Dear Deborah (and Sars),

I’m a 17-year-old Muslim girl, and I wear the veil.

I’ve never had a problem with it; I’ve never felt oppressed because I wear it, and I’ve never felt forced to wear it. My father has always told me I have a choice whether or not to wear it, and if one day I choose not to, he’s fine with that. He says it’s my life, and I can do what I like with it — all he can do is try and give me the best start and the best education so I’m capable of making good choices. I guess my family are pretty liberal, but I like it that way. My older sister is 19, and she doesn’t wear a veil anymore, and my parents are totally cool about it.

Thing is, I just moved to a new school, and there are a lot of issues with kids and teachers who are offended because I wear my veil. They always tell me things like “Don’t you understand you’re being subjugated?” or “How can you stand to be from such an oppressive culture?” or “Don’t you believe in women’s rights at all?” My current way of coping is to just say, “Thanks for your concern, but I actually like wearing my veil and I’m a Muslim woman, but that doesn’t have to mean I’m oppressed, quit bugging me.”

It doesn’t seem to be working. People still keep telling me how horrible it is for a woman to wear the veil, and trying to educate me on how so many women are forced into wearing them, and it’s driving me crazy. I KNOW all this stuff already, but I’ve made my choice. Maybe at some point, I’ll change my mind and not wear it anymore, but right now I don’t have a problem wearing it. How can I tell them that? I’ve tried before, but it doesn’t seem to work.

I could really use some advice on how to deal with this — my father says they’re just ignorant and I shouldn’t pay any attention to them — but it’s really starting to get to me that so many people think the choice I make every day is offensive to women.

Any advice on how I should get them to leave me the hell alone?

Thanks for any help,
Annoyed

Dear I Hear Ya, Sister,

I don’t suppose it would be very Islamic to tell them to where to shove it, hmm? No, I guess not. Honestly, if there’s a more controversial piece of fabric in the world, I don’t know what it is. For all the uproar surrounding Janet Jackson’s infamous “wardrobe malfunction,” it wasn’t a patch (hee) on hijab hysteria, pro or con.

I got quite a bitter laugh out of some of these comments people are making to you; your father’s absolutely right when he says they’re ignorant. Astoundingly so. Not paying any attention to them, as he suggests, is one strategy; they’ll probably eventually get tired of trying to “educate” you and move on. Being defensive and/or highly reactive is another (totally understandable) option, but it’s pretty counterproductive. I think you want more than for them to just leave you alone; I think you want them to understand your choice a little better, and about the only way that’s going to happen is if you take it upon yourself to educate and engage them. The best way to do that is to do plenty of reading and fact-finding yourself, and then try to establish a dialogue.

I know, I know: it’s a heavy burden for a seventeen-year-old to try to educate other people, especially her teachers, when she already has to deal with being a Highly Conspicuous Symbol Of Islam in times when everyone and everything Muslim is under suspicion…along with all the joy attendant to simply being a teenage girl. But being well-educated about your faith and its history and the facts about the status of women is Islam really is your best strategy, and it honours your religion, which places great — and equal — value on knowledge and education for both women and men. One of the very best resources I can recommend to you is the Muslim Women’s League site, which has at least four essays on women’s dress and many, many other excellent articles and position papers on key political and religious issues. I promise you that if you took a weekend or a few evenings and read everything on that site you’d be much better prepared to meet the kind of criticism you’re getting.

Some points you can cover with people who give you a hard time:

1. Yes, there are several countries where women are required, forced if necessary, to wear hijab. It’s also true that there are countries (notably Turkey and France) where women are legally prevented from — and imprisoned or otherwise punished for — wearing hijab in some circumstances. Equally objectionable situations, if you ask me. Try drawing your critics into a discussion of freedom to practice religion, and what it means. The fact that some countries force women to wear hijab doesn’t make it inherently oppressive, any more than forcing atheists to recite the Lord’s Prayer makes the prayer itself oppressive.

