounds ahead of most people (including many Muslims). Peace be upon you.
I’ll try to make this as uncomplicated as possible, for the sake of your sanity as well as mine.
I’m a college student, and I have a very close-knit circle of college student pals. There are seven of us total…three couples and an oddball, who is generally pleased as punch to not have to deal with “that icky relationship stuff.” Anyway, the seven of us are incredibly close, and we spend a great deal of time together. Like, probably five days a week, we see each other. Until recently, that is…
About two months ago, things got a little strange. People became incredibly annoyed with each other. And I don’t know if they’d always been annoyed and they were finally voicing it or what, but things were coming out all over the place. And it makes sense, as this often happens with “groups” of friends. The problem is, no one actually talks out a problem. If A has a problem with B, he’ll talk to EVERYONE ELSE about it, but tell B nothing. Furthermore, he’ll act as though he just ADORES B whenever she’s in the room. For a week or two, it seemed that we were all doing this. I seemed to pick up on it first, so I started sitting down with people, one on one, to let them know that it was bothering me. I got out any frustrations I had with them right there, and let them know that if they had a problem with me, they could come straight to me. Everyone seemed to agree that we’re grown up enough to just talk about our problems and get rid of the petty high school crap. Since then, the problem has nearly disappeared. Nearly…
Two members of this “group,” who we’ll call A and C (and by the way, they’re a couple), are constantly talking bad about everyone behind their backs. I honestly wonder what they must say when I’m not around, because it seems ALL they can talk about is how annoyed or angry they are with other people. Only then, when we’re all together, they act as though nothing is wrong. This is really beginning to get to me, and I know it’s getting to the others too.
I’ve tried talking to one of them. C is a roommate of mine, and she swears that she’s nothing but up front with everyone, and she has no idea what I’m talking about. I tried presenting specific examples, but she claims to not know what I’m talking about. It’s getting to the point that I just don’t want to be around either of them. Everything is tense when they’re around, and since I’m the only one who doesn’t really…play along with their “everything’s fine” side, they get pretty snippy with me when we’re together. Getting defensive, making petty personal attacks if I disagree with their opinion on a movie or band, things like that. However, the rest of these people are my best friends, and one of them is my boyfriend of over two years. I have other friends who I spend time with, but I still love seeing these friends. At least most of them.
Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? Should I just accept that this is how they are? Should I avoid this whole “group” altogether? I’m completely lost, but I don’t think I can handle things much longer. Thanks for the help.
Sincerely,
Needs New Friends
Dear Needs,
Friendships change and sometimes fade over time, and it’s a mistake to try to keep a whole group of friends together, just for the sake of your idea of The Group, if people aren’t getting along.
You don’t have to make a big thing out of talking to them about it, or announcing your intentions; just start spending less time with A and C, and if they get snippy or start shit-talking the others, either change the subject or leave. Spend time with other people in the group, or make new friends and spend time with those people; if your boyfriend wants to hang out with A and C but you don’t, let him do his thing while you go to a movie or something.
It’s fairly simple, really. If you’re tired of these people, minimize your exposure to them. It doesn’t have to become a drama or a discussion; just find someplace else to be.
Sars,
Problem. Not huge. Not romantically related. Not a family-war. Not of the feline variety. Just a small issue.
A few months back, I purchased a four-bedroom home for me and my boyfriend to live in. As we only needed one of the bedrooms for sleeping purposes, and another as an office, I was prepared to make the other two into guest bedrooms. Around the time of the closing, my boyfriend’s friend, S, moved back home from another state. He didn’t have anywhere to live, we had an extra room, so we offered it up. He asked for both rooms, so that he, too, could have an office. He was willing to pay more than three quarters of the mortgage (not sure if he knows that — but I have a sinking suspicion that he does), which delighted my boyfriend and I to no end. We said yes. Due to the new income, I took out a large loan, renovated the home, and my boyfriend and I are now aggressively paying off our debt. All in all, purchasing my first home as been the most financial UN-hardship of my life. Things are great!
