Dear Sars,

So here’s the deal. I’m a 19-year-old student going to a good college. When I was in about the third grade I was diagnosed with as LD (learning disabled). Over time, by learning my strengths and a lot of hard work, I was not only able to survive in school, but excel, making my learning disability seem irrelevant.

However, there is one aspect of my “academic career” that still suffers. Because of certain aspects of my particular learning disability, I am practically unable to learn a language. According to my school administrators, that’s fine; I can get an exemption, and take various “cultural” courses to make up for not taking a language. However, I think, in this day and age, that being able to speak another language is not just something that would be nice to know, but an essential.

My parents and I believe that the best way to learn a language is to completely immerse myself in it — basically, go to a country that speaks another language and “absorb” everything around me. That’s how I learn best, not in a classroom memorizing things, but doing things and becoming completely involved in it.

So now that you know my life history, let me tell you what my dilemma is. My sister has a boyfriend from Costa Rica. This summer she has been planing a trip to visit him there before school starts. Well, my mother suggested that I go with her, for this would be the perfect opportunity for me to learn Spanish. Not only will I know people in the country that could help me out, but there are several language schools in the country designed to help tourists learn Spanish quickly through immersion. Well, this would seem like the perfect solution right? The thing is, although my sister says she would feel fine about me joining her, I have a sneaky suspicion that she really won’t. After all, this is her trip. She arranged it, and it is her boyfriend. Personally, I would feel awkward and out of place there. The trip’s original purpose was for her to spend time with her boyfriend. I mean, if she had a boyfriend from Delaware, I wouldn’t just “tag along” to learn the local Delaware dialect, now would I?

So my question is, should I join her on her trip? On the one hand, I feel like it’s an invasion of her privacy, but on the other, can’t I be selfish in this instance? After all, another opportunity like this may not arise, and this is just what I need. Do I have a right to be selfish here? Thanks for your help.

Terribly Confused

What would give you the “right” to be selfish, exactly? The fact that you have a learning disability? It’s not my impression that you want special treatment because of that; I imagine the opposite is true, in fact.

You’ve managed quite well with the challenges of LD so far, and there’s no reason you can’t create other opportunities like this one for yourself — emphasis on “yourself.” Heading to Central or South America and doing an immersion program is a great idea, but doing it as a tagalong with your sister is not.

Go online, or to your school’s office for programs abroad, and research various trips and classes you can take in other countries. If you find one you like, set it up — but make it your thing. I understand why your mother thinks it’s a good idea — it’s an ideal learning set-up for you, and you and your sister would have each other while you’re away — but I can foresee awkwardness and maybe a bit of resentment if you hook yourself into your sister’s trip.

I think you should do it, but on your own.

Hi,

I’m a junior in college, and this year, four of my closest friends decided to get an apartment together. I, on the other hand, chose to accept a resident assistant position in one of the dorms on campus. My problem is that these four friends of mine have apparently decided to drop me altogether, and interact only with each other. They never return my phone calls or emails; they regularly go out together without inviting me or even calling; they have never once come to visit me and have generally cut off communication in every way. I attempted to call them and visit them in the beginning of year, but when it became clear that my attempts were one-sided and fruitless, I decided to seek some less crappy friends.

I would like to tell those four how hurt I was this year that they abandoned me without any reason, and how angry I was, but I don’t know how to do so without seeming petty. I’d like to find some closure in ending these relationships, and this seems to be the only way I can do so. Please let me know what you think…

Cut Off in L.A.

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Dear Cut,

Don’t bother. If these girls had the capacity to care or feel bad about how they treated you, they wouldn’t have treated you that way in the first place, so what’s the point of going on the record with it? They already know. They just don’t give a crap, and trying to make them give a crap is a doomed enterprise, as history should have taught you.

You have to get closure from yourself, not from any interaction with them. I understand the temptation to tell them off, but it’s not really going to make you feel any better, and the relationships already ended. Write them all off and move on.

[7/17/02]

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Tags:   friendships   workplace