2. When they ask you about whether or not you believe in women’s rights, you should ask them what they think feminism was/is for, if not to secure and maintain each woman’s right to choose consciously for herself — whether that means to choose to carry a pregnancy to term or not; to become an Air Force pilot or not; to participate in sexual activity or not; or, among millions of other things, to wear pants or a bikini or a toga or whatever else she wants to wear. Including hijab. Feminism, as I have understood it for more than thirty years now, is not about every woman choosing the same thing, preapproved by NOW or Ms. magazine or whatever. It is about the right to choose freely for yourself. When it comes to clothing, that should mean you can choose to wear a thong or a man’s suit or a bustle skirt or a veil or whatever you damn well please. Remind people that hijab is a choice you actively make each day; it’s not sewn to your head. Point out that while you’re aware some girls’ families pressure/force them to wear hijab, that that is not the case in your family, and that your family supports your decision either way. You might also remind them that your choice is not a judgment or indictment of their way of life, and if you’re not taking their low-rise pants as a personal affront, they needn’t take your hijab that way. Feminism means others don’t determine the meaning of your choices for you; you do. It means supporting the right of other women to make choices you don’t personally like or agree with.

Also, I know that many women experience wearing hijab as a particularly feminist act, feeling that it frees them from the relentless, oppressive expectations Western society places on women’s appearances and sexuality. If this is true for you, be sure to explain that.

Remember, too, a little humour goes a long, long way in smoothing over religious/cultural differences and difficulties. A joke about a “bad hijab day” in front of the mirror in the girls’ washroom when the other girls are fretting about their hair can break the ice and let them know your concerns and feelings aren’t completely unrelated to theirs. I know it’s really hard to be funny or lighthearted when you feel picked on and ostracized, but it really does change the tone and dynamic of relationships. It makes it possible to circumvent people’s fear and defensiveness and truly connect with them. Try to see these situations as opportunities to create awareness about Islam, instead of occasions for more alienation and misunderstanding.

You won’t ever convince or win over all your critics, but I honestly believe that if you take the approach I’m suggesting you’ll earn the respect and understanding — and possibly even the support — of at least some people. You’ll also be living your faith in more ways than one. “Piety lies in…being firm and patient in pain (and suffering) and adversity and throughout periods of panic. Such are the people of Truth, God fearing.” (Qur’an 2:177) It takes a lot of courage and faith to be visibly different. Peace be upon you.

Dear Sars:

I have a son, “Pete,” from my first marriage, who is in my custody full-time. Pete’s father is not active in his life because his job has him stationed out of the country for a while, but he emails me frequently to check up on Pete and sends packages to him on his birthday and holidays. It’s about the best I can expect from him, given the circumstances. (This, and he’s a prick — hence my ex-husband.) He also pays child support on a regular basis, but only because his employer deducts it from his checks automatically and sends it to me through my state’s support watchdog program.

I got engaged a couple months ago to the greatest guy. Last month of this year, I found out that I was pregnant. We’d been using birth control and had not been planning on having children of our own for several years; however, after much detailed discussion, we decided to keep the pregnancy.

Once I have a second child to provide for, things are going to be tight for us financially. Great Guy and I both work our asses off at jobs we love and watch our expenditures very carefully, and right now, we live a decently comfortable existence. For the area we live in and our levels of education and experience, we make pretty good money, and changing jobs isn’t really a viable option for either of us. Our finances are separate for the time being, until we are actually married.

We live together, so I only pay half of rent and utilitites. I own my car. My insurance is low. My biggest expense is child care for Pete, which runs me about $560/month. Pete’s father’s support check covers less than half of that. Even once our finances are combined, child care is going to be our biggest joint expense, especially with two children who need caring for. Great Guy’s job pays him pretty well, but not well enough that I can quit my job and stay home to avoid child care costs.

When I originally petitioned for support, I wasn’t paying anything for child care. Until I started to receive a support check, a family member three towns away was watching Pete for me for free. The problem with that was that I was driving 30-45 minutes each way, putting wear and tear on my car, and paying a ridiculous amount for gas each week. The family member also got sick of my erratic schedule and was at the end of their patience, so as soon as I started getting my support check, I found a sitter. My current sitter is a bit expensive, but she works with my schedule, no matter what, Pete’s happy there, and (more importantly) I trust her. She’s awesome. Without her, I wouldn’t be able to do my job.

Anyway, the court ordered a support amount based on my expenses with $0 in child care. Now I can legitimately claim $560/month. I’m think the court would say that he needs to up his support payments to coincide with my current child care expenses, but I haven’t petitioned for more money, because I’m doing pretty well as it is. Once the baby arrives, though, I’m going to be screwed.

Would I be an asshole to petition for the higher amount? Were Great Guy and I not deciding to have the new baby, what Pete’s father is paying now would still be fine. My hangup is that the only reason I’d be asking for more money is because I decided to make a major change to my lifestyle, and I don’t want to penalize Pete’s father for a decision that he wasn’t part of, no matter whether the court says I can or not, and no matter whether he “owes” me more money now with Pete’s increased expenses.