Okay, but they’re not. Boyfriend and S lived together before I knew either one, and, from the stories I hear, I would not be surprised if their landlord had to rebuild the house upon their eviction due to dirt issues. Since then, I spent the better part of two years teaching my boyfriend the pros and cons of a clean house. Through the few things I retained from my psychology degree, and a couple of “accidentally broken” items left on the floor, we achieved a lot of ground in the cleaning-house area. When we moved out of our last apartment, and the moved furniture revealed dust bunnies larger than actual Playboy bunnies, cleanliness finally hit a permanent home run in his head. We now have a well-tuned system that I pride myself on. He carries all laundry baskets to and from the basement; I do the laundry. He mows the lawn; I water the plants. If he cooks, he cleans the stove and vice versa. I Swiffer one day; he Swiffers the next. If the house was occupied by the two of us, it would remain tidy and neat. (Please do not think I am anal-retentive; in fact, this is a compromise on both sides. He never used to clean, while I used to freak out if someone’s glass left a mark on the counter. I have calmed down, and he has uh, er, calmed up.) The one thing that I demanded, though, in our new three-floor home equipped with three hairy animals, is a cleaning lady. She comes EVERY WEEK. She wouldn’t have to come every week, though, if SOMEONE kept things a little tidier in the interim.
It is our tenant, S, who seems to be the problem. Let me just say that I honestly do not care what the state of his two rented rooms are. Provided that the carpets stay vomit-free (which, I actually had to complain about once — it was his dog’s) and that the walls don’t have holes larger than a breadbasket, I really don’t care if his underwear is hanging from the ceiling fan. That’s why rooms have doors.
Except that his garbage is not primarily kept in his rooms. We are all friends, so we hang out together most of the time. We watch TV in the living room, cook in the kitchen, et cetera. But, S does not clean up…uh, to, well, to my liking. He cleans up, but not to the level that I require. And here is where my problem lies.
He makes himself breakfast. He does about 95 percent of his breakfast dishes, leaving the rest in the sink. What, you think I really want to wash your friggin’ fork? Whatever. He does not clean off the stove top either, which has scattered grease on it from his eggs.
He drinks from water bottles. He drinks several in a day. He leaves them on my coffee table…for days, and does not throw them away. He likes to leave his empty glasses on the coffee table, as well. For days. Until I throw them away.
His toothbrush? Where is it, you ask? Why, it’s ON the bathroom counter. I don’t know why, as I put it IN the bathroom vanity about five times a day. My toothbrush and my boyfriend’s toothbrush live in the vanity — WHY DOESN’T HE REALIZE THAT HIS SHOULD TOO??
Now, should any of this behavior be that of my boyfriend, I would kill him! Plain and simple — he knows better. But I feel that complaining about these little things might turn S off to living with us. He’d move out, which in turn would then mean that the debt would have to wait while boyfriend and I struggled to pay the mortgage (and large loan) on our own. And, sometimes I feel that maybe I am being too anal-retentive because I get pissed off when his motorcycle helmet and backpack are left on my dining room table…for daaaaaays. But, no. I am right! Why can’t he keep his shit in his rooms???!!!
My boyfriend and I work long hours. I pay for a weekly cleaning lady so that on Saturday, I don’t have to get on my hands and knees and scrub an oven. BUT — when on Tuesday, the melted cheese he spilled all over the oven is shoddily wiped, I find myself on my goddamned knees. Sars, I only get on my knees for one thing…and it ain’t to be cleaning his fucking Velveeta! You know?
Not only that, but I sometimes think he is sloppy in his cleaning because he knows that I will clean up after him, because I clean up after my boyfriend a lot. There are reasons that I clean up after my boyfriend, and I shouldn’t have to justify them, but, I stress, our relationship is a give and take. There are things I don’t do, like pooper-scoop, so, because my boyfriend pooper-scoops after the dogs, I feel that I can gather and chuck his empties on a Sunday morning as sort of an exchange. (Not to mention that one of the dogs is S’s, not that he would EVER consider picking up her shit.) If S did help around the house more with things that I am not able to do, I wouldn’t have a problem with washing his dishes every once in a while. But, honestly, he is the laziest fuck I have ever seen. He quit his job a few weeks ago and literally sits on his ass from morning to night. The thing that gets me, though, is that, about once every three weeks, he dusts and vacuums his rooms. The fuck? You can clean your rooms, but you can’t throw away a Deer Park bottle?
