This is a bit of a doozy, so bear with me…

About six years ago, when I started college, I spent time as a computer lab proctor, and it was about that time that I discovered Telnet and chats. I fancied myself a wordsmith at the time, and what I’d often do was chat up people online only to later exchange mailing addresses (this was relatively sane at college, as all you had to do was provide a box number).

Well, as it turned out, one of the girls I began corresponding with in ’94 had continued to write to me to this very day, and three months ago, we finally met (we live a great distance apart).

She stayed at my place for a long weekend, and after getting over the initial weirdness of never having personally met (e.g. assuring each other that neither was a serial killer), we hit it off in a major way. Now, this wasn’t so hard, as we’d shared each other’s intimate details for the latter half of the nineties, but it wasn’t what most would call a normal relationship.

After a long night of drinking (and no, I’m not offering that as an excuse, only as a point of fact), I asked her to stay – not to sleep with me; in fact, I hadn’t even kissed her – but to stay for good, not return to her job, life, or (I found out) her boyfriend. I’ve been in love, know the elation and the eventual deflation, but being with her was something beyond that.

But she couldn’t stay, it’s not like on TV, and come Sunday, she walked out the door. Later that week, I found out she broke up with her long-time boyfriend, someone she claimed to love, and that’s tearing me up inside, but on top of that, now she’s talking about returning to me.

The problem is, I found out a few weeks ago that I’ve been accepted into a doctoral program, one I’ve waited a long time to get into. She can’t come back to me now because I’ll barely be able to support myself, and I certainly don’t want to make it seem as if she has to take on my burdens in order to be with me. I haven’t told her. She’s pinned a lot of hopes on me, her follow-up letters to her visit make that very clear, but I can’t be what she expects of me, not now, not when I’m so close to fulfilling one of my dreams.

I want to keep her at bay, and I know it was my fault for drawing her so close to begin with, my impractical passion is often infectious, but I don’t want to destroy everything we have together, and, above all, I want to let her know that I haven’t given up on her, but the answer now has to be “no.”

How do I let her go without ever truly having her?

Confused Correspondent

I don’t know that I understand what kind of answer you want here. Do you want me to tell you how to let her down easy? Do you want reassurance that you’ve made the right decision by slamming the door on this woman before she even gets up the front walk?

I know that I don’t understand why your acceptance into a doctoral program has the first thing to do with your relationship. Do you think she expects you to support her financially? Do you think you won’t have time for her once your program work gets going? Or do you just want an excuse to put the brakes on? Because that’s how it sounds to me. It sounds to me like you’ve created obstacles where none exist. You make out like you don’t think she can handle whatever the future holds for the two of you, but it seems pretty clear that it’s actually you who can’t handle it. You put the idea in her head; maybe you didn’t mean to, and maybe she shouldn’t have taken you seriously, but regardless, you can’t undo it, and now you have to move forward.

You’ve got to talk to her. You’ve known this woman, as you say, “intimately” for more than five years, and if you can’t share these things with her, you’ve both got a problem. You’ve got to level with her about the doctoral program, and you’ve got to admit to her that you don’t know if you can handle the responsibility of her dreams as well as yours. After the two of you hash these things out, if she still wants to come and you still love her, let it happen – let it work itself out. If you don’t want her to come, or you don’t love her, you have to tell her that too.

But if you do tell her not to come, you will probably lose her. She’s prepared to go the distance with you, to make big changes in her life for your sake, and if you don’t show the same level of commitment, it’s going to hurt her.

My response sounds harsh, I know. But I’ve hoed this row, and believe me when I tell you, you can’t have it both ways. You have to decide, and you have to let her decide too.

[7/18/00]

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