Also, am I missing anything major here? Am I being stupid and oblivious to another solution?

Any input you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Don’t Want to Be a Money-Grubbing Baby Mama

Dear Oh No You Di-in’t,

I can’t think of another solution — at least, not one that either you already considered or that isn’t on the table (i.e. you don’t mention whether either your or GG’s work provides child care on-site, so I assume that means neither job does). So, if you need the money for Pete’s child care, ask for it.

But be clear, to your attorney and to the court, that it’s for Pete, and ask for it sooner rather than later so you don’t have to work against the appearance of impropriety — you certainly have the right to petition for more money for Pete, but the fact remains that you probably wouldn’t have bothered if you hadn’t gotten pregnant again. Not that you need to feel guilty about that or anything, but it’s something that your ex’s attorney could try to rake you over the coals for, fairly or not.

And come up with a Plan B, too, in case either your ex or the court balks and you don’t get the higher figure (or a higher one, but not as much as you need). If I were looking at the facts, I’d say, “Well, she’s not asking the ex to cover the baby, just Pete, so fair enough,” but not everyone is as eminently reasonable as I — hee hee, anyway — and you might have to make other arrangements. Plus, these proceedings take time, so have a back-up and an alternate budget.

But the short answer is: Try it. You won’t know until you ask. Also, congratulations!

Dear Sars —

A guy friend of mine who lives across the country has been having a horrible year, watching his life pretty much fall apart, so I invited him out to visit to help get his mind off things and offer some support.

Well, he arrives and confesses the next day that: (a) he really likes me, and thus (b) he was hoping we could start dating, so that (c) he could move out to my town because (d) he has no other options and would probably end up “disappearing” otherwise.

Naturally this brings up a couple problems. He’s totally dateable and my type, but I’m in a serious, comfortable relationship at the moment, and I don’t want to ruin that. How do I tell him I’m not interested at the moment without hurting his feelings? (Never had to do this before.) And also, any tips on helping a depressed friend with nowhere else to turn? My guy and I have a spare room he could stay in, and I don’t mind supporting him while he gets things worked out, but I doubt he’ll want to live with us, and I don’t have any other ideas…

Help?

Sincerely,
Friend of a Friend In Need

Dear Friend,

Just tell him what you told me — you’re in a relationship, you’re happy, and surely he can see how you wouldn’t want to endanger that. Adopt a properly regretful tone, but don’t say anything about “someday” or “flattered”; just put paid to it. I know it’s a weird situation, but don’t leave him with any hope on that front.

As far as supporting him goes, let him know he can call you any time — to talk, or to get advice about moving to your town — and think about suggesting that he see a counselor for a few sessions to get things straightened out, so he doesn’t feel quite so desperate. I don’t know that it’s the greatest idea for him to move in with you, even temporarily, or to your town at all; he’s not starting something, he’s fleeing something, and it’s not going to turn out well if he doesn’t get a bit more settled in his head and come up with some goals besides “start dating you.” Not that that isn’t a worthy goal, but…you see what I mean.

Tell him it’s no-go on the relationship, express your support, wish him luck — but don’t get guilted into fixing his life just because you didn’t reciprocate his feelings. It’ll only get messy.

Sars,

Here’s what is — I hope, for your sake — one you haven’t had to deal with before. I’m a 27-year-old staunch atheist with a terminal illness. I’ve been living with it for four years, and the prognosis is pretty much a done deal. Obviously, not much advice you give helps there.

But there is one part of this situation that would really benefit from an outsider’s perspective. I like to have things in order — my checkbook, the paper clips in my desk drawer, my CD collection. Morbid as it may be, one of the things I’d like to contribute to is my memorial service. Not organize it, per se, but to set some ground rules. The biggie being, no religion. No church, no priest who doesn’t know me delivering a heartfelt but essentially impersonal sermon. This is in massive conflict with how the family would plan such an event, if they were at all emotionally able to anticipate that.

There are a few basic questions here. First, funerals: for the living, or for the departed? I obviously want something that will bring my family and friends comfort, but damn it, I also think if it is celebration of me, it should…well, celebrate ME. And the way I live my life. Second, any suggestions on how to bring this up with the family? Mom can’t even stand up when the inevitable gets discussed, and long, emotional conversations take their toll on me. The discussion on burial versus cremation damn near killed me — literally! (Sorry, I cope with black humor.) Third, how would you feel if a friend designated you to be in charge of this kind of thing, knowing you’d be left in a quite the tangle with the family? I have dear dear friends who would bust ass to follow my wishes, but I don’t want to create a situation that knowingly pits my loved ones against each other in a time when they should be supporting each other.