A lot of times when we joke about the dirt factor, he says things like, “Oh, my rent check went through, I don’t have to do anything.” And all I think is, “Buddy, tenants still clean their house. They may not have to fix the toilet, but they still clean their house!”
Well, Sars, I am at my limit. If I don’t do something soon, and have this problem taken care of, I am going to freak out in a big way, and that would not necessarily be the “mature way of handling issues.” So, where do I start?
Do I approach S? Do I have my boyfriend do it, who can speak and relate to him a lot better than I can? Do I take the water bottles, forks, empty glasses, helmet, and backpack and throw it in his room?
Help.
Alice doesn’t live here anymore
Dear Alice Probably Got Sick Of Your Passive-Aggressive Crap,
Of course he doesn’t clean up after himself. You do it for him. People don’t “learn” to put their toothbrushes away when other people do it for them; they learn that they can leave their toothbrushes wherever, and some poor martyr will grit her teeth and do it for them.
Either you can keep cleaning up after him and acting like he’s stealing from you when, in fact, he got you equity in your home; or you can make certain household chores a condition of his continued tenancy. Not both. He’s right; he pays his rent, and since you apparently didn’t contractually oblige him to scrape the cheese off the whatever, he doesn’t really have to do it. Not liking the sound of that? Then get it in writing that he has to clean up, and exactly how, or kick him out. Not liking the sound of that either? Too bad. This is the deal you made with yourself. If you want the house kept to your specs, you can kick him out, or you can do it yourself, but enough with the put-upon. Decide which is more important to you, a spotless stove or a favorable interest rate, and suck it up.
Sars!
I have a housemate who I’ll call Adam, ’cause that’s his name. He’s a lovely chap, really, but recently he’s developed this…THING. He was talking to a friend from last year who mentioned that he didn’t have a wireless network because of the radiation. We have a wireless network in this house. He’s been worrying himself sick ever since.
Yesterday I found him awake at 4 AM. The past few nights he’s made calls at my door after 1 AM, asking if I’m still using the network. I don’t want to cause him unnecessary stress, but I’m going to be working late the next few weeks so I’m not going to be able to have the thing switched off when he goes to bed. That’s not what’s worrying me, except for the gnawing guilt I feel…does this sound “normal” to you? (I hate to use the word normal but I can’t think of anything better.) Things are pretty weird in this house, but I think this is a bit off the scale. He uses a mobile phone, microwave, TV and video just fine, but seems suddenly afraid of our router.
I don’t know what to do, to strongly suggest he goes to the free counsellors on campus (he’s been resistant to the idea before) or go and see the doctor or what. If needs be, I WILL get off the internet earlier. He is on prozac for anxiety and OCD (not a new development), but recently he’s been so stressed out and fixated on these things. (He’s also attempting to read the 88,000-word university charter which is written entirely in legal jargon because we have to click a button that says we’ve done it to re-enroll. He won’t click the button to re-enroll until he’s read the whole damn thing, even though he’s done it on two previous years and could read it after the button clicking.)
I’m scared that this could become a big issue, even if it seems kind of minor now. Or maybe he actually has a point. These are the kinds of circles going around in my head right now. I’m a bit confused and I need pointing in the right direction.
Thank you!
Anna
Dear Anna,
Adam needs to go back to the doctor and get his meds reset. Between the wireless paranoia and the charter-reading, something is wrong that his current psychiatric program is not addressing.
As far as not using the internet goes, well, as long as his fixation doesn’t interfere with your work, okay, do him the courtesy of getting offline promptly — but the problem is larger than that, and he needs to hear that from you. Explain to him as gently as possible that his fears, grounded or not, are becoming unmanageable, and not just for him, so could he please go talk to someone about them?
I don’t mean to sound callous here, obviously, but no, it isn’t “normal,” and more importantly, it needs dealing with.
Sars,
I’m currently graduating from a university 3,000 miles from home. I planned to return to my home state and work there, but after four months of applying for jobs in my field (I have a couple of years of experience, so it’s not like I’m entry level), I’ve gotten nothing except, “Oh, well…maybe once you come home we could maybe do an interview and then maybe I’ll offer you this job that pays $2,000 a month with no benefits that will end in six months,” which just sounds…horrible.
