The Vine: July 15, 2005
Please tell Moon Unit, and anyone else who wants to thrown in their opinion on other people’s choices on baby names, to keep their traps shut, unless specifically asked, “One of the names we’re thinking about is John, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT NAME?”
I’m eight months along with my first, and I’m pretty surprised at how many people ask me if we’ve chosen a baby name. I chalk some of that up to just the way these conversations flow, but I’ve decided to not put our choices out there, since I don’t want anyone’s opinion, except my husband’s, and I figure if I don’t put it out there, I won’t get feedback. I do my best to deflect inquiries, by saying that we’re still working on it, but some people press further and I have no problem explaining why I’m not spilling. I doubt most people give a rat’s ass what I name my kid anyway, so I’m not exactly withholding state secrets.
It’s such a bizarre thing, being pregnant, and women are constantly being told what they should be doing and not doing, what to eat, how long to work, what to buy, how to sleep, and it gets overwhelming, especially if you’re kind of freaked out about the whole bringing-a-baby-into-the-world thing. Add to it all the fact that our hormones make PMS seem like a spa vacation, we’re uncomfortable 98% of the time, tired, and usually have to pee, we’re kind of on the verge of a breakdown most days. Don’t add to the stress by telling her that her kid’s gonna get beaten up on the playground because of the name she chooses. She’s smart enough to get up in the morning, she’s smart enough to choose a name for her child.
Sign me,
I’ve told people it’s a toss up between “P. Diddy” and “Grandmaster Flash”
Dear I Vote “Grandmaster Flash,”
Aww. Li’l Flashie.
Folks, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: pregnant woman do have other things to talk about besides the pregnancy and the baby. Now, I for one love to hear what names they’re thinking of, because I’m fascinated with naming traditions, the family histories behind certain names, what names mean, how first names go with last names and how I could never marry Mark Teixeira and change my name because “Sarah Teixeira” sounds kind of cartoony…all that stuff. Naming the characters in the FGM was practically my favorite part. But…that’s a subject I discuss with the un-pregnant also.
I mean, it’s not that you can’t express an interest in how everything baby is going, but whatever conversation it is you’re having about said baby, she’s already had like twenty times just today, and she’s over it. And yeah, you’re just curious, and being friendly, and she knows that, but…so were the other twenty people, and once the pregnancy becomes visible, people will just assume that the topic is open and start right in on epidurals this and jogging strollers that, and she’s like, I haven’t had ankles since the TV season ended and now I have to pretend to care what you think of cloth diapers?
You can have an opinion, but: journal it instead. Your friend wants to name her kid Dingleberry, it’s between her, Young Berry, and God.
Hey Sars,
So, here’s my dilemma. I recently moved to Small Town with my boyfriend, Dan. Dan and I befriended another Small Town Newbie, Carl. Carl is great — witty, clever, generous, kind — all kinds of stuff that you love about a person. He’s been like a third roommate for months. He spends tons of time at our house, frequently stays for meals, et cetera. We’ve made lots of other friends, but Carl is clearly our best bud.
Enter Shannon, Carl’s co-worker. Shannon is, I’m sure, a Very Nice Person Deep Down, but I can’t get along with her at all. She’s always showing up uninvited, tells embarrassing, blatant lies about our friends, and clamors for attention whenever someone takes the spotlight away from her.
Somehow, Carl has fallen for her. Shannon is in a serious relationship with two children, but it has been made plain that they are having a little relationship on the side. Carl is offended when I invite him and not Shannon over. I don’t invite her over because I don’t like her, but also because inviting them over as a couple is socially awkward, seeing as how Dan and I are also friends with Shannon’s partner. Carl just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. Things are getting tense between us, and I fear that my dislike for Shannon will cost me my friendship with Carl. I wish I could at least feign friendship with Shannon, but every time I see her my teeth start grinding and a migraine starts shooting through my skull.
I don’t want to see this friendship fade away, but it seems inevitable. What should I do?
Signed,
Don’t Want To Cut Him Loose
Dear Cut,
If Carl doesn’t get it — doesn’t get that Shannon makes you uncomfortable on her own, not to mention that it’s awkward for you and Dan when you know her partner — then he’s…well, an idiot. I mean, come on, dude.
And if you haven’t put it to him that way — the “…come on, dude” way — maybe it’s time to do exactly that, to just say, look, Dan and I love you to pieces, but we don’t want to get in the middle of this thing with Shannon, and we need you to respect that.
If he keeps whining that she’s not included and blah blah blah, well, you’ve said your piece, and it’s time to let him drift. Stop inviting him over, stop accepting invitations to events where you know you’ll have to deal with Shannon — it sucks, but if you really can’t stand her and he really won’t get that he ought to be able to hang out with his friends on his own now and then, you’ve got no choice.
Carl sounds a bit immature to me, attaching himself to someone who’s already attached, insisting that the world is his double date when that’s not the reality…and maybe you need to give him a little bit of a social time-out so he can grow up some.