Additionally, let me just say that I love TN and TWoP. I’ve been more or less confined to bed for the last eight months and your sites have brought me great pleasure. So thanks for that.

Sincerely,
No God, No Way

Dear Way,

Well. You’re very welcome, of course. And no, I can’t say I’ve had a letter like yours before.

You’re probably beyond tired of people mincing words, so I’ll just speak frankly. I do think a funeral or memorial service is for the living; yes, it honors the dead, but it’s essentially a ritualized goodbye for those left behind. More to the point, the dead don’t get much say when the time comes; the living can do what they want, and frequently to maudlin effect.

I don’t think that’s what you want, but I also don’t think you want to waste the time you have left in conflict about this, so here’s what I’d suggest: two services. That way, your family gets to do what they need to do to honor you and comfort themselves, and your friends (I’d leave more than one in charge, just to take the pressure off) can make sure you get a memorial that’s better tailored to you and your beliefs. Everybody wins and feels included, nobody has to fight over it while grieving, and you get to feel like a departed head of state.

I don’t know how to close this letter. “Good luck” feels a little flip, but it seems like you’ve got some coming. Take good care.

I am hoping that just writing this down will make me feel better because, really? This whole issue is stupid. I know that. But, it is driving me mad, and telling myself that I need to get over it doesn’t seem to be helping…so maybe I need to hear it from you.

My boyfriend and I got engaged on our one-year anniversary, and were married several months later. After we got engaged, my cool, fun, intelligent friend, who had been dating her boyfriend for about six months, became obsessed with them getting married. Obsessed. She was talking to caterers and looking at cakes and dresses and comparing potential dates, all before they got engaged. A couple of weeks before my wedding she still hadn’t gotten a proposal, so she sat him down and demanded that he ask her, and SOON.

Fast forward to my wedding. They get engaged. At my wedding. I’m not even going to go into that, because, like…who gets engaged at someone else’s wedding? But, whatever. Mission accomplished on her part, and its not like she told him to ask her on that particular day…so that’s not really my problem. Her flashing her ring in my face all evening didn’t dampen my joy one bit.

The problem is that since then she has become insufferable.

The stone on my engagement ring is bigger than hers. She has made pointed remarks about what a GOOD stone her diamond is…the implication being that mine might be bigger, but hers is BETTER. She also makes comments about how her ring must have been very expensive, since she made sure her boyfriend got her a platinum band, and platinum is “three times more expensive” than gold. Guess who’s (evidently) hapless boyfriend selected a gold band? Sigh. Okay, then, I guess your boyfriend loves you more than my husband loves me. Clearly. At least I didn’t have to order him to buy me the damn thing.

My husband and I went from dating to engagement to marriage more quickly than most couples, but she never misses an opportunity to point out that they got engaged in ten months…whereas poor me had to wait a whole year. Again –- good for you, I guess he must love you more. What. EVER. When exactly did this become a race?

And, what have I heard since the official planning of her wedding began? Wedding Gift Baskets / Her guest list? Bigger than mine. Her budget? Bigger than mine. She doesn’t want to “cheap out” by having a DJ so is insisting on having a band. Umm…guess who had a DJ at her wedding? Gee, sorry my wedding was such a cheap, tacky affair…it really must have been painful to GET ENGAGED at such a low-class event.

I could go on, and on…but I must stop. This is insane. I realize that all of this clearly stems from some sort of insecurity on her part, and I guess the fact that it bothers me so much is insecurity on my part…but what gets me is that I don’t really have anything to be insecure about. I love my husband. I think my ring is more beautiful than any other ring in the world, and I love that he chose it himself (with no coaxing on my part, I might add). We had the wedding of our dreams — the size, the DJ, you name it. It was perfect. My friend could spend her father’s money on hosting a thousand guests at the W and have freakin’ U2 play at the reception and it wouldn’t make our day any less special.

So, I ask you…why do I want to poke her eyes out? WHY?

Newlywed Going Batty in Buffalo

Dear Newly,

Because she’s an irritating bore. Call her out on the competitive bullshit. Maybe she doesn’t know she’s doing it, but it’s still lame, and — now she knows, so she can quit it, and you in turn can stop playing into her attention-whoring.

You could also stop spending time with her, because doing so only annoys you. I mean, really. Find something else to think about for five minutes — both of you.

[7/16/04]

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