So I asked a couple of people I know from previous jobs to pass around my resume. The field I’m in doesn’t exactly advertise and getting your foot in the door is 80 percent of getting a job. And so I’m currently looking at two jobs not in my home state, but in cities about 1,000 miles from home. Not as bad as now, but not exactly as I planned.
They’re good jobs and I’m quickly realizing that 1.) they are a step up from what I’ve done before and 2.) it might not be so bad to live somewhere else for a year and then try to find something in my home state when I have more experience and a paycheck to at least keep me afloat.
The problem is my mother. She has been absolutely, 100 percent negative since I mentioned that I couldn’t find anything in my home state. Anywhere that is over a three-hour drive from her is unacceptable, though I don’t know why since she would clearly not be visiting me — I would be expected to visit her. When I mentioned today that my second interview for a particular job went well, she went off in a tirade about how I was abandoning her just like my sisters (who live fairly far away from home, though she never threw a hissy about them moving away). For what seems like the hundredth time, I told her that she wasn’t being supportive, that she’s making it seem like my unemployment is my fault, that this is a really great opportunity for me, I’ve been trying for months to find a job and couldn’t she just be happy that I found something?
I guess not.
She has sent me three emails in the last hour (wait, I got another one just now — make that four) berating the job I’m looking at, telling me it’s not as financially sound as I think it is (but it is, I’ve done my research) and that instead of working, I should just come home and live with her and my dad. Unemployed. In their house. Thirty minutes outside of the city. With no income. Sounds lovely, right?
Basically, she doesn’t care if I have a job as long as I’m around to keep her company. Every time I talk to her it’s a guilt trip and I told her that I’m not going to talk to her about it until she can say something positive. Next time she called and started in, I hung up.
So, okay, my mom is being a hosebeast. And I wouldn’t really care, except that she’s sick. Not, like, crazy sick (though sometimes I think she is) but cancer sick and she’s going to be going into surgery soon and it’s rough one — it’s going to knock her off her feet for a couple of months. I know part of her freak-out is just because she’s worried about her surgery and not having me around, but it’s hard enough for me to decide to be away from my family when she’s sick and she’s just making it worse for me. Usually we get along really well, but this is really putting a damper on our relationship.
Neither of my sisters get guilt trips like this, even though they live significantly farther away from home than I would and have absolutely no interest in ever moving to even the same coast as my mother. And I’ve told her repeatedly that it would be a temporary move, maybe for a year, and then I’d come back when I could find a job. Honestly, I really would like to move back to my home state, but it’s just not looking feasible right now. And I’m still looking for jobs around home, but if I can’t find anything in the next week or so, I’m going to have to take what I can get.
Am I being selfish here? Is there a better way to handle this? Am I a horrible person for not going home and living in unemployed boredom with my parents?
A three-hour flight instead of a three-hour drive
Dear Three,
No. You’re doing what you need to do; your mother’s alternative suggestions are absurd and you should ignore them.
But you should keep in mind that she probably is freaking out because she’s sick, because she feels out of control and frightened, because in a way your life is just starting and she’s facing the prospect of hers ending (I mean, not necessarily, but it’s on her mind anyway, obviously). It’s not gracious of her to take it out on you, but that’s how it goes sometimes, and my advice to you is to just try to ignore as much of her move-home haranguing as you can. Delete the emails. Don’t try to convince her. Talk to her about other things, and when she starts in on the job thing, pretend someone’s at the door and get off the phone.
And talk to your dad, too — don’t put him in the middle, but tell him that you want to be supportive of her and she’s making it really hard, so does he have any thoughts on how you can maintain a good relationship with her and not fight about this issue? He’s probably as sick of hearing about it from her as you are by this point, but mention it to him and see if he can’t back her off a bit, or reassure her that you care about her and your job prospects don’t change that.
You might also write her a letter to that effect, not in response to anything she’s said but on your own — just reminding her that you love her and you support her no matter where you are in the world.
She bugs right now, and you probably feel guilty about that, which is understandable; just try to remain compassionate towards her without compromising your plans. She’s not making it easy for you, but just do your best.
[7/14/04]
Tags: friendships popcult roommates the fam