Dear Sars,
Background: I am eighteen years old and living at a boarding school in New Jersey. I’ve been here since eighth grade, when my mother moved to Toronto. My father, who thinks that my mother is the devil incarnate, sent me here, to my mum’s alma mater, because he felt that it was dangerous for me to be living with her, but lost both his attempts to obtain custody of me. He knew that she wouldn’t object to my living so far away from her if he paid my bills, so I ended up here. However, my parents have not been on terms good enough to communicate since I was 15 or so, and my father hasn’t paid child support for me since the middle of 2003. My mother was unemployed for four years, is in a knotty situation with Homeland Security, and is not allowed in the U.S. Therefore, it’s difficult for her to do much to help me out.
Basically, my father and I have a huge difference of opinion concerning my college education. I tried, and failed, to get a job this past summer while staying with my mum, which really upset him because he has had issues with my mother and financial issues in the past, and he felt that she is encouraging me to cling to him like a leech and suck all the money I can out of him. He greatly regrets paying for me to go to boarding school, because he’s in a bit of financial trouble himself and because I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with my mother because it would make him happier.
This September, he told me that if I did not take a year off after high school and work full-time, he would not contribute any money to my college education. I replied that it was really important for me to go to school next year, and that I was willing to take out loans to cover what financial aid would not. For the next month or so, he was reasonably supportive. However, we had a misunderstanding concerning my school bookstore account in late October, and his whole attitude toward me soured. He refused to pay my application fees and was hard to get in touch with, though I needed to touch base with him about the documents I needed for my financial aid application. He finally told me, two days before my early decision application was due, that he was not willing to provide me with the tax forms and income information I needed.
I wrote a letter to the financial aid office of my first choice and explained the whole situation. However, they told me that they would probably not be able to process the financial aid application without the non-custodial parent information. I was really upset, but thought that if I could just be accepted to the school, that maybe the financial aid could be negotiated. I’ve been deferred, however, so they won’t tell me for a while, which lessens the amount of time that I would have to negotiate money matters with the school before I declare where I’m going.
Meanwhile, my father is making no effort to have any sort of relationship with me or with my brother. He was married three days ago. After making a few pointed requests for more information about the event this past fall, I finally emailed him a few weeks ago and asked whether it was still happening, and I got a response saying that he felt it would be best if I did not attend. He never even told my brother (who is 15) that he was getting married. I’ve tried to talk to his fiancee, and wrote to my aunts and uncles on his side of the family, trying to make them aware of the situation. I haven’t heard anything back, except from his new wife, who doesn’t seem to think my father’s behaviour is an issue.
I’ve been getting all sorts of feedback on this, but I think I could use the opinion of a total outsider — someone who doesn’t know me or my dad — thus, this letter. As I see it, my options are as follows:
1) Send in the supplemental information for the first choice school, keep trying to get in touch with my dad and try to get him to at least get in touch with the first choice school, hope for a miracle where admissions/financial aid is concerned.
2) Do what a great number of my teachers and friends seem to think is appropriate — try and get a lawyer to do a pro bono case, sue my father for the documents.
I really don’t want to ruin any chance of a good relationship with my father by suing him, but I also feel that I need to prove that he doesn’t have the right to hold so much control over me because he’s pissed off at my mother. At least if I do Option 2, I’ll know that I have done as much as possible to assert myself. However, I’ll also feel incredibly guilty.
Thanks so much.
Wishing This Was About Grammar, Instead of About My Dad
Dear Me Too,
Option 2. Fuck your selfish bastard father straight in the ear. Sue him, get the documents, get your financial aid, tell him to eat glass, and try to feel good about it, because “any chance of a good relationship with” him went out the window right about the time he decided to use you as a revenge pawn against your mom instead of loving and supporting you like a good parent.
Feeling good about anything in this situation is going to be close to impossible, but feeling guilty…don’t do that. Try not to do that. He wants you to feel guilty; he’s whined to you endlessly about the expense of your school, no doubt, and how hard it is for him, blah blah, but the thing is, that behavior is inappropriate. Playing a kid off her mother? Inappropriate. Withholding necessary documents, information, and affection? Inappropriate. One step above actual abuse, in my opinion. And now he’s set it up so that you have to be the bad guy, and of course you feel guilty, because he’s been telling you all along that you’re the problem here.
You aren’t. You want a good education. Your father should want that for you, should be bending over backwards to help you get it; what he really wants, because he’s a piece of crap, is to control you, and to control your mother through you, and I really think it’s best that you get the documents and then cut him off, permanently, because he’s just going to keep doing this to you as long as you let him, and you deserve better than that and you always have.
It must be so hard to contemplate doing that, and lonely, and I know you must feel like this is your fault, because again, your father has structured the situation that way and poisoned your mind with a lot of bullshit about how many favors he’s doing you and how it’s all your mom’s fault…but this is not how good parents behave. This is not how parents behave, period.
I’m really sorry you have to go through this, but seriously, you need to get those aid papers and get out from under him by whatever means necessary so that he can never make you go through something like this again. He’ll see a lawsuit as a declaration of war; don’t back down. He needs to be made to do the right thing, whether he gets that he should or not.
God, what an asshole.
[7/15/05]
Tags: etiquette friendships the fam
